One year of NC and I sent this message:

[J0N]

God I miss you, it is too bad how we ended. It was such a great thing, sad to end the way it did.

 

Probably a mistake

[smudge21]

That's gonna' set you back a fair bit when she does/doesn't respond.

 

That said, I understand why you sent it - the desire to break NC can be so strong. Hopefully you'll be okay after this and learn from it.

[Kamila]

Are you sending it to get back together ?

 

Or is it just something you want to tell her so it would stir something inside of her ?

[fucpcg]

After 1 year of nc, you have everything to gain, and nothing to lose. My ex and I rapidly approaching 1 year nc, she'll be hearing from me.

[J0N]

I went to go to a football game in her home town. It was a bit of a trip down memory lane. I had obviously had a few drinks when I sent this. Luckily I messed up the phone number. My ex never got it, I shouldn't be so weak. I don't really miss my ex as much as I am lonely. If I had the option I would never take her back.

[sandman223]

Been a little under a year for me as well. Have mostly had no contact the whole time, with one meet-up, a couple run-ins mixed in. I thought I was doing great, but recently I have been missing her a lot more. I know how you feel. Its tough, even after so long.

[davesterr]

After 1 year of nc, you have everything to gain, and nothing to lose. My ex and I rapidly approaching 1 year nc, she'll be hearing from me.

 

you have nothing to lose except your hopes , getting hurt again , ur self respect and dignity and the fact that you get rejected again.

then again if you believe theres a shot then by all means do it.

but you definitely have stuff to lose even if your ex is no longer yours.

[Ajax]

JON, I think you dodged a bullet of your own firing. I think it's for the best that she never got it. I mean... yikes! Her receiving that out of the blue could have been bad.

[fucpcg]

you have nothing to lose except your hopes , getting hurt again , ur self respect and dignity and the fact that you get rejected again.

then again if you believe theres a shot then by all means do it.

but you definitely have stuff to lose even if your ex is no longer yours.

 

Those may be your issues, and that certainly doesn't make them mine. Would take a real weak character to feel all those things just because someone didn't write you back. No worries here, how bout you?

[davesterr]

My issues? I'm not the one actually sending my ex a message because im gonna try to get her back.

So no , they aren't my issues.

 

Like i said , it's your life.

If you feel imume to rejection then good for you.

If you get your hopes up because you want to get back together and she will ignore you because she dumped you for a reason and most likely nothing will have changed but yet feel untouched by it , again good for you.

 

I however am not some idiot who's blind to emotion.

Why you think j0n here is glad he didn't sent it correctly?

If you want to contact your ex again then go for it.

But don't go posting on here crying when it doesn't turn out right.

Because like you said , they're my issues not yours right?

 

Also funny you mentioned ''weak character''

Isn't it a weak character of you going nc because you can't handle talking to your ex?

Isn't it weak character that you are on a forum reading about break ups and posting about it?

There's nothing weak about dealing with your emotions and making your life better.

I think you got your ego too far up but it's always those who think they're invisible that get hurt again.

Either way i don't really care about you.

I simply replied in here because i wanted to let the topic starter and people know that contacting your ex can have its negative effects.

And unlike you , j0n actually realised it and everyone else besides you already knew this.

Edited December 13, 2011 by davesterr

[Gdunkman]

J0N, I'm happy you didn't send it. Please read the message on your userpic and act as it says! I'm currently approaching 1 month NC, feeling strong about it, she doesn't exist in my world. Thanks god we are far away from each other!

[fucpcg]

My issues? I'm not the one actually sending my ex a message because im gonna try to get her back.

So no , they aren't my issues.

 

Like i said , it's your life.

If you feel imume to rejection then good for you.

If you get your hopes up because you want to get back together and she will ignore you because she dumped you for a reason and most likely nothing will have changed but yet feel untouched by it , again good for you.

 

I however am not some idiot who's blind to emotion.

Why you think j0n here is glad he didn't sent it correctly?

If you want to contact your ex again then go for it.

But don't go posting on here crying when it doesn't turn out right.

Because like you said , they're my issues not yours right?

 

Also funny you mentioned ''weak character''

Isn't it a weak character of you going nc because you can't handle talking to your ex?

Isn't it weak character that you are on a forum reading about break ups and posting about it?

There's nothing weak about dealing with your emotions and making your life better.

I think you got your ego too far up but it's always those who think they're invisible that get hurt again.

Either way i don't really care about you.

I simply replied in here because i wanted to let the topic starter and people know that contacting your ex can have its negative effects.

And unlike you , j0n actually realised it and everyone else besides you already knew this.

 

Uh huh, sure Dave.

 

So many people in here need to grow some backbone, and some balls. God forbid you take a shot at talking to your ex and not get the desired result. I'll go to mygrave knowing I always bled my heart, regardless of potential outcome. If it worked great, if it didn't so be it. I gave it all I could. If u want to avoid facing your feelings because you are scared of the outcome, go for it. Personally I could care less what you do with your life. Just don't be a jackass and assume you know me, or that you have the right to declare you advice relevant by pointing out fearful outcomes by considering my advice. If you wanna tell john to fear his post text feelings, do it without referencing my advice. Stand on your own two feet with your dating wisdom.

 

I would have sent a text like that, nothing to lose and everything to gain. But apparently im super human. Welll all have to settle somewhere in life....

[J0N]

JON, I think you dodged a bullet of your own firing. I think it's for the best that she never got it. I mean... yikes! Her receiving that out of the blue could have been bad.

 

I feel so stupid for doing this. I feel like I put the revolver up to my head and somehow luckily I missed. So stupid, I was drunk and with some old friends, it brought back old memories.

 

The only good to come out of this was that she never got it, and nobody has to find out about it. I couldn't even imagine the **** storm of my ex actually got the message. She would probably have had somebody else get back to me and ask me what the F is wrong with me.

 

Thank God I messed up that number. Never doing that again. I've made it to one year of nc and I almost blew it with a simple text.

 

WHEEEEHW

[davesterr]

Uh huh, sure Dave.

 

So many people in here need to grow some backbone, and some balls. God forbid you take a shot at talking to your ex and not get the desired result. I'll go to mygrave knowing I always bled my heart, regardless of potential outcome. If it worked great, if it didn't so be it. I gave it all I could. If u want to avoid facing your feelings because you are scared of the outcome, go for it. Personally I could care less what you do with your life. Just don't be a jackass and assume you know me, or that you have the right to declare you advice relevant by pointing out fearful outcomes by considering my advice. If you wanna tell john to fear his post text feelings, do it without referencing my advice. Stand on your own two feet with your dating wisdom.

 

I would have sent a text like that, nothing to lose and everything to gain. But apparently im super human. Welll all have to settle somewhere in life....

 

Actually sending a text with no expectations means nothing to lose.

Once you have hope or expectations then you do have stuff to lose.

But you aren't capable of realising it.

 

Second , you don't know me or the stuff that i have done to get back with my ex.

You think sending a text hiding behind your smart phone means you got a ''backbone'' or ''balls''?

That's a freaking joke.

 

Anyways feel free to do what you want.

I'm sure you and your balls will be happy.

About my advice , no one is forced to take it.

If you don't want it , dont read it.

 

And no one mentioned anything about being scared of the outcome.

It's called common sense and predicting the obvious that would happen.

That's why i stated in my first post: If you wanna go for it then go for it.

But for most , nothing will have changed.

And therefore it is stupid to text them because if you do text then you have expectations or hope.

And if you have expectations or hope then you can be let down.

But if you are over your ex and simply do not care about the results.

Then yeah in that case you really do got nothing to lose.

But most likely , we all know that's not the case.

 

This is just another example of someone taking shiit from this site personal.

No one forces you to be here , no one forces you to read anything.

Don't like to be quoted? Then don't post.

And before you make your own judgement because you feel you been attacked , realise what the post ment and don't come up with crap like being afraid of the outcome when nothing at all has mentioned that.

Edited December 13, 2011 by davesterr

[fucpcg]

Fair enuf dave. We are all in here for the same reason, to give and to get help from others all going thru a bad time. Best wishes to everyone here. I just know I honestly get upset when I see people fear being true to their feelings, but maybe I am able take that better than the average. I guess to me the fear of not being able to be true to myself always trumps the fear of a negative response from the ex. I have felt immense pain from our breakup, I am NOT super human. I just know I am most upset with myself when I am not true to myself, and that is when I don't wear my heart on sleeves. If a girl can't respect that, good luck with your next boyfriend....

[GreenPolicy]

I don't see any downside to breaking NC if you're COMPLETELY over your ex and honestly just want to say hi and catch up in a friendly manner. It's gravy and a bonus if she gives you any kind of validation or actually expresses an interest in reconciling.

 

But the OP's message was not one of indifference and nonchalance. He hasn't heard a peep from his ex in a year...and had she received it, it would have been an admission that he's not over her, still pines and yearns for her, and he's coming back to her hoping she's changed her mind because he doesn't have any other options out there. That won't make him look good in her eyes. It's safe to assume that her feelings have not changed...otherwise, she'd be contacting him, right?

 

Really, his only play here would have been to send something casual along the lines of "Hey, it's been forever. I hope you're doing well and wanted to say hi. I'm up to this or that. Hope things are good on your end," etc and then risk what she has to say in response, including information that might crush him since he's not over her.

 

I've followed JON's story and I understand how he feels because our relationships ended in a very similar manner. I haven't heard from my ex in nearly a year and then it was only to get her stuff back. I'm not over her either and it's been a long, hard slog to recover. I get tempted sometimes to break NC because of the "unfinished business" nature of our parting and what a mindf*ck it was, but then I remember that if she wanted to be with me, she has my email address, knows how to look me up on facebook, presumably still has my phone number, etc. I stick to NC because it preserves my sanity, my dignity and what little control I have over the entire situation.

[davesterr]

I flew to a different country for 6 months on my own to try and get my gf back.

I agree that you should always stay true to yourself and do what you feel is right.

Even if that means giving it another try and go as far as i did for it.

 

I never said to let fear stop j0n from doing what he wants.

And i never recommend letting fear hold you down to anyone.

But i do want to let people know the positive and negative outcomes of ones decission.

In the end it is up to the person to decide whether making it is worth it.

 

We're all just here to help.

[orbiting]

Major respect for fucpcg. As controversial as his views (clearly) may be, I think he's spot-on. Best of luck.

Edited December 13, 2011 by orbiting

[rnadom32]

No disrespect to the original poster, but your text conveys two things

 

A. After one year you still have not moved on(you're still thinking about the relationship)

 

B. You wish to re-initiate contact

 

While there is nothing inherently wrong with B, A is where you went wrong. I say this with the utmost respect: MOVE ON. You are wasting time and energy thinking about this person. I don't care if she was a millionaire/ victoria secret model/Nobel prize winner/ etc. The right person is one that wants to be with you.

The key is to realize what once was, you can never recapture. Whatever you felt WILL happen again with another girl. In order for this to happen though, you have to let go of the old one.

[Sugarkane]

Jon I understand because I'm in the exact situation. Unfinished breakup, no a answers and never been contacted. I still don't think you ex remotely even deserves to year from you. Knowing what these dumpers are like, I hope someone screws her over.

[Sugarkane]

I find these cut and run people weird. How they leave everything unfinished and then you never year from them again. Unlike majority of people on here.

[GreenPolicy]

I find these cut and run people weird. How they leave everything unfinished and then you never year from them again. Unlike majority of people on here.

 

Just be glad you can't relate to their behavior. You're going to do better than your ex long term. But you have to let go of EVERYTHING - false hopes of reconciliation, an apology for treating you poorly, any kind of validation or vindication that he was wrong to dump you, thoughts of him, trying to figure out all the whys and hows of your relationship ending, etc....easier said than done, I know. I still struggle in many ways. I'm not the best at taking my own advice.

 

The longer you stay stuck on your ex is the longer that you delay your healing and moving on towards the next great thing in your life. That's all the motivation you need to move on and let go: you want to be ready for the next great guy who comes along, but he won't see you or have the patience to pursue something with you if you're buried underneath layers of baggage from your ex.

 

I know how hard it is to get abruptly cut off when things seem to be going well and mere days after they're talking marriage, engagement, kids, future, etc. I think in the beginning it is normal and completely healthy to obsess, since your brain is compelled to try and make sense of such a bewildering and painful experience. That's better than repressing and distracting yourself with partying, drugs and alcohol. But at a certain point, it's like a Rubik's Cube you can't solve that you have to put down and stop messing with. You're not going to solve it, you're not going to get all the answers, and even if you did get them it wouldn't take the pain away. Having all the answers might even make things worse. At a certain point you have to accept that you did the best you could and that has to be good enough for you.

 

You don't want to be with a walk-away future faker anyways. It's always a matter of when and not if with them. He could have done this to you after marriage and a couple kids. So thank your lucky stars that some higher power out there is looking out for you and spared you an even worse outcome.

[J0N]

I know to some it may seem pathetic that I would do something like this, and I will be the first to admit that it was a really bad idea. It was a moment of weakness, I didn't think it would be a big deal to go to that game or hang out in her hometown with what were mutual friends. When the originally invited me I expressed doubt about running into my ex. My friends assured me that she didn't live in the town so there was no way I would bump into her. Last time I went to a game was over a year ago with her. Stupid idea for me to go.

 

I am still really disappointed in myself that I almost texted her. She would either not have responded, or gotten one of her friends to do her dirty work. There have been times when I have come close to breaking nc, but not for maybe nine months now. At this point I stand with Greenpolicy, she has my info, and the ball has been in her court for sometime now.

 

I don't know why I still think about her sometimes, she was pretty cruel to me. I had no closure and still not 100% sure why she dumped me, though I have my theories. For the most part several days can go by without giving her a second thought, only when I am down about something or I take a stroll down memory lane. Bad bad bad idea. Needless to say I've learned my lesson.

 

I am glad that you guys are here to talk to about this. I didn't tell any of my friends, I do put on a pretty good face around them when it comes to the breakup. So as far as everyone I know is concerned (and people I hang out with that are friends with her) I don't care about her, and she is no friend of mine. I never said anything mean, but my actions make it clear that I have no interest in speaking with her.

[GreenPolicy]

I know to some it may seem pathetic that I would do something like this, and I will be the first to admit that it was a really bad idea. It was a moment of weakness, I didn't think it would be a big deal to go to that game or hang out in her hometown with what were mutual friends. When the originally invited me I expressed doubt about running into my ex. My friends assured me that she didn't live in the town so there was no way I would bump into her. Last time I went to a game was over a year ago with her. Stupid idea for me to go.

 

I am still really disappointed in myself that I almost texted her. She would either not have responded, or gotten one of her friends to do her dirty work. There have been times when I have come close to breaking nc, but not for maybe nine months now. At this point I stand with Greenpolicy, she has my info, and the ball has been in her court for sometime now.

 

I don't know why I still think about her sometimes, she was pretty cruel to me. I had no closure and still not 100% sure why she dumped me, though I have my theories. For the most part several days can go by without giving her a second thought, only when I am down about something or I take a stroll down memory lane. Bad bad bad idea. Needless to say I've learned my lesson.

 

I am glad that you guys are here to talk to about this. I didn't tell any of my friends, I do put on a pretty good face around them when it comes to the breakup. So as far as everyone I know is concerned (and people I hang out with that are friends with her) I don't care about her, and she is no friend of mine. I never said anything mean, but my actions make it clear that I have no interest in speaking with her.

 

Dude, don't worry, it's not pathetic. It is EXTRAORDINARILY hard to get closure when you're blindsided, when up until the day they leave they've convinced you everything is peachy, when they cut you off so abruptly and refuse to speak to you again. Not knowing what exactly happened is worse than actually knowing - you wonder if she cheated, met somebody else, if she ever loved you, if she was "faking it," etc. It's traumatic when somebody messes with your reality like that. It is cruel to walk away like that.

 

When my ex-ex and I broke up, I was sad. I shed a few tears, but she handled things with such integrity and respect for me that I was able to get closure pretty easily and I was able to date again after that fairly soon.

 

I know it's hard. Logically and rationally I know that my ex is no good for me, and I told my story to a lot of people, and they all said the same thing: "Trust me, you dodged a bullet. It had nothing to do with you, and you wouldn't want to be with somebody like this for the long haul. You were lucky." But sometimes a logical and rational mind is no match for a yearning heart. I recently came across my ex's facebook page when I was looking at something else. I never seek out her profile but she had posted on the wall of a local business's page. I wasn't expecting to see it and my heart skipped a few beats. I couldn't resist the temptation to click on her profile. Thankfully there was nothing conclusive to indicate if she's seeing somebody or not. So I was lucky...but no more trips down memory lane for me.

 

You gotta fight back. Your ex is not thinking about you to the same extent you are thinking about her, so you have to give as good as you get. You have to push yourself to get over her and feel better. A watched pot of water never boils. I've been kinda doing that myself, impatiently expecting things to get better and not always doing productive things to facilitate it. I was doing better until I saw her facebook, which was the first time I'd seen it in almost a year. Like I said, nothing concrete either way about her dating life, but seeing mundane sh*t made me sad. Also, there was some activity that I was able to figure out the places that she goes to nightlife and recreational-wise...the mind starts to race: "When did she go to these places? Who did she go with? Why would she go there?" Looking at their fb is breaking NC in a way. So none of that.

 

It will get better, but you have to figure out a way to let go and move on. It feels like I've been hauling this luggage around for the past 14 months and sometimes it's not so heavy and sometimes it's unbearably heavy. I'm in the same boat as you trying to move on.

[Kamila]

What would get my attention is my ex actually calling me instead of texting.

 

I'll be like:

 

Why ? Because he would be out of his comfort zone and actually making a real move.

Also because I'll hear his low sexy voice, but that is beside the point ...

Texting is not a real move (according to me eh, but hey guys, give your opinion on it. Why don't guys call instead of texting ? Is it because they are afraid ?)

 

But since he has the backbone of a jellyfish, I'm not counting on ze call !