My roommate, my problem.

[OOReeee]

My dear Loveshackers,

 

This is the third year I am back with you, and while in the first two the questions were about dealing with terrible break-ups, this time it is a little different, but since it is me, it is problematic nonetheless.

I am in my mid 20s, a friendly and happy guy who always dated the worst women. I'm talking mentally ill at some points here.

Over a year ago I moved to New York, and last spring I moved in with two lovely ladies, one I went to college with back in the west coast, and the other lived in the same intern housing as I did a few years before when we were interning in NY. We kept in very loose contact, but both were looking for roommates at the same time, and moved in together.

We clicked from day one. We share the same interests, make each other laugh, do everything together, we became the closest to each other. And while I always thought it'd be nice to be with her, I was dating other girls, as she was coping with the end of a 5-year relationship only a few months before we moved in together.

A few things that happened over the last few weeks made me get to the disturbing realization that I like her. A lot. I never met anyone like her and I feel like being with someone like that is an opportunity not worth passing on.

During our first months together, there was sexual tension between us, we would get drunk and dirty dance, but we learned to channel it. But since she would always break the "touch barrier" and we basically talk all day, every day.

Yes, I know, it's weird, unhealthy and mostly bad. Dating a roommate. But I can't help it, I don't know what to do, I will need to tell her sooner or later because I can't hold it in, but I am afraid of all the irrationality that involve this action.

I was never in this situation or with a person like that. Ever. I am afraid, however, that she is still hurting the breakup, so I remain hesitant, but I do feel like I have to get it out orelse I will explode.

What should I do? How should I do it??

Help!!!

[Sw3etdev1L]

First of all, you won't explode if you don''t tell her.

Second, don't act as a victim by saying you were the sane person in relationships with insane people because you were responsible of being there, god didn't force you to be there, those were your insane choices to be with insane people.

Third.. if you are really selfish you will tell her when you are looking at her in plain mourning, and cowardly approach her in one of her weak points.

¿why not approach her when she is allready over the mourning?.. this is not about you.

If you like her you would want a relationship with her, committment, treating her nicely and giving her, her place...

¿why not tell her when you see she is ready? and give yourself the chance to start with the right foot,

don't give yourself the chance of being the second best.

[NoMagicBullet]

You don't say which of the two girls you are dirty dancing with, but it's doesn't change my two cents: she's on the rebound, and you need another place to live. She needs time and space to heal, and you need to protect yourself from becoming her emotional bandage when you really want to be her boyfriend. You have spatial intimacy and some sort of friendship, but that doesn't mean true emotional intimacy is present or will follow. Also, neither of you currently has the option to remove yourself from the presence of the other if things go bad.

 

It may not be easy to do in New York, but find another place to live first. For a while, spend most of your time apart from her. I know this goes against every fiber of your being right now, but you need to get out of the situation and get some perspective. For all you know, your feelings could change after being apart from her for a while. You may start seeing flaws in her you didn't see before. After you're out and you've both had some time and space apart, then that would be the time to tell her that you're attracted to her and would like to date her. That's all -- no declarations of love or over the top stuff like that -- let her know you'd like to see her and see where things go. For this to be real, you both need to choose to be with the other, and your current living situation doesn't allow either of you a real choice.