More Dumpers Remorse/Guilt Info.

[mike588]

For those who have been reading the thread: Dumpers Remorse/Guilt and want some more feedback on this topic go to page 602,, named:

 

Dumpers do feel remorse I should know. 5 pages of info.

[Bazamu]

here is the link http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=180045&page=2

 

This post is actually uplifting and feels great reading most of it

[wilsonx]

You people should follow my threads more closely... plus I would like 4k views on it too

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t309202/9

 

post 122... my ex last night...

 

6 months NC....

 

But this thread is irrelevant... how does it help someone move on because someone else does not experience or show guilt/remorse

[mike588]

here is the link http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=180045&page=2

 

This post is actually uplifting and feels great reading most of it

 

That link takes you to page 2,, make sure you start at page 1.

[sunflower11]

 

But this thread is irrelevant... how does it help someone move on because someone else does not experience or show guilt/remorse

 

I think the same thing. Wether he feels guilty or not doesn't change anything. It is still over and he still dumped me...guilt or not.

[smokey bear]

Also, I waited until I was absolutely sure that I would never abandon my ex again before I approached him with my feelings.

This is majorly important, i done the exact same.

 

Hence why i would give a gigs ex a second chance.

[stunned8165]

Also, I waited until I was absolutely sure that I would never abandon my ex again before I approached him with my feelings.

 

 

This is majorly important, i done the exact same.

 

Hence why i would give a gigs ex a second chance.

 

 

My ex always feared abandonment. It's seems those who fear it the most, do it to others the most. Hell, she even abandoned her dog of nine years twice. When will they ever learn.

[leoc1973]

Smokey I don't know. I had an ex with gigs. She actually came back the first time after 4 months(soon as I met someone new). She told me she has been thinking a lot about us and wanted to try again. She actually said what if it doesn't work out this time either. Almost like she already intended on leaving me again before we even got back together. I said if it dosn't it doesn't but we gotta try. About 2 years after we got back together she was looking at me and started crying I said whats wrong and she said I just wanna say thank you for not giving up on me I almost lost the love of my life. I comforted her said, "Aww I could never let my soulmate get away". and a few months later she did it again! Its almost like she is so selfish that she knows I will wait forever so she takes advantage of it. It really is funny tho ever time she sees me slipping away she comes back in the picture.

 

Is it possible that she can be so rotten as to love me but still go out and have fun with other guys every few years knowing I will still be there? If I do take her back how do I break that cycle?

[mike588]

Smokey I don't know. I had an ex with gigs. She actually came back the first time after 4 months(soon as I met someone new). She told me she has been thinking a lot about us and wanted to try again. She actually said what if it doesn't work out this time either. Almost like she already intended on leaving me again before we even got back together. I said if it dosn't it doesn't but we gotta try. About 2 years after we got back together she was looking at me and started crying I said whats wrong and she said I just wanna say thank you for not giving up on me I almost lost the love of my life. I comforted her said, "Aww I could never let my soulmate get away". and a few months later she did it again! Its almost like she is so selfish that she knows I will wait forever so she takes advantage of it. It really is funny tho ever time she sees me slipping away she comes back in the picture.

 

Is it possible that she can be so rotten as to love me but still go out and have fun with other guys every few years knowing I will still be there? If I do take her back how do I break that cycle?

 

Funny you mention you felt like she had already intended to leave before you even got back together.

 

My ex. told me 2 days after she dumped me for her ex. that she was was going back to him knowing it will fail again. Figure that one out.

[Sugarkane]

I've been dumPed in some really down right ****ty ways and still years later never received an apology. I've never seen them have remotely remorse or guilt. how do you make this happen?

[mike588]

I've been dumPed in some really down right ****ty ways and still years later never received an apology. I've never seen them have remotely remorse or guilt. how do you make this happen?

 

You don't make it happen,, it has to come from them. There is nothing you can do.

 

They may be so consumed with guilt they just stay away,, they don't want to admit it.

[smokey bear]

For those who have been reading the thread: Dumpers Remorse/Guilt and want some more feedback on this topic go to page 602,, named:

 

Dumpers do feel remorse I should know. 5 pages of info.

 

 

This is a good thread in the making but a little misleading.

 

You should re name it GIGS remorse, it more Gigs specific

 

Im going to jump on this band wagon but lead it in the right direction if you dont mind me hitching my wagon to yours xx

[smokey bear]

My ex always feared abandonment. It's seems those who fear it the most, do it to others the most. Hell, she even abandoned her dog of nine years twice. When will they ever learn.

 

 

I tend to disagree on this one, i dont have abandonment issues and i dont fear being alone, any gigs sufferers ive known tend to be independant and strong willed, minded people.

 

Outwardly confident but insecure beneath

[mike588]

This is a good thread in the making but a little misleading.

 

You should re name it GIGS remorse, it more Gigs specific

 

Im going to jump on this band wagon but lead it in the right direction if you dont mind me hitching my wagon to yours xx

 

Go for it.

[smokey bear]

Smokey I don't know. I had an ex with gigs. She actually came back the first time after 4 months(soon as I met someone new). She told me she has been thinking a lot about us and wanted to try again. She actually said what if it doesn't work out this time either. Almost like she already intended on leaving me again before we even got back together. I said if it dosn't it doesn't but we gotta try. About 2 years after we got back together she was looking at me and started crying I said whats wrong and she said I just wanna say thank you for not giving up on me I almost lost the love of my life. I comforted her said, "Aww I could never let my soulmate get away". and a few months later she did it again! Its almost like she is so selfish that she knows I will wait forever so she takes advantage of it. It really is funny tho ever time she sees me slipping away she comes back in the picture.

 

Is it possible that she can be so rotten as to love me but still go out and have fun with other guys every few years knowing I will still be there? If I do take her back how do I break that cycle?

 

My ex came back to me after 2.5 months to fly away again....

 

 

Also with my gigs. I have yet to post what happened after i went back to my ex, i left again several times. I will post that part when someone on here gets a gigs ex back. Its not the end there is approx another 6 months to endure. But like ive always said if you can make it through it you will be rewarded with a very special relationship in the end.

[smokey bear]

Funny you mention you felt like she had already intended to leave before you even got back together.

 

My ex. told me 2 days after she dumped me for her ex. that she was was going back to him knowing it will fail again. Figure that one out.

 

 

Ha Ha, i pretty much told my gigs guy the same thing, if she was able to tell you this, you could find a very good friend in this girl, but it would be nothing more than a friend, but if you wanted a good friend, persue that with her, if she was able to tell you that its actually quite a significant thing.

[smokey bear]

I've been dumPed in some really down right ****ty ways and still years later never received an apology. I've never seen them have remotely remorse or guilt. how do you make this happen?

 

 

You posted in another thread that you never plead, beg or anything, you go strict nc from day one, this is probably why because you slam that door shut so hard by the time an ex has had a chance to cool down months later and consider it they would prob never approach it for fear of reject.

 

Next time if you ever want a second chance, leave the door open

[smokey bear]

Ok now for some more stories to get that hope so sky high that you burst and break nc and say " I know what your doing, your going to come back, i cant wait, see you soon......" lol

[smokey bear]

I ENDED A 5 YEAR RELATIONSHIP DUE TO G.I.G.S.

 

Met the most amazing girl when I was 19, we fell madly in love with one another. I cared very deeply for her. We did everything together and enjoyed each other's company. We were best friends that shared and knew everything about each other. We grew up together. She was beautiful, smart and funny. Out of everyone I ever dated, she is by far the best person, best lover, best friend I have ever known.

 

I ended the relationship due to G.I.G.S. when I was 24 years old, I am now 38.

 

My feelings for her, what she means to me, how wonderful I think she is, my attraction to her have not changed. They did not change before the break up, during the break up and 14 years after the break up. To this day, I still think about her, I still wonder how she is doing, things still remind me of her. I still miss things about her and our relationship. I wonder if she feels the same.

 

I was happy in the relationship, we were madly in love and talked about getting married. There were no problems or issues with her or the relationship whatsoever. Everything I always wanted and dreamed of in a girl / relationship was there. I had a great job and a promising career ahead of me. I had friends a wonder family. You could say, at that point in my life, I had everything I wanted and needed.

 

Around the age of 23 (a year before the break up), I felt something was missing, something I needed to do, something that I needed to prove to myself. I didn't know what that was, I couldn't put my finger on it. I thought about it and struggled with it for a year.

 

At the age of 24, I broke up with my girlfriend who I had dated for 5 wonderful years. I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to figure out what it was I wanted and needed for my life. I did not think or feel that I could do that while I was in a committed relationship. I did not think it was fair to her if I stayed and continued in the relationship. My heart was broken (due to the hurt I put her through) before the break up, during the break up and after the break up. In fact, I felt bad about breaking her heart for years after the relationship ended. After the break up, I was worried about how she was doing, was she happy, was she going to forgive me for hurting her. It was a very difficult to break up with her and even harder letting go. However, I thought I was doing what was in my best interest and in a way hers.

 

Now fast forward 3 years later, I am now 27. Between that time, I traveled, climbed the corporate ladder, made new friends, partying, etc. I also dated a great deal and also had a long term relationship. I had a good time and experience! Throughout that time, I still thought of my ex, missed her and wondered how she was doing.

 

I was starting to get tired of the single life, I just did not get as much enjoyment out of it as I once did. I started to think more and more about my ex, started to think how happy I was when I was with her, I started to think even more about what life would be like with her (I was already doing this after the break up), I was looking around and it was plain to me that nobody I had dated or met up that point compared to her. I started talking to my friends and family about her and if I should pursue her again, I couldn't stop myself... Thoughts of her and I were consuming me.

 

One day I woke up, I woke up and thought to myself. I have to make that girl mine! I couldn't imagine going through life another day without her! I had to have her!

 

So what did you think I did?

 

I went and tracked her down (Before the internet) and started calling her. I couldn't wait for to see her and be reunited with her. Nothing on this earth could have made me happier. It took a while (days and days of phone calls and leaving voicemails) to finally convince her to go have lunch with me. I was so excited! I could not contain myself, I was telling anyone who would like that I was going to be going on a date with the most amazing, beautiful girl in the world!

 

So what happened?

 

We did not work out because she had already fallen in love with someone and had just gotten engaged. She is very happily married and they have 3 wonderful kids together. We still talk and get together every couple of years and it is great to catch up with her and see what is going on in her life.

[mike588]

Ha Ha, i pretty much told my gigs guy the same thing, if she was able to tell you this, you could find a very good friend in this girl, but it would be nothing more than a friend, but if you wanted a good friend, persue that with her, if she was able to tell you that its actually quite a significant thing.

 

Your thoughts on it being a "significant thing"?

[smokey bear]

Gigs/rebound/left for someone else. Answers to your questions here!!!!

I had gigs and a rebound and i believe my ex is suffering from it now.

Our gigs is roughly 6 months apart and so far has run very similar.

 

My gigs I dont remember much of it now but i will tell what i do remember.

I remember a couple of months before i left that i had been feeling the need of attention from other men, i felt my man wasnt giving me enough attention in terms of love and affection but i think it was most desire.

 

I didnt feel sexy from him and other men noticed i was sexy. I started flirting with other men to fill that void. I voiced this concern with my partner many times before i actually left> he had a chance to fix it, he just didnt listen to what i was saying or understand, i dont blame him. I believe our age has a lot to do with it and everyone. I really dont think you learn certain things like honest communication until u reach a certain age.

 

Some things are part of growing up.

 

 

At the time i was 24 he was 25. im mentally more mature than him. he seems to be a year behind me. We have been together 6/7 years. I am his first love. He is not mine, I dont think it makes a difference. apart from at the end of gigs ill explain later.

 

 

So my gigs was a friend that started to flirt with me, and i split with the ex and persued him. This is where the rebound comes in. It doesnt matter if its gigs it still has to be treated the same as rebound and it still happens exactly the same as a rebound. So anyone who has there partner leave for someone else, treat it exactly the same way. read up on rebounds.

 

 

What did i feel?

 

 

I felt head over heels in love and u are, while at the same time hid the relationship from my family. I swore i would never go back to my ex, I blamed my ex for us splitting and even believed it myself for a long time, the whole time. I never once fought with the rebound/ gigs we got on great and where a great match. But as soon as it ended, after 3 weeks being split, that love faded fast. Thats when i realised it wasnt true love.

 

It was in love and it is different from real love,

its an infatuation, an intense feeling that fizzles over 3-5 months (honeymoon) i truly believed i loved this man more than i ever loved my ex. It doesnt matter what happened with the rebound/gigs the major points are below.

 

I felt very connected and very in love, it faded quickly (5 months for me)

what caused it? i just realised it wasnt going to work, just woke up one day and saw his faults.

 

What did my ex do this whole time? he begged me the whole time, didnt know about gigs guy. I HID IT!!! Red flag!

 

how did it make me feel, first 2-3 months, angry i wish he would just go away, did he emotionally support my rebound, yes. would i have came back earlier if he didnt chase me?

 

I said a few major points to myself during the break up/ gigs.

 

One was, If he didnt chase me i would have came back sooner (hindsite)

 

Did i miss him?, not for the first 3-4 months he was always around, towards the end of gigs guy i did miss him yes, this is another major thing i said to myself

 

Even though my ex is still around begging me back, i still miss him, still miss his company.

in hindsight looking at this now, he was always about, i had his company so it truly wasnt his company i missed, i didnt realise this for months later.

 

After this realisation i let him come up and hang around, but at the time still didnt want relationship and thought we would never be together again, but at this point i knew i still wanted him in my life, but as i friend, at this point i knew i wouldnt be happy with him not in my life.

 

Things i felt

 

 

I felt my life was better without him and easier.

I knew i loved him since i left on day 1 but i thought it was just love for someone i had spent so long with, like family love. This love grew stronger but took about 5 months to really in, this love is what brought me back.

 

The whole time up until the very day i went back, i didnt feel this love strong, i thought my lovers love for him was gone, little did i know

that it was changing and turning into unconditional love, or it was already there and i didnt understand love .

 

I was happy and the relationship i had with the gigs guy was better, love brought me back my ex didnt treat me great we are still young and learning but he never cheated, he respected me, was there for me, but he loved me deeply and that is the key, love.

 

all throughout gigs/ rebound i didnt think about my ex, i compaired him to gigs guy yes, but i didnt think about giving us another go, my aim was to move on. i remember thanking gigs guy for getting me over my ex. I honestly believed i was over my ex, completely.

 

What next

 

when i finished with gigs guy did i think of my ex? yes, i still didnt want to go back,still didnt feel love etc. I went on a few dates with other guys, still had gigs, still thought there was better out there. But it didnt work? Why? because it just felt the same with the gigs guy,

infatuation, it wasnt that true love connection i had with my ex. My ex at this point gave up on me, said he loves me but he gives up trying to get me back. didnt txt me.

 

The point is until you get over your ex you cant form that bond with anyone else. At this point i had go single and deal with the breakup. this is where the ex stuff happens, i went through 3 weeks of mild sadness getting over gigs guy, realised it wasnt true love,I also worked out what i wanted in life, i was ready to settle down and have kids.

 

after that, one night the break up with the ex hut me. it hut me hard like a ton of bricks. This was pain, it was regret, i finally only then seen how bad i treated him and what had done to him.This was also the point were i said f++k i love my ex, i said to myself i would txt him and lay it out if he wanted it i was going to be the best bird ever. if he had moved on i was going to go down the long lonely road of healing i hadnt dealt with my ex break up all, and it only came out after my gigs ended.

[smokey bear]

It strikes me that many of the threads here are devoted to speculating on what motivates a dumper, and more specifically, how the dumper feels after he/she has committed the dastardly act of dumping. Though I can't speak for everyone, I thought I might shed some anecdotal light on this burning question....

 

I dated my ex for nearly 4 years, but for many, many reasons...including a significant age difference, personality clashes, my own psychic wanderlust, his reticence, etc, etc....I spent the last year of that relationship actively looking for other places to hang my hat. To my credit, I did cut off sex with my partner during that time, but I was a major shyster nonetheless. When I did meet and briefly involve myself with someone new, I told my partner in the coldest, most scandalous terms possible to "Get lost. We can be pals, kid, but really, move on and find someone new." Well, guess what? He did move on and now, 4 months later, I am dealing with one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life.

 

I want him back desperately and have expressed as much to him but it got me nowhere, and who can blame him? Really, my point here isn't to throw myself a pity party, but rather to let folks know that sometimes dumpers DO have regret, even if they themselves don't know it. 5-6 months ago I thought I had fallen completely out of love with my ex and honestly, the thought of sleeping with him was revolting. Now, I cry myself to sleep every night and am driving myself mad with self-flagellation and "what ifs." I should also say that in my case, had my ex not finally grown a pair and cut me off completely, I might've continued to take him for granted and never have come around to see what a truly across the board amazing person he is. Its as though he was always in the room with me but I never noticed until he was gone. Classic country song, eh? Anyway, I hope this helps...someone.

 

 

Reply to this post:

What happened with the new person that prompted you to finally get rid of him?

 

Responded with :

 

Oh....it was a whirlwind romance founded on all the WRONG reasons! Once my ex completely removed himself from the picture, all the sneaking around and fleeting conspiratorial excitement of the new "relationship" completely dissolved. I saw with complete clarity what a Grade-A ******* the new guy was and how we had NOTHING substantial upon which to base a relationship. Momentary hot sex can NEVER replace history. And the "hot sex" wasn't really even that hot...it was entirely ego-based and shallow. I can't say enough how crucial it was that my ex completly sever ALL ties in order for me to really see what I was missing without him in my life. He even briefly dated someone and needless to say, that drove me bonkers. He's now single but still waaaayyyy too apprehensive to reengage with me romantically. And like I said, who can blame him? A couple other quick things: The fact that No Contact made me miss my ex isn't just a silly case of "wanting what you can't have." Believe me when I say that. No Contact worked because it forced me to really see and appreciate what had been under my nose the whole damn time. Also, I waited until I was absolutely sure that I would never abandon my ex again before I approached him with my feelings. It was the most heartfelt and non ego-based romantic plea I've ever been able to muster and it still wasn't enough. But again, I don't blame him, only myself. At this point I am going No Contact myself. Not to play games, as I think too many seem to use that policy here, but to give my ex a chance to really evaluate what he wants and to see that I'm not going to rush into another stupid rebound fling. Also, No Contact is important for me right now as I really do feel like the dumpee, despite all the circumstances I've already mentioned. Hope this wasn't too confusing.

[mike588]

Yeah I read that before,, some of it sounds familiar alot doesn't. I'm not sure she had GIGS besides we are both 43 yrs. old,, from what I understand that happens with younger people.

[smokey bear]

Your thoughts on it being a "significant thing"?

 

 

My gigs guy was the first person i truly opened up with and was 100% myself, she must feel the same to be willing to discuss, even batter her intentions off you.

 

It a bond/relationship that is very true and doesnt happen often, if you want friendship with her it will be a good one, but you have to understand its all it will ever be.

 

Gigs/rebounds are just at the wrong place at the wrong time, and i truly feel they dont get a second chance im sorry, something just happens that blocks that path forever, but you could have a very special friendship with her if you's both wanted it.

[smokey bear]

Yeah I read that before,, some of it sounds familiar alot doesn't. I'm not sure she had GIGS besides we are both 43 yrs. old,, from what I understand that happens with younger people.

 

Not necesseraly, im very intune with my body and mind, when i was 21 i said to myself that when i was 30, i would go off the rails again and party like i done at 18, it came quicker but the point was i knew i would do it.

 

Not saying a lot of gigs people where like this but i think i was because of my body/mind awareness.

 

Even after experiencing gigs i still think ill have another, a mid life crisis around 40, hopefully though ill be wise enough to remember all this and do it all without leaving my relationship and voicing that i simply want to be wild for a bit, ill do my hardest to channel it another way like taking an around the world trip or something.

 

I think, you either where the gigs... the gigs guy or where a rebound, sorry xx