A laughing matter?

[Cassie]

My boyfriend and I had a long distance relationship. We were very much in love (or so I thought) with each other. He even asked me to marry him. Then I found out he was living in a house he owned with an exgirlfriend. That's when things starting falling apart for us. The house was up for sale, and he said that would end all ties with her. But what really hurt is the way I found out about her. He didn't tell me. So when I confronted him with all of it, and the way I found out, he blew sky high and got mad at me!! He even broke up with me, and told he she hadn't been living there for quite a while, and that she had to move back in because she couldn't pay her bills - and that he had to pay all of them.

 

Then I found out that she had never been out of that house, and that he wasn't even on the mortgage, and she paid the electric and utility bills, and always had. He finally came clean about things, but not after much hurt and damage to the relationship.

 

We continued our relationship, and I got fed up with beating my head against a "brick wall" with him about us. So, I broke it off. He then came back and acted like it didn't even bother him. In fact, I found out that he went on a matchmaker sight that very same day. But, I hurt and missed him so bad, that I wanted to try and work our problems out. He came back and said that we could only be friends. I told him I couldn't just be friends with him, but was willing to give it a try. It didn't work for me.

 

One of the problems in the relationship was the distance between us, so I moved closer to him. And he even helped and encouraged the move. Then when I got settled, he came around a couple of times, then was no where to be found, wouldn't call when he said he would, or answer my emails. Then one night he wrote and said we had agreed to just be friends, and that he didn't feel that way toward me anymore.

 

I packed up and moved back to my hometown, and then he kept in touch with me. I asked him to spend my birthday with me, and he said he'd try. But, then emailed me that he had to work, and couldn't make it. He went into a long explanation about not having time until he got moved. The house didn't sell, so it goes up for auction the end of this month. But said once he got moved and settled, we'd get together and have fun. WEll, I found out he didn't have to work that weekend like he said, and that he joined a matchmaker sight that very day - my birthday!! By this time I was fed up with his excuses anyway. But what really made me mad was that he used a pet name I had given him on the matchmaker sight.

 

I confronted him with this, and told him I didn't care if he wanted to find someone new, but that it hurt me that he used the pet name I had given him, and that he joined the very day of my birthday. He wrote back that it could have been any number of men using that, and that although it sounded like him, I should have asked him. I didn't have to ask him if it was him or not. How many men living in his small town would have the same vital statistics, the same birthdate, answer the questions the same way he did, and even use and spell my pet name the same way.

 

He went ballistic!! He told me I was trying to control him, and that we were nothing more than friends, and that he didn't want to have anything more to do with me. And that he would never love me the way he used to, and for me to find someone else. Up to this point, he had been rather nonchalant, showing no emotion whatsoever. I think his letter was meant to really hurt me, but he ended it by telling me what a good woman I am, and how any man would be lucky to have me in his life. This after blowing up.

 

Instead of being hurt about what he wrote, I laughed and laughed, and I don't know why. He also told me to never write him or call him because he wouldn't answer. My questions are these, why couldn't he just admit it was him on the matchmaker, and why in the world would he use the pet name I gave him? It was a name so special between the 2 of us, and I told him that, and also that it wouldn't have any meaning to another woman. Am I crazy for laughing at his letter instead of being hurt, which is what Ithink he wanted me to be? By the way, it just got harder and harder to believe anything he said,and I told him that too.

 

Any and all opinions would be appreciated. Sorry this is so long, but I had to lay the groundwork for my questions.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: My questions are these, why couldn't he just admit it was him on the matchmaker, and why in the world would he use the pet name I gave him?

 

The guy is an idiot, a dork. He lied from the very beginning of your relationship. He is also lazy. Why should he use his imagination when he could just use the pet name you gave him??? He may be a rotten liar but he's not going to go out of his way to use his brain!!! People who are liars like he is are living with the ego state of a child and children often do not tell the truth even when confronted with hard evidence. He needs psychological help for this pathology.

 

YOUR NEXT QUESTION: It was a name so special between the 2 of us, and I told him that, and also that it wouldn't have any meaning to another woman. Am I crazy for laughing at his letter instead of being hurt, which is what Ithink he wanted me to be?

 

You THOUGHT it was so special between the two of you. You should be laughing and laughing and laughing. I know I am. The guy is certainly not worth crying about. I am happy you see the humor in this because his lying and deception is so absurd, it is really difficult to get angry about. I mean it is hillarious. A Hollywood writer couldn't come up with a plot this absurd.

 

I am concerned, however, about why you would want to continue for so long with a guy who had lied and deceived you as much as he. I certainly hope you have learned your lesson. This guy is an extreme example but relationships that start out with lies or the concealment of pertinent facts are not built on the foundation of truth necessary for a lasting bond.

 

I am glad you are not feeling hurt by this. Most likely there is a delayed reaction here. Or perhaps you will skip directly to the anger phase of grief and get over him sooner. Even when we are lied to so incredibly, if we loved someone there has to be some grief and healing. I do hope you get over him soon. He is not worth your time thinking about. I am just happy you finally caught on to his fraud.

[Jenna]

Sometimes we laugh because we have no idea what else to do! People do it when they are happy-sad- scared- confused-embarrassed- sometimes its almost like a "default reflex."

 

You probably were feeling a number of these emotions- and laughed out of complete and utter frustration.

 

I hope that you can view this situation from a better perspective now- because it is obviously a very dysfunctional relationship.

 

Move on- keeping laughing until you are doing it because you truly think the deal is funny. Laugh at yourself-learn from the mistake- and be a wiser person in the future. Building a relationship on a foundation of lies is like building a house on quick sand- it just doesn't work- and you slowly sink until you are completely buried.

 

Thank God you came to your senses (although late) and got out. Now your most important task is not going back down that road again- with him or anyone else.

 

Good Luck- Jenna

YOU ASK: My questions are these, why couldn't he just admit it was him on the matchmaker, and why in the world would he use the pet name I gave him? The guy is an idiot, a dork. He lied from the very beginning of your relationship. He is also lazy. Why should he use his imagination when he could just use the pet name you gave him??? He may be a rotten liar but he's not going to go out of his way to use his brain!!! People who are liars like he is are living with the ego state of a child and children often do not tell the truth even when confronted with hard evidence. He needs psychological help for this pathology.

 

YOUR NEXT QUESTION: It was a name so special between the 2 of us, and I told him that, and also that it wouldn't have any meaning to another woman. Am I crazy for laughing at his letter instead of being hurt, which is what Ithink he wanted me to be? You THOUGHT it was so special between the two of you. You should be laughing and laughing and laughing. I know I am. The guy is certainly not worth crying about. I am happy you see the humor in this because his lying and deception is so absurd, it is really difficult to get angry about. I mean it is hillarious. A Hollywood writer couldn't come up with a plot this absurd. I am concerned, however, about why you would want to continue for so long with a guy who had lied and deceived you as much as he. I certainly hope you have learned your lesson. This guy is an extreme example but relationships that start out with lies or the concealment of pertinent facts are not built on the foundation of truth necessary for a lasting bond. I am glad you are not feeling hurt by this. Most likely there is a delayed reaction here. Or perhaps you will skip directly to the anger phase of grief and get over him sooner. Even when we are lied to so incredibly, if we loved someone there has to be some grief and healing. I do hope you get over him soon. He is not worth your time thinking about. I am just happy you finally caught on to his fraud.