EyeAlone's Log of Coping

[EyeAlone]

Today I had a huge epiphany of a potential red flag in our relationship. He was a very secretive person to the point where only a few people know the date of his birthday. He said that he just doesn't want people knowing that stuff. Not even his roommate whom he's known for 10 years and lived with for a few years knows when his birthday is. Wtf? Looking back at it, that is weird in a bad sense. I don't know why my radar didn't pick that up.

 

Everyone who I've told that he's known for approx 8 months that he didn't want to be with me thinks that is really f*cked up. Something is not adding up. He either 1) has another reason why he's breaking up with me and just made up a lie or 2) he really knew 8 months ago that it wouldn't work but didn't have the balls to tell me for some selfish or immature reason. But as I've said before, it doesn't matter. The end result is still the same: we're broken up.

 

I managed to not cry at work today, thankfully. It really sucks coming home because I always used to look forward to our phone conversations. It is so weird...the night before we broke up, we had an awesome 1+ hour long conversation on the phone and things seemed completely normal. That's why I was so blindsided the following day. He gave no indication that anything was wrong or that he was going to break up with me. My previous ex started giving me hints by being very distant, rude, abrupt with me a few days before our break up so I knew something was up. But not this time. I'm so confused.

 

He said that this break up was "difficult" for him because we have so much in common, which is true. He said he just couldn't put his finger on it but he's known for 8 months. He said that he needed to "think about it" all this time and wanted to tell me earlier but never did. He says that he doesn't have any regrets but he said he might regret it in the future. This is just so stupid.

 

It's days like these that make me wish I was a cold hearted b*tch and just didn't care about people.

[EyeAlone]

It's been almost 72 hours of NC and I'm quite proud that I haven't sneaked over to Facebook to unblock his page and see what he's been up to.

 

But I miss him so badly. I really wish he would call me and tell me that he made a mistake. That happened with my previous 2 exes so I have this false sense of unhealthy hope. I'm still in shock and quite angry that one day everything is hunky-dory and then less than 24 hours later he kicks me to the curb. I never would have thought that he would be that kind of person. Actually, I can't believe that anyone could do that. With my last 2 exes, I could feel that the break up was impending a few days to even a few weeks before it happened. But not this time. I think that's what bothers me the most about this break up. He went completely Jekyll and Hyde on me in less than a day. WTF HAPPENED??

[EyeAlone]

Well, it happened. I finally had my first dream about him post-break up. In it we reconciled and became a couple again. In my dream I remember feeling hesitant because I was concerned that his feelings really hadn’t changed. Huh. Anyway, when I woke up, I wanted to give myself a concussion with my pillow but fortunately the feathers did not allow that to happen. If I must dream of him I would like the theme to be anything but getting back together.

 

I’ve been working on a DBT workbook that my therapist suggested and hope it provides some assistance in moving on. My problem is that I looooove to ruminate

[ScienceGal]

This guy was not good for you (at least right now), and you know that. You haven't fully accepted it yet (because that will take emotional detachment = time). But, you will accept it. There will be moments where nothing can comfort you and you will feel like you are at rock bottom. I am telling you, just keep pushing through. Be sad, be pissed, wish that you were dead, miss him, miss him some more, lie to yourself, re-hash everything (again), blame yourself, blame him, find a way to see what he's up to, feel depressed about it, and then keep ping-ponging back around this list. But, never forget that it is the familiarity that you are missing. The bond, the love, the relationship. From what you wrote, he doesn't seem like he was a great partner to you.

 

I was where you are 6 months ago. There is no easy way out, but there is an out, eventually. Trust me. Maintaining no contact is crucial. The best thing that you can do is throw your hands up and accept that none of this is in your control. You're allowed to struggle and grieve, but not all the time. Pick yourself up. Stay busy and active. Try to do anything that makes you happy for a bit.

 

The absolute best thing that you can do when someone is willing to lose you from their life is to let them.

[EyeAlone]

This guy was not good for you (at least right now), and you know that. You haven't fully accepted it yet (because that will take emotional detachment = time). But, you will accept it. There will be moments where nothing can comfort you and you will feel like you are at rock bottom. I am telling you, just keep pushing through. Be sad, be pissed, wish that you were dead, miss him, miss him some more, lie to yourself, re-hash everything (again), blame yourself, blame him, find a way to see what he's up to, feel depressed about it, and then keep ping-ponging back around this list. But, never forget that it is the familiarity that you are missing. The bond, the love, the relationship. From what you wrote, he doesn't seem like he was a great partner to you.

 

I was where you are 6 months ago. There is no easy way out, but there is an out, eventually. Trust me. Maintaining no contact is crucial. The best thing that you can do is throw your hands up and accept that none of this is in your control. You're allowed to struggle and grieve, but not all the time. Pick yourself up. Stay busy and active. Try to do anything that makes you happy for a bit.

 

The absolute best thing that you can do when someone is willing to lose you from their life is to let them.

Thanks, ScienceGal. I've been having a ****ty day but I've been rereading your post throughout the day and it makes me feel a little better.

 

One of the issues that I've always struggled with breakups or even relationships for that matter is that the effort you put in will not always equal what comes out. For example, I know that if I study hard, I'll get a good grade on my test. But it doesn't work that way in relationships and breakups. No matter how hard I "try," I cannot make someone love me the way I want them to. I have absolutely no control and that bothers me a lot. You're right, ScienceGal, I need to accept that this is all out of my control. Maybe I should try to find comfort in that because if I can't control it then I shouldn't worry about it because there's nothing I can do. Sigh.

 

One thing that always scares the **** out of me after a breakup is the possibility that I could still be pining away for me ex a year from now or even longer. I've worked with some people who are still pining away for their ex decades after their breakup and they act like the breakup was just recently. WTF? I DO NOT want to be like that but after every breakup, I'm always worried that it will happen with the most recent guy. I'm hoping that maybe most people move on and "finish" coping and that's why they no longer post at this forum.

 

My mom always tells me the same two crappy things after every breakup. 1) I'll meet someone who does love me. I think that's stupid because some people stay single their whole lives. I could be one of those people!! 2) The fact that she had to go through two horrible breakups before she got married. I also find this to be irritating because despite those breakups she managed to get married when she was 21 y/o. I'm 26.

 

I looked (ugh, I know) to see if my ex rejoined the dating website where we met. He hasn't. That brings me joy for some reason But then I'm reminded that I'm back at the dating site and that there are slim pickings in my area

 

I often hear my sister complain about her boyfriend. A lot. They started dating around the same time that my ex and I started dating and yet they're still together. They fight often. She complains about how boring their conversations are and how he talks down to her regarding trivial things. Whenever I'm with them, they just don't talk to each other. They're just....there. But, they're still together. My ex and I had so much in common, did not fight, and so many great conversations, but we're not together. I don't get it.

[EyeAlone]

After a breakup, I hate when something unexpected happens and one of the things that will come to my mind is "Oh I can't wait to tell **** about this!" Then I remember that they're not there anymore. Today my car was broken into and things were stolen. Fortunately it's all stuff that's replaceable and nothing emergent like wallet, credit cards, ID, etc. But I felt so alone because he would have been the first person I called up.

 

I'm beginning to wonder that perhaps I pushed him away. I admit, I'm too nice of a person and I wonder if that was too much for him. I loved to bake and he loved to eat so I made a dessert for him almost every week. When I was at his place for the weekend, I would help him chores and such. When he was trying to find an apartment, I searched online for him and looked for utilities. We didn't disagree often but I wasn't trying to be agreeable. We just had a lot in common.

 

I guess I need to be a bitch

[EyeAlone]

Something weird happened the other day. I was thinking back on the relationship and I was able to find some red flags that I initially was not aware of but indicated that he probably was going to break up with me. For some strange reason, that gave me some comfort. Maybe it makes me feel better having proof that this was not some stupid decision he made overnight. I honestly don't understand why that would bring comfort but it did.

 

I'm really dreading this weekend. It's the first weekend I've had after the breakup when I don't have to work. I really count on my work to distract me during the day and it usually does a good job doing just that. When we were still together, I would travel to visit him if I had the whole weekend off. I'd always look forward to those weekends Now I dread them. I have a couple of things planned this weekend like going to the gym but that's only going to keep me occupied for a few hours. I'm going to have to deal with sitting in my apartment alone with my thoughts and that is scary. My therapist gave me homework to go join a meetup group just so I can get out of my apartment and socialize. I don't mind socializing but I hate going to a new place/situation where I don't know anyone. My anxiety levels go through the roof. Logically I know that I'm going to have to be in situations where I don't know anyone because it's impossible to know someone everywhere. But I try to avoid it if I can. It's severely limiting myself but I just feel like a boring, mediocre person.

 

I hate this. I wish I didn't care.

[EyeAlone]

Well, this weekend is off to a great start. I had an extensive dream about my ex and I getting back together. He had dated some girl and it didn't work out so he wanted to try things out again with me. Thank goodness the window repair guy for my car called me in the morning otherwise that dream would have been even longer. This is the second dream I've had of him this past week that entails us getting back together. Now I've been ruminating about the breakup and my anger towards him for the past couple of hours and feel depressed and lonely. If I must dream about him, I wish it was something where I am triumphant or him getting whatever he deserves. Not reconciling

[EyeAlone]

Yesterday was a rock bottom day. I spent most of it lying on the couch and accomplished nothing except crying. I know he wasn't good for me but as SG said, I miss the companionship and he did do a good job of providing that. I really want it but it's so hard to believe that I'll ever find it again at the level that I had with him...

 

This morning I woke up after having another dream about him where we reconciled. I can't ****ing believe this. I rarely dreamt of him when we were dating but now he's monopolizing my sleep. I thought that sleep would be the one place I can go to where I'll be safe from my stupid mind but apparently that isn't happening.

[EyeAlone]

Nothing new since I posted 3 hours ago. It's 3:30pm and I'm still in bed. But I was reading some of my old posts from last year regarding the breakups I dealt with... I'm surprised I survived some of that ****. I'm hoping the same will be true this time around...

 

This is also going to be the first holiday season that I've spent alone since 2005...no wonder why I'm such a grinch

[EyeAlone]

Okay, so I'm proud of myself that I haven't unblocked his Facebook to take a peek and see what he's been up to. But I'm guilty of spying on him on dating sites and making assumptions. Actually, he hasn't rejoined any of the dating sites and I've been doing extensive searches in case he changed his username. But no sign of him. Something tells me that there was another girl in the picture and that's why he hasn't rejoined. Sure, he could still be grieving over the relationship, but I doubt that.

 

The thought of dating again is so exhausting. I'm on the dating sites but I really have no intention on going on a date with anyone. I haven't replied to any of the emails I've received. Maybe if I'm completely floored with someone then I might reconsider. But otherwise, ehh just don't care. It's weird though because at the same time I really miss being in a relationship. I still miss my ex but if he were to come back and ask for a second chance, I would turn him down because I know better. But I still want to be in a relationship I feel so empty without one. I have a lot of stuff going for me in my favor, I admit, but it just seems pointless if I'm not in a relationship. I feel pointless without someone. Yeah, I know that's unhealthy. It's probably part of the reason why I keep ending up in these failed relationships. I tolerate too many things and make excuses for the guy and I rationalize at the time that I'm doing the right thing but probably deep down I just don't want to be single. I go through a mental bargaining process where I wish that I could give something up something in my life and have a good relationship instead. Sigh.

 

My lack of confidence in myself and poor self-esteem is seeping into my job and many supervisors have commented on it. I feel like an inadequate person in all areas in my life so I guess I feel okay with another inadequate person in an inadequate relationship. I'm so sick of this stupid cycle.

[EyeAlone]

Ughhhh today I'm having an angry day. It probably has to do with the fact that I had more dreams of him this morning. My hindsight eyes are also opening up a little wider and noticing more of the things that he did that subconsciously annoyed me. It makes me disgusted in myself that I tolerated them. Whether or not he was truly over his ex girlfriends is something I will never know, but regardless he talked about them more often than he should. It wasn't just a side comment about one of them like, "Oh, I had an ex girlfriend who worked at XYZ" when we were at XYZ store. No, he spoke of them like they were still on pedestals. WHY THE **** DID I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT?!?!?! If I ever date another guy who continues to dote on his exes, boom, I'm kicking him to the curve.

 

As I've become older, it's become much more clear of how little self-esteem I have. I met with my supervisor at work recently to go over my performance so far for this month. She said I know my **** but I have no self-confidence when I'm trying to convey my thoughts. That's a huge negative because in my line of work, one of the major objectives that need to be accomplished is instill confidence in my clients. She's not the first supervisor who has told me that it's a huge flaw of mine. My reply is that I honestly don't feel confident in myself and I don't feel like I know what I'm doing.

 

My lack of confidence and esteem seeps into so many areas of my life. It's a huge cesspool and I'm struggling to stay afloat. I hate it. But I feel so inadequate. It's what leads me to performing poorly on the job and staying in ****ty relationships.

 

I was wondering yesterday about what is wrong with me and why I am I still feeling like crap. Then I realized that we haven't even been broken up for 3 weeks. I'm rushing things. But I'm so tired of everything. I just want to be in a happy relationship; I guess it's too much to ask.

[EyeAlone]

I had my therapist appointment today. One of the things we discussed is my nonexistent self-esteem. We arrived at the conclusion that part of the problem is that I put myself in relationships with individuals who reinforce my negative thoughts. For example, I beat myself up over my body image and appearance. I don't have an eating disorder or anything like that; I just ruminate over certain aspects of myself. The guy that broke up with me a few weeks ago would always talk about the body figures of his exes (they were so thin that they didn't even menstruate naturally) and how he "prefers" that type and not girls with my figure. WTF? Why did I subject myself to that? Why why why why why why?

 

Ugh randomly I started having images of him having sex with this one FWB that he has when he's single. Makes me want to vomit He does not deserve a place in my brain.

 

For New Year's Eve, I'm going to a party hosted by my friend's parents. It will be a bunch of older, established lawyer people but whatever, it gets me out of my apartment.

[EyeAlone]

So I did end up going to that party and had more fun than I thought I would. There was at least lots of good food. But I was able to enjoy my night more because I did some Facebook stalking I know, I know...but I was weak and gave in. He has some of his stuff public and I saw that he had posted on one of his friend's event invitations that he would be unable to make it to their party because he was just going to stay home and work. I was so thrilled about this discovery. We were going to hang out for New Year's but obviously that never happened. However, I was able to go out and have fun with my friend and be in good company while he was stuck at home working away. In all seriousness though, it appears some things haven't changed with him. All of his friendships and relationships get placed on the back burner. I understand and respect that it takes a lot of dedication to earn a PhD, which is what he's in school for. Having said that, I, too, have a professional degree, which involved working 50-90 hours/week for the past couple of years. But I made time for my friends and SOs and put effort into those bonds. I did the same for my recent ex and I actually did most of the work for the past 6 months because I was the one traveling to see him and when I was there I would do favors for him and really tried to be a good girlfriend. But he did not even try to reciprocate, as I've now realized.

 

I spent the entire day on Sunday in bed (no exaggeration) and half of the day Monday in bed as well. I had to return to work today so I forced myself to get out of bed. I really hope this isn't my depression returning. This is exactly how it started a couple of years ago...

 

On a positive note, I signed up for my first 5k. I've always been too self-conscious to do that so this is a big step for me. At the very least it will give me something to look forward to and to work towards. I've also seen this one guy at the gym eyeing me. I'm not in the mood for any sort of dating right now but it's nice to see that there might be hope somewhere in the future.

[EyeAlone]

I had to hurry up and get this post in before midnight. It has been officially 1 full month since the break up, which means 1 month of NC. I didn't think I could do it, but I did. One of the hardest aspects was that approx 10pm every night would be our phone hour since we were long distance. It took me a few weeks feel comfortable not sitting around near the phone when that time came by every night. In the back of my mind I would think to myself, "Well, if he's going to break NC and call me, this would be the time of the day...." Fortunately my mind is no longer plagued by that weed of hope.

 

I cried last night but it wasn't because of him. I don't remember the last time I cried because I missed him or for being single. Don't get me wrong; I still feel like crap and I'm nowhere near healed from this breakup. I've been suffering from a lot of neurovegetative problems and as I mentioned in my previous post, this is how my depressive episodes usually start. But I take solace in the fact that I don't feel like sh*t every morning when I wake up. The first thing that comes to my mind for the past week or so when I'm getting out of bed never has to do with me being single or anything regarding my ex. Thank goodness.

[EyeAlone]

Today is my ex's birthday. Before I continue with this post, I want to reiterate for the nth time that my ex has only told a couple of people during his entire lifetime when his birthday was. Not even his best friend whom he's lived with for years knows. That just emphasizes how weird my ex is.

 

Anyway, I caught myself feeling nostalgic a couple of times today regarding the awesome birthday night I put together for him a year ago. The dinner was awesome, the cake I made from scratch was awesome, and hell, even the card I made for him was awesome. Ugh, what a waste of time and money. I wonder if he still has the card... Whatever, I threw away all of the cards he made me. They were created on a foundation of lies and disrespect; I cannot keep objects in my apartment that symbolize and remind me of bad days. The memories I have in my head are enough as it is.

 

I'm pretending that he's disappointed tonight because I didn't contact him to wish him a happy bday Immature perhaps, but it's what will get me through the night.

 

I also noticed that I was sneaking peaks at his dating profile a little too often and it was making me enraged internally so I had to take action. I downloaded the add-on for Firefox that blocks specific webpages and added his profile to the blacklist. Now I cannot access it Sure, I could always remove the link from the blacklist but that will take too much work.

 

Here's hoping for a good weekend...

[EyeAlone]

Omg.

 

One of the huge problems in the relationship was my ex talking about his ex girlfriends. These weren't casual remarks either like "Oh, I used to have a girlfriend who worked at Red Lobster" as we are eating Red Lobster for dinner (stupid example but it was the first thing that came to mind). But no, he took everything a step further. He would not stfu about them, especially one in particular. He had her on a pedestal even though she dumped his a$$ and married some other guy years ago. He always made it seem like she was still into him and wants to divorce her husband. Wtf? He told me that he can't talk to her on the phone because "she still has feelings for me." F*** that s***. Anyway, she was on the track team when she was in college, and he had to remind me about this every month.

 

I used to be very athletic during my younger years but when I hit my 20s I just settle for a casual jog every once in a while. I always told myself, "You're not good enough" or "You were never that athletic" or "You didn't make the varsity team for a reason." When we broke up, I needed to find something to fill the void. First thing that came in my mind was running. I figured it would give me mental satisfaction for "revenge" against my ex since he always spoke of what a great runner his ex was.

 

It's been almost 2 months since the breakup and today I ran my first 5K race ever. Again, this is is something I never thought I could do. I cried after I reached the finish line and these weren't tears of sadness.

 

I realized that I've been doing this for myself all along; it wasn't revenge against my ex. I realized that although I'm single, I'm going to be okay.

 

I'm happy