How can men move on to new relationship so fast after break-up?

[Faith3132]

**This post originated in the "break up" section, but I thought I could get advice here too!!

 

My ex-boyfriend and I had been having some issues for the past two months because the company he worked for was being taken over and he wasn’t sure he would have a job. Work is probably the most important thing to him and he really started to doubt himself and what he was doing. He started focusing totally on work, I guess trying to prove to the company (and the new company) that he was indispensable. And he really is. His work ethic is something to be admired. However, he let our relationship slide. I began to feel neglected and harped on him. I tried to understand because I knew how important work was. But if you don’t keep up with your relationship and the woman that will see you through anything, things will obviously began to fall apart.

 

Let me first say that we come from totally different backgrounds. He was my first love, first of everything actually, and I totally devoted my whole self to him and our relationship. Which obviously became a mistake as he saw me as being totally dependent and not having a life of my own. He also thought it odd that he was my first big relationship. And I admit, I did lose myself to love him. But again, I had never had this before and was completely happy to devote myself to him. But he is incredibly independent, and I think I stifled him. This is becoming random, but to throw in another quick fact, my Dad was a big ole cheater. And my ex-boyfriend was the biggest flirt in the world. So I was terrified that he would cheat on me. I even created scenarios in my head about it. He always said you are the one I come home to, even if I do flirt. I think my insecurity and my dependency were major contributors to our downfall.

 

But about two weeks ago, he started staying out really late “working.” He works where we live, so I would go down to the garage and he’d be talking, to buddies or to this girl. I had never seen her before, but apparently she had a lot more in common with him than I did. And of course it made me angry that he was too busy to come eat the dinner I cooked for him, but he could talk to her for an hour.

 

A week ago, everything came to a head. I blurted out, “do you have some boxes” not even really meaning it. Because I never would have left him. I love him too much. But he said that it was probably best that I moved out. Then he went down to some resident party and didn’t come home by midnight. So I went down there (everything had been left up in the air, so I wasn’t even sure what was happening exactly between us) and I saw that girl hanging all over him. I just spied for a couple of hours and eventually I caught them kissing. And it was like a knife in my back and through my heart. They were both obviously drunk, but still. It’s like the Ross and Rachel thing, I guess he considered that we were broken up or “on a break,” but I’m still living in our home and not knowing what the h*** is going on. So I took that as a supreme act of betrayal.

 

I went home, packed my stuff, and moved out the next day. I said to him repeatedly, how could you do that when you know that is the ultimate act of betrayal to me, and he turned it around on me saying that I decided to move out. Again-I never would have left if I hadn’t caught him kissing her!!

 

We still live on the same property and I was coming home the other night and saw him leaving in his truck with her. That enraged me. The next morning I went over to get the rest of my stuff and I guess I went a little psychotic. She had slept over in our home, with our dog probably snuggled up between them…and it just hurt so much. I asked him again, does the last year and a half not mean anything? How can you be sleeping with someone else already?!?! He said you know I still love you and care for you, but I’m moving on and this is the way I move on. How can men do that? My heart is broken in a million pieces and I cannot stop picturing the two of them together. And yet, he just moves on. How does that work??

[Faith3132]

Also-you may wonder, as I did, if the thing with that girl was going on before we broke up. He said absolutely not, and I believe him. He would have broken up with me before he would have cheated on me. But still...I'm just so heartbroken. How do I get the image of them out of my head? How do I move on? How can he not realize that no one will put up with the s*** I did? I was so good to him and we loved each other so much. Talked about kids, marriage, our future home...how does someone just lock that all away so quickly?? And now he has lost his job (within the same week we broke up) and my heart breaks for him. He doesn't deserve this...I just need some advice. How do you mend a broken heart? And how the crap do men move on so quickly?!?!?

 

Thanks for the replies guys. I had my closure last night. He basically told me he never wanted to see me again and that he was dating this new girl, and I needed to move on. And you're right, I was making excuses for his behavior. He was my first serious relationship and I overlooked everything he did that made me unhappy and all of our differences because I so desperately wanted to be loved. He was a jacka**, but I also gave him the worst part of me in a relationship. I didn't know how to be in a relationship without losing myself. And now I know better. And looking back, yes we loved each other, yes we had a good run, but I know now that it never would have lasted. I've been deluding myself for months. And his comments last night just solidified what I guess I've known for a while. It doesn't make the hurt go away any faster or easier, but it does provide a certain amount of anger that seems to be helping at getting rid of the hurt faster. Now I need to focus on getting over my own insecurities and becoming happy with myself, so one day I can be happy with someone else. Thanks again guys. Also-I know this guy is capable of huge emotions, and I guessed it just ticked me off that I saw him cry at seemingly insignificant other things, yet he seemed to not care at all that we were breaking up. But I see now that he's just using this girl to forget about me and to prove to me that he is attractive to other women. And if that's the way he chooses to move on, so be it. It's not my concern anymore. At least I'm being healthy and dealing with my feelings, you can only push things under the rug for so long...And he'll be in for a rude awakening when he finally deals with his feelings.

[faux]

I think it is very good that you know now not to put any more effort or hope into this guy. Despite how he may have acted in the past, or how he is acting now, he was decent enough to tell you that you should move on and that he had no more interest.

 

I'm very glad to hear that you will be trying to focus more on yourself. I hope that you get to try out some new hobbies, make more friends perhaps, and just all around gain that confidence we all need when we have to be alone. In future relationships, this "alone time" will allow you to care about another, but still want to hold on to enough of your independence so you do not seem so "clingy" and such to other people.

 

As for your ex moving right into a new relationship, sadly this is a people problem. I have had some ex girlfriends move right into other relationships. Even if they waited a month, if my healing time wasn't over yet it still upset me. Unfortunately, there is no telling how long it will take for you to spring back from all of this, but rest assured that day will come.

 

In the meantime, if there is anything you need to get off your chest, or you just want to partake in some nifty discussions, keep coming back to these forums. Hey... It's what I do, and I like it

[Faith3132]

This forums are like a lifeline, seriously. Your friends/family get sick of hearing about the guy or the break up, etc. But on these forums you can just rant and rave, and sometimes you're fortunate enough to get people's thoughts back, that really help you. This has definitely been a big help to me.

But on another note-do you think he doesn't care, or that his jumping into a new relationship is just his way of getting over me? It kills me to think the last year and a half means nothing and he can just move on totally in the span of three years. How is that possible? I know he loved me, but why is he acting like this break up doesn't mean a thing?

[Faith3132]

Excuse me...not span of three years, I meant span of three DAYS. I wish it were three years, that would make me feel better. He moved on to a new relationship after three DAYS.

[brokenheart73]

Hi there i have been in the same boat my boyfriend was acting like he wanted to work thins out with us but sure enough i found out that he was seeing someone else he broke my heart in a million pieces. I cant sleep eat all i think about is them together and i dont know even ehat she looks like. He would always call me from work and tell me that he wanted to work things out. He was only telling me what i wanted to hear. NOw i cannot get a hold of him at all. At work, he does not have a phone so i have to call the neighbors where he lives it is an apt complex. The girl that he met lives with her cousin the cousin introduced them. OOh that made me mad we were trying to work things out now i have an instigator and a trouble maker on my hands. So now he says he cannot see me anymore and he does not want to see his child anymore what a jerk off. He would rather spend time with this 16 yr old than his son what a loser by the way he is 24. i try to call up there maturely and they said i could talk to him when i thought it was him on the phone it was her so she hung up on me what immaturity. HE already slept with her too she is 16. Hell learn when all he is doing is trying to forget about me he had to turn to someone new really quick he will learn when she treats him bad or cheats on him he'll be running to me. Too bad he had to replace me so soon but he did it really hurts bad but i am trying to cope with it though once you get over them they try to get back in your life when things go bad for them he is a drunk and a cheat so i could not keep that around my children to see. So please reply and tell me what you think!!

[Faith3132]

Yeah-your guy sort of sounds like my ex. He too has a drinking problem though he doesn't see it that way. And he thinks that I'm too "square" and boring because I don't drink and want to party excessively. As for actual cheating, I know in my heart that he didn't do that prior to our break up. But making out with a girl four hours after we decide to take a break counts as cheating to me. Especially since he was sleeping with her four days after I moved out. I couldn't even imagine being intimate with someone else right now.

As for your guy, the whole thing sounds hokey. Especially him getting it on with a 16 year old. You don't need that, especially with children. If he doesn't have enough respect for you or your children then you just need to move on and find a guy that will treat you better and be a better father figure to your kids. They are seeing all of this and it WILL have an impact on them later in life. I know you love him and are baffled as to why he up and left you and is now seeing some child. But there comes a time when you have to really think about what is best for you and your kids, and it doesn't sound like he makes the cut.