What should the other woman do?

[sinner]

Sorry, I would NEVER cheat on my future hubby and he would never cheat on me..

 

 

Never say "never."

 

Life is funny that way...

[shortbus74]

Sorry sinner but as I like to say "my mother taught me respect" and his "mother taught him respect"

 

We were both cheated on in previous relationships and the pain that you feel is unbearable, we decided before we were serious about each other that we would never do this to one another....

[EnigmaXOXO]

I know with absolute certainty that *I* would never betray anyone like that...just as I know I would never molest a child, rob a bank or murder someone just for the h*ll of it.

 

But I could never claim with 100% certainty that anyone I was with wouldn't either. It doesn't matter how well I think I know them or how confident I am with their character. But I don't dwell on the "what ifs" or make anyone promise me "never" or "forever." People can change. I have been surprised by what they are capable of doing more often then not.

 

Instead, I live each day one at a time hopeful that things will remain the same...but always prepared in the event of the worst. I have absolutely no fear of someone else's behavior because I am confident in "me" and my ability to pull through.

[therresa kennedy]

Hello Sinner,

 

Got something to confess? Yes, life is funny that way, we older folks, in our late thirties know that better than some don't we? and we will often do things we never thought we were orgininally capable of. I am no better than many of the messed up people in this world, I have made some collosal mistakes in my time. But I do consider myself something of an unofficial expert on the motivations, and reasons behind infidelity, why it exists and WHY women of this ilk pursue married men, and also WHY Married men pursue single women, which of course is also patently excusable. It really is one of the biggest mistakes women and men can make. In my own personal experience, I had the uncanny misfortune of having my husband betray me with a couple of psyhco's who (at the time) probably should have been on serious medication.

 

These two gals would stop at nothing to get my husband, it became like this sick vendetta against me or something. They were of a particular breed and were particularly vengeful, particularly this ghastly one who was several years older than my husband, she would mail me these stupid quotes, anonymously SHE thought. Various hate letters also, I always knew it was her, her "signature", meaning the manner in which she put these little ditties together was always sloppy and identical each time. She was also sending hate letters and postcards to my husband's work at the time. We finally had to take the woman to court, which was stressful and a joke, now I can look back and laugh at the comedy of errors it turned out to be, though I did get lucky enough to get one of the best hot shot lawyers here in town.

 

I will agree that most people tend to fall into infidelity because of 1.) opportunity, 2.) a selfish need, or feeling of loneliness 3.) they know they can get away with it, and 4.) they don't fully understand what some of the consequences may turn out being. Most other women/men probably aren't crazy ogres but the risk of course is that you are going to encounter as I did, a couple of truly crazy women who had done this kind of thing before, got off on the control of it and would stop at nothing to get the husband they swore they HAD to have. These are the same kind of women who once they have the coveted prize, THE MAN, they become bored with him, and end up dumping him after all the excitement is gone. Meaning once THE WIFE departs, gets on with her life and chooses not to be used like some kind of weird appendage so the couple can have tittilating and exciting sex, thinking of her sniveling in her living room, pining for her absent man.

 

I promise you, the wife in many of these cases is SOOOO much a part of the triangle. Look at poor Princess Diana, once she was killed in that tragic accident, old Charles and Camilila haven't been going at it in nearly the same way AT ALL! Diana is no longer around to play the part of the betrayed, dumped on wife, so THEY can feel like smug naughty children. Look at Betty Broderick, and how SHE was harassed and continually dumped on by her ex-husband and his new OTHER WOMAN/WIFE, she was tormented for years with lawsuits, hateful letters, Linda Kolkena sending her packets on face cream, and weight loss programs. Finally poor old Betty lost it after years of being used in this way, and not having the proper support, she blew them both away one cold fall morning, turning herself in to the police less than an hour later. Obviously, HER case is an extreme case, but it does point to what can happen when these things go awry and people, namely the WIFE is so abused, and in her case completely abandoned.

 

And let us examine now what it did to ME on a spiritual and ethical level. I had been one of the sweetest, nicest most naive girls around, totally devoted to my husband and our child. The first time my husband became involved with a woman who had very blatantly chased him, had wholeheartedly pursued him I had been quite innocent. Naturally I had been devastated. I stewed for years, and all this while he and I kept running into her because she lived so close to us here in town. After the affair had stopped, after my husbands confession to me, I took three letters she had written me, denying many things, but admitting to other things as well, made photo copies, mailed them to her parents, along with a five page letter of my own, totally exposed her and shamed her in the eyes of her family, something I still do NOT regret doing. Then after she did crazy things like walk by our apartment several times, many years after the fact, I did other things to get back at her. Understand that by now, my husband DETESTED her completely.

 

I destroyed a friendship she had had with an old lover of hers, and I sent her many hateful letters and did everything I could to hurt her. I went above and beyond what the situation called for. I became extremely vindictive, my character altered drastically. I will never regret the original letters to her parents, and there were even some other things I did that I will not regret, but there were many things, the situation with her old boyfriend that I DO regret. It took me many years to see how this horrible experience with an equally horrible woman had altered and damaged my character to such an extent that if ANYONE crossed me, I was in combat gear, ready to duke it out, in a manner of speaking.

 

I just think that it is the worst of mistakes one can make, and those who decide to indulge will sooner or later pay the piper. They WILL pay a price and lose in many instances that which is most precious to them.

 

Best Regards, Therresa Kennedy

[Mr Spock]

I never say never either. I like to think I would never rob a store or hurt someone but we all have the capacity for it. I just try and live my life.

[noemie]

I am presently involve with a married man (emotionally not physically).We were childhood friends but now live in different states so we don't really see each other physically.It's mostly email,IM and occasional tel. conversations.How we got in touch after 10 or more years is a long story.I don't expect those who never experienced extramarital affairs to understand those who had.It's something that's never right and I won't try to make excuses for my actions.But I don't think anyone is in a position to condemn those who committed this sin.I think extramarital affair is like a dose of heroin .It gives a person a high of romance that it's addictive.That sometimes no moral teachings or advices from friends helps a person overcome this destructive behavior.Before my involvement with this affair I always considered myself as morally righteous.I had my first boyfriend when I was 23 yrs. old and married him at 26,no premarital sex during our three yrs. relationship before marriage.I am a church going person,came from a good family and I graduated high school top of my class.I'm not trying to flaunt myself.My message is that not all cheaters are by nature bad people.Right now, I am in struggling phase to right what is wrong but I think this is so far hardest thing that I have to overcome.I don't need anybody's advice because I know that it is wrong.

[sinner]

Theresa,

 

I'm not without controversy on LS in my previous incarnations. Do I have things I wish to confess? Yes, but don't we all.

 

I agree that affairs are often, not always, catastrophic to the players and innocent bystanders. As in your case, affairs have their fair share of loons, psychos and wackos. But then you can find people like that in conventional relationships.

 

What I fight against, with much less ardor than I used to, is the demonization of people who cheat, have an affair, become emotionally and sexually involved with someone while either or both are married.

 

The heart is a funny thing. Desire cannot be programmed. Love cannot not always be cabined. Passion does not always lie in the marital bed.

 

People have affairs, especially long-term ones, for the same reasons they fall in love: they like and are emotionally, physically and intellectually drawn to the person. It's all about excitement, passion, great sex, the forbidden: being consumed by the moment when you fade into someone else's being. People often have affairs because they fall in love. I know: love is no excuse. But that's easier said than felt.

 

It's tough defending cheaters on a keyboard. Text lends itself to moralisms and absolutes. Life, on the other hand, is varied, textured, situational--inarticulate. It's a debate that I'll always lose in this forum given the intensity that people feel about this issue. No one questions their deepest convictions on a keyboard.

 

As long as there are people and marriages there will be affairs. Folks can demonize, condemn, castigate, insult and flame affair participants until the cows come home. That won't change this basic fact: Sometimes good, loving, decent adults will fall deeply in love with someone who is not their spouse, and this love, passion and pleasure will be reciprocated. Desire is no respecter of vows.

 

Life, with all its curves and surprises, trumps the keyboard with its straight-line articulation of morality.

 

Is having an affair wrong? Yes, it is. Only because you wall off a huge chunk of your life from your spouse and someone other than your spouse becomes the source of pleasure. And when the affair ends, and affairs always end, your spouse has become a stranger in bed and the marriage, in an emotional and sexual sense, is over. When these dead husk marriages involve young children that is a tragedy.

 

So where am I in this great debate? Affairs are bad because they emotionally hurt people and possibly wreck marriages. People who have affairs, however, are usually not bad, evil or skanky and we should resist demonizing them regardless of how good our sermonizing makes us feel. (I'm not referring to you, Theresa. You have subtlety, which is usually in very short supply on these infidelity threads.). We are just human, all-to-human. Cheaters are not terrorists of the heart.

 

So I tip my hat to my fellow sinners who have the courage and thick hide to come out. Now, if we only had the courage to end our affairs...

[Mr Spock]

[shortbus74]

Still wondering why you would even subject yourself to becoming the "third wheel".....

 

Is it that hard to find your own single man or woman?

 

They are out there you just have to look... and quit dwelling on a life that will never be real.......

 

Sorry this is how I feel...................

[istilllovehim]

To therresa kennedy:

 

I am not currently with a MM. As I said, all relationships are unique. My xMM was an old flame from high school. When he pursued me in March, I told him that I would not do to a wife what I didn't want done to me. If he wanted to date me, he had to tell his wife upfront. He did. She knew of our relationship from the very beginning. So I was never hidden in the closet. I would not accept that. What I did accept, and remorseful about, is that I allowed him to live with me knowing full well that he would return to his wife, as most do. It was pure hell, hurting him, hurting me, hurting her and hurting the children. We ended our relationship. Even though his wife and I were never friends, we do still talk. She is hurt and has questions that I have the answers to. And her children who are 10 mos. and 3 yrs. bonded with me and my son so we maintain a relationship for them. I have told her I was sorry many times. I am still sorry because her husband tells her that he is still in love with me. I will not see or talk to her husband anymore. It was a huge mistake that cannot be taken back. I do still love him and have since I was 17 years old (I am 26 now) but I will not allow him to hurt his family like that anymore. If you love someone, you want whats best for them. Being with his children as they grow is best for him. Especially with an unstable mother as her, she is bipolar. So I have moved on. I am with a SG now and I am happier that I have been in years. He can give me emotions that a MM never could.

 

I just wanted to share my story with you because I do love the xMM and he does love me, but with love there are sacrifices.

[mrssal]

Don't be a home wrecker and mess up innocent childrens lives for your own selfish needs......

[therresa kennedy]

Hello miss I still love him,

 

It sounds like you have really moved on, congratulations, every woman deserves a relationship that is based on an honest level of give and take. I also understand that all relationships are unique, this is very true. Temptation and desire are hard things to battle.

 

I accept that you HAVE moved on, but I do take issue with one thing, in your recent post you make a couple of snide remarks about your former MM's wife, being a bad mother, unstable and bipolar. Do we really need to know that? and just because you say it is so, doesn't mean people are going to believe it. Do you feel you were in any way a contributing factor to this womans alleged mental illness. Also, the remark about how she has questions and YOU are the only one who has these answers is also a little smug. I bet you big time, that SHE has answers too. She, I am presuming has lived with this man for several years while you have not. She would thereby "know" him far better don't you think? The constant day to day reveals a great deal.

 

A lot of what you say sounds too much like the typical other woman getting snippy about the character of her MM's wife, almost like a justification for what happened. I would cut off any and all ties with this woman, it is not healthy, and there can never be any real trust or regard in a supposed "friendship" with this woman, not after you betrayed her with her husband. She will more than likely always resent you, even if she doesn't admit this.

 

It sounds like you have really learned a lot about this situation and how it hurt so many different people, including innocent children, but I would caution you not to get smug or flippant about this mans wife. You are in no position to pass judgement on her or attempt to present an unflattering picture of her. You have not lived in her shoes, nor has SHE betrayed YOU with YOUR husband, either imaginary or real. I am very glad that you have found a man that is good to you and treats you well, you deserve that kind of upfront and healthy happiness. We all do.

 

Congratulations and good luck to you.

 

Best Regards, Therresa Kennedy

[amerikajin]

Sinner,

 

That's the best damn post I've ever seen on this issue. Period.

[sinner]

Thanks, amerikajin. I manage quality every once in a while. You, my friend, manage it consistently in your first rate posts.

[amerikajin]

When I read your message, I thought that it encapsulated all of the aspects of this discussion. It considered all angles, and it was honest.

[istilllovehim]

Therresa:

 

When I say that I am the only one who has the answers to her questions, I am referring to the relationship of xMM and myself. In 2003 she cheated on MM with her brother in law. She became pregnant as a result and did not know who the father of the child was. MM became suspicious and when the child was three months old he forced a confession out of her. He took a DNA test and confirmed that the child is his. She tells me that she is still working through her reasons for infidelity and understanding his helps her understand hers. I am not saying that this is right but that is how she feels. For the time being, I will answer her questions as I do owe her something for I violated her in the worst way. She does know this man far better than I do. She is his wife and the mother of his children. It will never be any different.

 

As for my comment about the Wife as being a bad mother. NO, I did not say that because she is not a bad mother. I said that she is unstable right now and xMM needs to be there for their kids. She is currently battling a meth addiction and has just been diagnosed in the past month with manic depression. Yes, I do feel that I did contribute to her mental anguish. How couldn't I? She, being a strong person, will admit that right now she does not need to be the sole care giver of their children. She says her mood swings scare her and with her being put through hell from MM and me and her affair, she does not know what she is capable of. She has admitted herself into two Psychiatric facilities in the past two months for her uncontrollable suicidal and homicidal thoughts. I merely suggested that if you love someone, you will want what is best for them and being with his family is best for him right now.

 

I do know that speaking to his wife is a bad idea. She is honest about resenting me and I am honest about being extremely jealous of her and what she has. The communication has almost stopped. However we live in small towns (1,000 people each and only 3 miles away from each other) so we will have to pass and re pass. It was a mistake. I will move on and only hope that their love will be stronger surviving infidelity. I know that I have learned. He was the first and the last MM. Never again. I may always love him or as I am learning maybe love the "him" he used to be or my image of him, but I love my child and myself first.

[therresa kennedy]

Miss I still love him,

 

She does sound incredibly damaged. If all you say is true then I quess she does need a great deal of help and attention. I could never possibly be jealous of a woman in so much pain and going through so much difficulty. I understand the problems with meth addiction, I see so much of it in my town, its everywhere and it takes so many lives.

 

I quess if you are able to be of some support to her then having contact with her is not so bad, I would just be very careful. What a complicated mess, makes me glad my own life in comparison is calmer and less chaotic. Hats off to you, it sounds like you're really a compasionate and aware individual. You have been through a lot and have come out of it a survivor and better for it. Take care and good luck to you.

 

Best Regards, Therresa Kennedy