wife wants to go away for weekend after we have been seperate

[FlManInStateOfConfus]

I've been reading and learning a lot from these boards and have a pressing question I need some advise with. Long story short my wife and I are seperated She left 2 weeks ago and moved out of state. She took one of our 2 dogs with her and has been in contact that the dog isn't adjusting and wants to bring it back. We were suppose to go to an all paid trip to the four seasons in palm beach this weekend and now she want to fly back with the dog and go as friends to the weekend trip. I'm conflicted as to if going is a good idea or not. On one hand it might help with figuring out if we can work on getting back togather or should just call it quits. Need outside opions. Have to make desision in next few hours. HELP!!

[thegeneralsxwife]

Oh no that's sounds like a nightmare to me, but maybe the fact she wants to spend time (even as friends) is a hopeful sign?

[Owl]

We need to understand more about what led to the seperation and what's apparently 'wrong' in the marriage that needs to be addressed.

 

Did she ask for the seperation? Why? To do or accomplish what?

[FlManInStateOfConfus]

Owl this might take a while so i will try to make a long story short.

Wife and i meet 15 years ago. Got engaged 10 years ago and have been married for 5 years as of last week. We have had our ups and downs over the years with things getting real bad the past 3 years. We both worked 65+ hours a week and had little time togather. At the same time her father was diognosed with a brain tumor. He hung on for 18 month. Losing him was very hard on her. Around the same time she was laid of from work. In the past year i learned she was having an affair. Both she and om have been arrested for domestic violance on each other seperate instances Charges dropped on her and he plead guilty. She tried to kill herself and was baker acted i also learned she had been diagnosed as bi-polar a few years back We have done mc and i am doing ic. As if that background doesnot give you an idea for whats wrong with marriage she says she loves me but isnt sure she is in love and wishes i could find someone who could give me what i deserver.

For the past 3 months she has been talking about seperating needs her space has to get out of this house as she is sufficating ect then 2 weeks ago she said she was leaving. When it came the day she was leaving she said she was confussed and didnt know what to do. Stay or leave. We cried togather and i saud i didnt want her to go but for both our mental health she had to go. She left moved to tx and rented an appartment for 3 months. That brings us to today where she wanted to fly back for an art thing we had been invited to attend in palm beach.

 

I have decided against going and i believe she is not coming now. I mentioned im in ic and if you havent guessed yet i have codependent traits. Im using this time to truly work on me. I still hope we can be togather as i do love her but am starting to understand that might not be possible but if i dont get my head on straight im more than likely just going to repeat the same mistakes in futur relationships

 

I've been reading these boards for a few weeks and they have helped.

 

So i guess i've answered my own question already by deciding to not see her.

[robf1971]

Owl this might take a while so i will try to make a long story short.

Wife and i meet 15 years ago. Got engaged 10 years ago and have been married for 5 years as of last week. We have had our ups and downs over the years with things getting real bad the past 3 years. We both worked 65+ hours a week and had little time togather. At the same time her father was diognosed with a brain tumor. He hung on for 18 month. Losing him was very hard on her. Around the same time she was laid of from work. In the past year i learned she was having an affair. Both she and om have been arrested for domestic violance on each other seperate instances Charges dropped on her and he plead guilty. She tried to kill herself and was baker acted i also learned she had been diagnosed as bi-polar a few years back We have done mc and i am doing ic. As if that background doesnot give you an idea for whats wrong with marriage she says she loves me but isnt sure she is in love and wishes i could find someone who could give me what i deserver.

For the past 3 months she has been talking about seperating needs her space has to get out of this house as she is sufficating ect then 2 weeks ago she said she was leaving. When it came the day she was leaving she said she was confussed and didnt know what to do. Stay or leave. We cried togather and i saud i didnt want her to go but for both our mental health she had to go. She left moved to tx and rented an appartment for 3 months. That brings us to today where she wanted to fly back for an art thing we had been invited to attend in palm beach.

 

I have decided against going and i believe she is not coming now. I mentioned im in ic and if you havent guessed yet i have codependent traits. Im using this time to truly work on me. I still hope we can be togather as i do love her but am starting to understand that might not be possible but if i dont get my head on straight im more than likely just going to repeat the same mistakes in futur relationships

 

I've been reading these boards for a few weeks and they have helped.

 

So i guess i've answered my own question already by deciding to not see her.

 

Why on earth would you want to go away on a weekend with someone like that? She's gaslighting you, maybe OM dumped her and she's lonely. You are the backup option here?

 

You need to ask yourself 'why do I want to be someone's second choice?', is your self esteem that low. This is the key to success in future relationships.

 

Just tell her you've got something else planned that weekend, thanks for the invite (no need to be nasty, that shows you actually care what shed oes anymore)

[PegNosePete]

she says she loves me but isnt sure she is in love and wishes i could find someone who could give me what i deserver.

Classic line from the cheaters 101 handbook. What you deserve: a faithful spouse?

 

I have decided against going

Sounds like you definitely made the right choice. If I were you I wold be filing for divorce already. She sounds like a head case dude.

[Owl]

See....tons of critically relevent information in that backstory.

 

The real bottom line here is that she cheated, seperated as a result, and is now trying to maintain both relationships.

 

Your question isn't about going to this event with her (and I see that you've already made your choice....cool).

 

Your focus is now on deciding to reconcile or not, and how to reach that point if that's what you chose to do.

 

What ARE you doing to get her to end her affair? What pressure is she under to make a choice and end the affair or end the marriage?

 

Have you exposed the affair to her friends and family? Have you exposed to OM's wife or GF if he has one?

 

What steps are you taking to actively change the situation?

[Wolf1969]

I agree with the others. No way should you have gone for a weekend with her (I'm glad you made the right decision). My main question is what was in TX? Another thing...you said she and her OM were arrested for Domestic Violence on each other? I thought that, at least in most states, you had to reside together in order to be charged with DV? Not just be in a "relationship"...but I guess it varies from state to state. Did SHE tell you that? Something really doesn't smell right.