Question for weekend dads (or mums)...

[BrettLost]

I get my kids friday arv through to sunday arv, every week. I do feel very fortunate to be able to do so, however...

 

a) Come sunday evening, alone, I'm very depressed about it all. This drags into Monday's work, even Tuesday. By Wednesday I'm usually right, but looking forward to Friday arv as a goal keeps me going... Is everyone living like this?

Week to week survival with visitation being your holy grail? How does one switch off/over on Sunday in order to have peace during the week of work?

 

b) I'm also struggling to find balance between who I AM during the week, and who I am on the weekend. Not to be so black & white about it, but splitting the married man/dad tie is difficult. To be truly single, i feel one has no responsibilties other than to themselves, whereas to us with children this will never be the way. Is it a case of living 2 personalities, single dad and single guy (although similar, they are worlds apart).

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm walking up a decending escalator here.....

[Damia]

Great that you are so involved with your kids brettlost. Your interest and support in your children's lives will make a huge difference to who they grow up to be.

 

My xH has contact with our children every 6 weeks or so for a couple of hours when he can fit them in with his romance! Please don't get to this stage when you start dating again although you don't sound like the kind of dad to do that.

 

Is there a possibility of you having the children for a few hours mid week?

Are they old enough to play sport can you take them to practice?

Do you have any mates in the same situation can you get together midweek to do something?

 

In time you will find your week gets better earlier.seems we all take different lengths of time to settle into new roles.Im 14mths out and just feeling good now.

[russell1968]

I get my kids friday arv through to sunday arv, every week. I do feel very fortunate to be able to do so, however...

 

a) Come sunday evening, alone, I'm very depressed about it all. This drags into Monday's work, even Tuesday. By Wednesday I'm usually right, but looking forward to Friday arv as a goal keeps me going... Is everyone living like this?

Week to week survival with visitation being your holy grail? How does one switch off/over on Sunday in order to have peace during the week of work?

 

b) I'm also struggling to find balance between who I AM during the week, and who I am on the weekend. Not to be so black & white about it, but splitting the married man/dad tie is difficult. To be truly single, i feel one has no responsibilties other than to themselves, whereas to us with children this will never be the way. Is it a case of living 2 personalities, single dad and single guy (although similar, they are worlds apart).

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm walking up a decending escalator here.....

 

Brett,

I'm the same, i have my girls every weekend and i love it! The only downside is i have to see my STBXW!!

 

As much as i love having them i find it really hard to have any time to my self, i work all week and have my girls every weekend! I would love to be able to have some sort of social life however it's tough enough keeping up with the washing.

[BrettLost]

Thanks guys,

 

It just feels as though life is stagnant until Friday. Like u mention russel, work chores etc leave little time to recharge, come Friday though, all that can wait. But before u know it, it's Sunday, alone. The thing with daughters too, from what I've seen, is they NEED their dads love and male guidance (anyone can disagree if they feel justified to do so). It's just now, that has become harder for them to access and benefit from.

 

Damia, mates.... Hahaha, very few at present. Not that there hasnt been social connections made, just I feel incapable of letting ANYONE in. Could be trust, could just be totally suffocated with it all. There is a possibility of seeing them midweek, maybe for dinner, I am definitely looking into it. Might break up my work week life a little.

 

The missing piece of my puzzle is not mates, it's a SO. I loved being in a couple, with and without kids. I got plenty mates in here anyway

 

Thank you again.

[russell1968]

Thanks guys,

 

It just feels as though life is stagnant until Friday. Like u mention russel, work chores etc leave little time to recharge, come Friday though, all that can wait. But before u know it, it's Sunday, alone. The thing with daughters too, from what I've seen, is they NEED their dads love and male guidance (anyone can disagree if they feel justified to do so). It's just now, that has become harder for them to access and benefit from.

 

Damia, mates.... Hahaha, very few at present. Not that there hasnt been social connections made, just I feel incapable of letting ANYONE in. Could be trust, could just be totally suffocated with it all. There is a possibility of seeing them midweek, maybe for dinner, I am definitely looking into it. Might break up my work week life a little.

 

The missing piece of my puzzle is not mates, it's a SO. I loved being in a couple, with and without kids. I got plenty mates in here anyway

 

Thank you again.

 

Brett, How old are your daughters?

 

I feel the same during the week as i have no real friends where i live!

When i get home from work i get my running gear on and off out i go! By the time i get back and eat it's bedtime! Clears the head and keeps me busy!

[andyg99]

a) Come sunday evening, alone, I'm very depressed about it all. This drags into Monday's work, even Tuesday. By Wednesday I'm usually right, but looking forward to Friday arv as a goal keeps me going... Is everyone living like this?

.

 

I too had the same feeling is the very beginning... Sunday nights were the worst... here's what I did: after dropping them off Sunday afternoon I went for a long run, when I was done I was physically tired and my mind wandered less... during the week I committed to my work 100% - the goal was to rebuild my finances (lost the house, was pretty much broke - we all know the picture)... after a couple of years this was routine, I was happy, healthy and I was able to buy a home again!

 

We all wish we could be with our kids 100% of the time, but we have to accept our reality and make the best of it... it's ok to feel sad and sorry for ourselves early on but eventually we have to make a choice and make the best life we can for ourselves and our children...

[BrettLost]

Russel,

My daughters are 7 and 4. Staying busy does seem to be the key. When ur mind is idle, all sorts of stuff starts comin back and messing u up.

 

Andy,

Seems both you and Russel benefit from a run. If not a fan of running, but a 20 min sesh on the bag should do. They say excercise is a great natural release of dopamine. I've started going to work differently also, looking at it like a hobby/something to do instead of just a means to an income. Not only does it help with an idle mind, but the days fly.

 

Thanks guys.

[jaymz]

I have my kids everyother weekend from friday 6:30pm until sunday 6:30pm, plus extra days, evenings when I can.

 

I hate it. Abosultely hate it. I miss them so much. My favourite time was getting home from work, them running to give me a hug and then I chat to them about their day and their little lives while bathing them and putting them to bed. Just 30/45 minutes a day because of the hours of my job and the commute.

 

I phone them 2/3 times a week for only a few minutes. It just isnt the same.

 

At the moment I am still just dad. I just work during the week, try and have evenings out with friends/work colleagues etc but it just isnt the same. I dont invesige myself being single person yet and thats probably why I dont act like it.

 

At the moment I have lost all interest in doing anything else, like keep fit, new hobby, going out etc. Just seem to hit a low point. I guess its just because it is christmas I feel like it, another first I am going through with a broken up family.

 

Hopefully when we finish getting these "firsts", we can actually start to move on better. But I do wonder sometimes if STBXW and scumbag are being hit the same way?

[russell1968]

Andy,

Seems both you and Russel benefit from a run. If not a fan of running, but a 20 min sesh on the bag should do. They say excercise is a great natural release of dopamine. I've started going to work differently also, looking at it like a hobby/something to do instead of just a means to an income. Not only does it help with an idle mind, but the days fly.

 

.

 

Brett, check this out www.crossfit.com it works very well for me, i dropped 24ibs when i started training with it.

[andyg99]

I have my kids everyother weekend from friday 6:30pm until sunday 6:30pm, plus extra days, evenings when I can.

 

I hate it. Abosultely hate it. I miss them so much.

 

I know where you are coming from but you need to turn that hate around... it is what it is... make that 6:30 fri - 6:30 sun the BEST it can be... don't focus on what you don't have but focus on what you DO have!!! sometimes we think we are shielding our emotions from or kids - we think they don't see it, they do... they need to see a happy dad, you will get there, just keep thinking about not what you hate but what THEY love!

[BrettLost]

Thanks for the tip russel, im not unfit, but any sort of physical activitiy does good for my mentality.

 

Andy, top attitude man. Very positive.

 

I thought id get through this xmas time ok, but as others mentioned it just tears u to shreds. Gets to the point where continuing on like this seems unfathomable.

 

I do wish everyone the absolute best day tomorrow. I hope it can be spent happily with your children as i will try to with mine.

 

Merry Christmas.

[BrettLost]

Jaymz,

 

I have trouble becoming the single man also. I'm starting to let go of, or shift away from dad-mode until the weekends. Its like a 50 20 split (weekwise). The more i let go, and leave them be during the week, the more it is helping me re-find who I am, as I was, before it all.

 

I feel it neglects my responsibility a little, by being selfish, but they are with her anyway and I have been in quite bad shape figuring out who the F*(K I am now. By shutting it off mon-fri i hope to begin a new life socially, perhaps even romantically should the oppurtunity arise.

 

The reality is she seems happy, and to a point, I am happy for her. My kids sadly have no choice, but wont know any different and to be honest, what can I really do about it.

 

If I dont find myself, when they are grown, I'l still be searching.

[Soxfaninfl]

I have my kids everyother weekend from friday 6:30pm until sunday 6:30pm, plus extra days, evenings when I can.

 

I hate it. Abosultely hate it. I miss them so much.

 

I have my son every other week 50% of the time. You can change your visitation schedule at any time. You don't have to settle for what you have if you want more time with them. You will have to go to court, and it will cost you, but it's well worth it. I had to spend 7,000 to get 50%, but it was well worth it.

[BearMox]

consider changing your schedule brettlost. its healthy to have time to yourself to adjust as a single person. also as your social circle regrows you'll hopefully meet other single moms/dads that will bring support.

 

the depression comes with the season. count your blessings, own your mistakes and love people. let the good flow through the pain, rather then trying to resist the pain.

[fucpcg]

Jaymz,

 

I have trouble becoming the single man also. I'm starting to let go of, or shift away from dad-mode until the weekends. Its like a 50 20 split (weekwise). The more i let go, and leave them be during the week, the more it is helping me re-find who I am, as I was, before it all.

 

I feel it neglects my responsibility a little, by being selfish, but they are with her anyway and I have been in quite bad shape figuring out who the F*(K I am now. By shutting it off mon-fri i hope to begin a new life socially, perhaps even romantically should the oppurtunity arise.

 

The reality is she seems happy, and to a point, I am happy for her. My kids sadly have no choice, but wont know any different and to be honest, what can I really do about it.

 

If I dont find myself, when they are grown, I'l still be searching.

 

I totally believe in the chinese yin and yang, all things in balance in life. To be a good father, you must be good to you as well. To be a good you, you must be a good father. Whether together or not with the wife and kids, you should have maintained interests that satisfied you. My ex and I always lifted weights together, it was some of our private time, it was good for us, and we enjoyed it. I love cooking, so I'd make elaborate meals, it was great for the kids and the ex, great for me. My ex had shared custody of her children, and her children were active in sports, so she would get to see them at games when not her nights to be with the boys. She also coached a lot of the teams they were on, more time together with her boys, and she coached her kids in a sport she loved. Yin and yang. I love hiking, love animals, love animal rescue. I always have a shelter dog around, as a foster home. I hike the dog in local creeks in summer, and take the boys with me to go swimming and playing in the water. This works because the dog is happy, the kids are happy, im happy, and when the kids are gone, I still have the dog for company.

 

I got involved with this mother of three as described above, and we dated for a year, then she ended it with me and refused to talk to me. When we were together I did everything with her boys, I never missed spending time with all of us every single weekend she had them. When we split it crushed me. 10 months later, not much has changed. The emptiness of my weekends was soo hard to deal with. I knew I had to move on, what choice do I have? I went back to what I knew, sports. Last summer I played on 2 softball leagues, 2 volleyball leagues, tennis league, plus my usual rollerblading, kayaking, swimming, etc. It kept my sanity, and in a good way vs. Happy hour at the bar. I am still missing her boys terribly however, so I started thinking why aren't I volunteering for children programs? I got involved in Gliding Stars, just found Chemo Pal, and how to be Special Olympics coach. What I always knew, and solidified with my exs boys, is that I love children, period. They don't have to be yours to touch you, when you really love kids. I now volunteer to help kids that are not my exs boys, and I still miss those boys soo much, but I am with kids that need a father figure, mentor, etc, and it is rewarding. There are other kids out ther that can use you assistance, and your love, who are not your daughters, and working with them could be a great supplement to your life and theirs. It will help you become the best man possible, when you do stuff like this. Being the best man you can be helps you become the best father possible. That makes for a better future for your daughters, an teaches them love and compassion by example.

 

Respect bro, thanks for being a caring father. I grew up with uncaring parents, and I know how difficult it can make life. This is why today I am so loving and caring of children. There is nothing I respect more than a good loving father. Nothing I enjoy more than time with children. Those who don't take an interest in their kids have no idea what they are missing.

[BrettLost]

Holy ****. Thanks for the support guys.

 

Soxfaninfl,

I think at this stage, with my work, it is the way it is. Should I happen to find a SO, then I will need some 'me' time on weekend with her, thus, taking the kids during the week perhaps will balance it out.

 

BearMox,

It is quite the challenge to find yourself again, as an individual. Like having a split personality, yet both are quite the same person just with different needs.

 

fucpcg,

I too believe in balance, but creating that when it has been shifted dramatically is taking awhile.

You mention the bond u are able to create with children who are not ur own, as true as it is, this upset me a little. I know OM is doing things with STBXW and my kids, outings or whatnot, to know he is potentially creating a deep bond with them is bloody heartbreaking.

Im not sure if he is fully taking on a father type role in that "family", but it must get confusing for the kids? I dont know, my parents never split.

 

I know of 'real dads' who were losers, so the kids looked up to OM instead, fair enough. But if bio-dad was doing his best and is an allround solid guy, there becomes this competitive like psudeo mentality of whos better. I dont want to play into that crap, but I continually feel undermined for the 8yrs of my life i gave to them, aswell as the effort it takes me to stay active within their lives.

 

You sound as though you are quite social by nature, Im not so engaging, i guess. Im only really getting my toes wet now.

[debtman]

BrettLost,

 

Keep moving forward and focus on your kids and YOURSELF! I know how hard it is...what I tried to do at first was to actively plan as many things to do during the nights I didn't have my kids as I could.

 

I'm lucky in that I'm close enough to my stbx and she's interested in me being an active part of the kids lives that I get them every other weekend (Fri. night to Mon. morning) and 2 nights during the week (after school until the next morning), so it's almost 50%.

 

It was really hard at first to get myself involved again, but I had to keep reminding myself of what I was like before getting involved with her. I was happy, active, involved and lived every moment.

 

So, I got back into all the activities that I loved, kayaking, rock climbing, volleyball, skydiving, etc. and tried some new ones, kite surfing, dancing (swing, salsa, tango, etc.). That really helped fill my time and helped me begin to appreciate all the time I have now to focus on myself.

 

I've picked up a part-time job at my buddies bar, so now I have something to do on weekends when I don't have the kids, and, a few weeks ago, I went out with a younger woman that I've been playing volleyball with for months and now we're in a "relationship" but I'm trying to be careful about keeping that separate from my time with my kids until I know if it's going to work out or not.

 

Anyway, what I'm getting at here is that it WILL get easier. You WILL find ways to fill that time and focus back on YOUR life. You need to do what you can to make yourself into the BEST role-model you can be for your kids.

 

You're on the right path...keep moving forward...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[BrettLost]

Thanks Debtman.

 

I've returned to being a lurker here. So much was written about "action" over procrastination. It is true. The more I thought about stuff, the less i did in reality to move on from it, the reverse applies. I'm an over-thinker by nature, so coming here alot makes me surpress my individuality and personable qualities due to over-analysation of social circumstances. Especially now ive been frequenting the "dating" section.....

 

I still have harsh nights, but they are far less frequent. Like if a shark ate your leg, only for so long could you hate the shark, the water, your love of boating or whatever. Eventually u accept u swam, it took it from you, but you are still alive and perhaps someday will enter the water again despite the tragedy it brought you. Forever you would see your missing leg, but as a courageous reminder that you survived it.

Wow, that was quite profound hahaha, nice. Im actually re-reading it.

 

I have had a little luck with dating sites. No actual meetings yet, but am getting comfortable with some single mums. I feel regular single folk just arent in the same mentality league as those of us with children.

 

I miss my daughters sooooooo much. But it is out of my hands. Any thoughts of them being in a real family are quickly dismissed. It aint happenin.

 

Like u said debtman, if I do what makes ME happy, then my kids end up spending time with the happiest, positive Dad they have ever known.

[debtman]

BrettLost,

 

Good for you. Do whatever you need to do in order to keep making progress. Go with your gut and don't overthink...

 

Excellent analogy I'll have to use that one.

 

You'll be amazed at how quickly your daughters will adapt, how much the have/will pick up about the situation and how close you'll be able to get with them even though you won't be there all the time...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[BrettLost]

It's been awhile.. I'm connected to this place through the initial healing advice I so dearly needed, and received. Only fair to update on progress.

 

Divorce is done, final, finished. No funny business, no hidden cards, just what we had agreed on so I guess I am relieved in that sense.

 

NC is in full effect now. Works a treat. Nuthin but child arrangements.

 

Had the oppurtunity to share my house with a backpacker i knew from work, so I offered it, she accepted (she had a male friend also...) and it went brilliantly. They were at home the day of the divorce and just coming home to them, having a drink etc was fantastic for me.

 

I ended up building an amazing connection with her (non-sexual). She was right on my level intellectually (possibly exceeded it), and today she left. Last night, realising this was going to end, it got emotional and she stayed in my bed. I held her hand and we cried together. It was unreal. As we slowly awoke this morning, all we could do was look into each others eyes and know it was over, more tears. Amazing girl and will never be forgotten. Was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life, soooo deep.

 

I learnt from her that being myself, with my own opinions WILL be accepted by others. I hardly ever over-thought what I was doing around her. But, now I deal with the depression of letting her go.....