This separation is killing me....

[macmillerpwnz]

So here it goes, My wife (22) and I (25) have been married for 3 years and together for 6 years. We have a 4 year old daughter as well. In the beginning of our relationship I was definitely interested in other women. I did not respect her much and did not give her the attention she needed, but never actually physically cheated on her. She had told me at this point in our lives when our daughter was first born... that she had cheated on me and had sex with another guy "because he was so nice and I was not." Anyways, throughout our relationship I am completely oblivious to this and our marriage goes on.... We have had bad times and we have had good times as well... there were times where I did not feel like she was into me and others where I did.. As I got older she became more beautiful to me and I started to just appreciate her more and more. At the same time though, she was beginning to resent me more and more and lose her feelings for me.

 

So about a month ago is where things get weird. She decided to go out to the bar one night with some of her single college sorority girls. She wore one of those shirts that hang down where you can see the bra and shoulder. I was worried but tried to give her space and not crowd her or seem worried. After this point is where she started to act weird in regards to not showing me she cared as much... and what is weird is that once I started to realize she was doing this is when I wanted to make everything work again and tried my hardest to keep her happy and started to realize I am not giving her enough attention. It seemed too late though because she would bring up the fact of us not working out randomly out of no where and anything could stir up frustration between us.

 

Well one day she was just showing me she didn't care at all and I got sick of it so I left and told her that I loved her but I could not handle it with someone else not caring about me. So I left and the next morning she calls me to come back. So I do and we all go out to lego land that same day with our daughter. BEST DAY EVER! We had such a great time together. We even talked about how we are going to improve things! At night when we got home she said she wanted to have another kid.. so I came inside of her in order to do so... because I wanted our old relationship back! The next morning everything was normal... until the end of the day came along and she informed me she had a meeting with her boss who had told her that she had been noticing her behavior differently lately and that if she wants the promotion she needs to step it back into gear. After she told me this she pretty much started heading down the path of splitting up for good and getting a divorce "because it is now getting in the way of her career."

 

so for a little over a week now she has been living with her mom while leaving me at our apartment... she doesn't want to talk to me unless it is about our daughter. She doesn't even want to talk about how we are going to split things up. I begged her not to get a divorce and to give it time... so she agreed for us to separate and live our different lives and we should each go out and party and relax while taking a break. She also mentioned how she doesn't want to give me hope this will work either. I agreed to it as long as she wore her ring still... she told me she would wear it to make me happy but that is all and not for herself. I am still not sure at this point if she has actually filed for divorce or not yet because she still threatens me she is going to do it.. because at first she will tell me she will wait to do it because I want her to wait.. but then she will just threaten it to me later..the last time she threatened me was yesterday saying that I am dirty to be charging up her Credit card... but I did not charge it up.. I just ate some food on it because since we split our account up I have no debit card right now to access my new accounts.

 

Ever since that point it has just been feeling like divorce.. I do not want to sound needy and desperate anymore to her and want to try to move on... but at the same time I feel like we are just sooo young and didn't know how to handle a marriage and I want it to work out between us if she would just try like I am right now. So I am stuck between giving her the 180 rule and risk losing her because I stopped trying to explain how I care and understand now. Or keep on trying and giving her space as well until she comes around...

 

After reading a lot of other stories on here I do not want this separation thing to go on forever... I want to either try again or move on... but she has me stuck between both and I am not sure if she is really going to divorce or not or if she is just cheating on me again or what....WHAT DO I DO?

[wilsonx]

If you're asking yourself that question, then the answer ie yes, trust your instincts, they are always right. This is a grass is greener on the otherside post, more information in my signature.

 

It sucks, I came out of something similar 7 months ago ... Best bet is to focus on you and your kid, don't be mean to your wife. People are going to suggest counseling but its not going to happen, she's going to refuse. She's immature, already cheated on you once and is most likely doing it again if your instincts suspect it

 

If you want to see 6 months out of this breakup and me breaking NC, look for my post in the second chance forums. you can make a decision for yourself on what you should do

Edited December 9, 2011 by wilsonx

[robf1971]

So here it goes, My wife (22) and I (25) have been married for 3 years and together for 6 years. We have a 4 year old daughter as well. In the beginning of our relationship I was definitely interested in other women. I did not respect her much and did not give her the attention she needed, but never actually physically cheated on her. She had told me at this point in our lives when our daughter was first born... that she had cheated on me and had sex with another guy "because he was so nice and I was not." Anyways, throughout our relationship I am completely oblivious to this and our marriage goes on.... We have had bad times and we have had good times as well... there were times where I did not feel like she was into me and others where I did.. As I got older she became more beautiful to me and I started to just appreciate her more and more. At the same time though, she was beginning to resent me more and more and lose her feelings for me.

 

So about a month ago is where things get weird. She decided to go out to the bar one night with some of her single college sorority girls. She wore one of those shirts that hang down where you can see the bra and shoulder. I was worried but tried to give her space and not crowd her or seem worried. After this point is where she started to act weird in regards to not showing me she cared as much... and what is weird is that once I started to realize she was doing this is when I wanted to make everything work again and tried my hardest to keep her happy and started to realize I am not giving her enough attention. It seemed too late though because she would bring up the fact of us not working out randomly out of no where and anything could stir up frustration between us.

 

Well one day she was just showing me she didn't care at all and I got sick of it so I left and told her that I loved her but I could not handle it with someone else not caring about me. So I left and the next morning she calls me to come back. So I do and we all go out to lego land that same day with our daughter. BEST DAY EVER! We had such a great time together. We even talked about how we are going to improve things! At night when we got home she said she wanted to have another kid.. so I came inside of her in order to do so... because I wanted our old relationship back! The next morning everything was normal... until the end of the day came along and she informed me she had a meeting with her boss who had told her that she had been noticing her behavior differently lately and that if she wants the promotion she needs to step it back into gear. After she told me this she pretty much started heading down the path of splitting up for good and getting a divorce "because it is now getting in the way of her career."

 

so for a little over a week now she has been living with her mom while leaving me at our apartment... she doesn't want to talk to me unless it is about our daughter. She doesn't even want to talk about how we are going to split things up. I begged her not to get a divorce and to give it time... so she agreed for us to separate and live our different lives and we should each go out and party and relax while taking a break. She also mentioned how she doesn't want to give me hope this will work either. I agreed to it as long as she wore her ring still... she told me she would wear it to make me happy but that is all and not for herself. I am still not sure at this point if she has actually filed for divorce or not yet because she still threatens me she is going to do it.. because at first she will tell me she will wait to do it because I want her to wait.. but then she will just threaten it to me later..the last time she threatened me was yesterday saying that I am dirty to be charging up her Credit card... but I did not charge it up.. I just ate some food on it because since we split our account up I have no debit card right now to access my new accounts.

 

Ever since that point it has just been feeling like divorce.. I do not want to sound needy and desperate anymore to her and want to try to move on... but at the same time I feel like we are just sooo young and didn't know how to handle a marriage and I want it to work out between us if she would just try like I am right now. So I am stuck between giving her the 180 rule and risk losing her because I stopped trying to explain how I care and understand now. Or keep on trying and giving her space as well until she comes around...

 

After reading a lot of other stories on here I do not want this separation thing to go on forever... I want to either try again or move on... but she has me stuck between both and I am not sure if she is really going to divorce or not or if she is just cheating on me again or what....WHAT DO I DO?

 

There is nothing you can do to influence your wife, leave her alone, why would you want someone who threw you inder a bus like that. Go to a lawyer, fight for a fair settlement for you and access to your daughter.

 

You're young enough to learn from this and find someone way way more deserving of you than your STBX.

[macmillerpwnz]

Thank you wilson and rob. I appreciate the input. I have an update.. She called me today joking and talking crap about her mom saying she needs to move out and find her own apt because her mom is getting on her nerves already. So she wants to get together this weekend and have a talk about what we are going to do about splitting up everything. For once she is being my friend unlike this past week and a half where she has been really mad at me... why the sudden change of heart? Should I explain how I will love her soo much if we gave it 1 more shot?

[Bad husband]

From the info you posted I feel you are a prime candidate to incorporate the 180 that many people post about. You are both extremely young and this will be a learning experience for both of you no matter what the outcome. Good luck.

[macmillerpwnz]

TYTY for the input.. my only question how do I do the 180 when we are supposed to be talking about what finances we are going to split and when we can trade off our daughter?

[robf1971]

TYTY for the input.. my only question how do I do the 180 when we are supposed to be talking about what finances we are going to split and when we can trade off our daughter?

 

 

Just keep the talk friendly and business like, and stick to the subjects of finances and your daughter. Simples!!

[macmillerpwnz]

ok ty ty. I basically sent her an e-mail stating that I am no longer going to trap or smother her and that she is free to go... as well as that I admitted to her being my first lover and love all the memories we shared... but I respect her choice and that I will pray for her and that I will be fine cuz god is with me.

 

Even though this is not how I feel.. I really want her back badly but I feel like this was the best thing to do? I also didn't want her to think I am just moping around thinking about her so I sent her a pic of me and my muscles a day later and telling her my plan to gain more muscle cuz she knows I been working out. I then told her that I will be going to class in person instead of online to meet new people. I then said ..

 

"See I told you i am good. I have no regrets and am not living in the past and I honestly owe it all to you. I have learned so much about my self and relationships! Thank you for everything! I will pray for you, always!"

 

I now plan to do the 180... I was going to start doing it after the e-mail about letting her go but I did not want to put off a last impression before the 180 that I am upset about it but just dealing with it. I want her to think I am perfectly fine with it and am already moving on and focusing on myself.

 

We did talk yesterday before I sent her that pic, but we only talked about finances and our daughter. I also made sure to delay my call backs and text messages so it does not seem as if I am sitting around waiting for her and that I do have other things to do... even though I really don't...

 

Am I doing the right thing? Because I am now officially going to do the 180 hardcore since I feel like I left a pretty good last impression of how I feel... unless it is about finances and daughter of course... I do not want her to know exactly what I am doing or thinking... I just wanted to plant a seed into her mind that I am appearing to be focusing on myself... after that I want it to be a mystery and incooperate the 180 to get her thinking... does this sound like I am doing it right ?

 

My goal is to get her back... but if she never comes back then atleast I have been focusing on myself and preparing for the divorce incase it does happen... what are the chances she will come back?? She has been really nice since I showed her I am letting her go... She even told me good night... but I only said back to her..

 

"Night. Kiss my baby for me I miss her so much!"

 

I wanted it to feel like I am just about my daughter and I am not concerned about her.

[worldgonewrong]

Dude, one simple recommendation:

 

don't send her anymore muscle pics.

 

She probably sees it as a pathetic ploy, and if she's two-timing you, then she's having a good laugh about it with her OM.

 

So...just preserve your dignity on that front.

[macmillerpwnz]

damn...I never thought about it like that... now I feel retarded... so the best thing I can do now is just 180?

[macmillerpwnz]

ok so update...

 

since the muscle pics.. I had my daughter for the night.. everything was great we spent quality time together. I went to drop her back off at the STBX parent's house in the morning so she could take her to school. Our daughter's school is literally right next to my STBX job. She got upset a little because I didn't take her myself, but she finally agreed and then I left without saying anything.

 

Her step mom then calls and tells me that Kaylee is telling her that I told Kaylee that the step mom doesn't like my daughter. Basically accusing me of talking crap to them to my 4 yr old which I would never do. I ended up telling her I got to go since I didn't want to be caught up in the drama.

 

Minutes later STBX calls up from her "private number".. cuz she got some new phone.. and calls me privately so I can't have it..

 

She asks if I will be picking up our daughter this weekend and I tell her that I am, and that I also plan on keeping her on Saturday because we were going to do something together. She agreed and then immediately asked me rudely if I was going to be paying for half of some random medical bill I knew nothing about until now for our daughter. She asked me as if I didn't agree then she would surely get upset... this is how she always was in our relationship. I then asked her if she planned on paying half this cell phone bill that I got stuck with for 2 lines that cost me an extra 100 bux a month when I don't need it and she said no. I then told her I had to go cuz my boss was calling me. I have not spoke to her about it yet... we still have much things to discuss on how we are gonna split everything up but we don't seem to be doing much about it.

 

I feel like she is still playing games and I honestly want to just move on.. but I do not think she is being fair as well in this whole process... I am sure she thinks I am not being fair either..

[2sunny]

She needed to know if you were taking the child this weekend because she's planning her weekend time.

 

Probably with the new guy. You aren't supposed to notice. A new phone too... He may be married.

 

Pay attention... There's a lot you're not seeing.

[macmillerpwnz]

Yeah it is really hard to deal with all of this... considering I thought we were going to be in love forever.. but now all of a sudden she does a complete 180 to me overnight... she has to be with someone else...

 

Also you are right she went out partying last night and hasn't came back home yet so she stayed the night somewhere...

 

I know this because she is staying right up the road from me... So when I go to work or leave I have to pass by her parent's house where she is staying...

 

You think it would be a good idea to get a gps tracker and catch her in the cheating act?? My name is on the car so it wouldn't be illegal...

[macmillerpwnz]

BTW, I want to catch her in the act because that will not make her look good in court... Also.. I do not want her going out and cheating on me... but I do want to see my daughter too =(..... cuz she doesn't really have anyone else to watch our daughter but me...

[macmillerpwnz]

OK... so wife decides she wants to have lunch, so we do and she starts acting like she wants to get back together... but slowly.. she doesn't want to rush it because she thinks opening her heart back up she can get hurt again. We spent all day kissing and hugging.. mainly from my motives... but there were a couple times she leaned to kiss me too... Anyways... everything seems to be back to where we are on the path of reconciling... but is this true... almost seems to good to be true...

 

She did say she is tired of living with her step mom and wanted to move back into our apt together... that is what started all of this.... am I doing the right thing by trying again? Or is she using me?

[Steadfast]

Two huge egos in the same marriage.

 

You took her for granted because she was 'in the bag', she resented it and managed to turned the tables. Is it any surprise you're apart?

 

Before you can settle into anything that resembles a constructive life, you must decide what kind of life you want. Do what you say, and mean it. Really. You 'gamed' her into talking reconciliation, but she's still controlling the game. When a woman says 'don't get your hopes up' you can almost bet the farm any future movement on her part will be self-seeking.

 

Think about it; she's cheated, moved out, told you she plans on being 'social' during the separation, encouraged you to do the same thing and asked for a divorce. Now, because mommy is cramping her style she wants to come back home. The truth is, you take (and accept) more of her crap that her mother will. She has power over you. Her mother isn't buying it.

 

Until she says "I'm sorry, I was wrong. I love you and will do whatever it takes to save our marriage" then backs it up with actions, you have nothing. I suspect she is wary of you...and to be honest, I don't blame her.

 

My advice? Grow up.

[macmillerpwnz]

I appreciate the advice, but I don't appreciate the way you put it. What are you saying is the grown up thing to do? I am sorry I do not understand.

[macmillerpwnz]

Also there is an update..

 

Today she wanted to finish getting our daughter some Christmas presents, so we did. Afterwards she wanted to go back to our old apt to "clean up" etc.. because she was acting like she wanted to move in..

 

We were holding each other and she was acting like she loved me.. then all of a sudden she backs off and acts like it is not what she wants and she starts showing doubts...

 

She then lays on the bed and we cuddle.. and end up having sex.. she feels terrible about it afterwards saying now it is more complicated.. I tried making her feel better and at this point I knew she didn't want to do it anymore.. we did end up going out to eat afterwards and then I dropped her back off at her moms.

 

She then text'd me and said she had a good time and this is what we needed. But then immediately went into how she is scared tho and it is hard.. and she doesn't know if this is right and that what if the same situation occurs again..

 

I didn't say much cuz there wasn't much else to say...

[toosoft]

hmmm, sounds familiar. My ex is doing the same to me and I cant help being dragged along for the ride. She is having her cake and eating it. The right way to deal with this all is to distance yourself until she shows real commitment and is practically begging you back?? Or she will yo-yo for a long time and it will be you who comes off worst.

[martyjones47]

I've been going through this kind of stuff for almost 2 years now. So many of these steps seem familiar to me.

 

Honestly, I feel like if you try to reconcile now, it's going to be a false one, and you will be back here in a few months or sooner talking about your wife cheating on you and/or wanting to divorce again.

 

There's probably at least one Other Man, which may or may not be an ongoing physical affair or at least emotional affair. Chances are the first time when it seemed like she did want to work it out, she may have meant it or she just really didn't know and was having a hard time choosing between you and other man/men. When she backed off, she probably decided she was going to pursue something outside the marriage.

 

When she moved out, it's so she can be "separated" so when she goes on dates and/or hookups, she isn't cheating in her mind because she's "separated." And in her mind she did the right thing by you because she let you know she wanted to separate/divorce before she started banging someone else or trying to. So you can't blame her. Moving out probably has to do with another man. it has nothing to do with needing to improve her work performance. How does moving out to party more help job performance. if anything her work was suffering, not because of anything to do with you, but because of her affair or intentions of one.

 

Meanwhile your actions let her know you are waiting around for her to come back. So if she wants to go try out other men and decides she doesn't want what she samples, she can always come back to you. You say you are doing a 180 and then send muscle pictures? bad move, including all the sappy stuff you said. She needs to be treated like an adult who make choices and is responsible for her actions, not some princess that you are going wait around for and rescue after she's out getting pounded by some bad boys. If she's leaving the marriage and you have to deal with finances and your child, that's business.

 

Why is she acting like she's coming back now? Maybe her other relationship(s) didn't work out. Maybe she got dumped. Either way you are 2nd ( or 3rd or 4th) choice. You are the willing backup plan. Or maybe she doesn't want to live with Mom anymore and wants to move back with you because of the convenience. maybe she'd rather you both live with your kid, but she's going to step out on the sly. Maybe she will trick you into thinking she's back now and you two are working on things, but you are the only one working on it. or maybe she still does love you, but she wants to see other people, too. Maybe she likes having sex with you when its not available somewhere else. Maybe you are a convenient familiar "f buddy" to her. Or she just wants to keep you whipped.

 

Unless you want some kind of open marriage or want to have to worry about this happening again every minute of your life, she's going to have to WANT to be in the marriage. And you are going to have to let her know what that requires. If not, you are better off staying apart, at least until you get to the bottom of things and she comes clean, including genuine remorse.

[macmillerpwnz]

Thank you for the input I really appreciate your time..

 

She is acting like she wants to come back but she is afraid of getting hurt again. So from her perspective she is basically making it seem like we are taking baby steps to reconcile.

 

She told me yesterday that she will talk with her parents and see if I can spend Christmas with them. She also stated that Monday after xmas she would like to then get a full size bed to sleep on separately or sleep on the couch when she does move back in... atleast for a while.

 

When will be a good time to bring up what I expect from her? Because you are right.. I do not want to be the guy waiting around either... how am I supposed to work it out and reconcile without giving her time first? Because telling her what I expect and etc.. is pushing it too fast for her... if I try to bring up too much of what I expect if we get back together then she might freak out.. because she is trying to take it slow...

 

Is this not the correct way to do it? Shouldn't it be that she either wants to be with me or she doesn't? And if she does then she would be open to making it work... but right now she just seems like she wants to take it slow and see how our relationship goes... does this sound legit? If I pressure her too much too fast she will get frustrated..

[macmillerpwnz]

It seems as if every story on here has something to do with an affair... is it really always that way? Can it not be that a woman really needs time?

 

BTW, I do remember telling her that if she did move in then we can go out together but I wouldn't feel comfortable with her going out on her own. I also told her I would like to take our passcodes off our phones because there is no point to have them on there... but she always acts like it is a bad thing as if we do not trust each other if we do that... and it is wrong... but I think it actually builds trust...?

Edited December 20, 2011 by macmillerpwnz

[macmillerpwnz]

So a quick update, I freaked out on her yesterday because ... well it really doesn't matter. The bottom line is I stirred up drama because I pushed her some more to be with me and even said at one point I didn't want to be a doormat.

 

I sent her an email saying how I feel about her and that I did not want to smother or push her into moving in, spending xmas together, or anything. I then told her time was running out.....

 

I am not so sure this was smart... she started ignoring my texts last night after I told her I feel like she is holding something back from me. That is when I sent the email.

 

I try to control myself then this happens... I am so mad at myself.

[macmillerpwnz]

I told her I was sorry for pushing her again and I will not do that anymore. I have to stay true to my words... sigh... I told her she could feel free to contact me on her lunch or after work to tell me about her day but she doesn't have to. She only text'd be on her lunch to talk about paying bills, then she said she is talking to her boss and has not text'd me again.. I feel retarded.. I feel like I almost had her back...

[macmillerpwnz]

Some days are harder than others but today is really hard. I have to not push her anymore and focus on myself again like I was doing.. and my daughter of course.. If we never hung out over the weekend I would be fine right now. Problem is I feel like there is hope..