What the heck do I do...feel over my head....

[gozone77]

Hello everyone. I'm in a situation right now with my wife that's leaving me very torn and clueless inside. I just don't know what's the "right" thing to do..especially as the "man" of the relationship.

 

I've been seeing a counselor on my own for about a year now. He seems to think I need to stand up for myself or and be better to myself. My wife tends to think I'm arrogant and all too opinionated about things I know nothing about. Here's the specific issue:

 

She got tired of living in the apartment we’re in (small for what we have, not maintained well by landlord) and of waiting for her mother to move here and buy a house for all of us, so she started looking for new apartments. We can't really afford to buy in the area we're in without saving in earnest for several years. It turned out the larger apartment in front of our building is open, and the landlord said he’d give it to us for about $400 more a month than what we pay now. It’s nice and spacious inside. She even said she’d take the time off from work and do the 50 feet of moving herself.

 

We can swing the $400 more a month, so here's where the "Am I a jerk or trying to stand up for myself" question comes in. I just didn’t want to think about it. She was pushing hard for it, and I basically gave a nonresponse to her question of what I thought about the apartment. She took that as a negative response (which it is in a way). She's extremely upset that I never, ever support her in anything she wants. I do plenty around the house and for her son, and I make a good salary, and I try to make sure she has time to relax on Facebook when she's had a tough day. Note that affection and romance don't work with her. To be fair to her, I'm probably overly practical in that I'd never just say "yes, let's get the apartment!". I'm an engineer and so weigh all the factors. It doesn't help that I carry a lot of resentment over her temper and some of the things she says and does. I've gotten really tired of just swallowing my pride hoping that I can earn her respect or that it'll get better.

 

To give you an idea of the temper and other issues I'm talking about, here are some of the things that've happened since I didn't give a positive response to us getting the new apartment:

- She's told her friend she thinks I have insanity issues or alzheimers because she can tell me to do something, and then I forget it 30 seconds later

- She's put most of her extensive clothing and shoe collections ($100s or $1000s worth) in trash bags to be thrown away since she hates the mess of them lying around and we live in too small of an apartment, one that "we'll be living in for a while now so that Justin (me) can have more of the stuff he wants

- She's said that if I like a life of misery she will give me one

- After a heated conversation last night (started with her telling me to put BOTH bags of meat on the grill...I only did one), she stormed out of the apartment like she was taking off for a little bit....5 minutes later, she came back and mocked me for not caring enough to follow her and tell her not to go (like a "real man" would)

- She's said it's all about me and that she tries hard to give me the stuff I want (time at gym, new car that she suggested I get, time to myself when I have been stressed out) but that I can never give her what she wants (as in new apartment)

- She's said she's going to sell the bikes her mother just bought us "since we don't have room"

 

I tried to convey my feeling of resentment and fear over her temper as reasons why I didn't just say "yes, let's do it!", but every time I try to explain, it comes out in the form of "well, when you did this" or "how can I do that when you just did this....". That gets her more upset because she hates hearing "what about you?" That leads me to feel I really don't know to stand up for myself or share my feelings. I sometimes feel I'm just supposed to agree with her and not have bad feelings about situations (isn't that what men joke about doing anyway?).

 

I know I don't exactly do the best job at communicating and sharing my feelings (huge introvert and not much social/relationship experience). Hence the resentment over her temper and her "tantrums" every time she's upset. It just seems like I never have the right answer for big situations/issues. I'm not the best arguer, either. I can't think on my feet, and when things start to get heated, I just start saying things that don't make sense or flow logically, and that makes her more pissed of because there's more holes or inconsistencies.

 

As I see it, I can either just let her get the new apartment for us, I can wait it out through the misery she's going through right now (she is PISSED), I can see if she files for divorce while I'm gone to see my folks next week (she has talked about it), I can apologize profusely for not being more supportive, or I can tell her I really have to say enough is enough with her temper and that I can't see going any further if she doesn't promise to work on it.

 

I really need some advice...thanks for anything....

Edited December 9, 2011 by gozone77

[TigerCub]

Hi,

 

I read all you had to say, and honestly I don't think its about the apartment.

 

Seems like you don't do things she asks for PERIOD - not sure if its true that she'll ask you to do something and you "forget", but if you're not even listening to her - I can see her frustration.

 

Also, not sure about the 2 meat bags incident - I don't know the specifics here, but why did you not just put the 2 on like she requested?

I know it sounds like a silly question and shouldn't be an issue, but if you just ignore what she asks for, at least tell her why you're not doing what she's asking for - maybe you see something she doesn't, maybe you're thinking something she's not.

 

But if you don't explain anything and you just ignore her requests, then it looks like you're just being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn.

 

So honestly, just from reading this, I'm not so sure its about an apartment - its mostly about how you listen/or rather NOT listen to anything she says or asks for - that could be very frustrating.

 

ON THE OTHER HAND...

she's very immature and passive aggressive and childish in how she's handling things.

 

The running out and wanting you to chase after her, the tantrums, the bull**** act about throwing everything out - that's all counterproductive bull that anyone can do without.

 

You both need to communicate better, and YOU need to actually explain to her why you do things sometimes, instead of making it look like straight up stubbornness and complete disregard to what she wants at all.

[in_absentia]

She's mocking you to your face and to her friends, insulting your mental health, talking about DIVORCE over an argument about a flat and acting like a spoilt little girl storming off and then getting mad you didn't follow, putting all her clothes in bags when she knows she's never gonna throw them etc. Maybe you are a pushover sometimes, it's impossible to say based on a post, maybe she's sick of it and wants someone who can fight back a bit more.

 

But even if that's the case she sounds like a horrible person who doesn't love you at all anymore and who you'd be stupid to take this treatment from. Unless you can hash out your problems with a marital counsellor (who can make sure you both get equal talking time, stop her from dominating/manipulating you) then maybe you need to cut yourself off and start afresh. She doesn't sound like someone you'd want to be around, nasty and selfish.

[gozone77]

Hi,

 

Also, not sure about the 2 meat bags incident - I don't know the specifics here, but why did you not just put the 2 on like she requested?

I know it sounds like a silly question and shouldn't be an issue, but if you just ignore what she asks for, at least tell her why you're not doing what she's asking for - maybe you see something she doesn't, maybe you're thinking something she's not.

 

But if you don't explain anything and you just ignore her requests, then it looks like you're just being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn.

 

So honestly, just from reading this, I'm not so sure its about an apartment - its mostly about how you listen/or rather NOT listen to anything she says or asks for - that could be very frustrating.

 

There were two bags of meat marinating in the fridge. She had a doctor's appointment, so I went to start dinner. I was just starting the grill when she came home, so first I asked her which bag she'd rather me use. That got her upset - that I had to ask rather than just doing (since she runs the food, I thought I should ask). I decided to put both out. I put the first one on the grill, but when I came back in for the second, she was putting more meat into it. I'd swear she told me not to put the second one out at that point, but she says she said I should. I'm not ignoring her; I just often have these sort of incidents where I must not hear properly.

[TigerCub]

There were two bags of meat marinating in the fridge. She had a doctor's appointment, so I went to start dinner. I was just starting the grill when she came home, so first I asked her which bag she'd rather me use. That got her upset - that I had to ask rather than just doing (since she runs the food, I thought I should ask). I decided to put both out. I put the first one on the grill, but when I came back in for the second, she was putting more meat into it. I'd swear she told me not to put the second one out at that point, but she says she said I should. I'm not ignoring her; I just often have these sort of incidents where I must not hear properly.

 

Ok, well thanks for explaining.

These things really shouldn't be a big deal, but they seem to add up with you guys.

 

I'm not sure if you really just don't hear her, or if she's just incredibly demanding and bitchy - but either way, you guys really need to find a way to better communicate. Maybe marriage counseling should be looked into.

 

In a relationship, I think both people should be valued, have their opinions acknowledged and both MUST respect one another.

 

Seems like she's lacking in the respect, but you're also lacking in the acknowledgement (if by accident or on purpose)

 

Try couple's therapy and address ALL of those issues.