Once a cheater, always a cheater? Is that true?

[rabid-dog]

I am dating a 20 years old guy for a month now, and two weeks into the relationship, he told me that when he was 17, he dated 3 girls at the same time for about a month while travelling abroad. They found out about it, broken-hearted and dumped him, obviously.

And there I was, too shocked to say anything about this matter. I managed to keep calm and comforted myself: "he was young, raging hormones can make people do crazy things". But still, it bugged me so badly, he could sense it and said that he would never do those things again, it made him feel so guilty and horrible.

My family was ruined because my father cheated on my mother for 3 years before she actually found out about it. Even though right now, my father still staying married to his 2nd wife, he cheats on her and flirts around.

I'm traumatized by this, and until this day, my mom always told me to always love with my eyes open, you know what she meant.

 

What should I do about this? Just see it as a childish mistake that anyone could've made at that age? Or see it as a warning that the worse is yet to come?

[Space Ritual]

while past behavior in many cases is a great barometer for future behaviors, no one can say for certain if every single cheater will cheat again. They have only showed they have the capability to do so.

[cerridwen]

 

... my mom always told me to always love with my eyes open, you know what she meant.

 

What should I do about this? Just see it as a childish mistake that anyone could've made at that age? Or see it as a warning that the worse is yet to come?

 

Growing up, my mother repeatedly advised the same, and it left quite an impression.

So, I married a man with no cheating history, whose parents had never cheated or divorced, and I felt very secure in the relationship.

He's still the epitome of an honorable man.

Perhaps something similar is more suitable for you.

[Ninjainpajamas]

From someone who has a cheater in the past, he's no where near done with his "raging hormones", that lasts for a while and If I used that as an excuse I'd still be screwing around at 31...which I have dated multiple women at a time before.

 

He's blaming it on hormones, which is an excuse. Being true to someone in your relationship is about respect, If someone isn't capable of respecting someone else or the commitments that they make then that is the problem...not the raging hormones.

 

I would strongly advise you to avoid this guy, he's foolish enough luckily to have admitted it to you (although likely for his own ego or to appear a man of value that women want). He's far too young, and in fact at your age relationships are shakey at best, at least have relationships with people you can trust, that'll lesson the blows you are sure to face in the future.

 

There's a lot of growing up to do...hopefully you're wise enough to prevent your emotions from gaining the best of you, but if they do, I can't say that women twice your age still don't make the mistake.

 

From a guy who knows about this "cheating" thing first hand and had been a repeat offender, take it from me and walk away.

[dizy]

I am a 20 year old young woman and I had never and will never cheat on my bfs or husband. those who pretend that 17 years old or young people in general do that all the time are blatantly wrong. maybe they are just trying to justify their own behaviors. the fact is, if loyalty, love, commitment are not part of your values when you are 17, they wont miraculously become part of who you are when your are 20 (which is 3 years later). I am not saying that what he did when he was 17 determines who he will be in 30 years, but trust me, one does not change that much in 3 years.

 

I have friends who have similar stories as you do. divorced parents, affairs, seeing their love ones being heart broken, feeling helpless. you know what, why don't you pick a guy that has never cheated or had multiple relationships at the same time before? As for your friend saying that he will never do that again, honestly I havent hear lots of cheaters admitting what they did or will do in the future. Dont listen to him, listen to your heart.

[salparadise]

while past behavior in many cases is a great barometer for future behaviors, no one can say for certain if every single cheater will cheat again. They have only showed they have the capability to do so.

 

I believe there are a lot of people who do it once and never repeat. Objectively speaking, I believe everyone has the capability, capacity, even proclivity under ideal circumstances because of a number of biases hardwired into our DNA. And I'm talking about both men and women. I think what determines whether or not it will happen is some combination of one's value system (and degree of commitment to it), strength of the superego, self-esteem or need for external validation vs. capacity to internally validate, the state of the current relationship (and commitment to it), and the nature and timing of opportunity.

[carhill]

I am dating a 20 years old guy for a month now, and two weeks into the relationship, he told me that when he was 17, he dated 3 girls at the same time for about a month while travelling abroad.

That's called 'multi-dating' and is pretty normal these days for a segment of the dating population. 'Cheating' is an abrogation by deceit of the spoken and actual commitment a couple makes when choosing to be monogamous and exclusive either through spoken word or legal commitment, like marriage.

 

He has an apparently different and incompatible dating style from yourself. You missed. Next potential.

 

What should I do about this? Just see it as a childish mistake that anyone could've made at that age? Or see it as a warning that the worse is yet to come?

 

Solidify a dating and relationship style which is healthy for you and implement it. It's OK that others are different and/or incompatible.

 

Your description of what happened to your parents is a great explanation of what 'cheating' is. Single people dating around is not cheating.

 

Welcome to LS

Edited January 14, 2012 by carhill
Added more.

[Eve]

OP, personally I go with the idea that change can be measured as change usually comes about due to a form of decison making/life experience. Without evidence of a form of decision making/pivitol decison making experience, yes, I would say that there is a marked chance that a person who demonstrates a leaning towards having multiple partners will continue to do so.

 

Two things stand out in my mind. The person could just be a flirt and needs to have external validation that they are attractive. Or they could be opportunists who do not have any measure for their encounters.

 

Listen to what they say very carefully.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[oldshirt]

Lets define what cheating is before we get too involved in this. Cheating is when someone enters into a mutual exclusivity agreement with someone and then breaks that agreement by doing something on the side without the other person's knowledge or consent.

 

Going out on dates with a number of people over a period of time without an exclusivity agreement in place is not cheating.

 

A 17 year old going out on some dates with people is not cheating.

 

A 20 year old dating a number of people and not vowing exclusivity to any of them is not cheating.

 

A date is not a contract. 10 dates is not a contract. 100 or a 1000 dates is not a contract. Having sex is not a contract. A contract is when both people intentially agree to an established set of parameters and boundries. Untill that occurs in a relationship, it is free-marketplace.

 

 

Now to answer your question - of course not. People are not locked into a lifestyle of cheating just because they did it once.

 

What IS a good indicator of someone's potential to cheat though is simply how self-centered, selfish and entitled they appear to be. Are rules something that they think only apply to other people and not to them? Do they always have an excuse why it's OK for them to do something that is not ok for everyone else to do. Do they follow rules and guidelines only if it is in their best interest but rules mean nothing if it's suits them to break them? Are other people always to blame for their failings? Do they only follow rules when people are watching but rules go out the window if they aren't being watched?

 

If there is someone that the answer to those questions is yes then that person will likely be a cheater and will always be a cheater because that's just how they roll in general.