Avoidance = No New Hurts?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

So I am taking advice previously given to me time and time again regarding cutting out my toxic family. I have been avoiding them completely, well trying to - this is proving to be very difficult because I am back living with my parents right now. At least I do not have to encounter my sisters on a daily basis! However there are times when they visit my parents and when they do I have made sure I know exactly when they are coming/going so I can stay with a friend or in a hotel accordingly. I am even spending Christmas with a friend then going straight to the States so I can be with my fiance for New Year. It is so sad that I am having to do this but I feel there is no other choice. Meeting them as a group would be like throwing myself to the lions, and I am still feeling very raw after the last incidents (the holiday in July and the fact that they went out of their way to ignore my 30th birthday last month).

 

I guess one day I will have to physically see them again, don't know if or when I will feel ready to though. I have a feeling my parents will stitch me up and lie to me about their going home times so I end up bumping into them - all with the intention of hurting me and causing more drama. I wish things were different, but what can I do? I know my position in the family - scapegoat and odd one out all the time, it has been the same for 30 years so why would it change now? I am trying to come to terms with the fact that they do not love and accept me, I cannot change that, so why fight it? I am giving up.

 

Does anyone out there think I am doing the wrong thing by avoiding them like this? It does feel a little bit nuts to be honest, but I must do what I have to do to protect myself and my emotional health.

[Nikki82]

If they cause you hurt and you have talked to them and they still hurt you, then it is probably best that you minimize your contact with them. I'm currently in a sort of similar situation where I have cut my mom out of my life. My sister has done the same thing too.

 

Our mother abuses prescription drugs and lies that she doesn't, but i've seen the receipts of purchases online for it. She says we love our stepmother more than her. She tells complete lies about me to my dad and sister as well as the other ways around. When we do nice things for her such as care for her dog while mom is sick, she suddenly goes crazy and says we stole the dog. I think she's mentally losing it...and not willing to get help or improve herself. She lives alone and I feel bad that she has no one, but she was giving me anxiety attacks.

 

When someone affects you that much, it's not healthy and you need to back off. You're right, it's difficult for you, but sounds like you are doing pretty well so far. Stay strong, but keep a small part of you always open for a possible reconnection. But your health comes first. Happy holidays!

[LZ2000]

but I must do what I have to do to protect myself and my emotional health.

 

100% fully agreed.

[setsenia]

There is nothing wrong with minimizing toxic relatives, or anyone in general that causes you so much grief in your life. My husband and I have had a difficult time realizing and coping with this. It's very difficult to do and overcome. His mother and stepfather recently disowning us over "facebook comments" made us realize how they have been nothing but toxic to us over the last 4-5 years we've been together and even more so his entire life. It seemed like every other year they would stop talking to us or get offended over something. We were hurt initially, but after this last time, we've realized they have hardly made an effort to be in our lives and when they did, it was only at their convenience and most of their influence was negative. Thankfully, his mom and stepdad didn't raise him, so it wasn't a very difficult loss. His mom would make all kinds if excuses about why she wasn't in his life and never would invite us to family events. Now my husband could care less if he ever saw them again. If they ever want to come back into our lives, we're putting our foot down this time and minimizing contact, because it's nothing but when THEY feel it's convenient do they come into our lives. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself by limiting contact with people who bring nothing positive into your life.

 

This next summer, one of his cousins is getting married that he hasn't seen in 20 years. I asked him if it was really worth flying out for, since he'd have to see his parents there. His response was that "why should he miss out on seeing other relatives just because of them"? This would be an opportunity to show them that we are just as part of the family as them, regardless weather THEY like to invite us to family events or not.

Edited December 12, 2011 by setsenia

[writergal]

So I am taking advice previously given to me time and time again regarding cutting out my toxic family. I have been avoiding them completely, well trying to - this is proving to be very difficult because I am back living with my parents right now. At least I do not have to encounter my sisters on a daily basis! However there are times when they visit my parents and when they do I have made sure I know exactly when they are coming/going so I can stay with a friend or in a hotel accordingly. I am even spending Christmas with a friend then going straight to the States so I can be with my fiance for New Year. It is so sad that I am having to do this but I feel there is no other choice. Meeting them as a group would be like throwing myself to the lions, and I am still feeling very raw after the last incidents (the holiday in July and the fact that they went out of their way to ignore my 30th birthday last month).

 

I guess one day I will have to physically see them again, don't know if or when I will feel ready to though. I have a feeling my parents will stitch me up and lie to me about their going home times so I end up bumping into them - all with the intention of hurting me and causing more drama. I wish things were different, but what can I do? I know my position in the family - scapegoat and odd one out all the time, it has been the same for 30 years so why would it change now? I am trying to come to terms with the fact that they do not love and accept me, I cannot change that, so why fight it? I am giving up.

 

Does anyone out there think I am doing the wrong thing by avoiding them like this? It does feel a little bit nuts to be honest, but I must do what I have to do to protect myself and my emotional health.

 

You are doing the right thing by avoiding them. I'm my family's scapegoat too. I believe we have a right to healthy boundaries with toxic family members, or anyone who is toxic to our well being. I'm 40 and have accepted that my family will never relinquish their distorted, dysfunctional family roles because it gives them power - or they like to think it gives them power, especially over me.

 

Take my situation. My brother estranged himself from me a few years ago. He's younger than me, but has always been an antagonist with people he doesn't like.

 

Since the estrangement, my sister has her kids lie to me about the time they spend with my brother's kids which I think is psychologically harmful to her children since it's training them to distrust me as their aunt when they get older. Her five year old son lied to me about attending his cousin's 5th birthday when I asked him. I didn't bother confronting my sister about it because she would cut me off from her children whom I love dearly.

 

So this year I decided, to h*ll with my family. I sent both my mother and sister emails to tell them I wasn't participating in Christmas Eve with the family this year because of my estrangement with my brother. I said it was a boundary issue which is my right. Do you know how my mother responded? She called me a "12 year old." Insert any curse words you use and that's what I thought when I read her email. Do I respect my mother? Not anymore. And I'm 40. I don't have to when she treats me that way.

 

My sister didn't respond to my email. Her silent treatment is something I'm used to. So I'm spending Christmas Eve at my cousin's.

 

Sooner or later family scapegoats like us have to put ourselves first in our own lives. We will never be able to please our families because it's a game of power, that's how family dysfunction operates. Family scapegoats are the family's emotional waste bin where they toss all their repressed emotions and psychological garbage, completely uncaring about the consequences.

 

You are doing right by avoiding your sisters at all costs. Do whatever you need to take care of yourself. You - are your first priority. Not your family.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

If they cause you hurt and you have talked to them and they still hurt you, then it is probably best that you minimize your contact with them. I'm currently in a sort of similar situation where I have cut my mom out of my life. My sister has done the same thing too.

 

Our mother abuses prescription drugs and lies that she doesn't, but i've seen the receipts of purchases online for it. She says we love our stepmother more than her. She tells complete lies about me to my dad and sister as well as the other ways around. When we do nice things for her such as care for her dog while mom is sick, she suddenly goes crazy and says we stole the dog. I think she's mentally losing it...and not willing to get help or improve herself. She lives alone and I feel bad that she has no one, but she was giving me anxiety attacks.

 

When someone affects you that much, it's not healthy and you need to back off. You're right, it's difficult for you, but sounds like you are doing pretty well so far. Stay strong, but keep a small part of you always open for a possible reconnection. But your health comes first. Happy holidays!

 

Sorry to hear things have been so difficult with your Mum, it must be hard her being like that as you probably kind of feel obliged to care for her and perhaps guilty when you decide to limit contact.

 

But yes, my sisters and other relatives do really upset me so badly that I can't face them right now, especially in a group situation such as Christmas. It is hard, and in a way feels as hurtful doing this as I would feel actually still seeing them but isn't it better to do bad all by yourself?!

 

Merry Christmas to you too, thanks for the support!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

You are doing the right thing by avoiding them. I'm my family's scapegoat too. I believe we have a right to healthy boundaries with toxic family members, or anyone who is toxic to our well being. I'm 40 and have accepted that my family will never relinquish their distorted, dysfunctional family roles because it gives them power - or they like to think it gives them power, especially over me.

 

Take my situation. My brother estranged himself from me a few years ago. He's younger than me, but has always been an antagonist with people he doesn't like.

 

Since the estrangement, my sister has her kids lie to me about the time they spend with my brother's kids which I think is psychologically harmful to her children since it's training them to distrust me as their aunt when they get older. Her five year old son lied to me about attending his cousin's 5th birthday when I asked him. I didn't bother confronting my sister about it because she would cut me off from her children whom I love dearly.

 

So this year I decided, to h*ll with my family. I sent both my mother and sister emails to tell them I wasn't participating in Christmas Eve with the family this year because of my estrangement with my brother. I said it was a boundary issue which is my right. Do you know how my mother responded? She called me a "12 year old." Insert any curse words you use and that's what I thought when I read her email. Do I respect my mother? Not anymore. And I'm 40. I don't have to when she treats me that way.

 

My sister didn't respond to my email. Her silent treatment is something I'm used to. So I'm spending Christmas Eve at my cousin's.

 

Sooner or later family scapegoats like us have to put ourselves first in our own lives. We will never be able to please our families because it's a game of power, that's how family dysfunction operates. Family scapegoats are the family's emotional waste bin where they toss all their repressed emotions and psychological garbage, completely uncaring about the consequences.

 

You are doing right by avoiding your sisters at all costs. Do whatever you need to take care of yourself. You - are your first priority. Not your family.

 

Hi there, I remember your stories about your brother and am about to read your newest thread on here, may take me a while though as it has a lot of posts!

 

Your Mum just sounds like she doesn't want to take responsibility for the way you are treated, and is trying to deflect back on to you insinuating that it is you with the problem! I totally understand how it feels, and cannot blame you for not wanting to see your brother and his mob over Christmas. Glad you seem to have maintained a healthy relationship with your cousins though as I remember you were worried your brother would poison their minds against you (((hugs)))

 

Sorry to hear the children are involved in all this, if possible please try not to comment where they are concerned, just keep out of it and do not play the game.

 

Well I am 30 and during the last few months I have just had the same painful realisation that I am the scapegoat, the family do not love and accept me; they have rejected me. It is awful, I feel hurt daily over this but I know it wont change so I can either carry on spending time with them and play my position of black sheep, or just avoid them. I have chosen the latter, but have taken it to such an extreme that I will make sure I am away at a friends house or staying in a hotel if my sisters want to visit my parents house which is where I am temporarily living. It is very stressful, I feel I cannot relax here. I know things will improve a little once I am out of the environment and standing on my own two feet again, but with the recession it has been hard to build up enough money to move out. Hard to explain on here but every door is currently closed for me, hope my luck changes soon!

 

My friend thinks I can't keep running away from them, and that I will have to face them again someday, she thinks I should just be civil because the way I am acting right now I am carrying the problem on and on. She is right but remember what we said on here about it being paramount to protect our emotional health? Therefore we need to eliminate toxic people, whether we look bad or not cos let's face it, our families will find fault with us no matter what.

 

My Mum and Dad are trying to create even more drama, they are being as awkward as possible about me cutting contact with my sisters for now, my Mum even went hysterical screaming at me for 'thriving on bad feeling and causing trouble'. Both my parents have accused me of doing this just to prove a point! It makes me so angry, the reason I can't see my sisters is because I really cannot face them, it would be too painful at the moment. I am still way too raw from the incidences over the summer. But naturally they all side with my sisters, it is easier to listen to them because they are in stereo but there is just one of me! Oh, and being the scapegoat means your name is automatically mud.

[setsenia]

My husband's mother is exactly like that! They try an make it seem like WE are the problem by saying we think we do nothing wrong and have no regrets when it is THEM that think that way. When his mother thought she was dying of cancer, she even said she had no regrets. So obviously she doesn't regret being a horrible mother to her son all his life and has only just made excuses for her actions instead of owning up to them. Like "I was never maternal, or I was young when I had you, or it's because of my traumatic childhood." I have never once heard them apologize for anything or feel bad about their actions. Especially when they have always treated their dogs better than their son/stepson. I always see them talking bad about others or complaining about other people, but never once have they thought they did something wrong. They just want to reflect it on others and think everyone else is the problem.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

My husband's mother is exactly like that! They try an make it seem like WE are the problem by saying we think we do nothing wrong and have no regrets when it is THEM that think that way. When his mother thought she was dying of cancer, she even said she had no regrets. So obviously she doesn't regret being a horrible mother to her son all his life and has only just made excuses for her actions instead of owning up to them. Like "I was never maternal, or I was young when I had you, or it's because of my traumatic childhood." I have never once heard them apologize for anything or feel bad about their actions. Especially when they have always treated their dogs better than their son/stepson. I always see them talking bad about others or complaining about other people, but never once have they thought they did something wrong. They just want to reflect it on others and think everyone else is the problem.

 

Why is it that dysfunctional families always have to have someone to blame??? And usually they target the scapegoat for the easiest option, urgh. Why are these people oblivious to what THEY are like? Why do these families like to blame everyone else yet never take a look in the mirror at themselves? It would seem that they lack empathy and the word 'sorry' does not seem to be in their lexicon!

 

Sorry to hear you are your husband have had to endure all that over the years, ridiculous how his parents turn it round and make you guys feel like it is YOU with the problem.

 

It is shocking what people block out and refuse to see, at the moment one of my sisters and I are on occasional email terms, she said she does not have a clue what she has done to hurt me!!! Wow! I have just stuck to my guns and said I do not feel ready to face her or talk about what has happened as it will just further upset me.

[setsenia]

Oh exactly! My husband is passive and always did whatever they told him to do and they take complete advantage of it, because they know they can. It's a bit sick, but there are people like that in the world. There really shouldn't be any reason for them to have such a bad relationship, because he always did what he was told, but I guess that was the problem. He never stuck up for himself. He was 22 when we started dating, 23 when he moved out from his parents. They would complain about his job changes saying he's making a mistake, but what is it to them? It's our life, we can do what we please. I mean his mom would get all pushed out of shape because he didn't want to stick with the same crappy, low paying job the rest of his life. He wanted to go back to school and make something of himself. And then after we got married, they still felt the need to lecture us about our finances and jobs and whatnot! Actually, it was them needing to focus on their OWN finances, because his stepfather got laid off his job a few months later and lost 2/3 of their income and had 60k worth of debt on top of that. Very hypocritical. I'm really glad I came into my husband's life and made him see he doesn't need to be treated that way, he doesn't put up with their crap anymore and could care less if he ever saw them again! LOL