Am I Taking Crazy Pills?

[rootless]

I'll keep this as short and sweet as possible, but for anyone who's curious about the details, I spilled my guts fairly spectacularly here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t277772/

 

I haven't visited the board in quite a while, and for the most part, that's been a really positive reflection of my circumstances and state of mind.

 

It's been a year since my breakup, and I'm happy to say that I've been exceedingly proud of the way I've handled it, by and large.

No pleading, no harassing, no idiotic plots of revenge, no stalking-- nothing like that.

 

I pretty much just picked up my Legos and went home.

 

I'm not 100% capable of being objective about it, but I can say with a reasonable degree of honesty that it was more or less the laziest, most inept, least considerate breakup I've been unfortunate enough to experience. (I'm in my mid 30's, so this isn't my first rodeo.)

 

For those who have seen Office Space, I got what I like to call "Lumburg-ed": "Yyyyyeeeeahhhh..... I don't think this is gonna woooork..."

 

This was after 2 years, which included a hugely painful breakup/separation, followed by 5 months of genuinely tireless work to "win" her back.

I can honestly say it was the most earnest effort I've ever made in my life. I made a TON of progress owning up to my bullsh** , improving myself, and generally busting my hump to make things work between us.

 

Our reconciliation lasted about 5 months, until dysfunction-- her inability to communicate, and my misguided willingness to put up with it -- started rearing it's ugly head again. Long story short, I was shown the door with a staggering lack of compassion and consideration. I was legitimately STUNNED. If I'm honest with myself, it didn't surprise me entirely that she was running (again)-- but I was just absolutely gobsmacked at her utterly apathetic and thoughtless handling of the situation.

 

So, I just walked away. I scraped myself up off the pavement, salvaged as much dignity as I possibly could, and let her be. Getting dumped twice was plenty for me, and I'd had enough. So I very quietly, very politely removed myself from her life, and her from mine.

 

Immediately following, there wasn't much contact at all -- just some short, disappointingly empty text messages, and a few half-hearted, passive-aggressive, almost bizarre attempts to get me to engage with her over Facebook.

 

It was insanely difficult not respond to this stuff, but I made myself a promise that I wasn't going to interact with her, unless there was *some* level of sincerity.

It just didn't make sense to keep opening myself up to someone who refused to risk anything real with me.

I was tired of being the dude with his heart on his sleeve while she continually played it safe.

 

I didn't see her developing the capacity for anything profound or genuine any time soon, so I made the hard decision to ignore her and focus on getting over it.

 

5 months later, she finally got around to apologizing. Again, it was a fairly obligatory, boilerplate message, but this time I responded, as I know that she has *enormous* difficulties expressing emotions that make her feel vulnerable, or in any way uncomfortable.

 

I basically told her that I loved her very much, that I wished her a life filled with joy and learning and growth... but that I'd like her to stay away from me. I wished her no ill will whatever, but I just couldn't rationalize maintaining a friendship, or any relationship at all, with someone who could so readily throw me under the bus. I told her I forgave her change of heart, but not her behavior.

 

In truth, I'll most likely love that woman until I'm in the grave, but I'd be doing myself, and her, a giant disservice if I didn't hold her accountable for how crappy she treated me.

 

I didn't want to punish anyone, or get even -- I just wanted to be left alone.

 

Pretty simple, right?

I mean, it's not rocket science: why in God's name would you voluntarily let someone into your life who has proven-- on *multiple* occasions -- that they'll run out on you? And do so in an unbelievably careless manner.

 

So, that was that....

 

I thought.

 

The last week, for reasons TOTALLY beyond my understanding, she's started sniffing around my life again-- checking in with my friends, signing in to my graphic design website, and subscribing to my updates on Facebook. (She's been defriended, and I have zero contact with her online-- however, I do keep some stuff public, so I can use it to help market myself as a freelance designer.)

 

I just don't get it.

I've emphatically told this person that I don't want any involvement with her.

I've done everything humanly possible to give her a wide berth, and just get on with my life.

 

And to be totally honest, as petty as it may seem, the fact that she's looking in on my work *really* irritates me.

 

I wish it didn't, but it honestly upsets and confuses me.

 

I just don't understand the motive.

 

She bailed on our marriage plans, she broke up with me with all the kindness and warmth people normally reserve for a checkout clerk, and it takes her 5 months to cough up a completely lame, hamfisted apology.

 

She knows how much I loved her.

She knows how much she hurt me.

She knows how disappointed I was with her behavior.

And I've asked her, explicitly, to leave me alone and let me heal.

 

I've left ZERO room for doubt about whether or not I want anything to do with her.

 

Yet she thinks it's hunky dory to check in on my friends, my career and my artwork?!?

 

WTF?!?!

 

I know I'm being hyper-sensitive, but it's so frigging annoying.

At best, it's stupid and oblivious.

At worst, it's disrespectful, if not flat-out cruel.

 

The stuff she's checking out is stuff that I'm proud of, that I work extremely hard on, that means a tremendous amount to me. And if I can vent for a second, it's stuff that I DON'T WANT TO SHARE WITH HER.

 

Yes, I know that it's probably unreasonable for me to feel like this, and that I have no real recourse to prevent from her viewing material that I chose to make public, but it makes me angry, nonetheless.

 

I offered her my heart, and welcomed her into my life, which is a pretty huge deal to me.

And she tossed that aside. Twice.

 

So it just really bothers me that she thinks it's okay to look in on the fun, entertaining parts of my life, when she so callously dismissed everything that went along with it.

 

Despite being crushed and hurt, I have gone MILES out of my way not to be disruptive, or vindictive, or in any way hurtful towards her.

 

I've tried so hard to be the bigger person-- to just keep my mouth shut and work my a** off to improve my life.

And all I've asked in return is for her to stay away.

 

Why can't she respect that?

 

Sorry for the rant -- but I really needed to vent.

Edited December 12, 2011 by rootless

[Popehappycat]

As the good lord sayeth: b*tches be crazy.

[rootless]

I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it totally hits a sore spot.

 

As much as I loved that woman, it confuses the hell out of me, and makes me a little furious when she finds these completely insignificant, but thoroughly aggravating ways to weasel herself back into my head.

 

 

I have no idea where she got the idea this would be something I'd be cool with.

Sorry, sweetie, but I'm not available a la carte.

This isn't Hometown Buffet.

 

Ugh.

[fucpcg]

I read a great line in here recently, and it was in so many words "at any given point in our lives we are all doing the best that we can do". My ex broke up with me after really screwing up with her. Im 41, and she is the first girl I ever proposed to, and the first girl I ever had leave me because of my actions. Go figure. Since dumping me, she has treated me beyond horribly. All I know is, like you, I will love this girl to the grave. She has issues, i've learned I have issues.... but she is my soulmate. Ive handled the break as best as I could, and she went all trainwrexk on me, yet I will continue with the high ground, as I know we all make mistakes, some that we will regret to the grave.... now is no time for you to lose the high ground and lose it on her.

[rootless]

I try to remind myself regularly that, as counter-intuitive as it feels, I should have sympathy and compassion for her -- she really is an amazing woman, she just has a metric buttload of emotional obstacles she just can't seem to overcome.

 

I recognize that I played a part in all of it, but during our second go-around, I'm *fully* confident that I did my best. I have NO remorse or embarrassment about the way I conducted myself... in truth, my only regret is the extent to which I accommodated her shortcomings.

 

And that, ironically, shone a bright light on what *my* shortcoming is:

I am far too willing to put up with crap.

I'm far too quick to accept blame, shoulder burdens, and endure sh*tty treatment that I absolutely don't deserve.

 

It's something I'm really working hard on.

 

Which is why this admittedly stupid episode bothers me so much.

 

I have *finally* gotten to a point in my life where I'm no longer willing to settle for lukewarm, middling, half-measures.

 

I've embraced more than my fair share of bullsh*t, and I'm over it.

I want the real deal.

 

Not this crap where I'm called on to pick up the slack for someone else's inadequacies.

 

I just resent the hell out of the role she seems to want to assign me; like somehow it's my duty to provide her with

fond memories and a sense of inclusion, when she offers NOTHING in return.

 

Why the hell should I provide any kind of entertainment or diversion to a woman who's completely willing to ditch me, for no other reason than she's not capable of expressing herself like a grown-up?

 

I want real love in my life. Real partnership. Real commitment.

Messy, challenging, elevating, terrifying, wonderful love.

 

Not someone who's too cowardly to talk to me like a human being.

 

I know she can't offer me what I deserve.

 

I just wish she'd stay the f**k out the way, so I can continue becoming the man who'll be at home in a deep, fulfilling, supportive relationship.

Edited December 12, 2011 by rootless

[solobeary]

I can completely see why you'd be frustrated with her behaviour, she should have just stayed away. Subscribing on facebook is the exact type of annoying, pointless, confusing, half-arsed behaviour that so many of the dumpees that threw the people on this forum under busses seem to be so fond of.

 

Also, I wanted to add that your username made me smile. Not sure whether this is intentional, but root is slang for sex here in Australia. Funny pun.

[sugarmomma]

If you haven't googled baggage reclaim I think you should. The blog specializes in unavailable people. Your story is so similar to mine except this is the first breakup and I have handled it with grace and class. I told him to throw anything I left at his place in the garbage last week but he felt a need to contact me today to say that he hadn't. Don't think I'll give him a second chance to jerk me around.

 

What happens the next time when they start to act cold, distant and detached. Have they acquired the coping skills to deal with the sometimes uncomfortable feelings that are fairly normal in a relationship? I don't expect perfection but I do expect some problem solving/coping skills when things get challenging. That would be great instead of saying "I don't want anything serious". Really? Just 2 months ago he loved me dearly and thanked God that I came into his life.

 

There's all kinds of love. You have the shallow/fickle/flaky kind and then you have the deep/enduring/committed kind.

 

Hers was the shallow kind and yours was the opposite. Best wishes to you.