My coping journal- C'est la vie

[SelfCentered]

I'm starting one of these because I think it's great to vent about how well you think you've done in a day, or alternatively lament on how bad it was.

 

Family and friends are great to talk to, but they can't listen to the same **** everyday.

 

And I outright refuse to turn into one of those people that get all personal in their FB status.

 

--------------

 

So today I had off work. Why? Because Sunday is my birthday, and originally I wanted a four day weekend to spend with you. I don't know what we would have done, and the idea that I would have been making all the effort when I should have been the one getting spoilt is ridiculous really.

 

Still, I had today off, and woke up around 10am feeling so so down. That might have been because I had a few last night, which always seem to make the morning after low. Also, I couldn't shake the idea that this was originally going to be the start of four days of us.

 

After much effort, I motivated myself to do something with my precious time off. I decided to go to the gym, since I hadn't gone for about 3 weeks thanks to the breakup.

 

Now, I keep playing this game in my head where each time I go somewhere as a single person I tick it off. Today was the first day back at the gym as a single person.

 

I didn't even eat breakfast/lunch, which was never going to end well.

 

I was surprised that I parked so easily, given that the gym is in that shopping estate. Xmas shopping seemed minimal.

 

Feeling totally unmotivated I sat down at the first machine and chose an easy weight. I really didn't want to be there, and wanted to be out with minimal effort.

 

Probably noting how miserable and unhealthy I looked, a trainer came over and asked me if I wanted to try 1 hour free training. These guys are like salesmen, always in your face trying to get you sign up to the £30 an hour sessions. Usually I would shake them off. However, one thing I said on the day of the breakup to my dad was that I was going to start taking the gym more seriously and going 3-4 times a week again. It kind of felt like fate, and I decided "**** it" and agreed to the session.

 

This guy pushed me to the limits like I never have been pushed before. I thought I was going to die. But hell, it took my mind off you.

 

It was actually really positive and a great step to self improvement. I want myself to be bulked up for around Easter cus I know you'll be around then. I want you to see me and not be jealous, not want me back, but just think "damn, he's made some improvements. He got over me".

 

I'm seeing him again on Monday and we're going to have regular sessions. I'm also going to eat right and really start to try and bulk up.

 

But because I hadn't eaten all day, this intense session really hit me hard and I thought I was going to fate. I'm glad we finished when we did!

 

After, I drove to one of the cemeteries that my relatives are buried. Hadn't been there for years, but went there a lot as a kid after my nan died. It was nice seeing her and my granddad's stone. I also wandered over to the site of the WWII victims. This really made me tear up. I guess because I'm so sensitive at the moment, but seeing the ages of some of these young lads that died for their country and for a greater ideal made me think I really should thank my stars. Some of them were younger than me.

 

That RAF man, 22, who died in 1943. How would he have reacted if he saw me, 23, getting all depressed over a girl that I dated for 6 months because she dumped me?

 

So I cried. The cemetery was empty, so no one saw me. I cried tears of sadness, of exasperation, of laughter, of pity.

 

Then the rain came. I ran back to the car, still crying, and got in.

 

As I pulled away the rain suddenly stopped and a beautiful rainbow appeared. This sounds so cheesy, but at the time it just felt like someone or something was letting me know that...rewards are for those who fight through the dark ****.

 

I'm not a religious man, but it put me in a good mood.

 

I went home and found out that my cousin's eldest is hating school. He is getting bullied because of his intelligence. I am going to talk to him because he's so sensitive and I went through the same thing. People have been good to me in getting over you, so I'm giving something back to him.

 

Now I'm sitting here, debating whether to go into town for a few drinks. I still need to find something to do for my bday on Sunday. But I'm not going to wallow. Last year I saw Vatican city and Rome's majesty. I can't top that, but I have standards and I'm NOT going to let YOU bring me down.

[Popehappycat]

Well written, I enjoyed the read. Some nice perspective, too.

[SelfCentered]

Well, what a day yesterday was.

 

The only thing that made me wakeup before midday was that I had to sort out my Fantasy Football team before 11.30am!

 

I got myself together around 2-3 and went over to your brother's, cus he's still my closest friend here. We were going to talk about doing something for my birthday this weekend.

 

Eventually, we did what we always do and started drinking casually whilst playing Xbox. A buddy came over. It was...nice. A nice chilled out out day. We got some fast food in, then started watching comedy until around 9 when we hit a few bars, played some pool.

 

It's funny how I can have such a nice day over his when a thin wall separates his room from yours, not like you're ever at home with your biological mother though. To be honest, we only ever spent half a night together in that room too so it held no sentimental value.

 

It was a great night. Just me, few friends, birthday drinks. I was so hyped up about having a grand birthday. Coincident has meant the last two were. But as I walked home alone at 4am I realised just being around good friends and being relaxed is just as good.

 

Oh, btw. Your mum walked out of her job.

 

Guess you won't be getting £100 here and there at uni to help you out?

 

Your bro was quite vocal about this. He hates how you can be "desperate for money" and being out clubbing every night.

 

I hated how you were "snowed under in essays" and went out clubbing at night.

 

He says you're still asking your mum to help you write them too!

 

MY GOD! I hate that you do that! I was so besotted with you, so totally engorged with everything you did. I put you on a pedastal, I would have walked through fire for you. I nearly sacrificed my great friendship with your brother for you.

 

But MY GOD. These annoying things you did. You say you wanted to grow but you're still doing them. Least I don't have carry you any more.

 

I got my own **** to deal with haven't I!

 

I wonder what marks you got for those essays I wrote. I never had any help with my work at uni, I did the hard work to make sure I did well. I really hope you wake up to how irresponsible you're behaving.

 

Also, what you gonna do for cash if your mum goes back on the dole?

 

Interesting.

 

 

Also, your brother found out his ex- who kissed him the other week- has been seeing this friend of ours for weeks. He doesn't know where he stands.

 

So I sat down with him and told him what I tell LS members and what they have been recently telling me- that he needs to go NC, that he needs to be happy being single. That I wasn't in love with you as much as I think I was just in love with the relationship. We had a real heart-to-heart. I'm so glad my relationship with you didn't ruin my bond with him.

 

Now we're better buddies. I text him when I got in saying thanks for a great day and that I'm here for him. He text me back saying thanks and that he almost cried when he read the text. I guess we were drunk and emotional but because we're both going through similar things we really related last night!

 

 

 

So today is my birthday. I'm a little down you haven't emailed or text me happy birthday. Suppose that's for the best. God knows your social life revolves around FB, so without me on there how would you know what day it is!

 

But, my friends and family have been there saying happy birthday and reminding me how I lucky I am.

 

Listen. This isn't easy for me. It hasn't been from the start. I know it isn't easy for you, whether you show it or not. But this is where I turn things around.

 

I still don't hate you. At all. I'm starting to get annoyed by ways you act, which is healthy because I need to stop idealising you.

 

But I can't hate you.

 

I just miss you. Today should have been a day for us to celebrate together. I should have been waking up with you, not alone and hungover at 2pm.

 

But I have. And I just gotta deal with it.

 

She's out there, you know. Someone who I really will connect with. But I have to be happy with being me before I can move on. Else this vicious cycle just repeats itself.

 

I'm a good guy. I'm very funny, I'm intelligent, I'm good with money, I'm loyal, I empathise with those around me. I deserve someone special, and one day I will find her. You'll probably have moved on then too, and that's okay.

 

Happy birthday to me.

Edited December 11, 2011 by SelfCentered

[sunflower11]

Happy Birthday SelfCentered!

 

I think I went through something similar where, despite how he treated me, I wasn't even mad at him or anything. All my friends would tell me " I hope you are angry now after he did that! " But all I felt was overwhelming sadness. Slowly I think I started getting more and more angry...I do feel like I hate him now, hate him for what he did, hate him for being happy and putting me aside like a piece of trash, and hate him for all the silly love words he ever said to me that he obviously didn't mean. I'm not saying hating your ex is a good thing..but I think it is so much easier to get over them once you start to see how badly they treated you and you get suuuuper angry. I'm sure in time I will forgive him because I don't want to feel this much hate towards someone forever but yea for now, it keeps me going, and it helps me stick to NC

[Thieves]

I still don't hate you. At all. I'm starting to get annoyed by ways you act, which is healthy because I need to stop idealising you.

 

But I can't hate you.

 

I'm still unsure whether it's actually a good idea for people to 'hate' their ex or not. Though, honestly, I'm leaning towards the answer 'no'. I know when my ex basically broke things off with me, I didn't hate him, but I just... was really annoyed and irritated with him. I felt bitter towards him, and had a tendency to blame a lot of things on him ("Why would he try to keep me around like this?" "Can't he see how much he's hurting me?" "Why does he not give a ****?")... rather than learning from it and admitting that I'd made a lot of mistakes as well.

 

The way I see it is the ex was already given the power to break your heart in the first place, and alas, when they did, it already caused you so much pain. So I think in a way, that absolutely 'hating' the ex is just giving them too much power and drains all of this energy out of you that could be better spent improving yourself. It's finding a way, or ways, to turn that negative energy centered on them back into positive energy, which can be the hard part since all we tend to focus on at first is what went wrong.

 

Oh, and Happy Birthday! Enjoy the day for what it is, SC, ex or no ex.

[SelfCentered]

Popehappycat, sunflower11 and Thieves thank you for your input and the birthday wishes!

 

I'm still unsure whether it's actually a good idea for people to 'hate' their ex or not. Though, honestly, I'm leaning towards the answer 'no'. I know when my ex basically broke things off with me, I didn't hate him, but I just... was really annoyed and irritated with him

 

The way I see it is the ex was already given the power to break your heart in the first place, and alas, when they did, it already caused you so much pain. So I think in a way, that absolutely 'hating' the ex is just giving them too much power and drains all of this energy out of you that could be better spent improving yourself. It's finding a way, or ways, to turn that negative energy centered on them back into positive energy, which can be the hard part since all we tend to focus on at first is what went wrong.

.

 

I think you're right. You worded it better than I could too!

 

"Hating" is such a strong word and I want to reserve that for people who really wrong me. I don't want to hate her or become bitter either. I did with my last ex and I can't say it helped me in the long run.

 

I want to end up as the guy who can say "It was fun whilst it lasted. Should have known it wouldn't last, nothing good ever does, but that's all right- I'm better off for it. I wish her the best".

 

There are still going to be times where I think of something or hear something that makes my blood boil. As long as I accept that they're inevitable and deal with them in some sort of constructive way when they happen I'll be okay.

 

I just wouldn't want that negativity to shape me as person, because I'm too good for that.

[SelfCentered]

So, spent with my birthday with your bro just chilling out. Had a good evening.

 

Although, I must confess, there was one moment where he left his laptop on with FB in front of me. Before I knew it, I was on your profile. You look so different. Your hair is too dark, too much lipstick. I don't know if you're trying to be someone you're not or what's going on there. Either way, you usually look so beautiful in your photos and natural. This seemed so forced....and quite sad. You really are changing. You're not the same girl that took my breath away back in April.

 

What I thought was beautiful,

Don't live inside of you any more

 

I shouldn't have even clicked on your name. It was a weak a moment.

 

Fact is, although I am moving on and getting there, I'm still going to have these weak moments.

 

I can take solace in the fact that my birthday passed without any huge drama that I was anticipating. Now if Xmas, NYE and the date of your birthday can do the same, we can write December off as a near-success.

 

Holy ****...next Sunday will be a month since the breakup. How about that.

 

This is a bad morning for me. I feel very down. Past few days I've managed to escape all that but I knew it wouldn't last.

 

I guess a part of me doesn't want you to move on and be happy until I can.

 

I have no idea if you are happy or not. Fact is, FB is just that- a face. I don't know how you've been coping or whether you've missed me like I miss you. I suppose because I'm quite open with my emotions- family, friends, they all know what's been going on- it's easy for the word to "get around" when I'm doing good or bad.

 

But you of course have such a turbulent family life and you keep things bottled up- none of them are going to know what's going on in that head of yours.

 

I remember seeing you crying in the door way after we ended it. Fact is, I know you better than most, especially those new friends of yours. Whether you've shown it or not, I know you've been hurting.

 

Anyway, I got today off work as this was supposed to be the last day we had together for my birthday weekend. In that life, I'd be coming home now on the train getting depressed about not seeing you for a few days so I guess this day was never going to be good one!

 

I'm hitting the gym with my trainer at 4pm. He'll take my mind off you...because all I'll be thinking is "holy ****, this bit is hard, my arms are going to fall off".

 

Then back to work tomorrow.

 

I got Friday off too. I'm seeing the doctor for a catch up. Hoping she can refer me to a relationship therapist because I'm sure I fall under this relationship addiction thing.

 

Was I in love with you, or just in love with being in a relationship?

 

The answer scares me.

[SelfCentered]

Still counting the days I've been without you,

1,2,3,4

Still counting the days that you've been gone...

 

As the song goes.

 

It's true though. Each day I think about you and what you might be doing.

 

Saw in a thread today that someone got dumped by a grl he was involved in a LD with because she said she didn't have time because of her education and now she's seeing someone else. I keep suspecting this of you. I did ask you on the day and you just laughed and said you wouldn't be seeing anyone for a while.

 

But when I asked you, you touched your hair and they say that it's a sign of lying but AM I JUST READING TOO MUCH INTO ALL OF THIS?

 

Does it even matter?

 

I've really got no valid reason to think this.

 

I guess it's just my anxiety kicking in. This has been a bad day anyway. I gotta try and pick myself up from off the floor before it gets any worse. Still got 7.5 hours of work left.

 

Yesterday was fine. I met up with my personal trainer again. I won't say it took my mind off you completely because every time I felt myself slipping I thought about what a wreck I've been recently and used that to push myself on.

 

But I suppose it was good that I was turning a negative into a positive.

 

Didn't really do anything to speak of yesterday. When I got home after the gym I was sarcastic and dry to people. Pretty much like my old self! Made me feel good.

 

Amazing. Went to bed with so much positivity and then I wake like this. Wtf is that all about?

 

A part of me is tempted to throw myself into some sort of fling or one night stand. Just hit a few clubs this weekend and see what happens. It'd would be stupid I guess but I'm just craving some sort of intimacy.

 

I'm becoming so sick of my surroundings. Seeing all these people ask "hey how're you?" when you walk in- no one gives a ****! It's just stupid colloquial greeting. Why do we do it...Wouldn't "hello" just suffice?

 

Hearing all these conversations in my office about the little things people are worried about. Xmas shopping, xmas parties...God I couldn't give a rats arse!

 

Bad mood. Bad mood today.

[SelfCentered]

So I guess yesterday was what they call a "down" day.

 

I actually got a lot better as the day progressed. My mood improved and improved with each passing hour, and by the end of the day I was driving home singing quite cheerfully to my music.

 

Then the second I entered my room at home I collapsed into depression again!

 

But it didn't last long. I just got on with things. I was still aching from the gym on Monday so decided to run myself a nice hot bath. Now I hadn't taken a bath at home for around 6 years because it's too small for my 6"3 frame! SOMEHOW I managed to find a comfortable position.

 

I turned the lights off and put some music on. It was so peaceful and nice...I must confess I found myself wishing you away and finding peace in no longer being tied down to you. I can't say how good this made me feel.

 

Afterwards I watched a lot of comedy online. My abbs are aching from the gym right, and every time I laugh they ache even more! I was there cracking up from the humour whilst trying not to cry from the pain! But it was all good.

 

I managed to wake up this morning without the negativity and pessimism that I had yesterday. I got to work with the attitude of "let's just carry on".

 

You can still creep up out of the blue and even though we're not friend's on FB I still see your picture every now and then on other friend's walls but I'm going to just have to carry on with things.

 

No use living in the past,

Shoulda known it wouldn't last,

Nothing good ever does,

But that's all right!

 

You know I only want what's best for you,

And I hope you do well at everything that you do,

And it's a funny thing but now that you're gone,

I don't wish you were dead anymore!

I feel this tension- almost anxiety- in my stomach that something great could happen in my life soon. Sometimes I'm excited about "something". Not entirely sure what's going on there.

Edited December 14, 2011 by SelfCentered

[SelfCentered]

So yesterday....wow, yesterday was a thing.

 

I ended up working about 6 hours, rushing home at the start of our Xmas party so I could hit the gym. Again, almost killing myself.

 

Then I had to drop my car off at home, get changed, run to the train station to get back to the town where I work in order to make it for the last bit of the party. Which I did- barely- but I got drunk. So very, very drunk.

 

BUT IT WAS AN OPEN BAR

 

Lager, sambuca and wine aren't made to mix.

 

I ended up heading back home on the last train. Some loud obnoxious girls were sat in front of me...God I hope you don't turn into them.

 

Met up with your bro and hit a few bars.

 

Again, I escaped "alcohol-depression"! Even though I was walking home in the dark, in the rain, with leaky shoes...I was happy! Had my headhpones on, singing away. By the time I got in through the front door I was dancing even. Broke a lamp. Seriously. Didn't realise til 8 this morning.

 

But I was happy.

 

Today obviously has been a hangover day. I haven't left my room...Just been lazy and unproductive. But that's okay.

 

I did get a bit down earlier when I was cooking my dinner. Realised how this Sunday will mark 1 month since we broke up, and also 1 month since we last spoke. Okay, I did email you a few weeks back saying why I was blocking you on FB, but you never responded.

 

So it's a landmark.

 

Got over the downess after a while though.

 

God forbid, I'm feeling pretty good about myself for the first time in ages. Mainly because last night at the Xmas party a lot of people kept drunkly telling me how lovely and funny I am. I also got hit on in a gay bar. Oh, if I were gay I'd be so wanted.

 

....Not really sure why I said that.

 

I think the fact that my weird rambling is coming back shows that I am coming back!

 

**** you, you didn't win. I'm back.

Edited December 16, 2011 by SelfCentered

[SelfCentered]

Okay so today I had a huge anxiety attack. Last time I had one this bad was in the last week we were together and I broke down in the shower one night because I knew what was coming.

 

This time I was at the gym. I had only just got there, ended up leaving after about 20 minutes. Did you bring it on? Partly...This is a month to the day that we broke up. But there were other issues. It all got on top of me...I tired doing the cognitive therapy I've been reading into to calm down but it didn't work.

 

Rushed home in the car because I just wanted to be in a safe place. Ended up clipping a van and knocking my left wing mirror off.

 

Not a big deal. It'll only cost £10 to replace right?

 

But it was the icing on the cake. I was already having an anxiety attack, and this one negative thing- as small as it was- topped me off. I barely parked the car (seemed to have lost all my motor skills at this point) and rushed into the house. Started crying right away....hyperventilating.

 

As soon as I could control myself I went back to the car because that's where my valium was. Took two. Helped right away.

 

But then I was hit by this dread....I thought I had done so much this past month to better myself, get over you, and address my long term problems.

 

Clearly, I got too confident in my healing.

 

As my last few entries will suggest, I've been in the mindset of "getting there, slowly, but feeling better every day".

 

I can't let today get to me in the long term I suppose. I was doing so well. My parents told me these attacks will occasionally happen.

 

By chance, I'm scheduled to see the doctor tomorrow. Let's see what she says. I've got a month's worth of catching up to do with her.

 

No doubt you influenced the attack today greatly but it wasn't just you. I guess I can take solace in that I've been dealing with your induced depression fairly well and it was only when I started thinking about loads of others things today that my anxiety reared it's disgusting face.

 

Yesterday was really good actually. Fast food, drinks, comedy, bunch of lads chilling out til 3am. Enjoyed it.

 

So tired now. The anxiety attack has drained me emotionally and physically and the valium has hit me for six too.

 

Least you're not haunting my dreams every night any more.

[SelfCentered]

Wow, haven't posted for a few days. Must mean I'm getting less needy?

 

The doctor's was very interesting. We had a catch up, and to keep a long story short she said she thinks I'm suffering from mild depression. I've been given some mild antidepressants to take over 6 months and I'm going to see her once a month.

 

She also gave me the number of self-referral therapist which I'll check out in the new year.

 

Did I expect this? Hell no! But looking back at how hard this year has been, how many times I've just broken down and cried...I guess I do fit the criteria. But I had no idea until it was pointed out!

 

So, there you go!

 

Work was slow but easy this week. Finished now until January which is cool.

 

Keeping my routine up at the gym. If you see me soon, I hope you won't recognise me!

 

Dreamt about you last night...Dreamt we had a baby girl together! WTF IS UP WITH THAT?

 

I remember being happy, but not because you were there. I was happy to look after a beautiful baby girl. I've always been so anti-children! Guess I had a few paternal instincts after all...

 

Still, I woke up feeling odd that I had such a....er...."intimate" dream featuring you. I barely remember you being in it actually, just the baby.

 

Aside from that, I've obviously thought of you every now and then. I get sad, sure, but....things are looking up. As soon as this festive period is over I can move on with my life. Bring on 2012, I gotta take over this world after all.

[Rimer]

Hello SelfCentered.

 

Great posts. I can relate with you on so many levels. I also am hitting the gym and it feels great. Recently tho I've lost my motivation a little because my ex popped back into my life only to tell me she doesn't have THOSE kinda feelings for me anymore. This made me think too. Did I really have those feelings anymore or I'm I just going crazy over losing a relationship?

 

This line also hit me

 

" That RAF man, 22, who died in 1943. How would he have reacted if he saw me, 23, getting all depressed over a girl that I dated for 6 months because she dumped me? "

 

Made me think a lot. I'm 29 my GF of 8 years left me. I'm acting like it's the end of the world and it's been 4 months. I have to pull myself together. Stop with the excuses! I just have to!

 

Really good to hear your doing better keep it up bro. I hope you keep posting updates here I find them very inspirational

[SelfCentered]

Hi Rimer.

 

Thanks for the comment- nice to know people read!

 

8 years is a heck of a time to be in a relationship man. I can't even pretend to know how you must be feeling. It's quite humbling to hear that actually. My last relationship was clearly only small one- a blip in comparison!

 

I'd say you're more than qualified to be lamenting for more than four months, but the fact you are being positive and realising life goes on is a fantastic thing.

 

All the best mate!

[SelfCentered]

It's been a while since I updated this. I'm also spending far less time on LS.

 

I feel guilty about it given how helpful people were to me when I was down. I feel like I should give back to the community.

 

Suppose the reason why I'm not clicking the LS bookmark every time I log on in the morning nowadays is because I'm coping by just getting on with things.

 

Anyway, let's recap.

 

I finished work last Thursday until the New Year. Went to the gym on Friday, did some last minute shopping on Friday-Saturday. Spent both nights drinking over a friend's house. Didn't think of you.

 

Xmas came. Thought of you every now and then. Guess because I had these grand plans for how we'd spend the holidays. I didn't get down though. Had a nice meal with the family, then broke tradition by going over a friend's flat for a party! Got very drunk, met some new people who seemed to like me. Forgot how sociable I can get with a beer in my hand around people I don't know!

 

In short- it's going well.

 

But today is your birthday and it has made me down a bit. Suppose though I've got through my birthday and Christmas so far this month. I'll get through today too.

 

And New Years...Well, New Years I'm going to raise some hell and bring in 2012 with emphatic glee.

 

Still don't want to hate you or think anything bad. But at the same time, I have no inclination to see or talk to you.

 

Basically, I want to get like this:

 

http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/823/naughtymemescongratsspi.jpg/

 

Basically, I'm moving on.

Edited December 27, 2011 by SelfCentered

[SelfCentered]

I think I am getting better. I come to LS so little now, whereas before it was the first thing I logged into each morning!

 

Life goes on and I'm back at work now after the Xmas break. It's been okay so far- few things to look forward to.

 

I'm still enjoying my gym sessions. They're very productive and I can see myself getting stronger!

 

But you. Well, you came back to the hometown for two weeks didn't you. Your bro didn't tell me, he just updated his status one day saying he was watching a movie with you.

 

As the thread I posted at the time shows, this scared me. I was suddenly confronted with a mixture of feelings and a desire to just see you, hoping we could reconcile if I'm honest. I didn't want this but I found myself yearning for it simply because it would be a quick fix to the pain! In the long term however it would only cause more pain.

 

I managed to avoid you the whole time. NYE I had a great time at a great house party. I was tempted to text you when I was drunk at 4am but i didn't and in the morning I was happy of this.

 

There have been a few occasions since where I've been drunk and tempted to text you. I just put this down to drunk depression, because when I sober up I'm always so happy that I didn't.

 

Having you so geographically close added an extra strain, but we avoided each other didn't we? If I'm honest a part of me wanted to (as I said above) but it was right that we didn't.

 

Plus you returned the rest of the stuff of mine that you had. I'll pick this up soon. Just not looking forward to picking up that tshirt and smelling you on it....

 

I get upset when I think about the intimate stuff. Suppose that's just natural though, missing the bedroom. Missing your touch and your skin- was always so soft.

 

But I don't find myself missing talking to you or dealing with you as much. I suppose that says a lot about my "missing the relationship but not missing you" theory.

 

Still wish you the best. Hope you're happy.

 

I'm getting there too. Few more battles to fight though, but I know I can win now.

 

My cups not empty, it's just not so full.

[Rimer]

I think I am getting better. I come to LS so little now, whereas before it was the first thing I logged into each morning!

 

Life goes on and I'm back at work now after the Xmas break. It's been okay so far- few things to look forward to.

 

I'm still enjoying my gym sessions. They're very productive and I can see myself getting stronger!

 

But you. Well, you came back to the hometown for two weeks didn't you. Your bro didn't tell me, he just updated his status one day saying he was watching a movie with you.

 

As the thread I posted at the time shows, this scared me. I was suddenly confronted with a mixture of feelings and a desire to just see you, hoping we could reconcile if I'm honest. I didn't want this but I found myself yearning for it simply because it would be a quick fix to the pain! In the long term however it would only cause more pain.

 

I managed to avoid you the whole time. NYE I had a great time at a great house party. I was tempted to text you when I was drunk at 4am but i didn't and in the morning I was happy of this.

 

There have been a few occasions since where I've been drunk and tempted to text you. I just put this down to drunk depression, because when I sober up I'm always so happy that I didn't.

 

Having you so geographically close added an extra strain, but we avoided each other didn't we? If I'm honest a part of me wanted to (as I said above) but it was right that we didn't.

 

Plus you returned the rest of the stuff of mine that you had. I'll pick this up soon. Just not looking forward to picking up that tshirt and smelling you on it....

 

I get upset when I think about the intimate stuff. Suppose that's just natural though, missing the bedroom. Missing your touch and your skin- was always so soft.

 

But I don't find myself missing talking to you or dealing with you as much. I suppose that says a lot about my "missing the relationship but not missing you" theory.

 

Still wish you the best. Hope you're happy.

 

I'm getting there too. Few more battles to fight though, but I know I can win now.

 

My cups not empty, it's just not so full.

 

Hey SC great to hear an update again. Made me think a lot again too with

 

"I get upset when I think about the intimate stuff. Suppose that's just natural though, missing the bedroom. Missing your touch and your skin- was always so soft.

 

But I don't find myself missing talking to you or dealing with you as much. I suppose that says a lot about my "missing the relationship but not missing you" theory. "

 

I feel the same too and am starting to wonder is it just the intimacy, relationship I miss and not my ex. I myself took a huge step forward last week not thinking about her 24/7 then this weekend for some reason I took another huge step backwards. Maybe because I had a one night bang-goodbye kinda thing (i never had one before) More I think about it was a mistake because it just bought my feelings for my ex back up

[SelfCentered]

Thanks for the comment!

 

Sorry to hear you feel like you’ve gone back a few spaces. There is an inherent danger in flinging yourself into one-night stands- as you’ve found out! You compare everything they do to how it used to be with your ex and it just isn’t the same. I’m of the opinion anyway that the best sex is when you’re in relationship with someone, you can figure out each other’s rhythm and know what works best etc.

 

Plus, when you’re in the BU frame of mind and thus emotionally unstable, any sort of intimate encounter ends up with you thinking crazy stuff. With me it’s trying to make her face seem like the ex’s! Messed up.

 

I’ve avoided doing that this time around but during my last breakup I threw myself into the arms of whoever would have me. Like you, I had never done that before (well, I attempted to do it in my younger days every time I went out clubbing but failed!) but for those few months I just went for it and often got it!

 

I have to say in hindsight I’m in two different minds about that. It bought up a whole new set of problems, sure, but at the same time it gave me some confidence in myself and made me feel desirable again.

 

So I don’t know really!

 

Either way, don’t dwell on it too much- you were doing well up to that point and one night shouldn’t erase that! When you get these road blocks man, just know you can drive right through them!

[Rimer]

Thanks for the comment!

 

Sorry to hear you feel like you’ve gone back a few spaces. There is an inherent danger in flinging yourself into one-night stands- as you’ve found out! You compare everything they do to how it used to be with your ex and it just isn’t the same. I’m of the opinion anyway that the best sex is when you’re in relationship with someone, you can figure out each other’s rhythm and know what works best etc.

 

Plus, when you’re in the BU frame of mind and thus emotionally unstable, any sort of intimate encounter ends up with you thinking crazy stuff. With me it’s trying to make her face seem like the ex’s! Messed up.

 

I’ve avoided doing that this time around but during my last breakup I threw myself into the arms of whoever would have me. Like you, I had never done that before (well, I attempted to do it in my younger days every time I went out clubbing but failed!) but for those few months I just went for it and often got it!

 

I have to say in hindsight I’m in two different minds about that. It bought up a whole new set of problems, sure, but at the same time it gave me some confidence in myself and made me feel desirable again.

 

So I don’t know really!

 

Either way, don’t dwell on it too much- you were doing well up to that point and one night shouldn’t erase that! When you get these road blocks man, just know you can drive right through them!

 

Thanks the response. Yeah I'm trying get back on the wagon of recovery. I don't know why I keep coming up with more and more problems with myself. If I get over one problem I "make up" a new one. Then I keep going back and fourth. It's so frustating I just feel like giving up

[SelfCentered]

Dude, since my BU I've identified myself as an obsessive worrier with a touch of OCD! I went to the doctors and after a few visits she diagnosed me with a form of mild depression! Now I'm on some antidepressants and waiting to hear back from a therapist!

 

Here's the kicker- I wasn't supposed to be like this at 24!! I was supposed to be young, full of life, centre of attention, living it up.

 

So I know what it's like to keep finding these problems and to just feel like you're getting kicking whilst down.

 

But you know what? I'm surrounding myself with positive thoughts now. I know that sounds a bit cheesy and a bit new agey...Few months ago I would have choked just writing it!

 

But I am so fed up of feeling so crap and dotting on her and everything else. I am so ****ing determined to pull myself out of this rut.

 

I'm feeling better. I'm feeling better than I have for months and months. In some ways I feel better than when I was with her, because I was using our relationship to put off dealing with my problems.

 

It's a cliché to say that you should use a breakup as a chance to better yourself...but it's a cliché for a reason.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say man is just keep fighting on. Really, don't stop until your dead in the ground. If you think you need help, get it. If you feel like you need someone to talk to, find an ear. Family, friends, us here, even a doctor. Just do it dude, rip all the problems apart and sort them out.

 

I'm doing it. Everyday I'm doing it. If I can, you can!

[Rimer]

Dude, since my BU I've identified myself as an obsessive worrier with a touch of OCD! I went to the doctors and after a few visits she diagnosed me with a form of mild depression! Now I'm on some antidepressants and waiting to hear back from a therapist!

 

Here's the kicker- I wasn't supposed to be like this at 24!! I was supposed to be young, full of life, centre of attention, living it up.

 

So I know what it's like to keep finding these problems and to just feel like you're getting kicking whilst down.

 

But you know what? I'm surrounding myself with positive thoughts now. I know that sounds a bit cheesy and a bit new agey...Few months ago I would have choked just writing it!

 

But I am so fed up of feeling so crap and dotting on her and everything else. I am so ****ing determined to pull myself out of this rut.

 

I'm feeling better. I'm feeling better than I have for months and months. In some ways I feel better than when I was with her, because I was using our relationship to put off dealing with my problems.

 

It's a cliché to say that you should use a breakup as a chance to better yourself...but it's a cliché for a reason.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say man is just keep fighting on. Really, don't stop until your dead in the ground. If you think you need help, get it. If you feel like you need someone to talk to, find an ear. Family, friends, us here, even a doctor. Just do it dude, rip all the problems apart and sort them out.

 

I'm doing it. Everyday I'm doing it. If I can, you can!

 

Sounds great.. Great to hear your doing better. I'm getting help and on anti-d too. It's just my personality I guess that I keep coming up with new problems why I can't start my healing like I'm blaming myself for all the mistakes in the break up and that I deserve to suffer for them. I'm trying to start think positive and things I want to do once I'm healed. A few days ago I would said I have no dreams or things I wanna do but today I came up with couple. Going back to visit USA and learn to snowboard I hope this is the first steps towards a better tomorrow.

Edited January 10, 2012 by Rimer