Ugh, sad, angry and hurt

[chelsea2011]

Just need to vent.

 

I don't know what to do right now. The Beatles song, "You've Really Got a Hold On Me" is how I feel right now (unhealthy I know). I soaked in the tub and cried my eyes out because sometimes it becomes too much.

 

He dropped off the face of the earth and I'm not sure now if interupted it all wrong. A thousand things went through my like, "Is he hurt? Did he find someone else? Is he just not that into me anymore? Was there a family emergency?" You name it and I thought it!

 

I begin to take steps to just move on because I was starting to feel like it's a hopeless situation. That I was wasting my time on something that would never be...ya know? The real life communication seem to indicate so. The online is different though. I honestly don't know who he is right now. Is he the nice guy? Or is he that "other" guy who is not so nice? "Is that other guy just a friend giving his best buddy props and looking out for him?" I don't know and I'm confused and feel quite nautious to be honest. I don't know how to approach him about this.

 

He has flooded my mind since that .. THAT horrible .. comment was made. It cut me to my core. What else was I supposed to think given how we are in real life? It's just so confusing! Dam* it! I wish he would just tell me what the h*ll he wants from me. He's gotta know that two plus two is not adding up here.

 

He KNOWS he has my heart. He KNOWS that I love him. He KNOWS I've been the most patient person in the world regarding him. He KNOWS that NO ONE else on this earth would have EVER gotten away with what he has with me. Doesn't that account for ANYTHING?! When am I suppose to start looking out for myself?

 

I own my part in this...does he own his? I think he does. I hope he sees how we "both" contributed to "us" getting to this place at least. I have and it would at least be a place to start. Dam* it...I just want to see and feel the good in it for once. It has been a dark road sometimes.

 

I want to believe the good and positive stuff, but through all the ups and downs, it became hard to have even the most remote thought of hope. I feel it, but I'm afraid to say it for fear that I will end up feeling like fool if I'm wrong. This whole thing kind of conditioned me in this way. The feeling in my heart never changed though...I know that at least. To be clear.. not in a "foggy" way anymore.

 

I saw it, but am I allowed to believe? I'm tired of constantly having to guess. The biggest saving grace in all of this, is that I've learned to look within for happiness. I know I will be okay no matter whatever comes to be. Funny thing is, I've always known that and that is what helped me get through even the darkest of times.

 

If I screwed up, I screwed up. Time will tell what the outcome will be. I think he knows I'm not withholding anything from him, so those thoughts about that one thing are wrong. When I give advice to others, it's just that...advice. It's what I have learned along the way. I know that those hard and fast rules DO NOT apply in this situation. Too much has happened and there's too much history to apply it here. It wouldn't be logical...ya know? I just need to take it slow for now.

 

Oy...my head hurts.

 

Thanks for reading if you made it this far! I'm not really looking for advice here, I just needed to get it out. Thanks again.

[chelsea2011]

I meant to write "interpretted it all wrong!" Please excuse all of the typos. I couldn't edit for some reason.

[chelsea2011]

Just a little update.

 

First, thanks for allowing me to post this vent without booting me off the board...lol. I must say, it actually felt good to express how I was feeling. And I didn't give two sh*ts about who was reading it...even better! Thaat's a first.

 

The good news is that we had a talk and I think he actually "heard me" and respected my feelings. I truly truly appreciate that and I "heard" him too. I don't think either of us want to be in that dark place anymore and it feels good to actually say it. I'm far from perfect and yes, I'm guilty of letting my fear get in the way sometimes, but I'm learning. I think we both are.

 

We both apologized and I'm really touched that he took the extra step to make sure I heard it AND felt it. I appreciate that very much. I hope he felt mine too. It's been really tough at times however, I know we both have grown quite a bit through it all.

 

Thanks again for reading! This has really helped.

Edited December 13, 2011 by chelsea2011

[Popehappycat]

You're easy to please. :-P Glad you're feeling better. :-D

[chelsea2011]

Thanks popehappycat (nice name btw), but it turns out I'm not that easy to please today. I am a very laid back person in general however, when I've been pushed into a corner, I can come out swinging.

 

I was thinking today, about everything that has transpired between us, and the more I think, the more p**sed off I get. How dare he take my very private conversations, that NO ONE has the ability to hear (not even him!) and turn them into his own personal story line! And then he expects me to believe all that crap?! How dare he present himself as one person and treat me the way he does to my face and then come across as someone different in other places. All that does is create drama...pure and simple!

 

I'm tired of it and all I want him to do is "back off!" and give me space right now. If he doesn't, I'm going to let him have it and it won't be pretty. He thinks he can sting me, well, he has no idea what one is until I sting back. That's a promise! I might be nice but I am NOT stupid.

 

Very angry about it all today. Can't you tell?

[chelsea2011]

....annnnd I'm back to sad. Ugh. Just want to feel better, but it's too hard not to cry right now. *

[chelsea2011]

Just an updated little vent.

 

I'm not really angry anymore, more like slightly perturbed... or maybe perplexed is a better word? I haven't really spoken to him much lately because I just needed some time to get in touch with my feelings about what happend the past few weeks. It was all so confusing and emotional that I didn't know what to think, so I retreated for a little while to think. That and resting because I've been sick as heck and that tapped my energy. Anyone else ever have times like that after a heated episode with the one who owns real estate on your heart?

 

All I know is that I hate it when things get heated like they did. I also know that when it finally calms down, you end up having a better understanding of the other person. The process to get there can really sting though. :\

 

Anyway, my head is getting clearer and I'm starting to get in touch with some things....feelings included. So, I'm getting there.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Thieves]

I saw it, but am I allowed to believe? I'm tired of constantly having to guess. The biggest saving grace in all of this, is that I've learned to look within for happiness. I know I will be okay no matter whatever comes to be. Funny thing is, I've always known that and that is what helped me get through even the darkest of times.

 

Hey, Chelsea. So, as it seems, you appear to be going through quite the rollercoaster. But what I found the most interesting throughout all of your venting is what's quoted above, that you know you will be okay despite whatever happens. It's amazing how much we can almost guarantee a simple fact like that, that we truly will be alright, yet still spend so much time wallowing in our downfalls or wondering if things will ever get better for us. To be honest, I think we all know that things will eventually work out for us... and that's what keeps us going through the day. It's just that the sudden feelings of sadness, anger, and pain are so overwhelming that at times they convince us that things won't change.

 

If you're constantly tired of having to guess, Chelsea, you're completely right to feel that way. No one should have to continue to guess about the person they care about or love, because there needs to be some consistency so that you know they're capable of being there for you when you need them the most. You did (and are doing) the right thing by retreating to think for a little while. Getting in touch with those feelings and thoughts you're having right now is crucial, so really think about whether what you're doing is worth it. I understand that we all care for that special person and it hurts to think of losing them, but there needs to be some meeting each other halfway...

 

You mentioned that your head is starting to get clearer, which is obviously a very good sign. Sometimes, it's necessary to just let the smoke 'clear' first after being devastated by an emotional disaster that we've run into, because that's often when we get true perspective -- not during the heat of the moment where emotions are running high and the brain/heart is practically going batsh*t.

 

So, my own personal thoughts? Do your best to try and hold on to that feeling of clarity you're currently feeling, because it's moments like those that will pull you through and also help to provide a bit of 'light' during another dark time, should you fall into one. And, try to think of it like this: the person you're with, should make you happy more than half the time. They should give you that 'energy' that makes you want to be around them, not completely tap your energy to where it causes you a lot of pain and you have to 'guess' about them half the time.

Edited December 19, 2011 by Thieves

[chelsea2011]

Da*mit! Tried posting an update and lost it all. Be back in a little while to repost.

[chelsea2011]

Hey, Chelsea. So, as it seems, you appear to be going through quite the rollercoaster. But what I found the most interesting throughout all of your venting is what's quoted above, that you know you will be okay despite whatever happens. It's amazing how much we can almost guarantee a simple fact like that, that we truly will be alright, yet still spend so much time wallowing in our downfalls or wondering if things will ever get better for us. To be honest, I think we all know that things will eventually work out for us... and that's what keeps us going through the day. It's just that the sudden feelings of sadness, anger, and pain are so overwhelming that at times they convince us that things won't change.

 

If you're constantly tired of having to guess, Chelsea, you're completely right to feel that way. No one should have to continue to guess about the person they care about or love, because there needs to be some consistency so that you know they're capable of being there for you when you need them the most.[b/] You did (and are doing) the right thing by retreating to think for a little while. Getting in touch with those feelings and thoughts you're having right now is crucial, so really think about whether what you're doing is worth it. I understand that we all care for that special person and it hurts to think of losing them, but there needs to be some meeting each other halfway...

 

You mentioned that your head is starting to get clearer, which is obviously a very good sign. Sometimes, it's necessary to just let the smoke 'clear' first after being devastated by an emotional disaster that we've run into, because that's often when we get true perspective -- not during the heat of the moment where emotions are running high and the brain/heart is practically going batsh*t.

 

So, my own personal thoughts? Do your best to try and hold on to that feeling of clarity you're currently feeling, because it's moments like those that will pull you through and also help to provide a bit of 'light' during another dark time, should you fall into one. And, try to think of it like this: the person you're with, should make you happy more than half the time. They should give you that 'energy' that makes you want to be around them, not completely tap your energy to where it causes you a lot of pain and you have to 'guess' about them half the time.

 

Thank you so much the wonderful reply! I apologize for not posting sooner. The holidays got in the way and then I was out of town. I completely agree with everything you said, especially the part in bold.

 

And ARRGH! I just tried to post a very long vent and lost it all again! So I will post the short of it.

 

I've been doing a lot of thinking and it comes down to the fact that I don't trust this man with my heart. And for a very GOOD reason!

 

It is all so unfair...this whole situation is unfair and he knows it. I will describe how it looks to me.

 

Everytime I've had enough and try to move on, all of a sudden, things begin to appear, miraculously I might add, that say I'm wrong about him and need to be patient. Why do I say miraculous? Because somehow, he got access to a very "private" conversation I had with a good friend about how, after all of the hard work I've done on myself, I was finally ready for a relationship. I said I was ready to explore my options by getting back into the dating pool. The next night I went to a social networking site we both frequent and saw an overture posted by him, with the details of my private conversation, telling me that is all he was waiting for me to realize. And that he was waiting for me. At first my heart melted and then I stopped myself; I found it very hard to believe. How do I know it was not anything more than a manipulation to keep me hooked? He has made it abundantly clear, in person, that he couldn't give me more than he was. Then I see that blog? How am I suppose to trust it?

 

I should point out that right before the blog appeared he disappeared on me! After disappearing and the above happened, a bunch of drama ensued. I get accused of cutting and running, always "doing this to us" and that I'm not trust worthy blah blah blah. The same thing always happens when I've had enough and am ready to move on. He knows it! In the past, I chose to believe it and played the stupid game and ALWAYS ended up with egg on my face. Nasty stinking rotten eggs! He has NEVER given me any indication in person that he wants anything more with me...EVER. He has always been clear about his intentions so why should I believe the stuff that suddenly appears? When I believed it in the past, nothing ever changed. It's the same sh*t different day and I ain't buying it anymore. They are nothing more than words to me because his actions show me otherwise.

 

All I know is what I see and how I'm treated in person and that is what I chose to go by. I'm doing what ANY normal self respecting woman would do under these circumstances. I have every right to explore my options without being accused of unsavory things. He has made it clear he is not able, so what else am I supppose to do? Sit around waiting for something that may never be? He doesn't make an effort to emotionally connect with me when we are together. He purposely keeps a wall up and refuses to let me in. Who wants that? That's not love and that's not the kind of relationship I want. He CAN'T tell me what he tells me in person, then disappear and expect otherwise.

 

I know I have been guilty of disappearing too. It was wrong, but h*ll, the situation was impossible...period. After a while, it makes you say to yourself, "why should I even try?" It doesn't matter how much you love someone, you can't grow ANYTHING under those circumstances.

 

He has asked me in the past to please PLEASE try to see things from his perspective and I have! I did what he asked and actually LEARNED from it, but nothing on his end has changed. At least I can say that...can he? If anything, it's HIS turn to SEE things from mine. I might have made mistakes in the beginning, but I'm waaaay past that now and will NOT tolerate being accused of the things he has accused me of anymore. That's not who I am, so he needs to knock it the h*ll off. Rant over!

 

So that's my vent for now. If you made it this far and actually understand all this gibberish, thank you for reading. I'm sure I look like a lunatic by now for putting myself in this place to begin with...lol.

 

PS - the only thing I'm going to tell him now is to quit accusing me of being an attention seeker. I'm nothing of the sort! That's insulting and he OWES me a huge apology for even saying that.

Edited January 6, 2012 by chelsea2011

[chelsea2011]

A couple more things I need to get off my chest.

 

I understand, from other sources that he got upset because I accepted a date. Yes, I did go on a date. I'm not seeing the guy and now he's just a friend. I'm glad I went because it was an ice breaker for me of sorts. I've worked hard the past few years, in therapy, to figure out where I was going wrong in relationships and this date was a test for me. I used to make every mistake in the book and he knows it. I have to give him (the guy I'm venting about) credit because he is the one who was kind enough to point it out. By going, I was able to see that I did learn from my mistakes. I handled it very well and passed with flying colors. I'm not at risk anymore of repeating the behaviors of the past.

 

I KNOW deep down he is not really the controlling guy he has come off looking like with me. But, geeeez, he needs to have some mercy here! He knows that too. You can't put someone in a situation that is impossible and expect them to accept it. No sane person would put up with it to be honest. In the past I would bend myself to fit, but not anymore. I'm done doing that and won't torture myself like that anymore.

 

All I know is that I don't want my life under that kind of microscope anymore. He knows everything about me and has never shown me anything about him in person ...other than surface stuff anyway. The reality is, I've had to guess most of the time and that's not fun anymore.

 

Thanks for reading again.