What should the other woman do?

[Mr Spock]

Just when I'm doing well and begin to think I don't actually CARE about contact from MM I have setbacks. I sent a message to him on Sunday, and I haven't received one back yet. I hate that, it's so rude. PLUS his fricking WIFE was in my aerobics class today-it's so hard on my ego. I know they have history together but it just RILES me that he can play with me and have this perfect life at home. I'm NOT going to send him anything until he replies to me. I mean it. No matter how much I want to. In fact, I'm shutting the computer off now. Why should I sit here and have anxeity over it? I'm not the one unsatisfied with my short dumpy wife and life. And I'm not being mean to MW, it's just hard on my ego.

 

It makes me want to say "Hi, my name is ______, you've seen me around-I'm the one f*cking your husband?"

 

I understand that's cruel, because she is innocent in the situation BUT it's human nature to lash out when you're hurting. ARGGHHH I thought I was doing so well. It appears I'm back to square one.

[fanou22]

I have been reading all the threads in the past three days.

How come when never hear from a MM?

 

I would like to get their opinion instead of their wives.

[Debster]

Probably because there are way more OW who are members than there are MM members.

[kiababy]

The MM are not up all night, tossing and turning, in bed ALONE - worrying about their future with the OW That's a cold hard fact even I acknowledge.

[shamen]

I just have several short comments and then I'm off... what I find so curious about this post is that everyone gets so angry when someone else posts something to criticize the relationship that is being had with the MM.

 

This is an open forum: please do not expect everyone to agree with you. If that is what you expect, as a suggestion, please PM each other. People will post their opinions, whether they agree with you or not, because that is part of what LoveShack is all about.

 

If you want everyone that responds to be an OW/OM, please but in the title of your post, "Only OW/OM respond," but even then, I don't think that it would happen, as the forum is open for anyone to respond.

 

Notice the title of the post: "What should the other woman do?" That certainly leaves the whole post open to people coming in and saying, "Gee, leave the husband," or, "Gee, stay with him." Doesn't it?

 

Please notice that I did not make any judgments in this post about what the other woman should do...

[kiababy]

I hear what you're saying, but I guess what really 'gets' us OW is that we have found a place where we can actually air our thoughts, feelings and experiences - because in the world of the OW there is no one to talk to - and we get bombarded with 'you're so pathetic' and other comments which serve no constructive purpose at all.

 

I've started comparing a relationship with a married man to an addiction to drugs - people not in your situation can't understand why you don't have 'self-control'? I wonder, if you knew someone who was addicted to a drug and it was DESTROYING his/her life....how helpful do you think it would be to say 'you're pathetic'? After you finished putting them down, how willing do you think they would be to open up and ask for help again?

 

And here's the kicker: when I feel attacked by the few (2) people who know about my affair...guess who I turn to? Guess who the only person is in my life who will not be judgmental? That's right - the MM! My personal 'drug dealer', the one person who gives me what makes me feel better. And to those people who keep advising me to 'date single men' - YES I DO DATE SINGLE MEN. However, no matter how great the single guy is, he never seems to measure up to my MM. I know I have issues. That's why I'm here.

[shamen]

Well then, therefore maybe you should sever all contact with the drug and stop hanging around other people who do drugs. Make some new friends who don't do any. That's one of the things that people who do drugs do to quit using.

[kiababy]

But don't they sit in a room with with others who are addicted, like a support group, and talk about their issues? One of which is asknowledging the love of the drug and then trying to discover the underlying reasons for their addiction? I'm so tired of going around and around with all of this in my head - I want to end it, I know I have to end it. Even though half of my posts say I can't live without him and the other half say I need to get away, I'm trying to work through the process. Maybe next time, I WILL actually say goodbye instead of just writing one goodbye speech after another. Also, I'm tired of hearing 'find a single man'. I don't want to leave him and go straight to another guy. I want to make a clean break and be by myself for a while, clear all of this out of my system. That's the hardest thing off all to face.

[otherwomen]

Hi kiababy,

 

I want to clear my ex-MM out of my head too.

God its been so hard. You would think I would by now, its been a year. But its hard because within this year I saw him a few times, we email each other, and plus the hardest part is that our daughter looks just like him. She is so cute. So when I look at her, I think about him.

 

I still do not want him in her life.

It would make things worse.

She is very much taken care and loved here by her "daddy" and brother and sister.

 

It's sad when you find someone you know you are meant to be together, and you can't because its the wrong timing.

 

[Debster]

If she looks so much like her biological dad, aren't you concerned that your husband and other people will notice this?

[kiababy]

I'm glad to hear from, I was wondering how you were doing. I really feel for you, if I broke up with my MM I couldn't handle seeing him around town or staying in touch via email - much less having his child You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for! Big hugs to you.

[otherwomen]

Originally posted by Debster

If she looks so much like her biological dad, aren't you concerned that your husband and other people will notice this?

 

Hi,

 

She does look like him, buy she looks like me too. People always tell me we are clones. No one has noticed anything. Our other daughter looks just like my H, nothing like me.

 

We live in a small town with people who suck and are rumor hungry. We plan on moving soon when my son graduates, in 2 years.

 

She looks like me when I was little.

She has his chunky cheeks and has both of our eyes.

Him and I could have passed as brother and sister. But I'm better looking

I really never thought he was good looking in HS, always thought he was a weezel, and a dork.

 

Actually people still think he is. They said he is butt ugly.

But I was in love.

It didn't matter to me.

 

How are you doing?

When is the big day?

[Debster]

Less than three months away!

i have so much stuff to do.

 

Thanks for asking, btw.

 

You're lucky that she looks a lot like you - especially with living in small town.

[Mr Spock]

I have made a decision.

 

I will ask him to stop by my place next week. I will ask him how he feels about me. I deserve that much. If he replies he has no feelings for me I'll end it. If he replies he DOES have feelings for me I'll ask him where this is going. If I don't like the answer I'll end it.

 

Give me strength!! This is so hard. He was sick yesterday and Monday so I did't hear from him and it drove me CRAZY until I had to send another msg to get him to reply

 

Looks like I'll be ending it, doesn't it?

[otherwomen]

Yes it does hurt.

I have been there with my ex MM.

And now after a year, its still hurtful and a mess, and he still emails me and says hurtful things.

 

I have not seen him this year at all.

I have not talked to him on the phone.

Only a few emails here and there.

And they are mean.

 

I wish he would move to the moon

[shamen]

Kiababy: Yes, while it is true that many people going through recovery go to support groups, usually they are there after they have stopped using. There are not groups out there to support each other to continue the usage of the drug, with good reason.

[mrs.sarah]

I agree shamen.

 

I have the self control to stay away from drugs. I know they are bad for me and will screw up my life.

 

I have the self control to stay away from married men. I know I am bad for them and will screw up their families life.

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Just when I'm doing well and begin to think I don't actually CARE about contact from MM I have setbacks. I sent a message to him on Sunday, and I haven't received one back yet. I hate that, it's so rude. PLUS his fricking WIFE was in my aerobics class today-it's so hard on my ego. I know they have history together but it just RILES me that he can play with me and have this perfect life at home. I'm NOT going to send him anything until he replies to me. I mean it. No matter how much I want to. In fact, I'm shutting the computer off now. Why should I sit here and have anxeity over it? I'm not the one unsatisfied with my short dumpy wife and life. And I'm not being mean to MW, it's just hard on my ego.

 

It makes me want to say "Hi, my name is ______, you've seen me around-I'm the one f*cking your husband?"

 

I understand that's cruel, because she is innocent in the situation BUT it's human nature to lash out when you're hurting. ARGGHHH I thought I was doing so well. It appears I'm back to square one.

 

I just wanted to say that I understand this part. It is so AGRIVATING that you are in love with someone, and they are hurting you, yet they have a perfect life. You want to punish them for hurting you. You don't WANT them to have a perfect life, because THEY ARE THE ONES WHO RUINED YOURS.

 

It's unfair

[kiababy]

Spock, I hope you get the answer you need, whatever that may be. And if he hurts your feelings, don't give him the satisfaction of having 'one for the road'!!!! I feel your sadness babe

 

Otherwomen - when you said you kept in touch via email I had no idea he was sending you mean messsages!!!! He's a bigger a**hole that I thought!

 

What types of things does he say? And why do you write back? If someone was writing mean things to me I would either come up with a zinger to shut his a** up once and for all; example: "it's a good thing you like being butt*****d so much, cuz if you send me one more email like that, I'm gonna leave the police a tip that you flash in front of high schools and your a** is gonna end up in jail"!!!!)........or just ignore him, don't accept his mean words.

[leilab]

Otherwoman,

WOW -- You are a rock. The one reason I did not go through with my pregnancy with my ex-MM was the fact that I don't think I could have looked at my child every day knowing he was from my MM and this person was not in my life. It would have reminded me every day and would have completely prevented me from EVER moving on. I have a lot of respect for the fact that you had the courage I did not.

 

Mr. Spock,

Good luck on you talk - another strong woman that is standing her ground. You guys are much stronger than I ever was. Unless my MM had dumped me I would have never in a million years considered leaving him. You are thinking and making decisions that will make you feel better and put you in the drivers seat. Either way you come out a winner.

 

Kiababy,

DOn't be too hard on yourself. The saying goes "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear". Awareness is half the battle - don't rush yourself. You will know when the time is right and make the correct decision. You know you are not ready to look for someone "single" or anyone else for that matter until you have emotionally resolved your situation with your MM. Keep your eyes open and see the actions he is taking/ or not taking. Learning what he is doing or not doing will eventually sink from your brain into your heart.

[JustBreathe]

i do have some comments to make on this thread. I am a BS but i'm not hear to bash anyone...

 

with regard to the statement that MM doesn't sleep with his wife, or that the sex is no good, my husband told his OW the same thing. that sex with me was no good. that we hardly had sex. fact is sex has always been and still is very and extremely good. we had sex a minimum of 3 times a week. he would go to OW he said because she was always willing and it was easy, she made it convenient, was generous with the flattery, but that he always preferred to have sex with me. I believe that because we do things for each other we know we like and have learned how to please each other intensely over the years. we have incredible sensual sex, like many married couples do. he loves my body and i love his. but a man will have sex with a hole in the wall. with prostitutes. with his hand. sex is different for men. it doesn't matter how good you look or whether the wife keeps herself fit, it isn't about any of that. it's about him. his ego and his need to have it stroked constantly.

 

for a time, he was running from responsibilities, had problems at work and was depressed and angry alot of the time. i sort of became a human symbol of all his problems and while we did have great sex during this time, went out together, did the things married people do, we were all that connected emotionally most of the times. he was mean, impatient with our children and distant. he thought for a time he thought he might leave us and be a single man again. he got very invovled with the OW. they had a real relationship. but it wasn't one based on living together 24/7 and knowing each other like no one else could. it was a fantasy and an escape. it was not a deep enough connection. so, he started not being available to her. telling her he was busy, etc.

 

she did what you say you want to do. she spilled the beans. he can't stand her for it. in fact, he told me that if he saw her lying hurt in the road he would step over her and keep on walking. this he said about a woman he spent hours making love to, talking with, and sharing his feelings with. here, his golden opportunity was given him to leave and be a single man again, and what did he do? he cried like a baby and begged me not to divorce him.

 

i was completely blindsided. it was a blow to the heart i will never get over. then he came clean with other affairs he had in the past and begged me to give him a chance to get some help for himself. that he has emotional problems. well. what could i do? i could have left. but i have 3 boys by this man. we have been together half our lives. planned a future together. it was at least worth a try.

 

he did as he promised. got help - 2 years of therapy and for all intents and purposes it appears he is changing his life. still... my heart is broken and will never heal. i will never feel the same about him again. he knows this and is sad alot of the time, very regretful. but i do not know if i can stay married to him. i feel sorry for him alot of the time. feel sorry for my kids and what they would lose if i made the choice to get out of my marriage.

 

for 22 years he has been my lover, my closest friend, my helpmate, my confidant, my boyfriend, my rock and my security. he will never leave me unless i make him leave and if i do that, i know, he will not go to the OW or any of the previous flingmates he had. he will be sad and alone, and has told me he'd probably make my life miserable by trying to keep contact with me. so i wait. until my children are grown.

 

what his infidelity has done is hurt everyone - the OW included. but it has hurt him most of all. it has left us with half a life. i cannot ever trust him or feel the same way for him again. i should leave, i know, but to do so would hurt my children. so i wait. when they are grown (about 6 years or so), i will reassess things and make my decision to go or stay. in the meantime, i save money, keep a watchful eye and see what happens. some days i can hardly stand it. i feel so trapped. i swear i will go straight away to the lawyer and get a divorce. but then i hear my children laughing with their friends outside in the yard, or talking with their dad and clowning around with him, and i just can't do it. they love him. they need him.

 

do yourself a favor, ladies. stay away from married men. you aren't helping them or their marriages. they aren't happy with themselves and they use you (and put down their wives) to help themselves escape from what ails them instead of dealing with themselves. a man who cheats on his wife is a confused person, full of guilt over his deceitful life. he is not anyone you need. it may be fun for awhile but eventually it all catches up to him and he will hurt you, his wife, and most of all, himself.

 

i don't hate the OW who falls in what she thinks is love with a MM. we all need to feel loved. we all need to be wanted. we all need sex. the OWs i don't understand are the ones who do it habitually with married men. because they aren't thinking of anyone but themselves. they are like my husband is (or used to be, according to him), wrapped up in themselves.

 

women constantly seem to compete with each other for men. why do we do this? they never appreciate us. they don't treat us well once they have us. they are hunters... after prey... once the prey is in their grasp they will roast it and eat it, be full for time, then go out hunting again... leaving us, like old bones to bleach and dry in the sun.

 

cheating men suck the life out of women.

[kiababy]

Justbreathe – I won’t ignore you. Thank you for that perspective on this situation. There is nothing any of the OW – myself included – can ever say to make you feel better, you’ve already been badly hurt. I have never and will never bash my MM’s wife – she has not done anyting to me. I told him that she must be something special, because he loves her. I’m also not under the blind assumption that they do not have sex. It may not be the greatest sex life but as he told me: it does not make him love her any less.

 

‘cheating men suck the life out of women’

 

........truer words have never been said.

 

I’m trying to end it – we all are, that’s why the OW come to this forum.

 

Leilab – thank you thank you thank you – I failed in my resolve to end the relationship last week. You’re right – I’m not emotionally prepared to do it…yet.

[Mr Spock]

Today, I sent my MM a message asking if he'd stop by my house next week-and basically asked if he finds me repulsive or something. He COMPLETELY avoided the question and the proposition. How the hell am I supposed to proceed with my plan if he just avoids things and keeps them light and fluffy and neutral??

 

 

It's SOOOOOOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING

 

 

ACK!!!

 

I need to get this off my chest!! I have to be done with this....I need time to heal.....he's not the kind of guy to lie to me and tell me something he doesn't feel. I just need to get face to face that's all.

[kiababy]

Not good. If you want him to come over so you can end it, you can't let him know you're upset. Wait till he thinks things are calm again, don't play your hand unless he's in a position where he can't fluff you off.

[Mr Spock]

JustBreathe your post was wonderful. This is JUST the kind of thing I needed to read. Why should I settle for any less than wonderful? Why should I settle for being the OW? (before you found out about the affairs I mean)I won't. I won't settle. Dammit.

 

I wish you nothing but joy JB. I really hope that you are able to sort out your heart.

 

It's funny as a OW that I personally believe that cheating is the end of a relationship. Especially as a former cheater. I've been on all ends of it now, and it's ugly.