Wife Pushing Children....Not ready?

[SF33M]

I hope this is the best place to start this thread. I am 34 years old and my wife is about to turn 31. Married 4 years and together 6. I have had an unusually stressful year with both career and home issues (stress, anxiety, etc.) My wife has let me know that she thinks that we are not "like" other couples she sees. She often asks if I love her and my response is yes. I do love her. She is a very good wife. I do admit we are at the point when passion is lacking and when we are intimate together, it feels very forced. I have told her that because I am going through difficult times personally, I would like to wait with the children a bit and keep life simple as possible for a while. Meanwhile, she is feeling like her life is on hold. She wants to add onto the house and have kids now..I prefer to wait until I can get a better grasp on stress. (Job is very demanding and I am going to school at nights)

 

Several months ago, I caught her talking to her ex-boyfriend via email and phone calls. Nothing revealing, just him trying to get her to go places with him when he is in town. She admitted that she met him once at coffee but nothing else. I did catch her in lies a couple more times about talking with him because she did not know that I had access to the telephone records and her email. She of course gave me the I have to trust her thing and that it was only talking. I asked her to think about it in the opposite and she agreed to tell him that they should not talk anymore. Over the last month or two I have not seen any communication, unless she is hiding it very well now.

 

I feel like we do not connect and we have even had talks of divorce or separation. Sex is so robot like and very unnatural. We started using condoms again and now she doesn't even really seem interested in having intercourse if we use them. I feel like she only wants a baby and we have lost a lot of our connection and passion. Even though she knows I am hurting inside because of my anxiety and stress probs, (I am seeing a counselor and doing everything possible to help this) she is still pushing the children issue. Honestly, I know I do not want to take on that responsibility right now with all that is going on in my life. I understand she has her needs also, but how can I just say OK to make her happy on creating a child. I am fearing that if I do not say OK to trying to have a baby again soon, she will leave.

 

Anyone else out there with a similar situation, especially with the children part? I do want to help myself and our relationship first, but I feel that her biological clock is going to get in the way of that process.

[einahpets]

good for you for seeing a counselor. now you need to convince her to go to a marriage counselor w/you. she needs to realize that a marriage only works if both people put in effort. i imagine she feels like her biological clock is ticking and it can be very difficult time for a woman. i think it is unexceptable for her to continue to speak to her ex when she knows how it makes you feel. she is talking to her ex but wants to have your baby? anyways it seems as if she is unwilling to accept any of the blame for the stress your marriage is under. getting her to go to a marriage counselor w/ you seems to be the only way to get her to realize this. i sympathize w/her because i know it must be difficult to not be able to have a child when you want one so bad. but i also sympathize w/ you because i know all too well the anxiety of having too much on your plate, not to mention the pressure of having someone wanting to add even more. she is being selfish for she isn't taking the time to put herself in your shoes. i wish you the best of luck.

[moimeme]

Both of you could do with having a read of <removed> It's a great site with some great ideas for couples needing to reconnect.

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by SF33M I feel like we do not connect and we have even had talks of divorce or separation. Sex is so robot like and very unnatural.

I do want to help myself and our relationship first, but I feel that her biological clock is going to get in the way of that process.

It would be a big mistake to bring a child into a marriage that is not solid. If you have doubts about the stability of your marriage, trust me, children will only amplify the problems you have now.

 

Having a child will be one of the single most important and life-changing decisions you will ever make. It tests even the strongest of marriages. Having a child in hopes that it will make your marriage better or hold it together is the worst thing you could do. It would be totally unfair to the child. He/she deserves to be brought up in a stable and loving home.

 

Too many people have kids for all the wrong reasons and it is the child who suffers the consequences. If there is any doubt about whether your marriage will survive in the long run, don't knowingly subject a child to instability, suspicion, dishonesty, anxiety and ultimately divorce.

 

I agree with the others that marriage counseling should be your first step.

[Kristine]

Angel is exactly right about how much children change things, and it's a permanent change. So if you aren't ready and you have a child you will only resent your wife and that poor child won't understand why daddy doesn't love him/her. Don't do it just to make her happy, but you need to make an agreement of somesort.

 

You also need to repeat to her what you wrote here. Tell her you want to get a handle on the stress in your life, that you just need more time. Perhaps when you're done with your education you'd be ready. I do understand her biological clock is probably going off majorly but you both really need to come up with a plan that is acceptable to each of you. She may feel like you never want children and are just putting it off with excuses. Sit down and have a talk, come up with a workable solution for each of you. Be honest. Do you never want children? If that's the case then you two need to split up. If do you want them but not right now, be honest with her. Go to dinner and talk calmly. What's holding you back? Why is she in such a hurry? Get to the root and resolve it. If you can agree to try in 6 months or 1 year than hold to it. Or agree to seriously discuss it again in 6 months and see where you're at.

 

I'll add there is never a perfect time to have a child, just as there are no perfect children. But you can adjust to whomever joins your family and who knows you may really enjoy that little person. But work on your marriage first, because kids won't make it any easier to connect.

[Karlise13]

I am childfree myself but I have plenty of friends who are parents.

 

Believe me, the first year with a baby is so incredibly stressful, it can push GOOD marriages to the brink.

 

I forget who it was who once said, "A baby is like a hand grenade dropped into the middle of your relationship"

 

I think your thinking here is right on; you've had a rough year and your marriage may be on shaky ground.

 

Taking a year or so to really focus on where your marriage is headed is a good idea.

 

Passion can be re-ignited, but it requires taking time for each other and really focusing on each other. You don't have that luxury with a new baby (unless you're well off and can afford lots of help)

 

Good luck and hope things work out for you

[SF33M]

First off, Thank you to all who have written with your support and comments.

 

I did get a chance to speak to my wife a little last night about counseling. She did not give me a definate answer since we got off topic a bit and then did not want to continue talking after that. I suggested that we see a marriage counselor and also told her that my personal counselor told me that we should give "Marriage Encounter" a try. My wife immediately shot that idea down by calling it "one of those weird weekend things." I have no knowledge of what it is like or if it will be helpful, just trying to have an open mind and take some professional advice.

 

As all of you read in my first post, I am struggling with anxiety and possibly depression at the moment. (I am trying an anti-anxiety med at very low dose right now and it is helping a bit) All things in my life feel stressful to me (work, school, general married life), so the idea of bringing a child into the mix at this time worries me. I look at other couples with their children and I do like kids, so I don't think it is that I do not ever want them, just seems like I could not enjoy the beauty of bringing a child into the world now when I cannot enjoy my own life.

 

She came home yesterday after a day of shopping with her Mom and told me that she thinks depression is causing this and she would be willing to go to a support group for people that live with other depressed partners. I thought that was nice, but I haven't really even been diagnosed as "depressed". By reading the symptoms, I do admit that it could be so I will just continue with the counselor for help.

 

I am noticing other women at the moment, not sexually but just observing them if they smile at me or maybe have short conversation in the coffee shop before work. I find myself wondering if another person would be different. I know this will bring out a lot of "grass is not greener" comments, but I really do wonder if I am sad or not energetic towards our relationship because we may not be meant for each other. I am not the only one to think this. She has said this during a couple of arguements as well.

 

Right now...I just don't know what is best. I really need answers....just seems like we are butting heads and our interests are at different places at the moment. Thank you all again for posting comments. It really does help to read what you think.

 

SF

[SF33M]

Thanks for your child comments. I do believe that the "hand grenade" would explode right now if that were to happen. Can I ask, are you married? If so, you mention that you do not have children...do you want them?

 

I have mentioned to my wife that I need a year or so recently and she counts the time we were trying to get pregnant a year ago as that time. She gives me the "you were ready then, why not now" question. The catch 22 is that trying to be romantic and bring back the "spark" and passion into the relationship is tough when I have asked maybe we could try toys or lingerie like we used to do when we were single and nothing ever happens. Also, try bringing a condom into the middle of a romantic session....I am fine with it but she just gets this look of disgust on her face and seems to turn her off immediately. I do not want her to go back on the pill but she dislikes the whole condom thing..she says she feels like something is wrong with her if we have to use those since it has been so long. It all feels so forced...

[Karlise13]

Hi SF

 

Yeah, sounds like a rocky road you are on right now.

 

I am not married but in a long-term committed monogamous relationship....so it's like we're married without the piece of paper.

 

I am not planning having children. I 've given the topic a lot of thought and read many many books, talked to lots of parents, etc.

It's not an option I want to pursue.

I have a demanding career that I don't want to put on hold.

I have lots of hobbies I want time for.

I am a writer part-time and need solitude and personal space (not much of that around with a child!)

I also have no URGE whatsoever to have children. Some people are not cut out for it.

I am perfectly happy with my decision, as is my BF, but we know other people think differently and think we are selfish.

 

That's a whole 'nother thread though...don't get me started!

 

LOL

 

Lots of people have told me that when they're trying to get pregnant the passion seems to die down quite a lot.

 

I guess it's the pressure?

 

I think asking for a year to get things in order is perfectly reasonable.

 

Your wife needs to be realistic about what the first year of having a child is like. She might start helping some of her parent friends take care of an infant to realize how much work it is.

Maybe she could 'borrow' a baby for a few days!

 

Sounds funny, but if your marriage is shaky she needs to realize that time together is crucial and an infant doesn't allow for that