He cheated with her and now he wants to start talking to her again, "JUST" as friends

[amanda25]

[font=arial][/font][color=darkblue][/color] Gosh,I dont even know where to start...We have been dating almost 2 yrs now..We are in the process of buyig our first home together..Everything "seemed" to be alright...So,heres what happened...

In October of 2002,we started dating..I lived 50 miles away, so we would see each other 1-2 days a week..he would drive up to see me, and sometimes leave early,or call to say he had to "work" so he couldnt come up..I believed it, and fell in love with him..I decided to move to the town he was in to be closer to him..He acted happy and I thought he wanted me to..Well, since then we have lived together...I started hearing about this "other"girl from friends of mine that were also friends with her..I,at first ignored it, because he wasnt that "type"..It started out little things..He was going to go to prom with her (it was her senior yr..he is 23 and I am 25),and not tell me..My friend told me..He denied it,but had already taken that day off work..

He kept saying they were "only" friends..I kept hearing things..

Well, one night I had had enough, and confronted him..He told me how he lied to me about "working" so he could go bowling,etc. with her..He told me how they would go to her house and "watch" movies, and she would lay her head in his lap and he would rub her arms..I cried..It hurt...It took me over 2 hours to get the truth out of him..I threatened to leave him,etc..He cried...I cried...He told me he liked us both and didnt know which he wanted..So he messed with us both..

We talked...I thought It was all over, until then i found out, she was coming to MY apt and leaving notes in his car, calling his job,emailing him,etc..We got in another fight..He cried..blah blah..same ole same ole...So, he emailed her, in front of me and told her he loved me,planned on marrying me,etc..so they couldnt be friends or anything...Since then, things seemed to be going good..

 

That was until last night...He wants to be "friends" with her..Of course, i brought the subject up, hoping he would say "no, i want you, i dont want to be her friend",but he was like "i do want to talk to her,etc..we had fun together"..and i was like "well, we dont have fun??"we talked like cival adults,but it felt like he took another stabbing at my heart..I told him i wanted him to be happy..He said he wants to be with me, and be ONLY friends with her..And said he is gonna get ahold of her and tell her that...

 

I love him..Totally...110%..I have never cheated on him, never even thought about it..How could he??

 

What I am trying to say is i need some advice..I opened my mouth JUST to see what he would say and It backfired...What am i supposed to do? Let him hang out with her after he cheated on me with her??Please Please, give me some advice..I dont want to leave him...

[dyermaker]

Let him hang out with her after he cheated on me with her??

Hell no.

 

His relationship with her is inappropriate. After infidelity, it is not unreasonable for you to demand no contact between them. He's already demonstrated disregard for the "friend" boundary. It's her or you.

[amanda25]

Yeah,but it was my fault for bringing the whole thing up to begin with.. I only did that though to see what he would say...So doesnt that make me wrong??And thank you for yer advice, i really appreciate it!

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by amanda25

Yeah,but it was my fault for bringing the whole thing up to begin with.. I only did that though to see what he would say...So doesnt that make me wrong??And thank you for yer advice, i really appreciate it!

 

Say what? How can YOU bringing this subject up with him, and his resulting response be "your fault"? Whether you brought it up or didn't, the point of the matter is that: he wants to remain in a type of relationship (supposedly friendship) with a girl he cheated on you with in the past.

 

What does it matter that you brought it up? If you hadn't, he'd still feel the same way about wanting to have a friendship with her, only you wouldn't know how he felt. Get what I'm saying? At least you now know the truth.

 

Now it's up to you to stand up for yourself and determine what "boundaries" are necessary for you. Are you willing to be with someone who has such little respect for your feelings that he wants to, obviously knowing how it would hurt you, be "friends" with someone he screwed around with. He has to make a choice, and so do you. Stop blaming yourself, there's no need to blame yourself. Don't be a doormat, be a strong woman.

[amanda251978]

Ok, what if I tell him he has to choose between me and her...What if he chooses her? Either way I go, it seems like I am getting hurt...I thought all day about this, and i did come to one idea..There is NO WAY he could love me...If he did, he wouldnt have cheated to begin with...Thank you for your advice...

[amanda25]

[color=red][/color] Thank you for your advice...I now understand that its not my fault for bringing it up, but i still shouldnt have, considering it did back fire...I think either way I go, Im screwed...And Im gonna be hurt..Cuz, what if i tell him he has to choose and he chooses her? I honestly dont know what I would do...As far as goin off the "rocker"...But if thats what i gotta do, then so be it..Im gonna tell him tonight when he gets home, that its EITHER OR..Not both!

Thank you for makin me see things...

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by amanda25

Yeah,but it was my fault for bringing the whole thing up to begin with..

No. When you're in a relationship, and there's an issue--you have a *responsibility* to bring it up. If you don't, you're being dishonest--when you communicate something fault is not assigned to you.

I only did that though to see what he would say...So doesnt that make me wrong?

Why would it?

Originally posted by amanda251978

Ok, what if I tell him he has to choose between me and her...What if he chooses her?

Then you can be glad you brought it up, because his choice will enable you to sever the relationship and start a new relationship with someone who values you enough to not cheat on you--or, if he does, would do the right thing to fix it.

There is NO WAY he could love me...If he did, he wouldnt have cheated to begin with.

There we go.

 

There's the answer.

 

Nothing more needs to be said.

 

Say goodbye and pack your hopes inside a matchbox--you KNOW it's time to fly.

 

[color=red]Let this boy go.[/color]

[Becks84]

Demand all or nothing from him! You deserve it, and the least he can do after all he's done to you, is have absolutely no contact with this other girl. If he is not willing to do these reasonable things you are requesting, you really need to think long and hard about staying in this relationship, and especially marrying him!

[reachingskywards]

I agree. I don't think you should be worrying about whether he chooses her over you. YOu be really thinking about whether you still choose to be with him after he has broken so much of your trust. Is this really the kind of relationship you want for the long term???

 

I'm sure you can find much better out there and someone who will really love you completely and be loyal and trustworthy.

 

Sky

[amanda25]

Well, I told him last night how i felt, when he came home from work...I told him that i cant deal with it, and I cant..I cried all night...I broke up with him..He didn't leave, nor could he really expalin anything, until i told him that he at least owes me the explanation as to why i deserved this..He did admit that while he was dating me and seeing her too, that her friendship was more important, which tore me up as well, but I wanted the truth..

The rest of the night, I couldn't quit saying what I felt, and How he has made me feel with what he did...He was mad, I know he was, cuz he treated me like crap all night..He is still here, but still basically "ignoring" me..For some reason, I can't stop crying and shaking..My sister said it was my nerves..

Oh yeah, He also said last night, that "if it meant losing me, he dont want to be friends with her", but now, how can i believe he isnt lying...I love him, and I told him I do and will...But I feel like Im losing my head through all of this...

Thank You all so much for your advice!Take Care..