Were you ever separated? (Looking for success stories after separation)

[Wolvesbaned]

We at the Separation/Divorce boards are in dire need in finding some kind of success stories after separation. (Inspired by Fishhunter_00 who noticed the lack of success stories amongst the Separation/Divorce pages.) Maybe they stop posting there and come here --it's a stretch but worth asking

 

So I ask you married couples:

Were you ever separated? How did it work out?

 

Specifically the question is:

"Do they ever come back home? If so, do they stay?"

 

- Who decided to get back together after separation?

- How long were you separated? Who's decision was it to separate?

- Did your spouse realize on his/her own?

- What did you do to help with getting back together?

- How long have you been together since the separation?

- Please share your story.

 

To those never separated, do you know of anyone that has gotten back together after separation?

How common is it to just be "good friends"?

 

Any responses will be greatly appreciated.

[BlueLP]

I don't know tons about it, but I know one married couple who had teenage kids, had been married for a while, but were having real problems because their marriage had lost feeling. They definitely had fallen out of love.

 

They did the whole trial separation thing, moved to different houses, tried out life being single again. They knew that they were going to try a final time together after a couple months of this single life, but it seemed like the time apart really gave them the perspective they needed. When they moved back in together, feelings were rekindled and they've been happy since then.

 

I'm not sure if you're looking for success stories out of situations in which the separation wasn't planned and mutual like this one was, but thought I'd offer.

[Wolvesbaned]

Thanks BlueLP, its exactly what we're looking for There's just so many stories of separation leading into divorce, the rare instances when people become friends or get back together seems to be so few that they seem like an urban legend of sorts. I guess we're just trying to take a poll of who's actually known someone that's became friends or has rekindled their relationship -- and of coarse the details from those that has firsthand experience.

[hope&pray]

On another site, I read 1 in 5 reconcile. But I didn't see any stats on how long those stayed together and were happy for the rest of their lives. Of course in a lot of relationships that don't reconcile it could be that the person left behind is doing all the wrong things; begging, pleading, crying etc... and if that worked there would be almost no divorce and no sites for us sad, scared soles to go to.

[helpless here]

hope&pray

Me and my husband have been seperated twice now - though it's to each individuals reasoning due to the seperation if they get back together or not!

 

The first time we seperated it was because I went into a deep depression and almost went off to the deep end - I believe he felt guilty for it and felt I did it because I no longer loved him - we were only seperated for 3 mths then he was transferred to another town with his job and wanted me and our children to move with him to get away from all of our family and try to start again without family influences! It was great for about 4 mths then he just became a workaholic and thought that was all he needed to do to show that he cared for us.

 

Do about after 8mths of being together and him never really being there and when he was there he wasn't - I began to have an affair so we seperated AGAIN! But this time we went through the whole divorce proceding which took almost a year and before we had to complete the finalization he asked me to try it one more time! So, we did. We have been together now a year and a half - and yes things do sort go back to there old routine! Though I love him with all my heart - I don't feel as if I ever gave myself back to him completely! I guess I'm ready for something to go wrong once again! And as for me well - as I said things sort of go back to the way they were before the seperation - I don't feel that he is meeting my needs nor am I to him.

 

I have heard of this working - with a happy ending.

My parents seperated for a while 12 yrs ago and their still happily married and so has my father N law and his wife actually divorced and remarried and now the remain happy and content - so it's to each couples - and if their willing to make it work! And I think that is the main key - ARE BOTH PEOPLE WILLING TO MAKE THEIR RELATIONSHIP WORK!

 

Good Luck to You!!!

[Moose]

Ok, Ok, I admit it, my wife and seperated about our third year into marriage. We had two boys at the time, one was 2 years old and the other 13 months old. I was still imature and in my partying stages. She wanted me to slow down and take things more seriously. I was using our house payment money to go out drinking with the guys, going to parties, buying leather jackets and stereo equiptment for my camaro....things like that.

 

I hated the fact that she wanted to change me. I was always a little on the wild side where she was raised in a very religous home. Church 3 times a week, prayer at meals, the whole nine yards. I was cocky and wasn't about to let her run my life. So I told her to get out. She moved into her parents house and I stayed in our home. After coming home to a lonely house, fixing my own meals, and no money to party with, ( I gave her most of it to help with the boys ), I needed to do something.

 

I decided to let one of the guys I work with move in and help out financial wise. He was crazier than I was!!! He wasn't ever going to slow down and he was always getting into fights and trouble with the law. My wife would bring the boys over, my roomate would be smoking dope in his room, beer cans all over the place...and of course the floor was the only thing you couldn't see in that place.

 

She kept asking, "Are you ready for me to come home and take care of you yet?". I thought she was crazy....why would she want to come home to the mess I made of it? I missed her terribly, missed her and the boys always being there when I got home. She always had my meals for me, my clothes clean, she was a great wife, it's just that I didn't want her to try to change me.

 

After a few months, and after getting tired of the mess and the cops being around to take my roomate to jail, I figured ok, my wife had a point all along. The distance and not seeing each other every day made me love her even more. I don't know how to explain it, but it was painfull to see her only on occasions, and that goes for the boys too.

 

She told her Dad that I wanted a divorce and her Dad simply said, "I don't believe in divorce ", and according to my wife, she would've done it if it weren't for her Dad saying that. I'm so gratefull that he did. Anyway, she showed up one Sunday after Church in this black dress, one of my favorites, and my roomate was in jail so it was just us and the boys in the house. I aske if she still wanted to come home. She of course said yes and started to cry. I explained to her that I'm always going to be my own person and please don't try to change me.

 

She understood, and I promised her that things would be better, I learned that I had to take more responsibility in raising our family. But I also explained to her that when it comes to maturity, I need more time to grow into it and please don't rush me. She agreed and even admitted that we where going about things the wrong way on both ends.

 

It's been 13 years since then, and we couldn't imagine life without eachother now!! And of course, now we have 5 Kids, and I have grown into maturity and all is well. We still have arguements now and then, but that's to be expected, but, we work through them now instead of being bull headed and one-sided. We realized a lot during that seperation.

 

It's kinda weird to be saying this, but I truly believe that the seperation we went through was one of the best things that ever happened. It made us both realize what we have in each other, and how terribly lonely we would be without each other. I can honestly tell you that it will never happen again!!! We will never part unless death takes one of us.

 

Hope this helps!!

 

Moose

[Wolvesbaned]

Wow Moose, thank you so much for sharing.

 

It's good to know that some people work it through. I've heard it said before, that if 2 people somehow gets past separation and continue being married, it usually makes them stronger. Glad it worked out for you and your wife. I've read some of your posts before and can't imagine that you were young and "craaaazy once".

 

From what I've seen, this immature stage seems to be the norm for most guys. Is there ever an exception?

[Moose]

Wolvesband,

I don't know, I believe that it's something we all, ( Men and Women ), need to go through to discover our maturity.....you know? Thanks for you comments, yes, young and crazy...and I still am in sorts.....

 

Take Care

 

Moose

[kirkyswife]

I wanted to respond to this message because I am currently in the process of reconciling after a very, very long separation from my husband of 11 years (well 11 years July 4th). At present, we are communicating on a daily basis (after a 3 year lack of communication) - writing, emailing and calling and plans have been firmed up for the cross country relocation. My husband and I have been separated for 10 years, (dated for 1-1/2 yrs before getting married). We got married at 20 which in this day and time (and even in 1993) is just too young (and both of us came from abusive homes). My husband (who is from the South) and I moved to his home town after we married (which was the first time I had ever lived that far away from home) and after 8 tumultuous months (and me flying to the west coast all 8 of those months) we separated and haven't lived under the same roof since 1994. In that 10 year separation my husband and I never went more than a two years at a time without speaking to one another and never more than 4 years without some half hearted attempt at reconciliation. Unfortunately neither one of us had matured, or dealt with our own personal demons and as a result the attempts were short lived at best and in the heat of anger and disgust - I would fill out divorce papers and mail them to my husband only to have them returned shredded or come to find out they were never filed. And it's NOT that I didn't have the same ability to submit a Petition for Divorce without his approval - if I really wanted to divorce my husband I could have hired an attorney in my state or his and filed for divorce - money was never an issue - it's just that I just couldn't bring myself to terminate my marriage. As strange as this may sound no matter who I was with in the 10 years we were separated we always knew we belonged to each other. It doesn't make sense to logical people and I respect that - it's just now making sense to me.

 

During the past 10 years my husband and I have grown up tremendously. We have experienced different things and ultimately we ended up looking inside ourselves to attain answers to questions which plagued our ability to find true happiness. Amazingly we ended up in the same place we started (after ourselves) which was in one another. Many changes have occurred in the past 10 years - my husband is a father of a child and I have spent the last 10 years trying to find the kind of love I thought that I needed, only to end up emotionally abused. So after yet another failed relationship I had to take stock in my life and realized that the reason I was unable to find a successful relationship was because I was presently married and I needed to close that chapter of my life. So for the first time in 10 years I filled out divorce papers while I was not angry and found that I made myself absolutely ill. I was crying and throwing up and couldn't explain where all this was coming from. I laid on the bathroom floor after throwing up for a good 5 minutes and realized that I needed to talk to my husband. So I picked up the phone and I called him and I asked him if we had done everything possible to save our marriage? He said no. I asked him if he still loved me. He stated yes. I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said no. And then he proceeded to tell me that he has missed me since I left him September 8, 1994 and that he loved me from the moment that he met me and will love me until the day that he dies. He said that he never filed for divorce because it wasn't the right thing to do and that he had no intention of marrying anyone else because they could never be me. and that blew me away. I had to get off the phone and let those words soak in and really understand how I felt about him and what attracted me to him - I called him back and ran it down to him.

 

I asked him plain and simple - "will you let me be your wife?" he said yes, if you'll let me be your husband" and that's been the beginning of this journey we are embarking upon. I don't know what tools we are going to need but I am dedicated to making my marriage work. I didn't marry my husband to divorce him and will work to do what I can to be the best wife that I can be. We have MAJOR obstacles to overcome but I truly believe that LOVE conquers all and "Ain't no mountain high, Ain't no valley low, Ain't no river wide enough to keep me from that" I'm interested in your insight and will keep you posted if you are interested!

-

[NatoPMT]

Hi Wolvesbaned

 

My sister found out that during a bad patch, her husband slept with her best friend, she upped and moved to Australia for 2 years - leaving him behind to get away and start over - categorically splitting up. He went over there to see her, they just couldnt work it out. she returned, went to collect some things off him, theyd both accepted it was over, but that night they had a glass of wine and ended up in bed - they have now been together for a further 9 years, and i can honestly say, if when i get married, my marriage is as happy as theirs has been for the last 9 years, i will be very lucky. They are a dream together - they are going through IVF currently and have recently lost a child, and the support and love they show each other is exceptional. I am very touched when i see how they look after each other

 

BB

[beck7ham]

I have been seperated for 4 weeks now. My marriage was only for 1 year though. I don't know what we're going to do either. She always talk about divorce (she's been talking about it for 3 weeks now) but she never does it. I'm not sure if she really wants the divorce, if she wants to still think about it? or doesn't want to make the decision b/c it's so hard. She too is young (23) and I'm 28. we dated for 3 years b4 getting married... married too young? possibly. I've tried everything to get back w/ her, but i found out that if i ignore her calls and such she get's angry w/ me b/c i'm not communicating w/ her. It's just that everytime we communicate we argue so NO! I dont' want to talk to her just to argue. I know that this is the woman for me. God doesn't just throw people in your path for the fun of it. Everything happens for a reason and you will always grow from your pain.

 

so is it possible to get back after seperation? don't know... I hope so! I'm still fighting for my marriage but it takes 2 to make it work. I dont' think she wants to, but I guess I'm just stubborn like that... I love my wife and I have faith in God that she's putting me through this to make me stronger and to show the both of us how special we are in each others lives. She's my everything and I don't think I could ever be complete w/o her in my life.

[learnfrommymistake]

There have to be more successes out there. Bumping this thread to look for them!

[Wolvesbaned]

kirkyswife, thanks for sharing your story. 11 years ... WOW. I hope that reuniting this time around will be that much sweeter for the both of you.

 

I wish you the best ... keep us posted

 

One question for you: How did you guys file your taxes (or buy property) for all those years? Kind of out of topic but I was just wondering...