Do you wish you didn't marry in the first place?

[sally12adams]

Reading these threads and posts of people stuck in unhappy marriages, people being betrayed, people going through divorces, people in messy situations, I wonder if there is a point in getting married, thinking that the person you say "I do" to will be with you through the years without doing anything that will make you cry.

 

I want to find that someone though sometimes dating gets too tiring and other people's unhappy marriages are even more tiring to read.

 

So would you still have gone through the dating and walking to the altar if you had known your outcome?

[beenburned]

Sally,

All relationships require work and committment.(married or not)

 

There are never any quaranties that any relationship will last for the long run. And ALL relationships have their ups and downs because people are just human, not perfect.

 

I will NEVER regret getting married or having my kids!(just did it too young)

 

The ONLY thing that I would have changed in my past is:

 

I would have gone to college directly after high school graduation. I then would have a degree to get a better paying job.

 

I would have lived out on my OWN to experience the self esteem of knowing I could support myself without a man.(in case I ever wanted out of a bad marriage/relationship)

 

You seem to be focusing on all the negative aspects of your friend's lives.

I'm sure they had lots of positive moments or else they would have just divorced.

 

Even if half of all marriages end in divorce, that still leaves JUST as many that LAST the long run!

[RickFox]

Did I get married too young? Quite possibly.

 

Do I regret it or wish I'd never done it? No. I wouldn't have my beautiful daughter.

 

Were my actions reprehensible and regrettable and do I wish I'd never had an affair? Oh you betcha. Hindsight is 20/20 and living on wishes and regrets gets you nowhere.

 

Life is all about taking chances, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose but you make a decision and stick with it and if you don't like the way it's going, you make another decision.

[sally12adams]

It just seems easier to give up. I'm tired of trying, tired of looking for people to date, tired of the issues that come with it. And you may end up marrying someone that would betray you.

 

BTW, I have no plans of having kids (not saying that is the only thing out of a marriage) but I cannot appreciate what I know of people saying that the best thing they got out of a marriage, even if it was bad, was their kids.

[Spark1111]

Reading these threads and posts of people stuck in unhappy marriages, people being betrayed, people going through divorces, people in messy situations, I wonder if there is a point in getting married, thinking that the person you say "I do" to will be with you through the years without doing anything that will make you cry.

 

I want to find that someone though sometimes dating gets too tiring and other people's unhappy marriages are even more tiring to read.

 

So would you still have gone through the dating and walking to the altar if you had known your outcome?

 

Here is my difference: I chose my H; I chose to get married. I chose to have children, three!

 

No one put a gun to my head to do any of the above.

 

As an adult, I OWN my choices. My commitment to my choices defines my character and my maturity.

 

Of course there has been heartbreak. I cannot control the choices of others, even those that I love.

 

I can only control me and I regret nothing.

[beenburned]

Sally,

We are not saying the best thing out of our marriages were the children.

 

Even marriages that eventually end, do it gradually. And all of them started out with 2 people that loved each other enough to marry and committ.

 

All marriages and relationships have their ups and downs. If you choose never to give love a chance, then you are choosing to be alone simply because there is a chance of you might get hurt/left.

[Radagast]

Reading these threads and posts of people stuck in unhappy marriages, people being betrayed, people going through divorces, people in messy situations, I wonder if there is a point in getting married, thinking that the person you say "I do" to will be with you through the years without doing anything that will make you cry.

 

I want to find that someone though sometimes dating gets too tiring and other people's unhappy marriages are even more tiring to read.

 

So would you still have gone through the dating and walking to the altar if you had known your outcome?

 

I definitely regret my first marriage. I was young, insecure, and succumbed to pressure. I married for all the wrong reasons.

 

I give thanks every day for my second marriage. I would never wish that away whatever the future holds. The time we have already had together has made everything worthwhile.

[spice4life]

I don't regret my marriage at all for two reasons. First and by far THE most important is my two wonderful daughters! They are a TRUE gift! And secondly, I learned a lot about myself and the experience, while negative at times, made me who I am today.

 

I would definitely get married again, only this time, to a person who I KNOW is a great match for me. I do not have one single regret. Sure, I didn't live "according" to conventional society standards, but who cares? I am happy with my life and happy with who I have become.

[thomasb]

I am only glad that I was allowed to continue my marriage. I would not give up one day I have spent with my wife. Even the truly awful monthes following my affair. The shame and self disgust over my actions was almost overwhelming. But we got through it together and are so much stronger.

[sally12adams]

Sally,

We are not saying the best thing out of our marriages were the children.

 

Even marriages that eventually end, do it gradually. And all of them started out with 2 people that loved each other enough to marry and committ.

 

All marriages and relationships have their ups and downs. If you choose never to give love a chance, then you are choosing to be alone simply because there is a chance of you might get hurt/left.

 

It is partly scared of being hurt but it is also partly because I am tired of finding that someone. Love is elusive for me. I never seem to find it. It has been so long.

[oldshirt]

I'm gonna throw in a little different perspective here and say that reading these forums can be toxic and unhealthy for you. Reading people's stories of pain and misery can really give someone a bad attitude and a distorted view of the world.

 

When you are reading someone's story of heartbreak and pain you are reading but one little soundbite out of their lives and you are also probably reading their firsthand account of the single worst thing to happen to them in their lives and you are reading about a few months worth or even a few years worth of pain and heartbreak out of a 78.7 year lifespan.

 

People often spill their guts here because it feels good to get it out but then they don't come back a year or two later when their life is back on track and they are fundamentally happy and functional again.

[oldshirt]

Now to address your actual question, but again it is from a little different perspective.

 

I am currently happily married but I realize that things change over time and that the day could come where my wife disengages from me, has an affair, scams all my assets and leaves me pennyless and seeing my kids every other weekend.

 

Even though that would be heartbreaking and suck terribly, I can't see how it would negate the fact that we have had 16 good years and two awesome kids together and have had many wonderfull times and in many ways were probably the best years of my life.

 

It would be truly sad and heartbreaking to have that end but in life all things end and even life it'self ends some day. Things coming to an end does not take away the past or negate the joy and happiness of the pass.

 

Endings while painfull are often no more than a transition to a new beginning.

 

IMHO the people that suffer the most from relationships ending are the ones that beleive in one true sould mate and one true love. They believe that they had one shot at love and when that ends they feel they will no longer experience love or any of the things it brings.

 

I do not believe that. I think the capacity of people to heal and to love are boundless and without end. It may be difficult, messy and inefficient and my not be quick or easy but it is not something that just ends.

[Fight4Me]

oldshirt, you have a refreshing perspective, and one that everyone should endeavor to have.

 

As for me, I have over 20 years of marriage with the only man I have ever been in love with... and when I say "in love," I'm talking the kind that still makes my heart skip a beat if I see a truck that looks like his while I'm out running errands, or when I wake up and just watch him sleeping peacefully next to me.

 

His six weeks of betrayal was horrifyingly painful, but not enough to throw away what we had. In the immediate aftermath of DDay, I believed my marriage had been brutally murdered and all that I had known and loved (except my children) had been a lie. After doing the hard work of clawing our way to successful reconciliation, I no longer believe that. It is just now one more "story" from our past - a valley we both trudged through to get to the next mountain top.

 

And thank God we both did that together because, sure enough, we fell over another cliff when our youngest daughter almost died. There, again, is another near-miss tragedy that has become apart of the history of our marriage.

 

Marriage, to say the least, is not bliss. It is freakin' hard work! It takes constant productive communication, and sometime it truly is both of you against the world because life.... LIFE is HARD! Love is both a feeling and a verb, and sometimes you have to work the love when the feeling wanes, but it pays off because the feeling is always there and comes back stronger for those who fight for it.

 

I don't have a single regret. There's even a part of me that is glad for his transgression, because it forced him to really examine himself to the point of profound change... the kind of change that, for him, I'm not sure would have happened under any other circumstance.

 

Would I do it all again? Yes! Every single solitary moment. Well, I admit that I may have gone with a wedding dress with less poofier sleeves, but that's pretty much it.

[MissBee]

Reading these threads and posts of people stuck in unhappy marriages, people being betrayed, people going through divorces, people in messy situations, I wonder if there is a point in getting married, thinking that the person you say "I do" to will be with you through the years without doing anything that will make you cry.

 

I want to find that someone though sometimes dating gets too tiring and other people's unhappy marriages are even more tiring to read.

 

So would you still have gone through the dating and walking to the altar if you had known your outcome?

 

 

I've not been married yet and still hope to do so one day. I understand where you're coming from totally but funnily, the more I read people's stories and observe in real life, the more I learn and the more optimistic I am.

 

Most, if not all, relationship problems don't materialize out of thin air. Most start with the individual and their own problems, then that translates into the problems of the couple as a unit. From what I read and see it makes me more aware about my own issues and just how challenging relationships can be and what you have to be cognizant of.

 

I think that's how I perceive it. I feel like so many people who marry are ignorant...and ignorant in that they are just ill-prepared and really unaware. It's like showing up for a standardized exam, having kind of heard of it but having never studied. It's almost guaranteed that most who do this will not pass. Then there are those who have studied, have taken practice tests, have learned the concepts, have learned the test, etc....they may not get 100%, outside factors like nerves etc may affect their performance...but they're already coming out ahead most likely by having that preparation and awareness. That's how I feel. I think reading this board, having been in an A before, seeing my parents' relationship and others', I am seeing the behind the scenes, the mistakes I've made and that people in general make and am learning for my own future some things to avoid and work on. I think it's helped my mentality towards relationships esp. marriage and I do feel like before I get into a marriage I have so many more tools and things to think about and prepare for versus if I was living on some cloud or believing in unrealistic fairytales.

[LoveTKO]

I keep on hearing that marriage is like a public toilet; those on the outside are desperate to get in, and those on the inside are desperate to come out.

[MissBee]

Now to address your actual question, but again it is from a little different perspective.

 

I am currently happily married but I realize that things change over time and that the day could come where my wife disengages from me, has an affair, scams all my assets and leaves me pennyless and seeing my kids every other weekend.

 

Even though that would be heartbreaking and suck terribly, I can't see how it would negate the fact that we have had 16 good years and two awesome kids together and have had many wonderfull times and in many ways were probably the best years of my life.

 

It would be truly sad and heartbreaking to have that end but in life all things end and even life it'self ends some day. Things coming to an end does not take away the past or negate the joy and happiness of the pass.

 

Endings while painfull are often no more than a transition to a new beginning.

 

IMHO the people that suffer the most from relationships ending are the ones that beleive in one true sould mate and one true love. They believe that they had one shot at love and when that ends they feel they will no longer experience love or any of the things it brings.

 

I do not believe that. I think the capacity of people to heal and to love are boundless and without end. It may be difficult, messy and inefficient and my not be quick or easy but it is not something that just ends.

 

Love this post

 

Sooo very true!

[MissBee]

oldshirt, you have a refreshing perspective, and one that everyone should endeavor to have.

 

As for me, I have over 20 years of marriage with the only man I have ever been in love with... and when I say "in love," I'm talking the kind that still makes my heart skip a beat if I see a truck that looks like his while I'm out running errands, or when I wake up and just watch him sleeping peacefully next to me.

 

His six weeks of betrayal was horrifyingly painful, but not enough to throw away what we had. In the immediate aftermath of DDay, I believed my marriage had been brutally murdered and all that I had known and loved (except my children) had been a lie. After doing the hard work of clawing our way to successful reconciliation, I no longer believe that. It is just now one more "story" from our past - a valley we both trudged through to get to the next mountain top.

 

And thank God we both did that together because, sure enough, we fell over another cliff when our youngest daughter almost died. There, again, is another near-miss tragedy that has become apart of the history of our marriage.

 

Marriage, to say the least, is not bliss. It is freakin' hard work! It takes constant productive communication, and sometime it truly is both of you against the world because life.... LIFE is HARD! Love is both a feeling and a verb, and sometimes you have to work the love when the feeling wanes, but it pays off because the feeling is always there and comes back stronger for those who fight for it.

 

I don't have a single regret. There's even a part of me that is glad for his transgression, because it forced him to really examine himself to the point of profound change... the kind of change that, for him, I'm not sure would have happened under any other circumstance.

 

Would I do it all again? Yes! Every single solitary moment. Well, I admit that I may have gone with a wedding dress with less poofier sleeves, but that's pretty much it.

 

Love this post as well!

 

Your story is one that helps me as well. As at some point in time I did believe marriage was supposed to be mostly bliss and I considered love as more of a feeling versus a verb. I do think not only reconciliation stories but the mentalities of those still in As, those after As, those who ended their marriage etc.....everything paints a picture of how this love thing works and doesn't work.

[SoMovinOn]

I don't regret either marriage. My first one was all wrong from the beginning, but, it taught me a lot of things I needed to know. I don't regret my current M. It was what we needed at the time. We were perfect together for many years. There were so many good things we shared together. Even though it's over now, what we had before is something I'll always carry with me.

[Severely Unamused]

I'm going to have to bump this thread just because I find it so interesting, what with all the heartbreak and angst that you find in certain boards on LS.

 

I don't regret my relationship with my husband at all, despite the unfortunate way that it ended. We have been best friends for over three decades (hopefully that won't be changing) and we both had a good run while it lasted.

 

No doubt that there were some major f*ck ups from both of us. And there was quite a bit of heartbreak. But pain is just another part of life. Some of the most useful lessons in life can be gleaned from pain (such as the importance of noticing specific body language when dealing with a labrador puppy).

 

Also, I have a wonderful son and I enjoy being a mother.

 

Actually getting married? I could take it or leave it.