lolita jade Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I just thought of a question to ask! If your ex is in a rebound/gigs. Does it depend how selfish he is as to whether he will miss you after NC. What I mean is mine is acting very selfish and uncaring during his honeymoon phase and cant imagine that changing if he still cares for his OW. I cant imagine him ever thinking of my needs again when right now it is all 100 per cent him. Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I just thought of a question to ask! If your ex is in a rebound/gigs. Does it depend how selfish he is as to whether he will miss you after NC. What I mean is mine is acting very selfish and uncaring during his honeymoon phase and cant imagine that changing if he still cares for his OW. I cant imagine him ever thinking of my needs again when right now it is all 100 per cent him. gigs is a made up word for us dumpees because we want to know theres a second chance, even if its rebound/gigs with the new person, it doesnt mean they wants us back. im not saying its impossible though. many people are getting into new relationships because they are lonely. that includes the dumper. believe it or not, but not many dumpers are feeling great after a breakup. does it depend how selfish ex is? absolutely. i like the line from pulp fiction. "its pride ****ing with you" sometimes people are way to proud to admit theyve made a mistake. just think about it. you break up with a guy, wouldnt you find it hard to admit you miss them? Link to post Share on other sites
M2155 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 It doesn't matter. Selfish or not, his focus is on her right now. If he is hurt or lonely enough, pride wont stop him. But YOU should be focused on you and things you can control. Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 It doesn't matter. Selfish or not, his focus is on her right now. If he is hurt or lonely enough, pride wont stop him. But YOU should be focused on you and things you can control. disagree, sure it might not stop you in the long run, but theyre not going to tell you before they cant control their emotions any longer Link to post Share on other sites
M2155 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 (edited) Isn't that what you want? I don't think I want to hear from you when it's not meaningful enough for you to take the extra step. I doubt how selfish a person is has anything to do with if they'll miss you or not- but if/when it bothers them enough, they'll reach out. If your ego is too big to tell me, you probably aren't ready to give 110% to the relationship either. OP how he acts today matches his feelings today. Edited December 13, 2011 by M2155 Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Isn't that what you want? I don't think I want to hear from you when it's not meaningful enough for you to take the extra step. I doubt how selfish a person is has anything to do with if they'll miss you or not- but if/when it bothers them enough, they'll reach out. If your ego is too big to tell me, you probably aren't ready to give 110% to the relationship either. OP how he acts today matches his feelings today. well that it true. what i mean is it could affect how fast you are willing to tell the other person. as i see it. either your just stubborn and you kinda want to have the upper hand, which by the way shows youre not 110% ready to give anything to the relationship just like you said. or youre feeling guilt because you believe that you made a huge mistake. and that also makes you wanna have the upper hand, instead of just telling him/her you want them back Link to post Share on other sites
mike588 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 gigs is a made up word for us dumpees because we want to know theres a second chance, even if its rebound/gigs with the new person, it doesnt mean they wants us back. im not saying its impossible though. many people are getting into new relationships because they are lonely. that includes the dumper. believe it or not, but not many dumpers are feeling great after a breakup. does it depend how selfish ex is? absolutely. i like the line from pulp fiction. "its pride ****ing with you" sometimes people are way to proud to admit theyve made a mistake. just think about it. you break up with a guy, wouldnt you find it hard to admit you miss them? You mentioned: Not many dumpers are feeling great after a breakup,, I can see where some may be sad or hurt alittle but wouldn't they feel relief that the relationship is over,,they were unhappy and they finally ended it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita jade Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 (edited) I get it, So its all about admitting failure and nobody does that, unless the last straw. So, they need to get past pride, stubborness, unhappiness, failure and realising that they still love us to come back. I am glad I asked. At least I know what the odds are I have realised one thing in my case though. If when we separated I turned into a happy go lucky fun, independant person to be around, intstead of a needy, upset, depressed thing I would bet 100 per cent my husband wouldn't have needed/ wanted to have OW. I couldn't force how I acted though, even though I knew this at the time. I couldn't help it. I have learnt now, even if probably too late to get husband back. At least I will be happier, learn to love myself with my bubbly old self back. Edited December 13, 2011 by lolita jade Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I get it, So its all about admitting failure and nobody does that, unless the last straw. So, they need to get past pride, stubborness, unhappiness, failure and realising that they still love us to come back. I am glad I asked. At least I know what the odds are I have realised one thing in my case though. If when we separated I turned into a happy go lucky fun, independant person to be around, intstead of a needy, upset, depressed thing I would bet 100 per cent my husband wouldn't have needed/ wanted to have OW. I couldn't force how I acted though, even though I knew this at the time. I couldn't help it. I have learnt now, even if probably too late to get husband back. At least I will be happier, learn to love myself with my bubbly old self back. its not like no one admits failure, but yes i believe its a problem for some. and of course how the dumpee acted after the breakup, i mean you could simply tell the dumper that you want nothing to do with them ever again. how would the dumper react then? mike. most often yes, but sometimes people break up because they cant feel that its working anymore, could be because of longdistance. they just want more you know. and its hard to admit you made a mistake after hurting a guy so badly. it could take months. and then its to late. Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 (edited) I get it, So its all about admitting failure and nobody does that, unless the last straw. So, they need to get past pride, stubborness, unhappiness, failure and realising that they still love us to come back. I am glad I asked. At least I know what the odds are I have realised one thing in my case though. If when we separated I turned into a happy go lucky fun, independant person to be around, intstead of a needy, upset, depressed thing I would bet 100 per cent my husband wouldn't have needed/ wanted to have OW. I couldn't force how I acted though, even though I knew this at the time. I couldn't help it. I have learnt now, even if probably too late to get husband back. At least I will be happier, learn to love myself with my bubbly old self back. its not like no one admits failure, but yes i believe its a problem for some. and of course how the dumpee acted after the breakup, i mean you could simply tell the dumper that you want nothing to do with them ever again. how would the dumper react then? im glad youre moving on, you'll find someone mike. most often yes, but sometimes people break up because they cant feel that its working anymore, could be because of longdistance. they just want more you know. and its hard to admit you made a mistake after hurting a guy so badly. it could take months. and then its to late. sorry for double post Edited December 13, 2011 by chados Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita jade Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 Precisely Chad, I wish I'd have said something like that and acted the opposite of the way I did. But we are so shocked that we try to stop the break up rather than thinking reverse psycology. I will act like that now but it is 3 months since he told me of OW and well loved up now, so doubt if me acting fun, independant and even having OM would change his mind. The change is now needed for me. At least it is a life lesson and we will all be experts in this area of psycology Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Precisely Chad, I wish I'd have said something like that and acted the opposite of the way I did. But we are so shocked that we try to stop the break up rather than thinking reverse psycology. I will act like that now but it is 3 months since he told me of OW and well loved up now, so doubt if me acting fun, independant and even having OM would change his mind. The change is now needed for me. At least it is a life lesson and we will all be experts in this area of psycology haha yeah, i wasnt talking about reverse psychology, i mean it would be hard for the dumper to admit failure, when it looks like you dont care whatsoever. but youre right, the best way is to show the other person youre moving on, and even if that psychology trick is kinda childish. it does often give "you" the upper hand. Link to post Share on other sites
mike588 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 As far as being selfish my ex. sent me a long i'm so sorry email 2 days after dumping me,,, she was replying to an angry email I sent her where I said Oh your so happy now you finally got what you wanted blah blah blah and she replyed with :Yes I'm happy now but am dealing with emotions of: Loss Sadness Grief How true that statement is only she knows? I guess that's being selfish? by dumping me and going back to her ex. because that's what she wanted all along? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita jade Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 Childish or not He has played a pretty ****e game on me after 25 years of marriage. I do intend to get the upper hand and that is to make my life great. He may or may not wish he had stayed with me but he is now saddled with her 3 kids so has extended his babysitting years by 10. I on the other had am free to enjoy life to the full Must make that bucket list.............. Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 As far as being selfish my ex. sent me a long i'm so sorry email 2 days after dumping me,,, she was replying to an angry email I sent her where I said Oh your so happy now you finally got what you wanted blah blah blah and she replyed with :Yes I'm happy now but am dealing with emotions of: Loss Sadness Grief How true that statement is only she knows? I guess that's being selfish? by dumping me and going back to her ex. because that's what she wanted all along? its always selfish to dump someone, im not saying they are bad people, but they only do it for themselfs. theyre not doing it to make you feel better 10 years from now. well that would be rare ill tell you that. if she ever loved you, if only as a friend. if she doesnt feel loss sadness or grief, she's just not human. so yes, i do believe she's telling you the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
mike588 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 its always selfish to dump someone, im not saying they are bad people, but they only do it for themselfs. theyre not doing it to make you feel better 10 years from now. well that would be rare ill tell you that. if she ever loved you, if only as a friend. if she doesnt feel loss sadness or grief, she's just not human. so yes, i do believe she's telling you the truth. It's just so sad it didn't work out (I know we all feel that way)maybe the timing was wrong? or if she didn't still have feelings/love for him. I did tell her she needs to "purge" herself of him,, 2nd, maybe 3rd time back to him and if things didn't work out give me a call but I'M NOT WAITING FOR YOU.That's when I would of taken her back in a heart beat!! Kinda regret saying that now and can't take it back,, to much damage has been done and my feelings have changed. Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 It's just so sad it didn't work out (I know we all feel that way)maybe the timing was wrong? or if she didn't still have feelings/love for him. I did tell her she needs to "purge" herself of him,, 2nd, maybe 3rd time back to him and if things didn't work out give me a call but I'M NOT WAITING FOR YOU.That's when I would of taken her back in a heart beat!! Kinda regret saying that now and can't take it back,, to much damage has been done and my feelings have changed. well, if it doesnt work out the 2nd or 3rd time, why would it work now? do you believe it yourself?. sounds to me like a woman who got no clue what she wants. you know, lets say she comes back. and of course if you still want her. do you have any idea why you two broke up? does it necessarily have to mean that she thinks he's better? who broke up when they were together? Link to post Share on other sites
mike588 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 well, if it doesnt work out the 2nd or 3rd time, why would it work now? do you believe it yourself?. sounds to me like a woman who got no clue what she wants. you know, lets say she comes back. and of course if you still want her. do you have any idea why you two broke up? does it necessarily have to mean that she thinks he's better? who broke up when they were together? Not sure I understand when you asked: do you (me) have any idea why you two (us) broke up? Yes,, she dumped me for him. The last time they broke up she did the breaking up,, She told me many times he just wasn't there for her,,, cold and distant,not meeting her needs etc. This is a lame thing she said,,, well we weren't officially broken up, they had a huge fight he up and left,,disappeared for almost a year so there was no actual,,,, I'm breaking up with you,,,,, I'd call it a breakup regardless if it's official or not when someone disappears for a year! Link to post Share on other sites
lilyblue Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 It's just so sad it didn't work out (I know we all feel that way)maybe the timing was wrong? or if she didn't still have feelings/love for him. I did tell her she needs to "purge" herself of him,, 2nd, maybe 3rd time back to him and if things didn't work out give me a call but I'M NOT WAITING FOR YOU.That's when I would of taken her back in a heart beat!! Kinda regret saying that now and can't take it back,, to much damage has been done and my feelings have changed. I think that was fine to say at the time. Of course that's going to be your reaction when you still want to be someone, in the heat of the moment. I look back on how I reacted and wonder if I could have done things differently after I realized what was happeneing, but what can you expect yourself to do when someone you care about leaves abruptly - just ignore it? In my head there were 3 ways I could have acted - 1. begged/pursued for weeks after I figured out he wasn't going to respond to me 2. gave it a reasonable try to get him to talk to me (I felt my 1-2 emails, 1 text was this) 3. just let him fall off the face of the earth. I don't think we can expect that we will follow #3 and it's ok to express emotions at the time. It's not like you're telling her that the door is open for her 4 months later, but it was at that moment I'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Not sure I understand when you asked: do you (me) have any idea why you two (us) broke up? Yes,, she dumped me for him. The last time they broke up she did the breaking up,, She told me many times he just wasn't there for her,,, cold and distant,not meeting her needs etc. This is a lame thing she said,,, well we weren't officially broken up, they had a huge fight he up and left,,disappeared for almost a year so there was no actual,,,, I'm breaking up with you,,,,, I'd call it a breakup regardless if it's official or not when someone disappears for a year! okey so she dumped him. and she dumped you. well isnt that a great sign that it doesnt have to be because she didnt love you, but rather because she just cant choose what she wants in life? i think youre to hard on yourself man. what i meant by asking "Not sure I understand when you asked: do you (me) have any idea why you two (us) broke up?" what do you believe made her choose him instead of you after the way he acted against her? Link to post Share on other sites
lilyblue Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 okey so she dumped him. and she dumped you. well isnt that a great sign that it doesnt have to be because she didnt love you, but rather because she just cant choose what she wants in life? i think youre to hard on yourself man. I know this wasn't directed at me - but interestingly reading that helped me a lot (being in the same situation). My ex dumped the wife the last time too. I guess he regretted it eventually. And doesn't seem to know what he wants. And likely doesn't hate me. Link to post Share on other sites
mike588 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 okey so she dumped him. and she dumped you. well isnt that a great sign that it doesnt have to be because she didnt love you, but rather because she just cant choose what she wants in life? i think youre to hard on yourself man. what i meant by asking "Not sure I understand when you asked: do you (me) have any idea why you two (us) broke up?" what do you believe made her choose him instead of you after the way he acted against her? There was a history with him,, 1 1/2 year,, she was IN LOVE with him,some sort of attraction,, I was just her rebound guy,,her emotional bandaid after they broke up 2 weeks before we started dating. I don't know the rest. In that same so sorry email she also stated: This choice I have made is probably NOT the smartest thing I've done and I asked myself if I would continue this relationship (with him) knowing it will FAIL AGAIN,,, call it love or an addiction,I choose to call it love. What the hell??? Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 okey so she dumped him. and she dumped you. well isnt that a great sign that it doesnt have to be because she didnt love you, but rather because she just cant choose what she wants in life? i think youre to hard on yourself man. what i meant by asking "Not sure I understand when you asked: do you (me) have any idea why you two (us) broke up?" what do you believe made her choose him instead of you after the way he acted against her? edit: sorry i missread mike. well if i put it this way. he dumps her 2 times? and after a fight he runs away for a year. and she takes him back. thats kinda insane. sounds like she wants what she cant have. im almost certain it wont last. and yes its not impossible she loved you. she could loose her feelings after a year. Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 lilly: im glad that it made you feel better:) the dumpers are also humans you know, they dont always know whats best for them. mike: yeah she's crazy. like i said it feels like she wants what she cant have. its just some attraction with that. theres one girl thats been chasing me for years just because i dont want her. and theres another girl, we just cant stay away from eachother . we always say, hey lets get a coffee together. and as soon as were going to, she backs off. i talked to her via facebook yesterday, havent talked for a year because of my ex. well first thing she said. we should do something this weekend. why is is like that haha? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita jade Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 If dumpers are human and have feelings. Why dont they answer your questions and act like you are non existant. The person you knew before with morals and hamanity turns into literally the most selfish, uncaring person you have ever known. Why is this? I would not do this I am sure unless I dumped someone I hated. Link to post Share on other sites
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