Isn't it possible to be happily married without being joined at the hip?!

[yes]

Isn't it possible to be happily married without being joined at the hip?!

 

If both sides of a couple have hobbies and friends that they don't share,

make separate purchases without consulting each other (unless it's >$X),

etc, it doesn't imply that they're not happily married, does it?? Necessarily or usually??

 

And if one of the spouses gets temporarily sick, and the other one takes care of him/her, pulls the extra load, but doesn't panic and remains cheerful, it doesn't mean s/he doesn't love him/her, does it?!

 

It seems my view of a happy marriage is strikingly different from that of my parents, hence my questions. They think I'm too young to understand what marriage is all about, and i think they're being too narrow-minded about the picture of a happy marriage.

 

Comments, anyone? Plz say if you're married, and if so, if happily, when you reply, plz

 

thanks,

-yes

[quankanne]

it's a generational thing, I think; parents judge their kids' relationships based on what they experienced, not necessarily what the kids are experiencing. My parents were scandalized everytime my sisters did something that didn't involve their husbands, or even pursued their respective careers the way they had, and it took them a long, long time to see that the girls weren't necessarily doing those things to be selfish.

 

back in their day, women stayed at home, caring for the family to make their home a loving one. Now it's almost impossible (unless you've got a really good sense of economics and plan carefully or you've got a partner with a really good paying job) for one parent to stay home -- often both husband and wife work to be able to support their family the way they felt their parents had supported them.

 

If both sides of a couple have hobbies and friends that they don't share,

make separate purchases without consulting each other (unless it's >$X),

etc, it doesn't imply that they're not happily married, does it?? Necessarily or usually??

 

heck, I think a healthy relationship is one that recognizes and respects the need for individual pursuits and hobbies as well as those that the couple can do together, provided those outside interests don't take away from the integrity of their relationship (as in sleeping around, pissing away your partner's money or stuff like that). I'd go nuts if I had to do everything with Richard, and I think he feels the same way! Besides, we don't always agree on what makes a "fun" past-time -- hanging out with smokers and drinkers isn't my idea of fun, but neither gossiping and going places interesting with the girls his favorite thing. But, that doesn't mean we're unhappy because we like different things ...

 

still trying to figure out how not flipping out when my husband is sick equals not "loving" him – worrying has its place, but I think the last thing the person you love wants to have to deal with is you being freaked out by his/her illness.

[yes]

you're prolly right that it's some kind of generational & whatever else difference. it's probably best to not even discuss this with my parents.

 

i agree with the rest of what you said, too...

 

-yes

[moimeme]

I don't think it's generational. I think it has to do with how a couple agrees to relate.

 

If both sides of a couple have hobbies and friends that they don't share,

make separate purchases without consulting each other (unless it's >$X),

etc, it doesn't imply that they're not happily married, does it?? Necessarily or usually??

 

Depends. To one, it might, if that one has expectations that all these things will be done together. It's important to make a discussion about how much together time you expect one of the important talks you have when deciding whether someone is 'the one'. Some folks like to hang together a lot; others do a lot of things separately. Different folks have different needs.

 

And if one of the spouses gets temporarily sick, and the other one takes care of him/her, pulls the extra load, but doesn't panic and remains cheerful, it doesn't mean s/he doesn't love him/her, does it?!

 

It seems my view of a happy marriage is strikingly different from that of my parents, hence my questions. They think I'm too young to understand what marriage is all about, and i think they're being too narrow-minded about the picture of a happy marriage.

 

There are never, ever any one-size-fits-all rules. People relate how they relate. Thier mistake is in believing that thier way is the only right way to do whatever.

 

The other thing is that you never know how you'll be. I'm an only child and have spent a fair bit of time alone. I did not expect myself to enjoy someone's constant company a lot, but when I was married, we did a lot of things together, and it was great. Other relationships have had somewhat less together time and that was fine, too. Sometimes you want different things out of different relationships, so it's unlikely there's even a one-size-fits-all rule for you, too.

[krbshappy71]

YES,

 

My parents, too, made sneering comments about people who were married and lived "their seperate lives" which weren't truly seperate lives, they would just take small trips, go to their hobby-shows, whatever with their own friends instead of as a couple. I actually was quite intrigued and attracted to that idea, to be able to have MY life and also have someone I loved? And to let them have THEIR life? It sounded ideal to me then, as a kid and growing up, and sounds ideal to me now. Stop looking outside of what you have for approval and look inside at what you have to see if its what you love and enjoy. So often we compare our lives to others and really ours is just fine the way it is.

 

Wasn't it Sinatra that sang, 'I did it MY WAY.'

[yes]

Thanks for your input!

 

I agree with moi that there's no one-fits-all size here, and my ideals may well change many times over time.

 

And krbshappy, there are wise words! :

Stop looking outside of what you have for approval and look inside at what you have to see if its what you love and enjoy. So often we compare our lives to others and really ours is just fine the way it is.

 

-yes

[Thinkalot]

Also...sometimes the needs of the partners differ. So then a happy middle ground needs to be found. And over time, the partner's needs shift too, so the balance can change. But you find what suits and keep adapting. At the moment, for example, I have a greater need for shared time with my fiance (still like saying that ) than he does with me, because he is so busy and involved with his job, and I am a little unchallenged in my current role. But that could change in the future, if I were to get a different job for example.

[Kristine]

I'm going to be the different perspective. I think what you've described is just too seperate for a marriage. It's almost like roommates. I'm a gen-x'er so not that old, but I feel you're too seperated from each other. You do need to share a few things, but differences are great (gives you stuff to talk about). My husband and I have friends that aren't each other's friends. We do share and discuss major finances. We also have our own money. There's a connection that needs to exist in a marriage. Roomates keep everything seperate.