Dumper Says She Misses You After NC

[Juicer]

So you've been working hard on NC, you feel yourself making actual progress, then one day… out of the blue… she texts you saying "I miss you".

 

It now feels like a ton of bricks has landed on you. You had worked so hard making yourself a better person, consciously noticing the improvements you've made. All it took was three words and you feel like you're back to square on...

 

She suffers from GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome), so what does this text mean and how do you respond if your ultimate goal is to get her back?

[colosseum]

ouch man, that hurts.

 

from my experience, it's nearly a no win situation. if the relationship broke, it's--in my humble opinion--going to be so so so so so so so hard to get it back. the old problems will somehow resurface and in fact often in uglier ways because when they do resurface they will bring back with them history.

 

i would be extremely cautious of this right now and very protective of your feelings, my friend. the dumper right now probably feels loneliness and guilt mixed in with genuine longing for you, but if she's the one who dumped you she could easily do it again at her whim. that will hurt a lot more.

 

i can't have the answer for you, but my gut instinct would be to stay away from this. it beams danger--or rather, hurt. remind yourself what you liked about her, but also what didn't work; remind yourself what she said when she left, and whether it's something you believe would surface again. ask the tough questions.

 

if you want to win her back somehow...oh geeze...stay away from it. or really really really go slowly. let her know you're not waiting around for her, and that she really hurt you and that you are wary (as you should be).

 

my 2 cents? walk away from this. she'll dump you again when it's convenient for her.

 

best of luck.

[Rorschach64]

The possibility of change is always there, granted most often than not there will be subtle changes that won't do away with the original issues.

 

Anyway...how you should respond, you either say nothing or you say a cocky "I know." and nothing else. Up to you, but saying nothing might be easier.

[Awarth]

dude..this happen to me too..my ex call me and she miss me and dreams of me..but like wat they say..this is probably because they are lonely and missing your company..so, for me, i talk to her over the phone for a bit..did not bring up the breakup, jus catching up..but dont get ur hopes high, it does not mean that she is coming back..so just take care and dont think abt it too much..

[Rorschach64]

Most of the time it is the sole purpose of ego boosting so really...yeah, nothing of what you want will come from this.

[motive2002]

I've heard the term "bread crumbs" associated with this.

 

To me it's more like crack to an addict. You're having withdrawal symptoms from being addicted to the other person (which kicks into high gear when they dump you).

She's just waving a "fix" in front of you, and it's only for her benefit, not yours. She's just a dealer seeing if you're still hooked.

 

I'm in the same boat as you OP. I want her to miss me. I got a bread crumb waved in front of me about 2 weeks post breakup after adhering to strict NC. I sent her a message back a day later that could only be described as cordial. A mere acknowledgement that she sent anything. Haven't heard from her since.

 

It's called a break up because it's broken. I know that's really cliche, but NC is not not to draw the other person back. It's to heal and have the time to understand just WHY they aren't a good person for you.

 

In my case it's becoming more obvious that she wasn't really that into me. If someone is crazy about you, they'll make every effort to reconcile. They wouldn't have tossed you out to begin with.

No matter what excuses they gave you. no matter what they said, they had such little value for you as to dump you out of the blue and move on with their life. It's your turn to do the same.

 

Don't make a loaf out of the bread crumbs. They just want to see if you're still "hooked" because it's a possible opportunity to assuage some guilt and boost their ego. Like the crack dealer seeing if you're really clean or not.

[smokey bear]

So you've been working hard on NC, you feel yourself making actual progress, then one day… out of the blue… she texts you saying "I miss you".

 

It now feels like a ton of bricks has landed on you. You had worked so hard making yourself a better person, consciously noticing the improvements you've made. All it took was three words and you feel like you're back to square on...

 

She suffers from GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome), so what does this text mean and how do you respond if your ultimate goal is to get her back?

 

Can you give us some details on your breakup, how long broke up, was there someone else involved, is she still with him, if not how long has she been single, how long nc.

 

There are a couple of us here trying to understand gigs.

 

If you want advice on getting back together not a lot of people with help with that, most say its broke move on but some of us are trying for second chances and will tell you our tales, not give advice but tell you what works for us and what doesnt.

 

If you can provide more details it would help

[M2155]

Well she said she misses you so she's lonely and you're an easy, trusty option. But missing you and wanting you back are not the same so you have to proceed with caution.

 

The advantage to ignoring is to see if she contacts you again. If she REALLY misses you she's going to make a real effort. But it is hard to ignore as you're curious her real intentions. So if I were in your shoes I'd do like one of the above posters and reply with something cordial. "Thanks, hope you are doing well" or something. I agree the details have to be examined and problems do tend to resurface as a relationship is easy to recapture but hard to sustain. But if she makes a real, real effort, not you handing it to her (which is what I think we expect with an ex- to jump back to where we were instead of starting over), then I'd be open to listening. But if your gut is telling you otherwise, listen, it's always right.

[chados]

gigs is our way to say that theres still a chance getting back together. here's the deal. its not rare at all that the dumper miss you. if the dumpee is moving on before the dumper does, if the dumpee starts dating fast, or if the dumpers new girl/guy isnt making her happy, which is rare if youre not over your past relationship. theres a huge possibility that he/she will miss the ex.

 

does that mean they want to get back together? maybe, but when they get back together they often realize it was a mistake.

 

people gets back together, dont get me wrong. but people stay together if love is still there.

 

people are selfish, they dont realize theyre just alone. so always be careful when an ex is telling you they want you back. especially if theyve just dated another one. i mean, dont you always want something back when you dont have it anymore? or when you know you cant have it. and when your sad its hard to tell what youre exactly feeling. me for instance dont even know if i still love my ex.

[smokey bear]

gigs is our way to say that theres still a chance getting back together. here's the deal. its not rare at all that the dumper miss you. if the dumpee is moving on before the dumper does, if the dumpee starts dating fast, or if the dumpers new girl/guy isnt making her happy, which is rare if youre not over your past relationship. theres a huge possibility that he/she will miss the ex.

 

does that mean they want to get back together? maybe, but when they get back together they often realize it was a mistake.

 

people gets back together, dont get me wrong. but people stay together if love is still there.

 

people are selfish, they dont realize theyre just alone. so always be careful when an ex is telling you they want you back. especially if theyve just dated another one. i mean, dont you always want something back when you dont have it anymore? or when you know you cant have it. and when your sad its hard to tell what youre exactly feeling. me for instance dont even know if i still love my ex.

 

 

I disagree with the gigs statement, as someone who has actually had GIGS i would describe it as doing a complete 180 in life on what you want and your boundaries and morals. You believe your the best thing since sliced bread, and often do things that lose the respect of your family and friends, things you would never normally do.

 

I wouldnt make her work for it, i wouldnt make her beg or suffer.

 

If you want to reply and are looking to get her back i would take a different approach from what has been suggested here but i would prefer to hear the details of the break up, how long and period of nc before i stick my oar in.

 

I believe you can get an ex back with gigs at two stages, stage 4 coming home where you have to endure some more pain and time before they reach stage 5 which could take another 6 months, or they venture back at stage 5.

 

Stage 4 returners wont crawl back on their knees, stage 5 returners will but 6 months is a long time between stages.

[chados]

yes i believe you could do mistakes in your life. sometimes you dont know what you want. but its like, whenever a person are reading about gigs for the first time, they automatically believe that their ex has it. im just saying, dumpers do have feelings, they can be lonely to after a breakup. and if they start dating and that doesnt work out, they could feel even more lonely. and do an even bigger mistake by going back to their ex. so like you said, make them truly work for it.

 

 

i dont know if i want her back, right now im moving on. im feeling a lot better. if she wants me back, hopefully she will tell me

[Chi townD]

Okay...she misses you....so what! She made the choice to have you out of her life and you're giving her exactly what she asked for. She missing you doesn't change that fact.She missing you is nothing more than breadcrumbs. She's feeling a little down and it would make her feel so much better if she knew you were missing her too. That she had an impact on your life that you're a mess and thinking about her constantly.

 

Which one would you be more proned to respond to. "I miss you." or " I'm so sorry, I made a huge mistake and I found that I can't live without you in my life. Can we talk?"

 

Breadcrumbs...leave it alone.

[Juicer]

Soo some people asked for details, here's a few:

 

- dated 2 yrs

- very close with each others families

- traveled a lot together

- a lot of mututal friends

- we did everything together

- the last month we were together she was talking a lot about future, kids, moving in etc.

 

THEN BANG

- broke up because she "wanted to be independent, grow, and learn to fend for herself rather than always relying on someone (me), and work on her own friendships that she had put off to the side"

 

- broke up just over 4 months ago

- there is nobody else, she's not seeing anyone

- since then contact has been very limited, always initiated by her

- absolute no contact for almost 2 months because I told her I needed time and space etc. until two weeks ago when she ran into my parents and they talked, a few mins after my parents saw her crying alone, and sure enough i received a text that day.

- she would ask me basic stuff like how I'm doing, what I'm up to etc. and bring up things like the holidays are going to be tough without me. i responded by keeping the convo light and casual.

 

- two weeks go by and theres nothing until last night, same basic talk and then she says "do you mind that i text you", i say "Nope, it doesn't bother me at all" she replies "I miss you and just wonder what you're up to and how you're doing, ya know".

- this is when i posted, i didn't want to give her that "ego boost" and think that i'm still very hung up on her. i read a lot around and decided to go with "Ya for sure i know, so don't worry about it, you can text me".

 

My reasoning for this is that i didn't want to fall into her trap, but i also didn't want to be cold, and i wanted to keep an open line of communication. Now its been awhile and she hasn't responded. I know that she's the type of girl who ALWAYS wants what she can't have, and her friends have even told me this and suggested i was less "available" to her cause even they think she's crazy for doing what she did to me lol.

 

Did i play it well? I'd love to hear your responses, and i thank everyone who gave me feedback, its very helpful!

[smokey bear]

Soo some people asked for details, here's a few:

 

- dated 2 yrs

- very close with each others families

- traveled a lot together

- a lot of mututal friends

- we did everything together

- the last month we were together she was talking a lot about future, kids, moving in etc.

 

THEN BANG

- broke up because she "wanted to be independent, grow, and learn to fend for herself rather than always relying on someone (me), and work on her own friendships that she had put off to the side"

 

- broke up just over 4 months ago

- there is nobody else, she's not seeing anyone

- since then contact has been very limited, always initiated by her

- absolute no contact for almost 2 months because I told her I needed time and space etc. until two weeks ago when she ran into my parents and they talked, a few mins after my parents saw her crying alone, and sure enough i received a text that day.

- she would ask me basic stuff like how I'm doing, what I'm up to etc. and bring up things like the holidays are going to be tough without me. i responded by keeping the convo light and casual.

 

- two weeks go by and theres nothing until last night, same basic talk and then she says "do you mind that i text you", i say "Nope, it doesn't bother me at all" she replies "I miss you and just wonder what you're up to and how you're doing, ya know".

- this is when i posted, i didn't want to give her that "ego boost" and think that i'm still very hung up on her. i read a lot around and decided to go with "Ya for sure i know, so don't worry about it, you can text me".

 

My reasoning for this is that i didn't want to fall into her trap, but i also didn't want to be cold, and i wanted to keep an open line of communication. Now its been awhile and she hasn't responded. I know that she's the type of girl who ALWAYS wants what she can't have, and her friends have even told me this and suggested i was less "available" to her cause even they think she's crazy for doing what she did to me lol.

 

Did i play it well? I'd love to hear your responses, and i thank everyone who gave me feedback, its very helpful!

 

 

 

as mr kipling would say, you played it excedingly well.

 

If it was me i would reply saying

 

" I understand how your feeling but im sorry, unless you want to try and work on getting back together can you please respect that i need space to move on and not contact me, thanks take care."

 

1) stops the breadcrumbs, shuts down all friendly contact, its a bit like a ultimatum.

2) send signals your moving on, hopefully pushing her panic button.

3) lets her know your open to recon with doing the whole do you want to get back together thing, your leaving the ball in her court, she's not to contact you unless its about getting back together.

4) no chance of getting friend zoned

5) your 50/50 in power, your sticking to nc unless for recon, she doesnt get any of you without recon.

 

 

She is asking all the right questions shes at the stage where she's thinking of you not herself, asking how your doing etc.

 

She fishing, so stop the fishing that can lead to ego boost or satisfy her curiosity, cut her off dead, she has to consider recon or carry on feeling as she is.

 

My 2 cents.

[Juicer]

well i definitely wasn't expecting or hoping for a response from her but i just got one: "Ok that's good! You can txt me something too you know! i don't mind either hahahaha"

 

im confused by this? is she saying that i should say "i miss you too" if i do?

 

either way, should i just say "thank you"?!

[chados]

well i definitely wasn't expecting or hoping for a response from her but i just got one: "Ok that's good! You can txt me something too you know! i don't mind either hahahaha"

 

im confused by this? is she saying that i should say "i miss you too" if i do?

 

either way, should i just say "thank you"?!

 

theres no doubt that she miss you. but that doesnt mean she wants you. well right now probably, but she could just be alone. let her work for it if you decide taking her back. of course she wants you to say that you miss her. everybody wants that. especially when were alone. i would personally go with something like. hi nice to hear from you, what have you been up to? without any smiley faces . that doesnt say "i miss you to" but by saying thank you just make you look like some 12 year old boy.

[Chi townD]

and.....are you ready for it?....wait....wait.....and!....WELCOME TO THE FRIEND ZONE!!!!!!

 

Dude, you guys are going to be texting back and forth and maybe a phonecall here and there...until she finds someone new and then the texts and phonecalls are going to get less and less and then one day, you're going to find out that she's seeing someone. THEN, you're gonna get all mad and be back where you first started.

[M2155]

You say nothing or something like "cool. See u around." Then initiate no more.

[Juicer]

well i did it, i responded with a simple "alright, thanks, we'll keep in touch"… despite what anyone says or recommends I'm not going to be an ******* and not respond or just say "cool", its just not who i am and i don't care if that ruins things.

 

we'll see what happens, but for now I'm going to continue to do my best, and work on myself for the time being. i won't get caught up in this and i won't distract myself with another relationship just to get over her. i realize that i am the only one in control of my happiness and it shouldn't be based on her actions.

 

thanks everybody