ever wanted to be friends with the ex?

[kourix]

have you ever felt like you could be friends with the ex?

i'm not sure the reason(s) behind why i'm feeling this way, but this feeling has been plaguing me for awhile now, and i've had breakups before, unfortunately i can't remember whether i've felt this way about those breakups (i guess to be honest, my previous two were way more hurtful as they were more invested).

of the two breakups, i am on talking terms with one of them (strictly platonic on my end, for him, not so much but it doesn't matter), and the other, i'm just not interested, though he has approached me.

 

anyway, this latest one, it was sad, i didn't really want to breakup, but simply had to because he didn't treat me right as a girlfriend, and he admitted he didn't want a relationship after all even though i was "pretty, funny and interesting" and he just wanted something physical - hurtful words, especially since it happened shortly after i slept with him. yes, i won't defend it, it was a very douchey move on his part, especially since he could lie to my face and tell me he wanted a serious relationship BEFORE we slept together.

 

all that said however, a part of me misses hanging out together. it's been almost four weeks, we dated for a month ++, were together for like two weeks or so. i know it's a really short period and some of you may think it's silly that i'm even bringing it up, but a part of me does enjoy hanging out, and feel like we would probably make better friends than lovers. i feel like i'm more or less over it, that although i AM attracted to him, it might also be more of a physical thing, as opposed to personality. he's funny and fun to be with, but the way he treats a lady just isn't right (even when we were dating, the phase where they presumably put in "more effort", his actions weren't something i was looking for in a boyfriend)

 

on the flip side, i'm writing this because i don't know if i can handle it. it's still pretty raw. i feel like i can, but what if i can't?

 

i'm going to be completely honest why i want him as a friend:

 

--- he can be pretty fun to hang out with, i wouldn't mind hanging out with him, just enjoying his company, like going to watch movies as friends and having dinner (nothing romantic and no romantic activities). i would want to hang out with him only when there's things to do, for eg, if there's a movie i want to catch and no one else wants to watch with me. and maybe the occasional dinner when we're both free and bored. -- i'm not looking for a friends with benefits thing.

 

--- he's french, and i'm learning french (started before i even met him) and he's the only french person i know. wouldn't mind brushing up on my language. i've always been interested in french culture, and i can learn more about the culture hopefully. (when we were dating/together, i always had this inferiority complex around him just coz' he's french. i'm pretty certain i'm over it now after analyzing my stupidity over these past few weeks of NC)

 

*some of you might say, well go make some new french friends then! but it's not so easy here. and him, well i met him online. he's an expat in my country.

 

of course, i have no idea how i'd react if he told me he was dating someone else already. friends wouldn't care, and i have lots of male friends in relationships whom i hang out with anyway, but with him, i'm afraid i would be affected, especially since he told me he doesn't want a relationship in the first place.

 

i have to say this situation is based on him even wanting to be friends if i contacted him. he might not. two weeks after we broke up, we bumped into each other (sucked), and he said he "missed me... a little." it was very offensive to me at the time, still kinda is. i didn't take it to mean that he still wanted me of course, i took it more like, he was being an a-hole that he had to tell me he missed me, but just A LITTLE. just to annoy me. (i never said i missed him, i just replied that yeah it was fun while we were dating, and we prob shouldn't have rushed into a rs, and he stopped replying - surprise surprise).

 

besides, if he didn't bump into me, he probably would never have msged me so i have no illusions that we're ever getting back together or that he's losing sleep over me. also, he has never said he wanted to remain friends whatsoever after the breakup. my last msg to him about the breakup was, "okay i guess we're done here." and he never replied.

so maybe he didn't even want to be friends? i don't know. he's always been a little "off", so to speak.

 

i feel like, because it was a short relationship, we moved too fast and we got out fast, there's a chance we could return to being friends. truth be told, i don't know much about him. usually i'd make more effort to know a guy before getting together, but with this guy, he's like an enigma and even after we broke up, i'm thinking, WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING, I KNOW ALMOST NOTHING about this guy. i think i was just enchanted by him being french and gave in without thinking. anyway, now it feels like such a pity that i've just cut him completely out of my life. i would like the opportunity to be friends and just know him better, not because i want to marry him or get back together (i don't think i want to be with someone like him), but, just to give us a chance to get to know one another better as two individuals. i think it'd be very interesting to have a friend from a different culture. esp when there's so much i want to learn about france!

 

i repeat, i have no idea if he'll be up for this purely platonic thing, but these are just my thoughts. (although i'm afraid i might be tempted to sleep with him again - but i'll totally resist.)

i don't miss him much per se, but i do miss hanging out with him. and i need an objective mind for this, because you don't usually miss hanging out with friends, do you? i just want to be able to text him when i'm bored and chit chat a little, or ask him out when i need company, like how i do with my friends.

[solobeary]

You sound very hesitant, which probably means you need a bit more time. Give it another month or two and see how you feel? You seem pretty objective about assessing the relationship (sounds like there were too many red flags/ poor treatment already for you to honestly want anything further), but that there is still a fair bit of emotion there for you. Totally fair enough, it sounds like he screwed you over a bit (literally and figuratively..!)

 

I reckon in a month or two's time you'll be over the emotion and be able to send him a completely platonic text raising the possibility of doing something as friends...?

[kourix]

hi solobeary, thanks for replying!

 

the part where you mentioned he screwed me over made me laugh (: but yes, he sure did! yup after writing out the post, it got me thinking. i definitely still have some feelings left over, so perhaps it'd be better to give it some time, especially now that the holidays are coming around, i might be more vulnerable (i think most people would be), so it would be better to wait and reassess my feelings down the line, like maybe after the new years? by then, i would have come to one of two conclusions:

- new year's resolution: never contact him again, or

- it's a new year, new beginning, forget the bad stuff that happened and be friends...

 

i'll just have to see which applies more as the days go by.

i really wanted to ask him to watch Mission Impossible with me though(purely as friends, i'll even buy the tickets as he was always the one paying for stuff), seeing as my friends are all busy, but ah well, might not be the best idea at the moment.

 

anyway, so he JUST messaged me, it's really weird. i've replied him, we're talking abit... i think he just likes screwing with my mind, or simply enjoys looking for me for that few minutes of entertainment when he's bored.

[kourix]

just a short update - so we texted for abit, like normal friends, and then he MIA-ed after he asked and i told him i wasn't going to this big annual party. and then i caved, i asked, are you? (DA*NIT!!!) and he said nope too crowded and i replied yeah it is, and no response since. it's whatsapp so i know he's read the message but just didn't bother replying.

 

i don't get it, why do exes do that? why did HE do that?

i'm so tempted to ask "so why did you randomly msg me out of the blue" but my friends have told me not to bother as it would show that i still care. i guess that makes sense, but it sucks.

also, i'm suffering from shingles, can't go to work for two weeks but i never brought it up in the convo with him... just didn't feel right, i don't know if he would care.

 

is it alright to ask why he randomly messaged me? or should i just up and forget it?

i really don't want to have to have the feelings all stirred up again everytime he decides to say hi, for whatever reason. afterall, he just up and left and didn't even end things properly. i still don't know if we're supposed to be friends or whatever.

[HappyFlower]

is it alright to ask why he randomly messaged me? or should i just up and forget it?

i really don't want to have to have the feelings all stirred up again everytime he decides to say hi, for whatever reason. afterall, he just up and left and didn't even end things properly. i still don't know if we're supposed to be friends or whatever.

 

If I was you I wouldn't bother asking, you may not even get an answer for that, and it might make you more annoyed with him.

If you're worried about having feelings stirred up whenever he decides to say hi, I don't think you're ready to be friends just yet. Maybe one day, but not now.

Just because he didn't end things properly doesn't mean he decides if he gets to be friends with you or not, thats your decision. If you're not ready, just ignore his texts. He'll get the message

[Sugarkane]

He doesn't sound like he deserves you as a friend at all.Why would an ex randomly message? Ego boost, shoulder to cry on or a shag.

[kourix]

hey all,

he asked me out for brunch this morning. at first i was hesitant, and asking him why? and he gave those lame answers, like to see, talk, laugh, take you to a new place... and i'm like how do you know i haven't been? but yeah, i haven't. hahah. but he could tell i was very hesitant so he said i mean if you don't want to it's okay... and after awhile of thinking, and him saying he had one week left to live (jokingly) i agreed, saying i couldn't say no to a dying man.

anyway, i already posted here saying i thought we could be friends, right? might as well try being friends now. so anyway we met, and went for brunch, and walked around the island for abit, and parted ways after.

 

how was it?

 

i'm not sure. it felt... normal. and a little uncomfortable, it felt like the first few times we went out, like there was a barrier. i'm not happy or sad, just neutral. and im not sure i want to see him again or be friends with him. i mean, i wouldn't mind going out again if he asked me out, but just wouldn't want to be the person making the move.

not that it wasn't a decent time. pretty nice weather and all, but i tried keeping my distance most of the time (eg, when it rained, we shared an umbrella but i didn't hold his arm, something i would do even with my friends). we talked and laughed, we made jokes and made fun of each other, it almost felt like a date - except it was not. i think both of us just pretended like the past didn't happen, and i didn't feel like bringing it up then, now even. body-language wise, i would say we were both pretty wary.

 

the other thing which was blatant and awkward was that i did not kiss him hello or goodbye, i just didn't feel like it (although it's what french people do), so i just maintained my distance each time. i just smiled hi and bye.

 

i have no idea what this means. it's like i'm totally numb now. i don't know if i'm feeling this way because i am over it, or just couldn't care less any more. it's such a strange feeling. this feeling reminds me of when we first started dating and he was always so hot cold and i was like, screw it, whether he messages me again or not doesn't matter.

 

i haven't told any of my friends, they would kill me if they found out. they keep thinking i can't handle seeing him again so i just shut up.

 

i just texted him thank you for the brunch (i just wanted to be polite.), and he said "my pleasure". i'm leaving it at that. maybe this is goodbye, just one last meal to end things on a good note. anyway, i'm still not sure why he called me out, perhaps to extend an olive branch or he was just simply bored. he didn't tell me why, and i didn't ask why either. i don't feel the inclination to ask now either, i'm just taking it at face value. i don't wish to bother myself with the drama any longer, i just want to be happy (:

Edited December 11, 2011 by kourix