Girlfriend has a lot of guy friends and her partying is making me jealous.

[jealousy101]

Hello people, i've been mulling over my current situation alot recently and I wanted to see if anybody on here who has had a similar experience could offer me any advice.

 

I will try and keep the story short...

 

About 2-3 months ago I started dating my current girlfriend. I am a few years older than her, and she is attending a local college where I live. We both liked each other a lot and things progressed very quickly. To the point that after 1 month, we were spending every single day and night together. There never seemed to be enough minutes in the day. We quickly decided to be exclusive with each other, and both agreed that we were in love.

 

Something that started to bother me was that she still lived in the dorms and she would go out partying and drinking with her friends. I was feeling jealousy because she is a self admitted flirt, and I was also feeling worried, because she was definately putting herself in high risk environments. I just didn't understand why she would want to be doing things like that, especially since she was in a serious relationship..

 

I told her how I felt about both of my concerns, she told me she was sorry about the flirting, that she had been single for so long that it had just become a normal thing for her and that she did it to make herself feel good and as some form of validation. She told me it would stop, and it did (as far as I can tell).

 

Now that the summer has come around she has returned home, which is almost a 10 hour drive away. Unfortunately turning this into a long distance relationship. Right at the beginning of the summer, she called me from some party and started telling me how drunk she was. The next day she told me that she was so drunk that she puked and passed out. She has also called me and told me that she was hanging out in hot tubs and sometimes spending the night at other peoples houses after parties (supposedly because she was too drunk to drive).

 

To top all of this off, i've had to deal with the fact that probably 80% of her friends at home are guys. She swears that it is totally innocent, and that she has known all of these guys for years and never been involved with any of them.

 

I want to be able to trust her 100%, but when she tells me things like this, I can't help but feel insecure and jealous. I've never really been the type to worry like this but for some reason I can't shake the feeling.

 

I basically told her that I didn't feel comfortable with her getting that drunk and acting irresponsible. I didn't tell her to change, but I told her that I didn't like the way it made me feel, and that I couldn't continue to be in the relationship if it was going to continue in that way. She responded pretty well, and said that there was no contest, that she would stop doing whatever it was that was bothering me, because she didn't want to lose me.

 

So, she still goes to parties and hangs out with her guy friends and whatnot, but she has told me that she dosen't drink excessively anymore, which was my most major concern. She will usually call me from the party and say something like "hey honey, i've only had one beer tonight" or something to that effect.. Basically, it still makes me uncomfortable.

 

Do you think I am being irrational in my thoughts? Would you feel comfortable with your girlfriend in a hot tub with a bunch of guys, 10 hours away? Or partying almost every night?

 

I don't want to throw away a good thing, for something stupid like that. On the same token, I don't want to be taken for granted or taken advantage of.

 

Do I stick it out and hope she will mature?

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I have no advise but I know I could never be in a relationship with a girl that exhibits such behavior. How do you think she would feel if the roles were reversed? She is an admitted flirt, likes to get drunk and puke, hangs with guys in a hot tub and sleeps over at parties. I think she is too young to be in a relationship that you want. I think you are setting yourself up for the big hurt. Nevertheless I wish you luck.

[carlos81]

Well I agree... I mean college seems to be a weird point in life.... I'm just graduating now and have seen lots of things like that. I've partied with girls that had boyfriends that were far away and there really hasn't been a standard on how they all are. Some girls that I know no matter how drunk they get they will never do anything. The problem I see is this... girls in groups to me are the best "cockblockers" and sorry for that adjective but I believe it to be true. Girls look out for each other they don't let them run off with one guy or another...usually.

 

The problem is that it sounds like there are lots of guys and just one or two girls which to me signals that whatever other girls she's with may like the "party" scene... especially if the girls that are around so happen to be single and flirtatious as well.

 

The great news, however, is that she's calling you and showing that she genuinely cares about your concerns. How were things when both of you guys went out together? Has she always been this way? If she's always been like this I wouldn't try to change that.... changing people is a very hard thing to do and can sometimes lead to resentment.

 

Either way I think you're going to have to decide what you need to happen for you to feel comfortable and communicate that to her. If her phoning you from parties isn't enough then you need to see what will be and see if she will agree to it.

 

Good luck.

[heartattacked]

I don't know man... I've been around or been with girls like this and anytime they have been into the "party scene" I always tried to trust them but it always backfired on me. If it was happening to me, I would be very concerned about the partying with guys thing. And then when you throw in the hot tub scenes, I would be extremely ticked off. But I'm 30 years old now, perhaps things are viewed a little differently with the latest generation.

 

She certainly wouldn't like you doing such a thing with girls, that is if she cares about you at all. She wins props for seemingly making a consistent effort to ease your mind and communicate her love to you. Perhaps she is genuine, if so I applaud her, because I believe that in time she will see the errors of her ways. If she is not genuine, I'm afraid it shall soon become apparent to you.

 

No one, no matter how good, can conceal things forever. People always talk, and word gets around quickly. Even if the stories are false or exaggerated, your girlfriend should realize that her lifestyle only begets problems.

 

I'm not telling you to give up on her, but I think you should not rule out the worst.

[simplybrill]

Coming from a girl who's been on the other side of the fence, with a boyfriend who was just like your girlfriend, I would say its not worth it.

 

You obviously care a lot about this girl, but she's got some growing up to do, hun. There is a possiblilty that she may "grow out" of her irresposible, and not to mention dangerous behavior, but you have to ask yourself if you're willing to invest your heart in a girl that may in fact be lying to you when she says she's "just had one drink" when she calls you. She could just be lying to you, because how many people go from drinking uncontrollably, so much to the point where they throw up- to only having one drink.

 

Not only is she putting your feelings in a dangerous position, but she doesnt seem to care much about herself, because rape does happen, and this would kind of freak me out if I were you : she drinks so much that she passes out, and all of her friends are guys...how many of them are really looking out for her when they're drunk themselves?

 

You just need to weigh things, and decide whether you want to stick around for this one to try to grow up and out of this lifestyle (which doesnt seem to be happening any time soon) or if you need to move on and find a woman who is more responsible with herself and your heart. Good luck!