I don't know how to leave

[glong425]

Oh God, I want out of my marriage SO badly. Having been divorced once already, I'm well aware of how much the process SUCKS. For years now, I have stayed in this marriage knowing that it is easier to tolerate the misery of a bad relationship than begin the process of divorce. I'm stuck. I don't remember how to do this.

 

I have been married for 9 years now. Looking back on the earlier days of our relationship, I know I should have trusted my gut when I thought to myself "I can't imagine being in a long-term relationship with this man." All excuses aside, I became pregnant and, despite questioning my actions, said "I do." Things were only good for a very little while. My husband is bi-polar and an alcoholic. Small details that escaped me in the early days. The first violet episode was shortly after the birth of our son. Without going into details, again I should have RAN for the hills. I hated myself for staying, and always hoped that tomorrow would be better.

 

Several years into this relationship I gave the ultimatum that he get help or find a new place to live. Several years of different medications followed, but unfortunately were relatively useless due to the alcoholism. Again, a turning point arrived about 10 mos ago when he became violet, called the police on himself, and went to jail. I experienced extreme relief that night, knowing he would not be returning to the house. But when he called, I let him come home. If you have ever lived with a manic depressive personality, you will know the difficulty in escaping from one of these relationships. He is truley 2 different people, and once the Good man is back, I have a difficult time imagining punishing him for the Bad man's actions.

 

He has been sober now for 10 months. You would think things would be good, but the fact is, sobriety has pushed me further away than ever. I don't trust him. I don't believe he will never drink again. I'm having a very difficult time even liking him. Again the guilt. Sure, he's sober, and NOW I want out? I think I was hoping sobriety would repair all of the wrongs in our lives, and now that it has not, I want to give up. I have no try left in me. It will break his heart. I still feel guilty. I have been told for years now that I have already put up with more than most would be willing to put up with. Maybe it's my way of righting the wrongs of my first marriage. I'm not getting any younger. I will be 40 on my next birthday and have reached a point where I want to be CONTENT in my lifestyle. I do not want everything activity, action and conversation to involve stress and tension. I want to feel safe. I would rather be lonely by myself than lonely with him. Help me.

[KirkCamp]

Sorry to hear of your misfortunes and going through a divorce already. I would say the best route to take is communicate with him about this somehow, I am guessing having his sponsor or whatever they call it help him through this. Counseling would not be a bad idea if you decide to take that route - really, you have a child and it wouldn't hurt as long as you were both willing to talk which I am not getting that you have to him about this lately. There's this book, Mars and Venus On A Date (sorry to keep coming back to this) which has helped me come to realize not everyone you love is who you should end up being with - worth a look for you, I think or there is a book geared more towards divorce (both by John Grey). If you both decide it's over, counseling should still be involved somehow. Proceed with caution, play fair with this and try to figure out together as a family what would truly be best. My ex - wife had panic attacks, I can understand the guilt - however, talk with him abotu this and not at him about this. Make sense ? I'll pray for you both.