relationships

[mark]

i have a theory - for a succesful relationship, there are three things that are required. these are love, friendship and good sex. i could also put it this way - emotional, intellectual and physical compatibility are necessary for a long, suucesful and fulfilling relationship.

 

not ever having been able to sustain one myself at the ripe old age of 28, i'm beginning to question wheather this little hypothesis i've convinced myself of might not be too much. i would really like people's opinions on this matter. what in everyone's opinion is the underlying factor which makes for a good relationship. i've had several where somethings add up but other's don't. maybe i have been too severe on the people i've been with but neverthless i would like to know what people think is most important out of the above to make for a solid relationship.

 

cheers..

[Kimber]

Good question.

 

I think you are right. To have a great relationship with someone requires total compatability. I mean you should have a few things that you don't have in common, but if you aren't compatible what is there to talk about? Nothing. It makes for a very boring relationship. And life if you're married.

 

I say if you find someone you love, who loves you back and is easy on the eyes (in your opinion) and can make you laugh, cry, feel true emotion and the physical aspect ain't bad either, you've got it made. Some of us have been fortunate enough to find that. Well, at least we hope so.

 

Did that answer your question?

 

Kimber

[Tony T]

There are many essential ingredients to a relationship that might be given a chance to thrive but there are still no guarantees. People grow, people change, some people's feelings change, some people get bored with sex, even good sex, with the same person, some people get bored with the beautiful, loving, communicative, great friend they married. Then, after some time, they look for newness elsewhere.

 

The more I'm around, the more I feel there is no magic formula. It mostly depends on the two people, the chemistry, the space each gives the other, great maturity, rationality, a healthy outlook, etc.

 

Some factors I consider to be important to the successs of a long term relationship, particularly marriage, are:

 

caring; committment; communication; shared goals; shared views about children, how many to have, when, common views on raising them; shared views about money, how to make it, how to spend it, how to save it, how to decide on spending priorities; a fulfilling sexual experience; open-mindedness; a good sense of humor; common interests; ability to forgive; ability to forget; ability to compromise; a stable mood; a slowness to anger; the ability to do things alone; the ability to give one's spouse the freedom to be his/herself; etc., etc.

 

The number one reaason for discord in relationships is making unreasonable demands and expectations on one's lover or spouse. Most arguments occur when we demand or expect that our spouse behaves or believes a certain way. Any demand or expectation aimed at any other human being is unreasonable and irrational. But most human beings are raised to demand and expect certain things from other people and from life. There are those that consider certain of those their absolute right, which is insane.

 

If we learn to go with the flow, to accept what happens without judging our partner, not to expect any particular behavior or outcome, we will be the happiest people in the world.

 

Most people are incapable of shedding their demands and their expectations, many of which are often built up to heights far above any human being's ability to meet, and their relationship is doomed.

 

It takes most people a great deal of work on themselves to accept their lover, spouse, or any other person for exactly what they are and exactly how they behave without wanting to mold them into what they demand or expect from them. Most people won't even understand this concept...and that is why they will never be totally happy in a relationship.

 

I think we can have a fair relationship without some of the above, but there are many cases when our mate is just plain crazy and their behavior is just outside the bounds of good taste and general acceptance.

 

It is beyond insanity to expect someone to change over a period of time...to marry them expecting unacceptable behavior to change...demanding certain behaviors begin or cease. But there are some absolutely crazy people in the world and they get married under less than ideal circumstances and do their best to make things work.

[Jenna]

Mark-

 

I think that your theory is definately on the right track. But, to be compatible with another person- doesn't neccessarily mean that you must be alike. It means that you are willing to accomodate another person's likes and dislikes with and open mind. My definition would be more like; "People are compatible-when- BOTH agree that they will make a real effort to understand and be involved in what makes the other happy and content.

 

You mentioned 3 emotional needs in your post- these are real and valid needs- and I am assuming that these are the most important ones to you. However, there are several more emotional needs- like, affection, attention, conversation, admiration, openness, honesty- and the list goes on.

 

Since we (people) are not indentical clones of one another-it is therefore logical to think that our needs are as different as the individual. So, the needs that are important (top priority) to you may or may not be the same most important needs of your companion. And- that is perfectly normal!! The trick is to identify your partners needs -for example- mine top 5 are "affection, conversation,attention, honesty and sexual fulfillment- in that order. See- they are somewhat different than yours. Once you know what their needs are- you make a point to meet them. Once you make your partner aware of "your" needs- and they work towards meeting them- you are both fulfilled! And therefore- "compatible"- since you both have decided that the most important goal is to make your partner feel loved and secure.

 

Just because you meet a person who shares your same political views or likes the sport that you do- doesn't really mean that you are a match made in Heaven. There are so many more elements of a relationship that have to be addressed.

 

You have the right idea- just remember that the other person's needs may be (and probably are) somewhat different that yours- but are still just as valid and important.

 

Jenna

i have a theory - for a succesful relationship, there are three things that are required. these are love, friendship and good sex. i could also put it this way - emotional, intellectual and physical compatibility are necessary for a long, suucesful and fulfilling relationship. not ever having been able to sustain one myself at the ripe old age of 28, i'm beginning to question wheather this little hypothesis i've convinced myself of might not be too much. i would really like people's opinions on this matter. what in everyone's opinion is the underlying factor which makes for a good relationship. i've had several where somethings add up but other's don't. maybe i have been too severe on the people i've been with but neverthless i would like to know what people think is most important out of the above to make for a solid relationship. cheers..