Deadbeat Friends

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I am having major problems with so called friends. I have always felt that people have never put themselves out for me despite me always being there for my friends. I am fiercely loyal, make loads of effort and people know they can trust me, not to mention how fun I can be. So I get really upset when my friends take me for granted, it keeps happening though so wondering if there is something about me that attracts unrequited friendships??? I will give a few examples of what I mean:

 

I had this friend a few years ago who would only hang out with me when her boyfriend dumped her, however they went through this stage of still occasionally sleeping together whilst broken up, she would arrange to go out with me but then cancel with the most lame excuses which I later found out were used to cover up the fact she was seeing the ex. This made me feel so resentful because I was her shoulder to cry on for ages whilst she went through it, yet she was cancelling on ME so she could have a roll in the hay with the very guy she was crying to me about!!! She eventually got back with him and I never heard from her again!

 

I rapidly made a new friend when I first moved to a new area - she welcomed me, took me out for drinks, spent so much time with me. Then she started putting me down, making comments, was obsessed with one upmanship, and kept arranging to meet and then not turning up, then I later found out she would be around a corner or watching me from a window and getting a kick out of the fact that she was in control as she had stood me up! She then started compulsive lying about really awful things, we eventually just drifted apart.

 

Several of my friends in my old area do the following to me: I have made loads of effort and spend my precious time traveling back to said town so I can spend time with them, however none of them have ever put themselves out to visit me. They have made me several false promises that they will though, now I am in a situation where I live just one hour away from this place and yet they still could not follow through and come to see me when they said they would to cheer me up because they are aware of the difficulties I am having with family right now. I got a text message the night before they were supposed to come giving a really pathetic excuse, it really upset me because I needed to see them having been so depressed and lonely recently. I ignored the message as I was so pissed with them, then she has a dig at me on her Facebook status, I really don't need this with everything else I am having to go through. Makes me sick because l have always been there for them, and when it's their birthday I would make sure I booked a train, got them a present, even spend a load of extra money on a costume if they were all going as something themed like pirates or something. Yet my birthdays have pretty much all been spent alone. Once I even happened to be in town for my birthday and these friends still did not make it out to see me despite me making it so easy for them being right on their door step!

 

I have friends spread secrets and lies about me even though I am so trustworthy myself.

 

There are pals of mine who communicate with people who have screwed me over despite the fact I am loyal to them and would never fraternize with people who they had cut out, makes me think I might as well take their ex husbands for a beer to catch up, see how they like that!

 

Then I have had several mates just dump me which really does hurt as I do nothing wrong, so I am baffled.

 

People who I consider best friends do not feel the same about me, there are always people they prefer above me, I am never chosen as a bridesmaid or Godmother for example. This makes me feel I value them more than they do me.

 

If I organise an event, I only have one or two people turn up, whereas some people I know get a houseful of friends attend their events! This makes me feel so unpopular.

 

Even if they do make it to an event I have organised, they make it all about them and cause loads of drama and conflict.

 

There are friends who use me as a stepping stone to get what they want and once they have achieved this they dispose of me.

 

I have friends who also kick me while I am down, for example most of them know I am very depressed yet are still letting me down and having digs at me on Facebook.

 

Just needed to get this off my chest and rant on here, there are so many other issues I am having to deal with, would make it so much better if I had a large supportive network of friends. Any feedback would be most helpful, how do I deal with these situations when they come up? And am I being paranoid or are my friends definitely neglecting me?

[Savannah323]

Hello,

 

I just finished reading your post and I see some similarities between your experience of friends and mine. I could not tell how old you are from your post. I am 26 years old and I can honestly tell you that this happens.

 

I spent 8 studying my career in the mean time my friends changed like the seasons Once a friend found a significant other, that friend no longer had time to spend with me. In other occasions, friends meet new friends and hang out with those who they shared more interests with. If these friends broke up the their signficiant other, they would seek me out. I was the "single" friend....lol...I didn't have serious relationships due the amt. time i spent studying.

 

My solution was to always have different groups of friends or people to hang out with. I never stuck to one group . I rotated and spent different weekends with different people.

 

Its lonely sometimes, but it works out. Now, It could be 3 months or 6 months before I call a friend. Nevertheless, it is like I just talked to them last week. I do not resent them spending time with others. Its part of having a busy schedule and life.

 

You are a good friend if people keep returning to YOU!! Keep it up and put your needs first.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Hello,

 

I just finished reading your post and I see some similarities between your experience of friends and mine. I could not tell how old you are from your post. I am 26 years old and I can honestly tell you that this happens.

 

I spent 8 studying my career in the mean time my friends changed like the seasons Once a friend found a significant other, that friend no longer had time to spend with me. In other occasions, friends meet new friends and hang out with those who they shared more interests with. If these friends broke up the their signficiant other, they would seek me out. I was the "single" friend....lol...I didn't have serious relationships due the amt. time i spent studying.

 

My solution was to always have different groups of friends or people to hang out with. I never stuck to one group . I rotated and spent different weekends with different people.

 

Its lonely sometimes, but it works out. Now, It could be 3 months or 6 months before I call a friend. Nevertheless, it is like I just talked to them last week. I do not resent them spending time with others. Its part of having a busy schedule and life.

 

You are a good friend if people keep returning to YOU!! Keep it up and put your needs first.

 

I guess you are familiar with feeling used then? It is a shame, although you sound like you take it in your stride which I wish I was able to do. I find myself getting wound up, hurt, angry, offended, resentful and like I want to teach the so called friends a lesson!

 

I have had many different aquaintances over the years but these days only see my very few close friends due to circumstances, yes it does feel really lonely as I am having a load of other problems right now from very toxic family and am really in need of a friend, makes me feel sad that I was always there for people but now I am feeling very low, they are nowhere to be seen. They couldn't even do something as simple as driving to see me, it's not even far for most of them. The fact that they do not respect me enough to give me a good excuse, one of the friends did not even tell me, she left me hanging! It is a disgrace to be honest, after all the effort I have consistently put in for them. Blatantly unrequited and it hurts.

[Savannah323]

Hi,

 

I am sure these friends will or have learned their lessons when they are in need and they cannot find someone to lean on. Friendships are suppose to be positive. If they are hurting you, then I suggest you take a step back from this situation and relocate into something more positive. Try to keep busy in the mean time and you might meet new people through new activities. Stay strong!!

[carhill]

I have always felt that people have never put themselves out for me despite me always being there for my friends. I am fiercely loyal, make loads of effort and people know they can trust me, not to mention how fun I can be.

 

The good news is, along with having a greatly admired and valuable gift, you have choices.

 

If you had to make a choice tomorrow, just one, what would it be, relative to this dynamic?

[The Outlaw]

So called friends? These people are not your friends. Real friends wouldn't stand you up, ditch you, lie to you, or whatever, but would in fact be there for you when you need them. That's awful what they're doing to you.

[Mcnulty]

You know, it's just bad luck that you're friends are so flakey. It is not you who is at fault, it's them.

 

We all have friends who crap on us...everyone has them, but it seems yours are more than most peoples. Hell, my friend even stole my gf recently, you're not alone.

 

You seem to be constantly disappointed by people, I'm sorry for that, but you know, you sound like a really nice person, loyal and caring.

 

I would dis associate myself with the really bad ones..the rest, tell them how you feel so let down by their inaction...a lot of people have busy lives/partners and sometimes they just need telling straight how a friend is feeling.

 

I wish you luck and I'll be your friend anytime! )

[NoMagicBullet]

I don't know how old you are, but all of this sounds very high school. I’m sorry to put it so bluntly, but you sound kind of like the unpopular kid trying to hang out with the popular kids. I hope that’s not the case!

 

I have to admit, I'm a little skeptical of your perception that they have done everything wrong and you have done everything right. Are you sure you don't inadvertently do things that alienate people? Because pretty much everyone at sometime does something for others that they think is nice but the other person is uncomfortable with. And some people do it more often than others.

 

What you say reminds me a lot of my mother. She often complains about her friends not being there for her or including her in things going on with them. She complains a lot about all the wonderful things she does for people and they don't reciprocate. Well, I can say as an outside observer that she doesn't see what she does wrong. She's generous, but in a very over-the-top manner. She often “gives” in ways that she would like, not in ways that would mean something to the other person. It ends up being too much and very pushy, and at least to me, it seems like she’s generous mainly so she can get attention from other people. Kind of like buying friendship by doing these things. She often interacts with people in a very superficial manner and almost forces an attitude of cheerfulness that isn’t always appropriate, thus it seems fake. She’s oblivious that she is hindering strong friendships with people, and she gets frustrated with others, even though she's the biggest part of her problem.

 

Of course, I’m not saying you are like this. I’m just using my mother as an example of being unaware of how one’s actions come across to another, and encourage you to take another look at what you do with and for your friends. Are you doing these things for people trying to “buy” friendship? Is there an air of neediness from you? Like romantic relationships, neediness in friendships is a turn off. (I speak from personal experience here, having been too needy in several of my friendships. Those friendships didn’t last, of course.) I suspect this may be an issue with you, because it would make you an easy mark for that girl who befriended you only to make fun of you. BTW, she sounds like some sort of sociopath, and you're better off staying far away from her.

 

Real friendships, like all relationships, do involve reciprocation, and from what you’ve written, you keep giving to these people and not getting what you need. Why? Why not distance yourself from these people? There’s no blame or dishonor in being generous to someone once or twice and them not returning your generosity. (I’m talking about generosity of time, emotion and spirit, but in some cases, this could also be in a financial or material sense. Whatever applies to the situation.) But if you continually give and get nothing in return, then you are letting yourself be used. At some point, you need to accept that you will not get what you want from the other and either be at peace with continuing to give with no return or stop giving and move on. Most people choose the latter.

 

I’m not sure how these people became your friends, what you really have in common with them, and why you like them enough to continue to try to be friends with them. Sometimes friendships change, fade and end, sometimes people grow apart, and sometimes people are simply jerks. Like Savannah said about having different social groups, I think you’d benefit from broadening your social circles and not relying so much on this existing group. So I suggest the following: Take up some new hobbies or activities and get out and meet new people. Try something your old group wouldn’t – hiking, knitting, surfing, basketweaving, whatever – and meet some people who are not the type of people you usually socialize with. If you do this, I suggest trying several different things to find out what you enjoy, but don’t stick with doing something you hate just for the company. The idea is to broaden your horizons and move beyond a single rigid social circle. Take some time to get to know people before you start doing lots of things for them. If you do find yourself giving to others, give because you really want to and be willing to accept that your generosity may go unreturned and unappreciated. If that happens and you start getting sad or resentful, just start investing your time with other people and things. There’s no point in telling off someone for acting badly when they don’t care how they treat you to begin with.

 

Some people will not be able to accept your friendship, and (unless you’re like my mother) it has nothing to do with you or how nice you act. Some people will just not want you as a friend the way you would like -- this happens to everyone sooner or later. It hurts, but the best thing to do is to move on to better people and better relationships.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I don't know how old you are, but all of this sounds very high school. I’m sorry to put it so bluntly, but you sound kind of like the unpopular kid trying to hang out with the popular kids. I hope that’s not the case!

 

I have to admit, I'm a little skeptical of your perception that they have done everything wrong and you have done everything right. Are you sure you don't inadvertently do things that alienate people? Because pretty much everyone at sometime does something for others that they think is nice but the other person is uncomfortable with. And some people do it more often than others.

 

What you say reminds me a lot of my mother. She often complains about her friends not being there for her or including her in things going on with them. She complains a lot about all the wonderful things she does for people and they don't reciprocate. Well, I can say as an outside observer that she doesn't see what she does wrong. She's generous, but in a very over-the-top manner. She often “gives” in ways that she would like, not in ways that would mean something to the other person. It ends up being too much and very pushy, and at least to me, it seems like she’s generous mainly so she can get attention from other people. Kind of like buying friendship by doing these things. She often interacts with people in a very superficial manner and almost forces an attitude of cheerfulness that isn’t always appropriate, thus it seems fake. She’s oblivious that she is hindering strong friendships with people, and she gets frustrated with others, even though she's the biggest part of her problem.

 

Of course, I’m not saying you are like this. I’m just using my mother as an example of being unaware of how one’s actions come across to another, and encourage you to take another look at what you do with and for your friends. Are you doing these things for people trying to “buy” friendship? Is there an air of neediness from you? Like romantic relationships, neediness in friendships is a turn off. (I speak from personal experience here, having been too needy in several of my friendships. Those friendships didn’t last, of course.) I suspect this may be an issue with you, because it would make you an easy mark for that girl who befriended you only to make fun of you. BTW, she sounds like some sort of sociopath, and you're better off staying far away from her.

 

Real friendships, like all relationships, do involve reciprocation, and from what you’ve written, you keep giving to these people and not getting what you need. Why? Why not distance yourself from these people? There’s no blame or dishonor in being generous to someone once or twice and them not returning your generosity. (I’m talking about generosity of time, emotion and spirit, but in some cases, this could also be in a financial or material sense. Whatever applies to the situation.) But if you continually give and get nothing in return, then you are letting yourself be used. At some point, you need to accept that you will not get what you want from the other and either be at peace with continuing to give with no return or stop giving and move on. Most people choose the latter.

 

I’m not sure how these people became your friends, what you really have in common with them, and why you like them enough to continue to try to be friends with them. Sometimes friendships change, fade and end, sometimes people grow apart, and sometimes people are simply jerks. Like Savannah said about having different social groups, I think you’d benefit from broadening your social circles and not relying so much on this existing group. So I suggest the following: Take up some new hobbies or activities and get out and meet new people. Try something your old group wouldn’t – hiking, knitting, surfing, basketweaving, whatever – and meet some people who are not the type of people you usually socialize with. If you do this, I suggest trying several different things to find out what you enjoy, but don’t stick with doing something you hate just for the company. The idea is to broaden your horizons and move beyond a single rigid social circle. Take some time to get to know people before you start doing lots of things for them. If you do find yourself giving to others, give because you really want to and be willing to accept that your generosity may go unreturned and unappreciated. If that happens and you start getting sad or resentful, just start investing your time with other people and things. There’s no point in telling off someone for acting badly when they don’t care how they treat you to begin with.

 

Some people will not be able to accept your friendship, and (unless you’re like my mother) it has nothing to do with you or how nice you act. Some people will just not want you as a friend the way you would like -- this happens to everyone sooner or later. It hurts, but the best thing to do is to move on to better people and better relationships.

 

Hi there, thank you for your enlightening post. It did make me stop and think.

 

Well I am actually 30, not high school age, sorry if it came across that way!

 

Unlike your intense Mother, I don't exactly think I am an over the top giver of material things per say, for me it is more of a case of never letting a friend down. If I promise to meet them I always stick to it unless a genuine situation crops up, I invest my precious time on them by always meeting them in their town and doing all the legwork everytime. I am never chased by them, and am fed up of always doing the running. It has cost me dearly traveling to see them multiple times so I could be there for not just special occasions, but general nights out too.

 

They know that if they tell me secrets it wont go beyond these four walls, yet I don't trust them as far as I can throw them! This is based on fact by the way, as my private information always seems to leak out, funny that.

 

I seem to find myself often used as a stepping stone for people to get to things/people they want, after that I am discarded.

 

Right now I feel particularly distressed due to one of the 'friends' letting me down within the last few weeks, I was really looking forward to seeing her, she got me all excited then text me the night before saying she couldn't make it due to a really lame excuse. I felt hurt and very angry that when I needed a friend yet again, she was nowhere to be seen. I did not know what to say, so I ignored the text out of severe anger towards her. Since then, despite being fully aware of my depression and family problems she has chosen to pick on me about it in addition to letting me down!!! I cannot believe this is actually happening. Now she is deliberately fraternizing with my sisters knowing that they have rejected me and made my life a misery, plus writing stuff on her Facebook updates to have digs at me. She also wrote to my ex fiance from about 6 years ago (publically on Facebook wall) telling him what a beautiful new girlfriend he has!!! How mean can you get? I text her about a week later with a nice message after all that and it was ignored. I keep crying, it hurts so much. I just wish I knew why she would do this? After I have been there for her for almost a decade. And her in particular I have invested time into, plus spending loads of money on trainfares to be there for her parties in the past, she has never been to anything of mine.

 

My fiance cannot understand why I wont just let these people go, but for some reason I can't. A big part of it is because I want to understand why they are like this to me, and I guess another factor is not wanting to throw away friendships I have spent time building up, even though I love my friends yet they could take me or leave me. Preferably leave me.

 

Perhaps you are right about the neediness thing, I do wear my heart on my forehead so I do not disguise the fact that I really appreciate and need my friends. Not sure what vibes I would give off when first meeting people though, maybe bullies have a way of finding me - I have been picked on all my life.

 

I have had very bad family life, perhaps in friendships I automatically take on the role of the abused, mirroring how things have been for me at home. Also the fact that I have never had good relationships at home probably means that I seek everything in friendships to replace what never was with my family. And I love my friends as if they were family because I am so lacking in that department.

[NoMagicBullet]

Sorry to have been away for a while. Holidays and all that.

 

Well, if you are 30 and your friends are about the same age, then it sounds like you have grown up but they haven't! It also sounds like you all may have grown apart. People change a lot as they "find themselves" during their 20s. If some of you have gone to college/university and others haven't, this would also widen the life experience gap. Same thing for those who have married and have kids versus those who haven't.

 

I don't know what the deal is with the friend and the text & Facebook stuff, but she sounds very immature.

 

I have had very bad family life, perhaps in friendships I automatically take on the role of the abused, mirroring how things have been for me at home. Also the fact that I have never had good relationships at home probably means that I seek everything in friendships to replace what never was with my family. And I love my friends as if they were family because I am so lacking in that department.

 

You may be on to something here. I can see not wanting to let go of these people because they were a surrogate family of sorts to you. But I have to agree with your fiance -- these people are not good to you or for you. I don't think you'll ever be able to fully understand their lack of consideration for you. At best, they are indifferent, even apathetic toward your needs. At worst, they appear to be using you when they need the support of a friend and have no intention of ever being there for you. Maybe your openess and committment to being there for them lets people like this in through the door, but I don't think that's a bad thing. The bad part is when you won't kick them out after they repeatedly make a mess of your emotional house! So to speak. You may feel guilty, like a bad friend if you do, but you aren't doing anything wrong by protecting yourself and saving your time, money and energy for others who deserve it more.

 

As hard as it will be, I think you really need to cut these people loose. You don't have to be mean or burn bridges -- unless you really want to! I suggest being less and less available via text, phone, etc, and stop travelling to them. If they ask, you can always say that you and your fiance are saving for wedding/honeymoon/whatever as far as travel costs go. For other communication, just say your busy with some project, event or activity. Take a long break from Facebook, if possible, and try to ignore anything that isn't directly written on you wall or sent to you in a message -- if they give you crap via either of those, tell them that you won't put up with it and unfriend them. (Although I think they probably should be unfriended anyway.)

 

Like before, I suggest getting out and finding some other interests, maybe with your fiance. It will distract you in a positive way as you grieve the loss of these "friends"; they may not deserve to be called such, but already the loss you feel is apparent, and it will take some time to heal and get past their negativity.

 

One last suggestion -- IMO, the best way to combat indifference is with indifference. Even if what they do bothers you, don't let on that it does, unless they openly put you down. Even then, remain calm, let them know that such behavior is unacceptable and rather than get into arguements, simply cut off contact. By not reacting to them, you take away their power and retain your dignity.

 

Hang in there!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Sorry to have been away for a while. Holidays and all that.

 

Well, if you are 30 and your friends are about the same age, then it sounds like you have grown up but they haven't! It also sounds like you all may have grown apart. People change a lot as they "find themselves" during their 20s. If some of you have gone to college/university and others haven't, this would also widen the life experience gap. Same thing for those who have married and have kids versus those who haven't.

 

I don't know what the deal is with the friend and the text & Facebook stuff, but she sounds very immature.

 

 

 

You may be on to something here. I can see not wanting to let go of these people because they were a surrogate family of sorts to you. But I have to agree with your fiance -- these people are not good to you or for you. I don't think you'll ever be able to fully understand their lack of consideration for you. At best, they are indifferent, even apathetic toward your needs. At worst, they appear to be using you when they need the support of a friend and have no intention of ever being there for you. Maybe your openess and committment to being there for them lets people like this in through the door, but I don't think that's a bad thing. The bad part is when you won't kick them out after they repeatedly make a mess of your emotional house! So to speak. You may feel guilty, like a bad friend if you do, but you aren't doing anything wrong by protecting yourself and saving your time, money and energy for others who deserve it more.

 

As hard as it will be, I think you really need to cut these people loose. You don't have to be mean or burn bridges -- unless you really want to! I suggest being less and less available via text, phone, etc, and stop travelling to them. If they ask, you can always say that you and your fiance are saving for wedding/honeymoon/whatever as far as travel costs go. For other communication, just say your busy with some project, event or activity. Take a long break from Facebook, if possible, and try to ignore anything that isn't directly written on you wall or sent to you in a message -- if they give you crap via either of those, tell them that you won't put up with it and unfriend them. (Although I think they probably should be unfriended anyway.)

 

Like before, I suggest getting out and finding some other interests, maybe with your fiance. It will distract you in a positive way as you grieve the loss of these "friends"; they may not deserve to be called such, but already the loss you feel is apparent, and it will take some time to heal and get past their negativity.

 

One last suggestion -- IMO, the best way to combat indifference is with indifference. Even if what they do bothers you, don't let on that it does, unless they openly put you down. Even then, remain calm, let them know that such behavior is unacceptable and rather than get into arguements, simply cut off contact. By not reacting to them, you take away their power and retain your dignity.

 

Hang in there!

 

Hi there, site has been down for so long, glad it's back up and running. Hope you had a great Christmas and New Year!

 

Well regarding the 'friend' who is passively aggressively bullying me via Facebook - I am so hurt by it as I have always been soooooo good to her and have done nothing to deserve her turning on me like this. Thing is, she has done it in such a way that I would seem like a psycho if I confronted her about it as she could easily say it wasn't aimed at me or I misinterpreted it which makes it all the more maddening for me because I know full well she is trying to hurt me but I just don't understand why. Especially when just a few weeks ago I opened up to her via an email and told her what a hard time I am having with my family and how I have battled depression for ages. She is cruel for doing this, my fiance says she is probably unhappy in her own life but I find this hard to beleive as she has just had 2 children with a guy she says is her soulmate very shortly after a failed marriage at just 25 years old. So yes she was messed up before but things seem to be just as she wants them right now so I have no idea what has made her turn, but I cannot rest until I have answers. My fiance thinks I should just let it go and forgive her in my heart! Like it's that easy!

 

I know that I need to forget a lot of these people, but it bothers me so badly. How the friendships could be so unrequited. If I knew that one of them were depressed and needed support I would get the train to see them as soon as I could, many of them have known I am having a difficult time yet cannot make the effort to see me even though it would mean so much if they did. It is simple, not difficult to visit a friend, so you are totally right about their indifference and also using me when they need a friend with no intention of ever returning the favour. Selfish people, all take take take.

 

I said to my fiance, the saying 'you reap what you sow' is not always true, as I spend my time cultivating these relationships and do not get a thing back!

 

As well as seeing my friends as like a surrogate family, I think I also crave their acceptance - but the way they behave towards me is just rejecting behaviour. Making me want their acceptance all the more.

 

I doubt they will even bother suggesting future meetings for me to turn down 'because I am too busy and am saving for our wedding' as like I said - most are either picking on me or have dwindled so much that I seriously think even texting me to suggest a date would be too much trouble for them!

 

I would so love to find new friends with common interests but this has always been so difficult for me, I never seem to meet many people I truly click with so kinda make do with people I sort of get along with or can have a laugh with. My fiance's friends are all really nice and want to include me, but I feel like a fish out of water with most of them as they are predominantly middle aged to elderly people who talk about/do things I have no idea about/bore me and I am a very young acting and looking 30 year old! I am about to move from UK to America to marry my fiance (who is American) and this will be a great way to eliminate the toxic people, however in some ways it will be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire because I will start with no friends here and have to put up with people who I have nothing in common with trying to take me under their wing. The area we will be living does not have the facilities to occupy my interests, it really is quite depressing to think I may never find my niche. Hope I do not sound ungrateful as I really do appreciate my fiance and everything he wants to provide me with but we are from totally different backgrounds as I have had a very unstable upbringing in an abusive home; he had a loving family with loads of friends with common interests.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

When I read the OP I thought your were 14 years old. You don't want 'friends' you want people to validate your existence. That neediness is a turn off for most people.

 

You are 30! If you have all these people that don't reciprocate in kind then ask yourself 'why'? When peope ramble on about everyone else lacking some value (all my ex's were jerks, my co-workers are a pain,etc) then my advice is 'look in the mirror'. Often the need is to reassess one's own lack of social skills.

 

Ok so I am obviously lacking in something for this to be happening but surely you must see that it's the 'friends', not me lacking the social skills?! If you knew the nasty things they had done to me you would agree, people pick on me and that is a fact. Anyway to most people I must not appear needy because like I said before, it is me always reaching out to and being there for them! I am very bitter about the lack of reciprocation but I keep that quiet so they will never know. Maybe one day I should tell them all how awful they are, only they probably wouldn't care anyway because by upsetting me they have lost nothing as I mean so little to them.

[green_tea]

So called friends? These people are not your friends. Real friends wouldn't stand you up, ditch you, lie to you, or whatever, but would in fact be there for you when you need them. That's awful what they're doing to you.

 

Pretty much this. I know it's upsetting when people you think of as friends treat you so poorly. I've experienced it too and wonder why they do it, but I'll never know - what I DO know is that I don't like feeling upset and the only way to not feel like that is to distance myself from these people. It's as easy as that for me. Walk away and not let them have any influence over me ever again. I don't see the point of trying to continue to be friends with people who don't respect me. I'd rather have a small number of true friends than a lot of fake friends.

[NoMagicBullet]

I take back what I said about your friends not having grown up. The more I read of your posts, the better I understand just how immature you are. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, but no longer. Yes, you had a difficult upbringing, but you need to stop using that as an all-purpose excuse... for starters.

 

 

... I cannot rest until I have answers. My fiancé thinks I should just let it go and forgive her in my heart! Like it's that easy!

 

Part of growing up is recognizing a dead end and moving on. Let. It. Go. You will never get the answers you want. You don't have to forgive, just quit wasting time and energy obsessing over it.

 

 

... If I knew that one of them were depressed and needed support I would get the train to see them as soon as I could, many of them have known I am having a difficult time yet cannot make the effort to see me even though it would mean so much if they did. It is simple, not difficult to visit a friend, so you are totally right about their indifference and also using me when they need a friend with no intention of ever returning the favour. Selfish people, all take take take.

 

I said to my fiancé, the saying 'you reap what you sow' is not always true, as I spend my time cultivating these relationships and do not get a thing back!

 

I have a hard time believing you didn't get anything back. Maybe you didn't get what you wanted from certain people, but that doesn't mean you didn't get anything. Obviously, they are of the perspective that getting on the train to see someone simply when they're depressed is not necessary for the friendship. Maybe it's what you think is normal; maybe to them, it's over-the-top. Personally, I think it is over-the-top, and unnecessary except for the closest friends and under very bad circumstances.

 

But apparently you just sit and stew and grow bitter about what you aren't getting instead of constructively talking about it or at least readjusting your expectations of the friendship. If you say nothing but expect someone to change anyway, it's your fault and your fault alone when you are disappointed. Bitter words now will do no good.

 

 

... As well as seeing my friends as like a surrogate family, I think I also crave their acceptance - but the way they behave toward me is just rejecting behaviour. Making me want their acceptance all the more.

 

Well, at least you know you have a problem. But I think you crave extraordinary gestures of friendship as part of that acceptance, and that's even more unrealistic.

 

 

I would so love to find new friends with common interests but this has always been so difficult for me, I never seem to meet many people I truly click with so kinda make do with people I sort of get along with or can have a laugh with. My fiancé's friends are all really nice and want to include me, but I feel like a fish out of water with most of them as they are predominantly middle aged to elderly people who talk about/do things I have no idea about/bore me and I am a very young acting and looking 30 year old!

 

So you would get on a train as soon as you could to see one of your old friends if they were depressed, but you won't make an effort to get to know people who aren't like you, but want to include you?! You don't want the offer of friendship from people who are older than you and have interests you haven't bothered to understand, yet you chase after these other people you complain about? Well then, you deserve the misery you inflict upon yourself!

 

Young acting is an understatement -- you are extremely immature, well below that of a 30-year-old.

 

 

... I will start with no friends here and have to put up with people who I have nothing in common with trying to take me under their wing. The area we will be living does not have the facilities to occupy my interests, it really is quite depressing to think I may never find my niche. Hope I do not sound ungrateful as I really do appreciate my fiancé and everything he wants to provide me with but we are from totally different backgrounds as I have had a very unstable upbringing in an abusive home; he had a loving family with loads of friends with common interests.

 

You are ungrateful! Maybe not to your fiancé, but definitely ungrateful to the circle of people that surrounds him who have welcomed you. How awful for you that you have to put up with people trying to make you feel at home, people who have unwittingly committed your unforgivable crime of being different than you! If the backgrounds between you and your fiance are so different, maybe you need to rethink marrying him. I get the feeling that he is siginificantly older than you, and that it could be a source of potential trouble ahead, but that's a topic for another time.

 

You are beyond ungrateful. You are extremely shallow and self-absorbed. It really is all about you and getting what you want on your terms. All through your posts, there's a distinct pattern of it being the fault of others that you can't have the friendship you want. There's more than a hint of paranoia in it all. I suspect the real reason you don't have quality relationships with these people you've complained about is that you aren't capable of anything but superficial friendships. I suspect these "bad friends" have likely acted more reasonably than you believe and would have us believe.

 

Real friendship is about a lot more than doing things for one another and having similar interests. It's also about negotiating differences in personality and expectations. It's about appreciating and taking an interest in others' lives even when their interests and life circumstances are not identical to yours. I hope you can learn to do all of these, because after you marry and move, you WILL need friends!

[Lucky_One]

Well regarding the 'friend' who is passively aggressively bullying me via Facebook - I am so hurt by it as I have always been soooooo good to her and have done nothing to deserve her turning on me like this. Thing is, she has done it in such a way that I would seem like a psycho if I confronted her about it as she could easily say it wasn't aimed at me or I misinterpreted it which makes it all the more maddening for me because I know full well she is trying to hurt me but I just don't understand why.

 

Are you sure that you AREN'T misinterpreting comments on FB? If they don't say "Heartbroken, you suck and are a loser", then you have no way of knowing if they ARE aimed at you. I have a feeling that she has many friends, co-workers, acquaintances, old schoolmates, family members that she might communicate with on FB; her posts could very, very likely be about something totally random or different than what you are imagining them to be in your hurt state.

 

If I knew that one of them were depressed and needed support I would get the train to see them as soon as I could, many of them have known I am having a difficult time yet cannot make the effort to see me even though it would mean so much if they did.

 

To be frank, even if we were friends, getting on a train to go visit someone who is either in a hotel or living on someone's couch to get away from their family and sisters doesn't sound all that appealing. If you are back in your parent's home, then visiting you there doesn't sound that appealing either, as you are so miserable there. And traveling by train to go out to lunch seems a lot of trouble and expense, if your friends are working or have families/children/partners or are in school. I def agree that it would be WONDERFUL if people cared more about others, but most people are wrapped up in their own worlds and their own needs/cares take precedence, and they fit in other's needs when it works best in their schedules.

 

I would so love to find new friends...My fiance's friends are all really nice and want to include me, but I feel like a fish out of water with most of them as they are predominantly middle aged to elderly people who talk about/do things I have no idea about/bore me and I am a very young acting and looking 30 year old! I am about to move from UK to America to marry my fiance (who is American) and this will be a great way to eliminate the toxic people, however in some ways it will be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire because I will start with no friends here and have to put up with people who I have nothing in common with trying to take me under their wing. The area we will be living does not have the facilities to occupy my interests, it really is quite depressing to think I may never find my niche. Hope I do not sound ungrateful as I really do appreciate my fiance and everything he wants to provide me with but we are from totally different backgrounds as I have had a very unstable upbringing in an abusive home; he had a loving family with loads of friends with common interests.

 

I am astounded at this paragraph. You have a man with loads of friends, and you have already dismissed them as old and boring, and who will be trying to smother you. Isn't this what you crave? Some people who will care about YOU, who will want to DO things for YOU, who will want to spend with YOU? And you are rejecting them without even really giving them a chance? Aren't you doing EXACTLY what your local "friends" are doing to you? What if your friends are saying "She is too young/immature and always whinging and so she bores me?"

 

And the area you are going to be living is already boring and has nothing to offer you? You haven't even moved there and given it a chance yet? No offense, but you are moving to America, which tends to have lots and lots of things do to. We are a mobile nation, and if an activity is not available in our vicinity, then we get in the car and drive an hour to get to it. You aren't moving to the Urals, you know.

 

If you are already depressed about the area in which you are going to live and depressed about your future in-laws smothering you and bored by the people that you are going to be meeting and rejecting of your fiance's circle of friends, then I am not predicting a lot of marital happiness. I think that these issues are things you need to discuss with your fiance immediately, as going to the trouble and expense of a K-1 visa is a pain in the butt, and he deserves to know your unhappiness and reservations at the life that you two have planned together. At this point in your engagement, you should be thrilled and excited about your marriage and your life there with him - and your life there with him encompasses his family, his friends, his home, and his town.

 

Did you get the chance to discuss any of this with him over your holiday with him in the States?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Are you sure that you AREN'T misinterpreting comments on FB? If they don't say "Heartbroken, you suck and are a loser", then you have no way of knowing if they ARE aimed at you. I have a feeling that she has many friends, co-workers, acquaintances, old schoolmates, family members that she might communicate with on FB; her posts could very, very likely be about something totally random or different than what you are imagining them to be in your hurt state.

I wish you were right, however it is safe to say I haven't misinterpreted this, I had problems with this girl in the past too, she suddenly started picking on me a while back for no good reason. She used to bully people at school too, some so badly that they had to move class. She is also not a good person, she has done many shocking things which I wont disclose on here. Not that I am an angel but I would never deliberately try to hurt others. Also she has tried to derail my personal life/job before but she does it in such a way that I could not prove it! She is a spiteful b**** and I must have been deluded thinking she was my friend. I remained in contact with her because we did have a good laugh together but the more I think about her, the more it proves she was often so false to my face. I have always been really nice and kind to her, always listened to her shocking stories without judging her, given her advice etc. Yet she turns round and betrays me in many ways, writing to my abusive ex publically on Facebook (even though they were never close, and she has not seen him for about 6 years) telling him what a beautiful new girlfriend he has being just one incident. She wouldn't like it if I took her ex hubbie out for a beer 'just to catch up' now would she? But I know the meaning of the word loyalty, therefore never would do such a thing, even though her marriage actually ended due to her being in the wrong. See what I mean? I am still raging about her as we speak!!!

 

 

To be frank, even if we were friends, getting on a train to go visit someone who is either in a hotel or living on someone's couch to get away from their family and sisters doesn't sound all that appealing. If you are back in your parent's home, then visiting you there doesn't sound that appealing either, as you are so miserable there. And traveling by train to go out to lunch seems a lot of trouble and expense, if your friends are working or have families/children/partners or are in school. I def agree that it would be WONDERFUL if people cared more about others, but most people are wrapped up in their own worlds and their own needs/cares take precedence, and they fit in other's needs when it works best in their schedules.

Oh I totally agree, but I was just giving an example of what they don't do, what I actually meant was - they have just left me to fester. They never call me, never send me the odd text to check I'm ok, never email me - nothing. I am always the one who makes the first and last contact. I would of course just be satisfied if there was some effort of communication on their part, but there is just nothing at all. Some have not even seen me since early last year, and most live within 2 hours drive so there really is no excuse. Previously I have done all the legwork, spending my time and money doing all the traveling so I could see/ be there for them and their nights out/special occasions, that is why it hurts so much that they don't even have the decency to call me or anything when I need them most. A big reason my fiance and I are eloping is because I truly don't think I would have enough friends/family make the effort to travel to wherever we have a wedding. It would have more than likely been somewhere near everyone but I do not think people care enough to see me on my big day. Urgh I just feel so alone.

 

 

I am astounded at this paragraph. You have a man with loads of friends, and you have already dismissed them as old and boring, and who will be trying to smother you. Isn't this what you crave? Some people who will care about YOU, who will want to DO things for YOU, who will want to spend with YOU? And you are rejecting them without even really giving them a chance? Aren't you doing EXACTLY what your local "friends" are doing to you? What if your friends are saying "She is too young/immature and always whinging and so she bores me?"

 

And the area you are going to be living is already boring and has nothing to offer you? You haven't even moved there and given it a chance yet? No offense, but you are moving to America, which tends to have lots and lots of things do to. We are a mobile nation, and if an activity is not available in our vicinity, then we get in the car and drive an hour to get to it. You aren't moving to the Urals, you know.

 

If you are already depressed about the area in which you are going to live and depressed about your future in-laws smothering you and bored by the people that you are going to be meeting and rejecting of your fiance's circle of friends, then I am not predicting a lot of marital happiness. I think that these issues are things you need to discuss with your fiance immediately, as going to the trouble and expense of a K-1 visa is a pain in the butt, and he deserves to know your unhappiness and reservations at the life that you two have planned together. At this point in your engagement, you should be thrilled and excited about your marriage and your life there with him - and your life there with him encompasses his family, his friends, his home, and his town.

 

Did you get the chance to discuss any of this with him over your holiday with him in the States?

 

I totally agree with you about all this and cannot believe how foolish I was to dismiss these lovely people. I have previously expressed my concerns to my fiance, he just seems to think it will all fall into place for me once I move here and get used to people. Whilst he understands about my past and how it hurts, he thinks I need to suck it up and get over the social phobia it has now caused. I guess I just feel uncomfortable because he gets to still live amongst the people he grew up with, I am the one who will be moving and be like a fish out of water. However I realise that doing so will drastically improve my life, I cannot reject people who will love me unconditionally! I guess the whole thing just made me feel a bit bitter - the fact that my fiance has had such loving family and friends surrounding him from the get go yet I have had a totally unstable childhood with the opposite. He knows what it feels like to be secure; I don't. There is also an element of me fearing their eventual rejection of me, this really hurts as it is what I am used to, I guess I can't imagine life to be any different but my fiance just reassures me that I need to have faith, that he would never even mix with horrible people, and that everyone here loves me and not just cos of my English accent!

 

Besides, with regards to having things in common with people, I spent most of last summer on an island in Europe where the things I love are in abundance, yet I still did not meet soulmate friends!!! So yes, I know deep down that having friends with the same values and interests may be impossible to find even when they're all around me! My fiances friends do have a few things in common with me anyway - travelling, camping, keeping fit etc. Only thing is most are old enough to be my parents and have no inrterest in fashion or music like I do. Perhaps this doesn't matter though, maybe I was being stupid to worry about that part.

[Auntie Em]

heartbroken, I really think you need to look inward.

 

You claim:

 

your sisters and parents do not like you.

none of your friends like you.

you have had a problem with holding jobs and dealing with co-workers (I did take the time to read a lot of your old posts)

 

You seem to want to live in a state of being a victim.

 

What I see is a 30 year old woman who met a man online, has seen him in person maybe 5 days and has gone back and forth about marrying him. You were ready to give him up because of a former MM who used you beyond anything worse than your family and friends. He lied to you at every step and you continued to wish and dream and make excuses for his behavior.

 

You complain about your fiance's family and friends. You claim they are going to be overbearing and intrusive into your life. You feel the fiance is being unfair in asking you to move to the USA yet you live with your parents who you do not get along with and you have siblings you do not get along with and you have friends you do not get along with; yet you expect him to move to your parents house/the area where you have no one? Why in the world would he want to be around all these people who make you miserable?

 

You have daily meltdowns because of all the 'toxic' people in your life, yet you do NOTHING to get away from them. You continue to allow them - yes, ALLOW THEM - to hurt you and be hurtful to you. You are choosing to stay in an environment where you are experiencing severe depression and constant sadness.

 

Your fiance is in the military. It is probably very upsetting to him to have you constantly falling apart on him. He cannot concentrate on his job keeping himself safe while you fall about every day over the same things.

 

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

 

Did you know the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting difference results?

 

Take control of your life. You have many choices.

 

1. Sit your family down and have a discussion about how YOU are feeling. Don't blame them. Tell them how you are feeling. Give them examples of why you feel this way - bring up the feelings of jealousy over your sisters having surprise parties and you not. Let them know it hurt your feelings. They may feel that you are constantly playing the victim, you are all about drama and they never know how to please you because you seem to always want to find fault with everything they do.

 

2. Your fiance should not have to be your counselor/therapist. I can easily see him pull away from you because he is probably sick of the same complaints every day and your lack of initiative to do anything to change things. Complaining about your parents, your sisters, your upbringing, your friends, blah blah blah. Can you image being around someone so negative and depressing every day?

 

3. You have already decided how his family is going to be yet you have no proof or no example to provide on how they have been suffocating or share no common interests. Did you know that many times it is those that do not have common interests can bring us the best experiences in life? Just because you and his friends do not share the exact same likes and interests does not mean you cannot learn to do things they enjoy and you can open their eyes to other things.

 

4. Like someone said, America is a HUGE place with pretty much all kinds of activities within a 100 mile radius.

 

You can choose to sit in a corner and whine about woe is me all day long or you can pick yourself up by your big girl panties and make changes.

 

STOP complaining to your fiance before he decides he has had enough.

STOP playing the victim of your family. believe it or not, NO ONE has had a rosy childhood. I was sexually abused by a family member for 13 years and raped at college. I could have dug a hole and jumped in; but I decided my past will NOT define who I am. I have chosen to not sit and cry about things that have already happened and things I cannot change. I am in charge of my future. I get to decide who will be in my life and who will not. The very fact that you do not like your parents or siblings and feel they are so horrible to you .... and you plan your wedding around THEIR schedule and want them involved shows you are the one with the issue. if they are so horrible to you, you would turn and RUN at the first opportunity to get away from them. YOU would stop trying to please them all the time. You would NOT subject your fiance to this drama on HIS wedding. Can you image what will happen if they do come and you feel as if they are not celebrating your wedding enough or if you perceive something they are doing wrong and your entire honeymoon is spent with you having meltdown after meltdown. How much fun is that for your fiance???? Why would you do that to him???

 

It is your life. OWN IT. Take responsibility for it. Life is too dang short to live with the drama you have allowed to be in your life. CUT OUT people who you do not like or who do not respect you. You are 30. Do you want to spend the next 30 years like the last 30 years? What are you goals? What do you want to be? What are you doing towards those goals?

 

Instead of griping about all the 'wrong' in your life, find some positives. No one wants to be around someone who is so negative and full of pity. No one wants to hear someone whine about the same thing over and over. Find a qualified person to help you deal with all this before you find yourself with out a fiance. He is probably glad some days that he can get off line with you so he doesn't to constantly comfort you or hear the same complaints over and over.

 

I hope you find happiness. Either accept your parents/sisters as they are or do what YOU can to fix it.

 

You have a fiance who loves you. You have a future ahead of you. Celebrate what you have instead of complaining. It could be a lot worse. You could lose a child. You could have a fatal disease. You could ...... there are lots of things that are worse than what you have.

 

Enjoy your life and live it instead of being miserable and unhappy!