My boyfriend verbally abuses me

[parisfrance137]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now and it wasn't until a couple months into our relationship that he began verbally abusing me. My boyfriend used to smoke weed when I first met him and did so quite frequently before dating me. Personally, I didn't like it and I asked him to quit for me which he did. On the first New Years Eve we spent together, my boyfriend and I ended up having a fight which escalated VERY quickly. I can't remember what the fight was about but I do remember him yelling at me quite loudly and saying something about how pissed he was he couldn't smoke weed anymore. He said if he couldn't smoke weed again that he was breaking up with me and when I heard that I immediately began wailing, begging him not to leave me. He eventually broke up with me four months later and he did so after I left his house one day after having sex the night before. As you can imagine, he did come crawling back to me and I gave him a second chance thinking he had changed. Since we've been living together (which has been the past 3 months now) he has treated me horrendously. Tonight for instance, we were joking around on the couch saying funny things about each other when he says, "I'll pour gasoline over you" and then he stopped. I immediately looked at him and said, "You know, that really hurt!" I was so pissed off I just ignored him completely. Of course being him, he tries to brush it off saying he didn't mean it and he's sorry. Well I wasn't going to take it so I continued to ignore him while not even looking at him. Not even two hours later, he's on the computer watching a video when I go to say something to him. He looks at me and says, "I'M TRYING TO WATCH THIS.." and I said, "You know what, forget it" and I got up and left the room. I ended up getting up and going to bed and not 10 minutes later he follows me to bed and doesn't say one word to me. We end up fighting and he says his reason for acting the way he was is because he's mad..but not mad at me. My boyfriend's been really stressed with work lately but he constantly puts his stress on me and gets mad SO easily. He literally shakes some times when he gets mad or yells in my face which scares me so much. Once when I was at his house, we got into a fight so bad he was yelling in my face and I cried so hard I was having a panic attack. What kills me is that he always seems to feel bad for what he does but yet he NEVER changes like he says he will. He's seeing a counselor right now for anger problems but I don't feel like it works. Every time he gets mad, I feel like he blames me and acts like I've done something wrong even though I'm the one being hurt. If our fights escalate really badly like they usually do, sometimes he'll even hit himself in the face or if he's driving, he'll hit his car or steering wheel. When that happens, I don't know what to do but watch him as I get really scared and my anxiety goes off.

 

I really don't know what to do anymore because my boyfriend always uses the line, "Well leave then" or "Go be with someone who can make you happy". I keep telling him if he keeps saying those things I will leave him but he never seems to understand that. The worst part is I just lost my job two weeks ago and I may have my gallbladder taken out but my boyfriend shows NO remorse for the depression I am feeling. He just keeps adding onto my already stressed out life by yelling at me, swearing at me like saying "**** you too", or making me feel even more depressed. He always buys me nice things or takes me out but then he turns it around and says, "Well I always pay for everything" which makes me feel like cooking EVERY night, cleaning up our apartment, or doing little things for him doesn't matter.

Edited December 9, 2011 by parisfrance137

[Downtown]

Paris, welcome to the LS forum. The behaviors you describe -- lack of empathy, self harm (e.g., hitting himself in the face), temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, blaming you for every misfortune, bullying, verbal abuse, and controlling behavior -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The full list of such traits is available (for DSM-IV) at http://www.palace.net/llama/psych/bpd.html#dsmiv. Whether those traits are sufficiently severe and persistent to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD is a determination that only a professional can make.

 

That does not imply, however, that you cannot spot a strong occurrence of such traits when they occur. Before you left high school, for example, you could already spot strong occurrences of grandiosity and selfishness without having a clue as to how to diagnose narcissism. Likewise, you could spot extremely shy and overly sensitive guys without being able to diagnose Avoidant PD. Similarly, there is nothing subtle or nuanced about BPD traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and refusal to accept responsibility for one's own actions.

 

Another reason the traits are easy to spot is that we all know what they feel like on the inside and look like from the outside -- because we all occasionally exhibit all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if we are emotionally healthy. Such traits become a problem only when they are so strong as to undermine a person's ability to sustain close LTRs.

 

If you would like to read a description of typical BPDer behavior, I suggest you take a look at my posts in Rebel's thread. They start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3398735#post3398735. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to try to answer questions or point you to good online resources written by professionals. I am not a psychologist but, rather, just a man who lived with my BPDer exW for 15 years. Take care, Paris.

[sugarmomma]

People only treat us the way we allow them to. He is probably not going to stop this behavior unless you stand up for yourself.

[Eddie Edirol]

People only treat us the way we allow them to. He is probably not going to stop this behavior unless you stand up for yourself.

 

He doesnt have to stop this behavior Paris, because you wont leave, and he knows you wont. Prove him wrong and leave now.

[Steelrain21]

I agree, simple truth of the universe is that people will treat you as poorly as you allow them to. Remember when you broke up and he came crawling back? Talk is cheap, people can say whatever they want to. It's actions that show how people really feel. Right now you're believing his talk. He says he's sorry but it keeps happening. And it will continue to do so as long as he knows there will be no consequences.

 

People have different ways to relieve stress in their life. My friend will sit and read a book when he is stressed. I couldn't ever sit and be still when I'm stressed, so I exercise and find that works great for me. Different people have different techniques that work for them. Smoking weed might have been your boyfriend's way of relieving stress. Not a healthy one, but it's what he did. He may need to explore other strategies now that smoking is not an option. I would encourage and help him find something that helps relieve his stress from time to time.

 

I also get from your story that you seem like you have a very passive way of handling things. When you're upset you ignore him instead of talking about the situation. When he yells, you shut down and allow it to happen. He knows this and in an immature way it makes him feel like he has power. I always believed that physical abuse doesn't follow too terribly from verbal abuse. If he can't control himself when angry, then what would be stopping him from taking that next step and getting physical someday down the road?

 

This will continue until something changes in YOU. I think you need to make the decision that either this situation with him changes, or else you'll find another guy who is better for you. Either way, you're not putting up with this.