BFs lagging divorce is driving me nuts-looking for others in similar situation/advice

[socalgirl]

Hi.

 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for except for a little more sanity. I feel like I'm losing my mind in the situation that I've gotten myself into. If anyone has any words of wisdom, I would love to hear them.

 

Here is the situation:

 

I've been dating a separated man for over a year now. When we met, he was still living in the same house with her, but in separate rooms. Each were dating (she cheated on him). A month after we began to date they sold their house and both moved into separate residences. They have a 5 year old son together, and my BF is a very devoted father. He has his son 50% of the time and is afraid of losing his 50% custody. BF and his STBX were using the services of a mediator through their separation. Last year when we began to date, they had an agreement written up and had already waited the 6 months required by CA law. At that point they were each supposed to have the agreement reviewed by independent attorneys before they filed. I was told the divorce would be final very soon!

 

It is now over a year later and things have not moved forward. She says that she hasn't had time to review the financial stuff and that is the last piece of the puzzle before they can file the final papers. My BF is afraid of, and hates, conflict and has always allowed her to control their relationship to a degree. I'm going crazy because things are not wrapping up, and he won't push her or ask her to move forward. The extent of his pushing her is casually asking her at their son's ball games and during exchanges if "by the way" she has "had a chance to look at the papers or get an attorney."

 

I really fear that I'm getting to my wit's end. I love him very much, but I don't know how long I can continue like this. In March my BF and I separated for 2 miserable months during this time he said he was focusing on and trying to finish the divorce.....again his idea of doing this is with "by the way" and "did you get a chance". We have an agreement that he is to give me an update on the progress of the divorce once a week. We got back together the beginning of May and for the entire month the updates have been "no update!"

 

The STBX knows about me, and I've met his son and we get along well. I'm comfortable that they will not reconcile, and I'm extremely comfortable with our relationship with the major exception of the pending divorce. The divorce is the only issue on which we argue, and arguments usually arise on the days that I feel I just can't take it anymore. I didn't think that I signed up to date a married man, but that's exactly what I did.

 

If anyone reads this who is contemplating a relationship with a separated man and wants advice, here is mine: Don't do it until the divorce is final.

 

Looking forward to hearing your insight, thoughts, wisdom and advice!

Thanks!

[sara1974]

Im in the same situation. Ive been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. We have even moved in together, which I thought was a bad idea but he pushed for it. The problem is he's still married to his ex-wife. They also have 3 kids together that currently live with us. He's tells me constantly that he's waiting for her to get her life straight before they file the divorce. Im getting impatient with waiting. They have been separated for over two years and im tired of waiting. Im completely understand where your coming from.

[socalgirl]

Sara,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through pretty much the same thing that I am. It's funny, I posted in hopes of finding people who are going through similar situations so I could possibly feel better, but it makes me sad that you're going through it too. It seems like no one in our situation could ever be happy or okay with it, and I bet we all pretty much feel the same way...Frustrated! I'm curious how you cope with your feelings? Do you contemplate leaving the relationship, or do you plan to stick it out for how ever long it takes?

[sara1974]

Yes we are still currently living together. If I could count the number of times I've tried to leave him I'd be rich. It's very hard to leave someone that you love. Part of me feels that I just need to be patient with him and stay be his side through this. But at the same time I don't want to get hurt in the end. At this point Im not sure what to do...

[socalgirl]

I hear ya loud and clear! Best of luck to you. I hope you'll post in the future with updates. My hat is off to you....I think it would be SO much harder living with him.

[sara1974]

I finally got the courage to leave. I moved out of the house on Saturday and It was probley the hardest thing to do. We left on good terms and we still plan to keep in contact. It wasn't easy but I know it was the best thing to do. His lost!

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by sara1974

Im in the same situation. Ive been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. We have even moved in together, which I thought was a bad idea but he pushed for it. The problem is he's still married to his ex-wife. They also have 3 kids together that currently live with us. He's tells me constantly that he's waiting for her to get her life straight before they file the divorce. Im getting impatient with waiting. They have been separated for over two years and im tired of waiting. Im completely understand where your coming from.

 

Sara, I'm wondering why you're accepting this, and not putting your foot down?

 

What kind of lame-a$$ed excuse is it, that he's waiting until his ex wife gets her life straightened out? What if she NEVER DOES? Whether she does or doesn't, that's totally beyond his control. Why does the occurence of his divorce depend on something that's totally beyond HIS CONTROL? Sounds fishy to me. Sounds like a man who's making excuses, because he's not ready to pull the plug.

 

And another thing......if he really wanted to officially move on with his life, why would the state of his (ex) wife's life have anything to do with that? Sounds like he's not ready to let go.

 

And you're making it very easy for him to live in limbo...because he's got the best of both worlds. He's not totally closed the door on his wife, and he's got you to snuggle up to at night, and to take care of his children. He's living like a King!

 

And to SoCal.....your man is a spineless wimp. He needs to grow some b*lls and get on with things.......and if he can't, he needs to let you go so that you can find yourself a real man who has a real spine and a plan in life, and concrete goals to work together at.

 

You split up for 2 months, but reconciled with the understanding that he'd give you weekly updates on the status of his divorce, yet his only updates have consisted of the spineless response of "no update." Can you even respect a man who's got no drive or gumption?

 

Now I've been in your shoes. Several years ago, after 4 yrs of being divorced (abusive relationship) and having taken those 4 yrs to heal and learn to trust a guy again, I met a real wolf in sheep's clothing...and I learned an expensive (financially), valuable lesson.

 

When I met him, he told me his divorce was final at the end of that month. He had 2 children...one was the illegitimate child of his (ex) wife who he adopted and raised as his own. According to him, his ex wife and he had split up officially over a year prior to this..and shortly after, she'd moved her boyfriend into their home, and my guy had moved out. He painted her out to be a no-good, abusive, alcoholic crackhead who was unstable and a liar. Now I ended up getting to know her, for the sake of the children, and all of this was true, but I came to find out that my guy was no lily white angel himself.

 

As the months went by, guess what, the divorce wasn't final.....but he treated me like gold and assured me that it would happen any day. Stupidly, when he proposed to me (while still married), I foolishly accepted. He talked me into selling my home on the coast and moving to his town, us living together, and we had the wedding date all planned and set.

 

But the divorce apparently wasn't going through because his ex was trying to cause trouble for him, knowing he was engaged..she wanted to stall things and p*ss him off.

 

But as I came to find out, the freaking papers hadn't even been FILED yet. When he said originally that his divorce would be final at the end of that month, what he meant was that the full year of them being separated (and eligible to file for divorce). Having been divorced myself, how he thought he could fool me like this, I'm not sure....but he did, and it worked.

 

Loving him a lot and feeling very uncomfortable living with someone's "husband", I pushed his arse to get the paperwork started. They'd already had a separation agreeement and child custody agreement (which I'd seen the paperwork for). As I did with my own divorce, to save him money he didn't have, I offered to buy one of those do it yourself divorce kits.....one book contains the forms, the other contains instructions on how to do it all. There I was, like a dumbass, sitting down at his workplace, typing up the forms for him. Can you believe it?

 

So when that was done, he took them to her. WELL.....to really mess with him, she then decided that she wouldn't contest it *if* he signed a letter from her lawyer suddenly agreeing that she could take their children far away, her and her live-in boyfriend. Well of course my "fiance" wouldn't agree to that.......understandably....so there went the rest of the divorce. She had him over the barrel.

 

So I pleaded with him to get a lawyer. It seemed to be taking more coaxing than it should have. Finally he did (or he said he had). Every coupleof weeks I'd ask him what was going on, and what was his lawyer doing for him. He never had anything to tell me. Finally at one point,I'd had enough.

 

There I was, giving him this great home he'd have never been able to afford to live in otherwise.....I cooked, I cleaned, I made his kids' lunches, drove them to school, picked them up, took them to appointments, made sure the bills were paid on time, did tons of laundry, was available for sex whenever he wanted it, etc etc........I was playing the part of a wife but all I was doing was playing house and wasting my time and generosity.

 

On one occasion, I asked him what his lawyer was doing. He flipped out on me and yellwed, "It's my f*cking divorce, not yours. It's none of your business."

 

That was the moment i knew it was over, and i was cutting my losses and getting the hell out. For him to think I had no right to want to know where things stood, he was out of his mind.

 

Shortly after I left him, and moved far away, his ex wife (still not divorced but she was still living with her boyfriend) got pregnant by her boyfriend. To this day, I have no idea if he's ever gotten a divorce or not. They're all f*cked up, and I always felt sorry for the kids, to have such dingdongs for parents.

 

With him, I truly believe he just couldn't let go of his ex. Even though she was a loser and he claimed to despise her, how horrible she was in their marriage, how she got drunk and would beat him and cheat on him, I think he could not disconnect from her............and his hatred was merely a lot of hurt and emptiness in disguise.

 

From that I learned to NEVER EVER get involved with someone who's not yet divorced. It's way too much of a gamble, no matter what BS they try to tell you.

[kiababy]

Well, well, well - turns out you're life is not so perfect after all. And you think I'm naive?? He proposed to you while he was STILL MARRIED? You SOLD YOUR HOUSE FOR HIM????

 

Wow - if my MM asked me to sell my house for him, I'd have to kick his a** to the curb. My feelings would dry up in 2 seconds flat.

[leilab]

Socal girl:

Unfortunately sanity will not be restored because the wife/ or ex-wife will always be in the picture because of the kids. And your main source of conflict will revolve around that as well, no matter what. The kids are from his marriage with his wife/ex-wife. And since they will be with you 50% of the time, this will continue to be an issue. Especially because he will feel guilty and the kids will play on that FOREVER. That is the bad news - kind of like each relationship has its weight to carry. That will be yours.

 

For the good news. I can provide some input on the divorce procedure. If the paperwork is filled out and all the issues are resolved, there should be no problem for the final filing. Your MM need not worry about the custody issue because it is already spelled out in the divorce decree. You may want to ask him to contact a lawyer to see how he can proceed to final filing if she is drawing it out. In California there is a time perior for the other party to respond.

 

Sara:

What a couragous thing to do - moving out. I don't know if I could have done that. You should be very proud of yourself for standing up for what you wanted and willing to take the consequences. For you as well, your MM has 3 kids - the kids and ex-wife will not go away. They will always be a part of the relationship with your MM. And the main source of conflict.

 

I hope you will reach some solution with him; and that you are content with your decision.

 

Befuddled:

It is interesting to finally hear your story. You sound very angry and bitter. I wish for you a better future with a good man.

[sara1974]

It's funny, me and my ex MM that I just broke up with only 5 days ago is constantly calling me now...Asking me about stuiped things like "have I seen his pillow case" or "have I seen his shirt" or "how Im doin"!.. how funny. Guess you don't know what you've got till it's gone. He knows he lost a good thing.

[FreeMe]

My boyfriend is separated and living with me. His divorce doesn't seem to be dragging - there's a date set. BUT - he's now becoming a committment-phobe! He decided he wants to move out and be on his own for awhile. When he moved in that's when I made my committment - we both wanted to get married as soon as possible. He doesn't anymore. He's been gradually getting less and less committed to the relationship. So now, not only does he not want to get married in the forseeable future, but he also doesn't want to live with me -but of course wants to continue seeing me and having all the benefits of living with me.

 

He's pulled further and further away, offering me less and less, but he wants me to trust that we will get married SOME DAY. And if I end this because he's moving out and I feel that we're taking a big step backwards then, of course, I'm the bad guy.

[Debster]

That doesn't sound good. It reminds me about when my parents told me never to get married young as you are just trading one house for another and you miss out on being on your own and developing your own personality and individuality. I guess that is why my sisters and I all got married (or in my case getting married) in our 30s.

[sara1974]

I went back with my ex this weekend. Im goin to try and stick it would with him (his divorce) I hope I didnt make a mistake. Any advise??

[Debster]

Only you can really decide if it is a good decision or not.

I wish you luck.

[sara1974]

Thank you Debster.

[smile95]

I read your post and I get the same run around? I am fed up! One day I love him and the next I want to quit. I try not to pry and we also agreed to update me of progress of court and I hear nothing! Then something comes up and and he is like "oh ya I had to go to court". I feel like things are going on that I do not know about?? I have been waiting 2 yrs now and I wish it was over. HOW CAN THIS TAKE SO LONG?????

[spencer]

hi freeme,

 

its been awhile, im in hiding............but i read your post about your bf becomming a commitmentphobe...huhmmm.........i say call his bluff.....you have had problems, like most of us, in the past and mabye being on your own might be a really good idea. even if you have sadness to the point of vomiting ..still go through with the separation......although you would need to insist on not acting like bf & gf...aka. no sex. nada.

 

i think he needs a wake up call, and i think you need to learn what kind of wonderful person you really are. i bet some of your problems will go away.

 

just my opinion, from the places i've been

good luck

[FreeMe]

Hey Spencer!

 

Thanks for responding to my post. (And thank you, Debster). He did move out but he basically wants to live with me most of the time but spend a couple of nights per week at his mom's (where he moved to).

 

He's changed his tune on marriage now and said he'd give me a committment and a ring for christmas (his divorce is final in August). He's also compromised on a couple of other things.

 

But I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure now. He's pulled away so much that I finally started to as well. Now I'm not sure I can be happy with him. I don't know what to do.

[sara1974]

I hope I didnt' make a mistake by goin back! I wish you luck too Beth!

[spencer]

hey freeme

 

lots of space is good, detach and make yourself busy.

find out what you really like.

 

good for you, on the right path.....happiness.