One month NC

[robaday]

And I feel worse. I was the dumper. She began pushing me for more commitment after only seeing each other for 3 months (spending 4 nights a week with each other). She guilt tripped me when I was doing things without her etc.

 

Truth is I wasnt really doing anything wrong. I mean yes I still maintained an active social life outside of her, but I spent the bulk of the weekends with her. She issued an ultimatum saying that she would leave me if I didnt give her more. I was insulted, angry and disappointed in her, and told her where the door was.

 

She seems to hate me now and I have no idea why. I didnt want to be manipulated or rushed into a relationship is all. And she has lashed out after the break up, accusing me of using her etc. Worse of all I miss her, but I have no idea why she felt the need to make me feel so terrible. I loved her.

[ScienceGal]

How old are you?

 

It's quite likely that her lashing out is just hurt feelings and 'hating' you is her way of moving on. But you're right, you shouldn't be guilted into a relationship and if she was showing signs of jealousy and trying to be in every aspect of your life, then she needs to get a grip. I asked about age, because she's is acting the way I used to act when I was late teens/early twenties.

 

If you're still thinking about her/missing her, why don't you call her and set up a time to talk? Explain to her how you're feeling and what you would need for a relationship to work (trust, low stress, some time for your own life). If she doesn't have much going on in her life without you, she should take the opportunity to branch out and get hobbies/new friends (whether you repair things or not). She should understand that a healthy relationship requires time apart from the other person (personal space).

 

I must say that I was drawn to your post because I just dated a guy for 3 months and I wonder if he misses me. I feel a little ridiculous for being so affected by a short relationship, but I am a very emotional person. I really like him, but I left because I thought he wasn't ready for a relationship (we had a long conversation that ended in us agreeing that we would no longer date since my wants/needs had changed). But then he called a week later (last weekend) to tell me that the truth was that he was really into me, but that I have 'boundary issues' that prevented him from being able to be in a relationship with me. He told me he had been upset and had even cried! I was crushed to learn he wanted a relationship with me, but was still walking away (guess that makes him the dumper). I am a warm and loving person and have never been accused of having boundary issues before. In my opintion, it was him projecting his fears and insecurities from past relationships onto me. I really miss him and wish he would call... but by him not, I keep telling myself that he still doesn't have faith it would work out.

 

Do you have faith in a relationship with her? Can you both be happy?

[YouNeverKnow86]

How old are you?

 

It's quite likely that her lashing out is just hurt feelings and 'hating' you is her way of moving on. But you're right, you shouldn't be guilted into a relationship and if she was showing signs of jealousy and trying to be in every aspect of your life, then she needs to get a grip. I asked about age, because she's is acting the way I used to act when I was late teens/early twenties.

 

If you're still thinking about her/missing her, why don't you call her and set up a time to talk? Explain to her how you're feeling and what you would need for a relationship to work (trust, low stress, some time for your own life). If she doesn't have much going on in her life without you, she should take the opportunity to branch out and get hobbies/new friends (whether you repair things or not). She should understand that a healthy relationship requires time apart from the other person (personal space).

 

I must say that I was drawn to your post because I just dated a guy for 3 months and I wonder if he misses me. I feel a little ridiculous for being so affected by a short relationship, but I am a very emotional person. I really like him, but I left because I thought he wasn't ready for a relationship (we had a long conversation that ended in us agreeing that we would no longer date since my wants/needs had changed). But then he called a week later (last weekend) to tell me that the truth was that he was really into me, but that I have 'boundary issues' that prevented him from being able to be in a relationship with me. He told me he had been upset and had even cried! I was crushed to learn he wanted a relationship with me, but was still walking away (guess that makes him the dumper). I am a warm and loving person and have never been accused of having boundary issues before. In my opintion, it was him projecting his fears and insecurities from past relationships onto me. I really miss him and wish he would call... but by him not, I keep telling myself that he still doesn't have faith it would work out.

 

Do you have faith in a relationship with her? Can you both be happy?

 

I too just got out of a short term relationship (3 months long) and it sucks! These breakups tend to be bad because it comes out of nowhere and the fall is just as hard as the rise.

[ScienceGal]

I too just got out of a short term relationship (3 months long) and it sucks! These breakups tend to be bad because it comes out of nowhere and the fall is just as hard as the rise.

 

This one is hard for me because he is a great man (though obviously struggling with insecurities he cannot even see). The chemistry was there, the conversation, the humor. We had both just begun to open up, I was scared and excited at the same time. For the first time in a LONG time, I was hopeful. I saw a future with someone that I thought was good for me. But now, it's back to square one.

[robaday]

I guess for me, when I start seeing someone, I dont drop everything else in my life. I still go out with friends on Fri/or Sat night, still exercise, do freelance work etc, esp in early stages. Im 30 by the way and she was 25.

 

After say, six months these things would fall away a little and Id be more willing to compromise. But in the first 3 months, I dont really expect to be in a full on commited relationship.

 

She thought I was immature for going out and partying without her. Which is fine, I respect that, but hey? it's my life, I enjoy drinking with mates in the little free time I have. In the end, I just got sick of feeling like I was doing something wrong living my life.

 

My view on relationships (and perhaps this is where I go wrong) is this: Ive got a really busy life, I work long hours, and have freelance in my spare time, plus exercise. I also am pretty happy being single. If someone wants to be with me, I just want them to accept that I am a busy guy, I dont have an issue with monogamy, but I wont be changed, at least in short term relationships. My career etc, are actually more important to me.

 

Re: calling her up. The last month of being together we discussed this over and over again. In fact, every week there was another argument. And she just didnt see where I was coming from - I tried to explain that I was into her, loved her and wanted it to work, but she was pushing me away. She just argued back at me, over it. So I couldnt see it getting any better and after one final argument I left.

[YouNeverKnow86]

This one is hard for me because he is a great man (though obviously struggling with insecurities he cannot even see). The chemistry was there, the conversation, the humor. We had both just begun to open up, I was scared and excited at the same time. For the first time in a LONG time, I was hopeful. I saw a future with someone that I thought was good for me. But now, it's back to square one.

 

 

I think insecurities did my ex in as well. I feel the same way as you do and it just sucks they throw it all away. We too had great chemistry, would talk hours upon hours in the beginning and would hang out pretty much all the time/everyday during the summer; I think this was what did us in. I am teacher so I was off most of the summer and she is still in college so we had a lot of free time during the summer. We probably hung out way too much and moved the relationship too fast. I never saw it as an issue but it was for her apparently, the problem is that this was never communicated too me. This is why I feel like there are other problems at hand that we never really know (that cause some of these short term breakups).

 

See the thing is, I am 25 (soon to be turning 26) and ready to settle down. I have had my fair share of dating and experiences and I know what I want. She is 22, I need to date girls more my age so stuff like this doesn't happen again. When I was 22 I took many things for granted and you just don't realize it is hard to find someone you really click with. Now I know once I meet someone I really click with I don't let it slip away..........She just threw it all away out of nowhere, it is unreal.

Edited December 11, 2011 by YouNeverKnow86

[ScienceGal]

 

Re: calling her up. The last month of being together we discussed this over and over again. In fact, every week there was another argument. And she just didnt see where I was coming from - I tried to explain that I was into her, loved her and wanted it to work, but she was pushing me away. She just argued back at me, over it. So I couldnt see it getting any better and after one final argument I left.

 

I'm sorry. It seems you both want something different in a relationship. There doesn't seem to be a 'bad guy' here. Even though you said you're ok being single, most people long for affection and a connection to another human being. You just need to find someone that wants the same things you do in a partnership. Your upset and saddness might be frustration over the fact that she couldn't be what you needed her to be (and vice versa in her mind).

 

And, I understand everything else you wrote too. I have a busy life myself. I remember one of my exes was busy like me, and for days we'd only see each other when it was time to go to bed. I loved sleeping next to him and that was enough for me because I was happy otherwise (very important).

Edited December 11, 2011 by ScienceGal