Leaving the nest

[blackwidow290]

Hey everyone,

I'm a 23 year old woman and I currently live at home. My parents are good people and culturally they expect me to stay with them until I'm either ready for marriage or when I've saved up for a home. I don't mind this and the support they offer. The problem arises because I have an older sister who a complete psychopath - literally. She steals, lies, screams, leeches, and she has been very emotionally abusive to me and my parents throughout the years. She has 0 friends, never had a job. She constantly puts me down about the quality of jobs I've had but she does that with everyone and it just shows the void she has inside of her. As a consequence of this behavior which has been going on for years, my parents feel hopeless and they project that anxiety onto me. It's really horrible and intense. Because of my sister's state, they pressure me too much, they expect too much from me, and minor negatives are responded to with extreme fear and intense emotions. I am a math student in one of the top universities in the country. Despite my smarts, I feel that this environment doesn't allow me to thrive. I do well in school, but I come home and my emotional suffering is reignited. Just hearing my sister's daily screams, it's like someone hitting my head with a hammer or cutting me. I have a social life, but her sickness has taken a lot of enjoyment from all that I do. I felt a lot of guilt and confusion initially. It's really horrible to see someone transform, make no sense. I know that it sounds selfish but I have to think of myself, I really can't help her and I honestly just want to stay away. I also have guilt of leaving my mom alone in this situation, she desperately clings on to me for strength. I used to be so strong, after this, I don't know anymore. I need to get myself back. Enjoy my life. For my last year, I'll have some difficult courses, and I want to move on campus. , I want to make new friends, thrive socially, new life, have the life that I deserve. I would have to get a loan for the housing, but my emotional health is more important. I don't know i f it's the right decision. My parents will resent me intensely, my sister will go crazy with jealousy (when i do well, she goes nuts, starts destroying things in my room, screams like a hysterical animal) What do you guys think? Any piece of advice for someone in this situation?

Edited December 8, 2011 by blackwidow290

[beautifulearth83]

It's apparent that you know it is what you need to do, but I wouldn't look at it so much like you're trading one situation for another. I would focus more on transitioning into it. That could be done by expressing your feelings to your family little by little. It may even lead to a good amount of support from them... and shake things up just right for your sister to see the light open up to her path...

[cerridwen]

Hey everyone,

I'm a 23 year old woman and I currently live at home. My parents are good people and culturally they expect me to stay with them until I'm either ready for marriage or when I've saved up for a home. I don't mind this and the support they offer. The problem arises because I have an older sister who a complete psychopath - literally. She steals, lies, screams, leeches, and she has been very emotionally abusive to me and my parents throughout the years. She has 0 friends, never had a job. She constantly puts me down about the quality of jobs I've had but she does that with everyone and it just shows the void she has inside of her. As a consequence of this behavior which has been going on for years, my parents feel hopeless and they project that anxiety onto me. It's really horrible and intense. Because of my sister's state, they pressure me too much, they expect too much from me, and minor negatives are responded to with extreme fear and intense emotions. I am a math student in one of the top universities in the country. Despite my smarts, I feel that this environment doesn't allow me to thrive. I do well in school, but I come home and my emotional suffering is reignited. Just hearing my sister's daily screams, it's like someone hitting my head with a hammer or cutting me. I have a social life, but her sickness has taken a lot of enjoyment from all that I do. I felt a lot of guilt and confusion initially. It's really horrible to see someone transform, make no sense. I know that it sounds selfish but I have to think of myself, I really can't help her and I honestly just want to stay away. I also have guilt of leaving my mom alone in this situation, she desperately clings on to me for strength. I used to be so strong, after this, I don't know anymore. I need to get myself back. Enjoy my life. For my last year, I'll have some difficult courses, and I want to move on campus. , I want to make new friends, thrive socially, new life, have the life that I deserve. I would have to get a loan for the housing, but my emotional health is more important. I don't know i f it's the right decision. My parents will resent me intensely, my sister will go crazy with jealousy (when i do well, she goes nuts, starts destroying things in my room, screams like a hysterical animal) What do you guys think? Any piece of advice for someone in this situation?

 

It's not selfishness OP, but rather self-preservation that's spurring you on.

The situation is very unhealthy.

Boundaries between the parental role and yours have blurred.

 

Advise your parents to seek out help from organized mental health agencies; ones that include support for the caregivers as well.

To put partial responsiblity of you for helping to make the situation better, is frankly wrong.

But, I understand the cultural component, the duty to one's parents, and feel for you.

 

Please be proactive here, OP.

Begin to move forward toward a life outside the home.

If it would assuage the guilt, research the type of agencies I mentioned above, and pass the information along.

Best to you.

[Ross MwcFan]

There's nothing selfish about it at all. Your feelings are important too.

 

My advice is to move out of there as soon as possible. And I think you should cut all ties with your sister.