Ashbash11 Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Hello, My question will be two-fold.. First off, I want to know, what exactly makes a "toxic friend?" I've googled it before and read about the "6 signs your friend is toxic, etc.." but I wanted to hear the opinions of the wonderful people on LS. (I'm asking because I am starting to worry that a few of my friends fall into this category...) Also.. does anyone find themselves feeling frustrated that their friends are selfish and do not reciprocate? I've felt this way for a long time.. I am in the helping field, and I tend to be the "giver" in my friendships.. I'm always there when they have a problem, I make them feel good, make the effort to call/email/text and visit, etc. etc. However, this is not always reciprocated. For example, I have one friend who i've known for about 4 years who will call me just to "vent" or talk about herself for 20 minutes or longer, and then she often will not ask me anything about my life, OR.. she will ask, but then switch the topic back onto herself. She recently came to my area for a job interview, and asked me to drive 1 1/2 hours to see her.. she refused to come to my town.. I finally put my foot down and said "no, it's too far.." This summer, I took a 7 hour train ride to visit her, but she's never done that to visit me. I'm starting to wonder if some of my friends are even friends at all. I'm worried that maybe I don't know what a healthy friendship looks like. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 IMO it isn't easy to find good friends - there's usually no guarantee that any help you give them will necessarily be reciprocated. 'Friends' have screwed me over so often in this aspect that now, whenever I help people in any way, I only do so when I am able to accept that I will not receive any reciprocation from them. If I cannot accept that possibility - I don't. It saves a lot of disappointment and resentment. Of course, I am always willing and ready to help out friends who have demonstrated that they are capable of doing the same. It's just that those have been few and far between, IME. Link to post Share on other sites
Savannah323 Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 Hello, There are those selfish friends who only call when they are down. Where are those friends when YOU are down?? I suggest you give to your friendships just enough where YOU ARE NOT emotionally and mentally depleted. DONT allow others to abuse your kindness. Keep it easy going. AND if you dont have friends who can SUPPORT YOU, then I suggest you keep your eye open and look. There are a few out there. We just gotta cherish them when we do find them!! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 Tip: As a 'giver', only give in friendship what is freely and without expectation of equivalent reciprocation given. If synergy in the dynamic isn't satisfying, communicate that. Example (not advice): 'In my friendships I like xxx and yyy. I'm really not getting that here' Listen. Example of a stronger stance, necessary with some personality types. 'I expect certain treatment from friends and this kind of treatment is unacceptable to me' Listen. I give communication one opportunity before making like a hole in the water. Even sonar can't detect my presence and that's exactly how I like it. The key is to value your 'giving' nature and be selective about whom enjoys the gift of who you are. They don't deserve it; they are privileged to receive it and there is a whole world of people who would and will appreciate it and reciprocate it voluntarily and without accounting. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 Ugh, it's hard to find a good friend or trust people these days, but if you are the only 'giver' in the friendship, they don't provide a shoulder for you to cry on, they're not there for you when you need them but you are to them, they don't go the extra mile for you when you will for them, they are 'toxic' friends, and are unworthy of having you as a friend. I recently had such a friendship, she only came to me when she was feeling down, and I felt that, like you I was the 'giver' and she wasn't even remotely interested in the friendship in the first place. In any case, it's always best to distance yourself from people like this and find friends who will be there for you as much as you are for them. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
MillyRad Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 Hello, There are those selfish friends who only call when they are down. Where are those friends when YOU are down?? I'm in the middle of reading "When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You" by Jan Yager, Ph.D. Along with fair-weather friends, the author mentions "foul-weather friends." These are people who are only there for you when you ARE down. The friendship may have started with some mutual comiseration and they don't know how to handle it when things are going well for you and don't want to share good times with you. They actually have motive to work to KEEP you down at the level they're comfortable with. Just something interesting about friend-toxicity I thought I'd add. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts