I would like to hear your comments....

[smokey bear]

Id like to hear anyone's comments on this....

 

 

 

I read someone's post the other day describing acceptence and i feel at that stage, but strangely it hurts, ive not hurt in a while, i actually had a panic tonight that it was over for good, that we will never be together again, i accept that, but it hurt and made me panic.

 

 

Is this normal, or am i not at acceptance, i think i understand that it is acceptance, im panicing because i accept its over, im hurting because i accept its over, but is this what is really happening with me.

 

Does this happen with acceptance?

 

Im 5 and 1/2 months post break up

[sunflower11]

Hey smokey,

 

I made a post about the stages of the grieving process..I'm not sure if it was mine you read. I think it's helpful to read about them as reference, but not to get too worked up about putting a name to what you are feeling. Know what I mean? Isn't it more important that you are feeling better everyday than getting confused as to what stage you are in and if what you are feeling belongs or not to that stage?

 

I do understand what you are saying however, as I am going through something similar. It's normal to be scared and panic about realizing you are letting go. I have been crying a bunch cause I feel that I am at the point where I am moving on. But I wanted to share this with you:

"Even though you do_ want to move on, when you actually get signs that you _are moving on and working your way through the grief, it sends another signal that you're letting go and then you panic about what letting go means.

 

Letting go means that it really is over or you're working your way towards finality.

 

Often you are scared of finality, of not engaging and starting over afresh with someone else in the future. The latter in itself can be daunting.

 

Letting go also means that you're really putting the focus on you and sometimes that is scary - it can feel oddly comforting to have someone to blame for why things are not how you'd like them to be.

 

Letting go also means letting go of the hurt and anger and this can surprise us in how we are reluctant to do this. It's not because we want to be hurt and angry but being hurt and angry does give us a 'purpose' and we can often feel quite righteous. However the purpose of no contact isn't to stay hurt and angry, it's to move beyond it and discover a purpose and a life that doesn't include the other party.

 

First of all, it is entirely natural to sometimes feel surprised by the fact that you're actually doing what you set out to do, which is move on.

 

You are OK. You will be OK. In fact, it can, does, and will get better than this. Don't feel guilty about the fact that you don't hurt as much anymore or you don't feel so emotionally tied to them - this is what you are working towards.

 

Don't be afraid of moving on and of not focusing on them anymore.

 

When you feel guilty or panic about not thinking about them as much as you did before, you compensate for it by thinking about the fact that you're not thinking as much about them and going into obsessing mode.

 

This is called looking for reasons to hold onto the pain.

 

Always ask whether you want to create more pain for yourself or let the heat burn you from the pain source?

 

There'll be good days and bad days, but when you do have the good days, embrace them, enjoy them, and make sure that whatever it is that made them good days, repeat them so you can have more of them.

 

Remember to accept how you feel rather than denying it. Don't deny that you're feeling good because you may force yourself to feel bad. Don't fight yourself and keep working your way through the days and the grieving the loss of the relationship process."

[Popehappycat]

I don't know. Can you accept spiders then freak out when you see one? Maybe apples to oranges.

[smokey bear]

I don't know. Can you accept spiders then freak out when you see one? Maybe apples to oranges.

 

 

Both good replies but they conflict each other.........

[smokey bear]

I don't know. Can you accept spiders then freak out when you see one? Maybe apples to oranges.

 

 

 

Both good replies but they conflict each other.........

[Trovador]

Nope, you aren't there yet...

 

When you are really over your ex, nothing hurts, not even the time and money wasted ha ha...

 

If anything, you are glad that it finished...

 

Certainly, you shouldn't be worrying about what stage you are into, or put this way, when you are healing you don't give great thought to healing, you just do it...

 

For what is worth, fill your life with positive hobbies, the more you think about other stuff, the less you muse about you know who... if you will, feign you don't care about her until that will be your second nature...

[wilsonx]

if you are using my use of the word acceptance, it has nothing to do with the grieving stage of acceptance.

[johan]

I'm sure it doesn't help on top of all you're facing right now that people are forcing you to read their comments, when you stated clearly that you wanted to hear them. Getting people to follow instructions around here is harder than herding cats.

 

But I'm going to have to follow suit, because I don't have a microphone. I think what you're feeling is normal. I've felt it numerous times. You just have to deal with this stuff, and it comes in somewhat predictable stages, as long as the break is relatively clean.

[smudge21]

I have such a fear of acceptance and it stems from knowing in the past that I have got over an ex and then they've meant nothing to me. The thought of this latest person meaning nothing is scary as I invested a lot of myself into the whole thing. So therefore I am my worse enemy as I'm wanting to heal but at the same time preventing myself from doing so because I fear healing.

 

It will eventually happen whether I like it or not, but until that day comes, I have to just deal with the good and bad.

[kourix]

i've been having mini panic attacks because i met the ex this past weekend and felt almost nothing throughout the date, and even after i came home. i kept wondering why i wasn't feeling "the love" so to speak to towards him. may not apply to everyone, but i think sunflower's post describes me pretty well. i was, and still am, afraid to let go, afraid to not feel anything, to move on, because it seems so soon, and what if i'm never able to feel a certain way for someone else ever again? if i can't feel this way about him, when he was what i used to call "my real life prince charming", how can i feel that way about anyone else in future?

how is it that i am getting over it so quickly when it seems just awhile ago i wanted it so badly?

still panicking, and still wondering... i guess it's true what they say, "i'd rather feel sad than feel nothing at all".

[Kamila]

Acceptance is difficult, change is difficult.

 

For me the change happened gradually.

 

I accepted he was no longer part of my life even though he texted for over a year.

 

I tried to block the urge to send him texts back.

 

After a while he got the 'message' and he never contacted me again.

 

Seeing him with another girl gave me a massive panic attack.

 

But luckily I managed to keep it cool and crush my feelings in the process.

 

I'm happy for him, happy for me.

 

But sometimes, when all is quiet and dark, there's this pinch in my heart...

[fucpcg]

I am relly shocked how on this forum it seems like nobody has anything nice to say about their ex, and how everything was just a waste of energy, money, etc and how life is soo much better without them. Who the hell have all you people been dating?? I've had 5 relationships in my life from 1 year up to a 6 year longest, and I have nothing bad to say about the exes. Maybe it didn't work out, but there is a reason I spent a year plus of my life with a person. Moving on from someone you really cared about is hard. You do get to a point where you can move on with your life, your dating, but my god man if you ever just throw out the memories of someone you shared your life with just because it didn't go the distance... wtf I don't get that. I'm 10 months post being dumped by my ex. She has really gone off the hook with me since the split, but so be it. I shared the best summer of my life, and a very special year of my life with this woman. She can go off the rais all she wants, it will never trash the special memories I have of that time. Yes I am trying to move on, yes I suspect she'll never talk to me again, yes she handled the breakup terribly... and yes I freak out when I see her and yes I freak out when I have enough time on my hands to think about all that we had, all that I felt, that we shall never share again. Had one of those nights when I came across a letter i wrote her for our would be anniversary about two nights ago.

 

Im my life, I will always take the pain of a lost love over trashing beautiful memories just to try and move on. I guess I would call that manning up. It is better to have loved and lost, than to have not loved. I hate the pain, but i'll take. If the pain now was the price for that most cherished year of my 41 year life, then it was worth it.

[smokey bear]

I am relly shocked how on this forum it seems like nobody has anything nice to say about their ex, and how everything was just a waste of energy, money, etc and how life is soo much better without them. Who the hell have all you people been dating?? I've had 5 relationships in my life from 1 year up to a 6 year longest, and I have nothing bad to say about the exes. Maybe it didn't work out, but there is a reason I spent a year plus of my life with a person. Moving on from someone you really cared about is hard. You do get to a point where you can move on with your life, your dating, but my god man if you ever just throw out the memories of someone you shared your life with just because it didn't go the distance... wtf I don't get that. I'm 10 months post being dumped by my ex. She has really gone off the hook with me since the split, but so be it. I shared the best summer of my life, and a very special year of my life with this woman. She can go off the rais all she wants, it will never trash the special memories I have of that time. Yes I am trying to move on, yes I suspect she'll never talk to me again, yes she handled the breakup terribly... and yes I freak out when I see her and yes I freak out when I have enough time on my hands to think about all that we had, all that I felt, that we shall never share again. Had one of those nights when I came across a letter i wrote her for our would be anniversary about two nights ago.

 

Im my life, I will always take the pain of a lost love over trashing beautiful memories just to try and move on. I guess I would call that manning up. It is better to have loved and lost, than to have not loved. I hate the pain, but i'll take. If the pain now was the price for that most cherished year of my 41 year life, then it was worth it.

 

 

You my dear will make a woman very happy, possibly your ex once she comes back to the real world,

 

My ex isnt perfect but i have never trashed him, i love his bad points as much as his good.

 

 

Anyway back to the post, the moment has passed im back to my normal kick ass self, it was just a blimp...... women eh!!!