Way to accept the truth easier.

[davesterr]

If you were in a relationship where you still love your ex.

And your ex wasn't abusive or anything but simply broke up with you ,

then like many of us you have a real urge to try and get back together.

Because why wouldn't you?

Things were great and you were having the best time of your life.

Finally feeling accepted , happy and complete.

 

Unfortunately something happened that made you no longer be together.

Most likely your ex broke up with you for whatever reason that might've been.

Even when you didn't do anything wrong this can still happen.

When it does , your whole life seems to fall apart and you are heartbroken.

The pain and agony can not even be described yet we all know how it feels.

Despite everyone being a complete stranger , this hurt is something we all have in common.

It can go away after a long time of healing and hard work but usually it leaves us dumpees confused , depressed and sad feeling like no way out.

That's why i would like to say something that might make things easier to cope.

 

See i don't believe any of us are putting our ex on a pedestal.

We simply loved our ex and being with them.

At the time things were the most amazing and they made us happy.

So it is only normal for us to hold on to the past with all that we got.

Since for most of us it was the best chapter of our lives.

And when we're not thinking of the past we are thinking of how to get back together in the future.

 

Because of this lost feeling that we cling on so badly , we tend to ignore the now.

The present day as it is because the truth is: We don't want to live it since we are now on our own.

Our lives have turned bitter , cold and more lonely than anyone can imagen.

It feels like no one cares about you and if that isn't enough , you dont even care about yourself.

This break up has made you take the blame all on yourself whether you deserved it or not.

It made you feel worthless and not good enough despite all your efforts.

 

Now there is no easy way to fix this.

The best thing you can do is to follow the general advice on this forum untill you have an awakening one day.

No one knows when or if that day will ever happen so i would like to add something that might help you move on.

 

As i stated before , i don't believe any of us put our ex's on a pedestal.

We simply loved them for who they were and the feelings we shared.

However we must not forget that things are no longer the same.

Time has passed and people including your ex have changed.

This is one of the hardest concepts to understand because we do not want to.

Our heart refuses to catch up with our mind and our common sense.

But if you really look close with all emotions aside , you will find out.

 

You're ex left you for whatever reason it may be.

And now rather spends their life with someone else as much as that hurt.

There is a reason for all the lies or hidden truth that they gave us.

It is as jordjones on this forum once said:

 

''you just have to say **** her, at least in your own mind. Because, in all likelihood, if she told you every last detail and dirty secret, you would say **** her to her face''

 

Now ofcourse this doesn't have to be taken literally because we most likely always love our ex and will always try to put them on the right path.

However it does mean that your ex has changed.

If we knew the things they would do.

If we could see how they are living without us.

Then theres a huge chance that we can hardly even recognize the person we once fell in love with.

When you find out that your ex has completely changed and that all the things they once told you were a lie or atleast not ment as much as you thought.

It suddenly becomes alot easier to get over them.

Because you have to realise that the person you once loved is no longer the person you would love today.

And although we would always try to change them back to who they were.

We also have to acknowledge that people don't change and if they do it's definitely not because we want them to.

 

When the truth really hits you instead of just knowing it in the back of your head.

It will help you let go of the past alot easier.

You will never have to forget the past and you will always cherish every memory you had together.

But now you will no longer be living in it.

 

In a way it is like einstein once said:

“A photograph never grows old. You and I change, people change all through the months and years, but a photograph always remains the same. How nice to look at a photograph of mother or father or an ex taken many years ago. You see them as you remember them. But as people live on, they change completely. That is why I think a photograph can be kind.

 

And as sad as it is , people do change completely even when we don't want them to.

If you still struggle and hold on to the past when you know you shouldn't.

Then try to look at who your ex is in the now.

When you find out your ex today is no longer the person you would love , you will not have anything to hold on to.

And as scary as that might be , it really is a good thing in the long run.

Because at this moment we are all on our own but if you accept te truth as much as it hurts , then that's when we are finally able to move forward again.

And maybe if we work really hard on improving our lives , we might fall in love again along the way.

Edited December 12, 2011 by davesterr

[IfiKnewThen]

davesterr... hi its been awhile since i have been on here. great post. as always , great advise. i am just commenting to make sure i keep the link to such invaluable information. thanks again : )

[rob_h]

If you were in a relationship where you still love your ex.

And your ex wasn't abusive or anything but simply broke up with you ,

then like many of us you have a real urge to try and get back together.

Because why wouldn't you?

Things were great and you were having the best time of your life.

Finally feeling accepted , happy and complete.

 

Unfortunately something happened that made you no longer be together.

Most likely your ex broke up with you for whatever reason that might've been.

Even when you didn't do anything wrong this can still happen.

When it does , your whole life seems to fall apart and you are heartbroken.

The pain and agony can not even be described yet we all know how it feels.

Despite everyone being a complete stranger , this hurt is something we all have in common.

It can go away after a long time of healing and hard work but usually it leaves us dumpees confused , depressed and sad feeling like no way out.

That's why i would like to say something that might make things easier to cope.

 

See i don't believe any of us are putting our ex on a pedestal.

We simply loved our ex and being with them.

At the time things were the most amazing and they made us happy.

So it is only normal for us to hold on to the past with all that we got.

Since for most of us it was the best chapter of our lives.

And when we're not thinking of the past we are thinking of how to get back together in the future.

 

Because of this lost feeling that we cling on so badly , we tend to ignore the now.

The present day as it is because the truth is: We don't want to live it since we are now on our own.

Our lives have turned bitter , cold and more lonely than anyone can imagen.

It feels like no one cares about you and if that isn't enough , you dont even care about yourself.

This break up has made you take the blame all on yourself whether you deserved it or not.

It made you feel worthless and not good enough despite all your efforts.

 

Now there is no easy way to fix this.

The best thing you can do is to follow the general advice on this forum untill you have an awakening one day.

No one knows when or if that day will ever happen so i would like to add something that might help you move on.

 

As i stated before , i don't believe any of us put our ex's on a pedestal.

We simply loved them for who they were and the feelings we shared.

However we must not forget that things are no longer the same.

Time has passed and people including your ex have changed.

This is one of the hardest concepts to understand because we do not want to.

Our heart refuses to catch up with our mind and our common sense.

But if you really look close with all emotions aside , you will find out.

 

You're ex left you for whatever reason it may be.

And now rather spends their life with someone else as much as that hurt.

There is a reason for all the lies or hidden truth that they gave us.

It is as jordjones on this forum once said:

 

''you just have to say **** her, at least in your own mind. Because, in all likelihood, if she told you every last detail and dirty secret, you would say **** her to her face''

 

Now ofcourse this doesn't have to be taken literally because we most likely always love our ex and will always try to put them on the right path.

However it does mean that your ex has changed.

If we knew the things they would do.

If we could see how they are living without us.

Then theres a huge chance that we can hardly even recognize the person we once fell in love with.

When you find out that your ex has completely changed and that all the things they once told you were a lie or atleast not ment as much as you thought.

It suddenly becomes alot easier to get over them.

Because you have to realise that the person you once loved is no longer the person you would love today.

And although we would always try to change them back to who they were.

We also have to acknowledge that people don't change and if they do it's definitely not because we want them to.

 

When the truth really hits you instead of just knowing it in the back of your head.

It will help you let go of the past alot easier.

You will never have to forget the past and you will always cherish every memory you had together.

But now you will no longer be living in it.

 

In a way it is like einstein once said:

“A photograph never grows old. You and I change, people change all through the months and years, but a photograph always remains the same. How nice to look at a photograph of mother or father or an ex taken many years ago. You see them as you remember them. But as people live on, they change completely. That is why I think a photograph can be kind.

 

And as sad as it is , people do change completely even when we don't want them to.

If you still struggle and hold on to the past when you know you shouldn't.

Then try to look at who your ex is in the now.

When you find out your ex today is no longer the person you would love , you will not have anything to hold on to.

And as scary as that might be , it really is a good thing in the long run.

Because at this moment we are all on our own but if you accept te truth as much as it hurts , then that's when we are finally able to move forward again.

And maybe if we work really hard on improving our lives , we might fall in love again along the way.

 

That will get me through tonight, I'll read it again tomorrow for a chance to get through then as well

[KS11]

Reading this really helps...i read somewhere else on here something similar...

 

'what is gone was no more what i loved in the first place'

 

I think there's a tendency, well, with me especially to imagine every scenario with the person you love to be perfect. As in, all the time and things you thought you were going to spend with them in the future would be spent in each others arms, laughing, opening up to one another..etc. And having that 'dream' taken away is so painful. It makes you feel so hollow knowing that that person never imagined that, or wanted that. Everyone here knows how hard it is to do, when you still love that person, but i find i have to just convince myself that these 'moments' wouldnt have been that great and that any memories we may have had when it was, are now gone, because that person has changed.

 

I dont really know if this type of thing works, its so hard to do when you feel so strongly about someone...its heartbreaking to remember the person you first met and the way they were with you. To now, like none of it ever mattered to them. I dont know what the worst part is, acknowledging they've changed, or knowing that inspite of that change, you'd still do anything to be with them.

[Bito]

What you say is true for the most part. We do change and so do they. but for those who were in a poisoned relationship this provides little comfort. The only thing they can do is hope that with time the pain will subsied.

 

Me I have chosen to learn to live with the pain. Everyday for the last 7 months. It is better then feeling nothing at all I find...

[davesterr]

Well if you have been in a poisonous relationship then it should be easier for you to move on because you already know that your ex isn't right for you now because he/she wasn't right to begin with.

 

In the end whether you decide to stay connected to your ex in this painful way or decide that the past in the past and aventually not feel as strongly anymore is up to you.

 

You can give up your entire life staying broken and crying over your ex because you want to keep whatever feeling you have left with that person even if it hurts so much.

But just know that if you do and don't make your life better , then you will waste your whole life for someone who no longer cares about you the same way you care about him/her.

And to me , that is really a sad thing to do.

I feel that you can always love your ex and keep them in a special place in your heart.

But it's just not worth it loving them with all your heart if they no longer want it.

You're on your own now and i think you should start focussing on yourself.

Then again it's your life and you are free to decide how to live it.

[Bito]

Moveing on from that is not easyer. From a conventional logic standpoint yes but in reality its like trying to go to rehab as a coke addict. Its terrible for you but you can hardly bare to live without them.

 

As for me being broken I am far from it. I have used that pain to better myself and I will acheve my dream, its all I care about.

 

I realize that what happend was the best thing that could have happend to me.but It does not make it easy when I am so alone haveing to write the most difficult section of my life. But I will never give up...

[davesterr]

It's not easy man , i still struggle with it every day myself aswel.

But it's funny you mentioned that what you feel is like a coke addiction.

Infact i wrote a story once on here about how feeling attached to your ex is like a drug addiction.

If you want to give it a try then you can find it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t303621/

 

However if you don't feel like reading more of the crap i have written , to put it shortly:

It's basicly about how lc or staying friends with your ex is like using drugs but in a less higher dosis than actual love.

And how it's impossible to go completely clean without your ex if you keep using the drug in the form of lc or staying connected emotionally.

The only way to get completely clean is by not using any drugs whatsoever and go through the withdrawal symptoms untill you no longer desire it.

This is one of the hardest things to ever do and no one said it would be easy.

No matter what you do or what you read , it's a hell of a battle.

But i simply tried to share my thoughts on here incase it would help someone win this battle in the long run.

But goodjob on not giving up and keeping ur spirits high.

Edited December 12, 2011 by davesterr

[SelfCentered]

Very true words. Definitely picked me up when I read it through.

[fistandantulus]

People change, don't they? Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad... I always try to change in a good way, retaining the good values I've had, getting rid of the ugly ones. Always trying to be better... But for some of us, change is not in our hands. It comes as we can't control it, and makes us a different, but not necessarily a good person. If a person you were with was one of those latter ones, who can't control the change, then I believe they were immature in the first place. I always wanted to be with a lady, who can resist the destructive tides of life, who has some resilience, who won't break easily and change so quickly depending on the circumstances. My ex changed, a lot, and very quick. May be that wasn't a change as she might have hid her real thoughts just to be with me, to look "prettier" to me. May be it was a change, meaning that she hasn't completed her growing up because she never knew what to do with her life. In any case, it means that she is far from the lady I want to be with.

[LostJustLost]

I'm having a tough time getting LS to cooperate with my computer tonight but I also need to post so I can find this thread to read again. ~L

[TheJiltedGeneration]

back again after I think just over a week, but yea needed something to solidify my thoughts as the amorous wistfulness reared its ulgy head once again...

 

thanks Davestarr, since ya gave me advice a few days ago been trying to be proactive via exercise and work, I still have moments where I get that nihilistic deflation of "what's the point", but I can't just drop the gauntlet just yet. things take time, so whatever I do right now in the long run it will get better. Too much time has passed now so I am gonna keep the momentum going and just live on my own ..