does it depend how selfish ex is?

[chados]

If dumpers are human and have feelings. Why dont they answer your questions and act like you are non existant. The person you knew before with morals and hamanity turns into literally the most selfish, uncaring person you have ever known. Why is this? I would not do this I am sure unless I dumped someone I hated.

 

 

well there could be a few reasons for that. theyre simply tired of you because they can feel that your not accepting their wishes to break up. you know , pushing them to change their mind, it doesnt mean theyre bad persons. do you think all breakups are honest? not a chance, often they are telling you stuff that will make you happy. lets be friends for example? its hurtful to see your ex crying, and when it never stops they might be angry. but as soon as you leave they will feel sorry for you.

 

 

it could also be their way of dealing with their own emotions. its actually harder to break up then it is to get dumped in some cases. they just want to break up and then move on. they dont want the guilt of hurting you.

 

i know your a nice person that wants to be there for the one youve broke up with. but in the long run it will make the pain even worse for the other person, while it gets easier for you.

 

 

my ex for example has been texting me a lot. and she dumped me. everytime i got a text i started to feel miserable. first she breaks up with me, its like saying i dont want/need you anymore. and then she asks me what im up to. when i told her i dont want her to text me anymore, she cried. i do believe she's hurt and maybe even starting to think she made a mistake.

 

she was very cold before the breakup. but after the breakup she's sweet. if i had control on my emotions before the breakup, she wouldnt have been that cold. i pushed her and that made her feel like a bad person. so she took it out on me. its natural. as soon as i told her i think this is the best for us both, she started to text me and asking about everything in my life

[M2155]

If dumpers are human and have feelings. Why dont they answer your questions and act like you are non existant. The person you knew before with morals and hamanity turns into literally the most selfish, uncaring person you have ever known. Why is this? I would not do this I am sure unless I dumped someone I hated.

I agree with Chados, it's probably his way of coping with this. You are trying to push your way onto him and it's not going to work. You can't expect him to act and respond the way you would or you will be disappointed.

 

He doesn't even really have explore how he feels without you because he hasn't experienced it. You have to accept and go LC if needed and do what you need to do because when he acts, it will be because he has come to whatever terms he comes to on his own. And you don't need to announce this to him, actions speak louder.

And he'll probably be relieved for a long time, especially if he's happy wih the OW. But he can't hide from dealing with his feelings forever. This is how he is coping now.

[mike588]

As far as being selfish after the b/u, does this selfishness also show itself during the relationship,,, being cheap as far as buying your g/f,,b/f gifts,(Birthday ,,Xmas) not offering to help pay or chipping in on dates, other,, yet they have enough money for themselves, new clothes,shoes, and other stuff related to them only.

[M2155]

I don't know Mike. While it can appear that way, if the person doesn't but still gives their heart and time then I can let money slide. Also, right or wrong, I know some women just expect the man to pay, buy gifts and pay bills. Is it the nicest thing, no but I wouldn't neccessarily just assume selfish as time and thoughtfulness can be given for free. Likewise, I have a guy friend who would never let a woman pay for anything, says that's just how he was raised.

[lilyblue]

As far as being selfish after the b/u, does this selfishness also show itself during the relationship,,, being cheap as far as buying your g/f,,b/f gifts,(Birthday ,,Xmas) not offering to help pay or chipping in on dates, other,, yet they have enough money for themselves, new clothes,shoes, and other stuff related to them only.

 

In my case definitely not, he was generous with everything. He was planning on "taking me" on several trips, he always paid (even though I offered). He is very generous with money to everyone though.

[mike588]

I don't know Mike. While it can appear that way, if the person doesn't but still gives their heart and time then I can let money slide. Also, right or wrong, I know some women just expect the man to pay, buy gifts and pay bills. Is it the nicest thing, no but I wouldn't neccessarily just assume selfish as time and thoughtfulness can be given for free. Likewise, I have a guy friend who would never let a woman pay for anything, says that's just how he was raised.

 

Makes sense,,My ex. offered a few times to pay for a movie, drinks other but I was also raised that way to pay for the night out and I didn't mind,, made me feel good!!

 

If I only had all that $$$ back,lol.

[lolita jade]

I agree with Chados, it's probably his way of coping with this. You are trying to push your way onto him and it's not going to work. You can't expect him to act and respond the way you would or you will be disappointed.

 

He doesn't even really have explore how he feels without you because he hasn't experienced it. You have to accept and go LC if needed and do what you need to do because when he acts, it will be because he has come to whatever terms he comes to on his own. And you don't need to announce this to him, actions speak louder.

And he'll probably be relieved for a long time, especially if he's happy wih the OW. But he can't hide from dealing with his feelings forever. This is how he is coping now.

 

I am not sure I fully understand what you are trying to say her M2155.

 

Are you saying. If I give him space he will have chance to come to terms with his feelings? Are you saying he will be happy with OW for a long time because of the relief? Are you saying that when you go NC that is when they feel sorry for you?

[mike588]

Makes sense,,My ex. offered a few times to pay for a movie, drinks other but I was also raised that way to pay for the night out and I didn't mind,, made me feel good!!

 

If I only had all that $$$ back,lol.

 

 

I take that back "if I only had all that $$$ back" Even though my heart was broken you can't take back the happy times and good memories,, those are yours forever as well as hers,,, I hope?

[M2155]

I am not sure I fully understand what you are trying to say her M2155.

 

Are you saying. If I give him space he will have chance to come to terms with his feelings? Are you saying he will be happy with OW for a long time because of the relief? Are you saying that when you go NC that is when they feel sorry for you?

 

Well, I don't know anything for sure. But what I'm saying is there is nothing you can do to make him come around or talk, but you can do things to push him further away.

 

Yes, I think people need space to deal with their feelings. It's like a car salesperson who is pushing you to buy something without leaving you alone to think it over. Me, I like to go home and analyze it without that salesperson there. I think that's part of why rebounding doesn't last, because it's an escape. I have a friend who was recently separated- totally moved out, he was ALONE and came crawling back to his wife and now happy as ever becuase he felt like he lost her (not sure it'll last but he had to experience that feeling). Different case here since your ex isn't alone, but he hasn't even experienced what his life is like without you. We don't know if he'll miss you, but we won't know until he's had a chance to.

 

How I see it, you're not the "happy memory" right now, he is telling you that. The OW is his "happy." As long as you are there representing unhappy, she looks even better. You said he said he wasn't happy in the past year, he needs to deal with that and being with you is logically not the solution right now. When you are gone and things hit a rocky patch with OW, he'll start thinking and comparing. That's when he might wonder if he misses you or not. He will wonder if you were really the reason he was unhappy or was it something in himself. I will eat my keyboard if he doesn't contact you when that time comes. But you can't force it or expect things from him. It's not about him feeling sorry for you, it's about him figuring out what he really needs.

 

Just my opinion;)

[Sugarkane]

If dumpers are human and have feelings. Why dont they answer your questions and act like you are non existant. The person you knew before with morals and hamanity turns into literally the most selfish, uncaring person you have ever known. Why is this? I would not do this I am sure unless I dumped someone I hated.

 

Coz they're complete cowards and want to take the easy way out. God forbid if they think about anyone one else but themselves.

[mike588]

Eat your keyboard,I gotta see that,lol. Hey that was a great post,, (like always)

 

Guess that sorta pertains to my story too.

[lolita jade]

Thanks M2155,

 

I am in NC now and will rebuild my life. I feel like I need to go NC not LC as we were in very LC anyway and because I have feelings for him he would always get stressy and I tread on eggshells. I am not doing that anymore and he has no business telling me how to act or what to say.

 

I have asked many questions and now fully understand my objectives and needed to understand a bit more what was going on in his head. That is women I guess, wanting answers! I now fully understand the reasoning behind NC. This will make it alot easier to keep to and I am beginning to accept we will never get back together and I need to focus on me and my life.

 

This is a roller coaster, one minute you feel you are fully healed, the next at rock bottom again but I do believe understanding a situation makes it a hell of a lot easier to accept. I think I understand as much as I can now.

[chados]

I am not sure I fully understand what you are trying to say her M2155.

 

Are you saying. If I give him space he will have chance to come to terms with his feelings? Are you saying he will be happy with OW for a long time because of the relief? Are you saying that when you go NC that is when they feel sorry for you?

 

 

Are you saying. If I give him space he will have chance to come to terms with his feelings?

 

absolutely, no doubt about it. but will he take you back? only he knows

 

Are you saying he will be happy with OW for a long time because of the relief?

 

if he loves her, he will be happy, you cant take that away from him. but remember that you got something that she dont. a history with that man.

 

Are you saying that when you go NC that is when they feel sorry for you?

 

most likely yes. because even though they might be tired with your begging. you share a history together. and that will not be forgotten. when you stop crying over them and move on, its normal to feel regrets about how they behave against you, even if they didnt do anything wrong.

[lolita jade]

Thanks Chad,

 

Please see my post before your last one

[mike588]

Thanks M2155,

 

I am in NC now and will rebuild my life. I feel like I need to go NC not LC as we were in very LC anyway and because I have feelings for him he would always get stressy and I tread on eggshells. I am not doing that anymore and he has no business telling me how to act or what to say.

 

I have asked many questions and now fully understand my objectives and needed to understand a bit more what was going on in his head. That is women I guess, wanting answers! I now fully understand the reasoning behind NC. This will make it alot easier to keep to and I am beginning to accept we will never get back together and I need to focus on me and my life.

 

This is a roller coaster, one minute you feel you are fully healed, the next at rock bottom again but I do believe understanding a situation makes it a hell of a lot easier to accept. I think I understand as much as I can now.

 

No Contact works wonders, I'd hate to think where I'd be emotionally if my ex. and I kept some kind of contact even though I still have my up and down days,, fourtnately more ups than downs.

 

Take M2155s advise,(and others) and follow it. Take care of yourself now,move on and you never know, he may come back around one day and you will be in a better place,, you can decide, you'll have the power,, you will get thru this!!!

[lolita jade]

Thanks Mike,

 

even though our situations are slightly different. I am sure, 'as oldies', we are going through the same emotions.

 

Its our life and we will have a good one

[chados]

Thanks Chad,

 

Please see my post before your last one

 

 

 

do you want me to give a opinion on something or do you just want me to read?, it looks like youre trying to move on, and to not focus on him. as far as i can tell thats great

[lolita jade]

no chad it was only to read

[chados]

no chad it was only to read

 

al righty then:) well youre doing fine. correct me if im wrong, but you got children together?

[mike588]

Thanks Mike,

 

even though our situations are slightly different. I am sure, 'as oldies', we are going through the same emotions.

 

Its our life and we will have a good one

 

Oh yea it's been on of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with! I hope in the future after I've become indifferent to her she will contact me,, then maybe we can be friends.

 

It would mean alot to me to see her face to face and have her sincerely apoligize to me,,not waiting for or getting my hopes up though.

[chados]

Oh yea it's been on of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with! I hope in the future after I've become indifferent to her she will contact me,, then maybe we can be friends.

 

It would mean alot to me to see her face to face and have her sincerely apoligize to me,,not waiting for or getting my hopes up though.

 

 

 

i see your point. who wouldnt want that? i think it will be easier to handle the situation if we go through it again. and i really hope it wont hurt as much as the first time.

[lolita jade]

Chados, Yes we have 23 yr old daughter, who lives away and 20 yr old son who lives with my ex.

 

Mike and Chados, So yes I will have to see my ex again, that is why it is very important I come to terms with this thing very soon because I want to be able to be friends with him for the kids sake. I cant be friends why I still have feelings though. I need NC to do that. I do fear hating him as that wont be good in my situation.

 

The worst part of this whole thing is not even that he has someone else. It is that I have lost a life long friend. He feels that he is my friend but not contacting me at all doesnt seem very friendly to me. He is being the complete opposite to what he said he would be. He told her he has strong feelings for me and would need to help me as I have no one else. That didnt happen at all and now he says he is over me.

 

I expect it will all work out in the end and obviously he is trying to please her/ she is brainwashing him.

[chados]

Chados, Yes we have 23 yr old daughter, who lives away and 20 yr old son who lives with my ex.

 

Mike and Chados, So yes I will have to see my ex again, that is why it is very important I come to terms with this thing very soon because I want to be able to be friends with him for the kids sake. I cant be friends why I still have feelings though. I need NC to do that. I do fear hating him as that wont be good in my situation.

 

The worst part of this whole thing is not even that he has someone else. It is that I have lost a life long friend. He feels that he is my friend but not contacting me at all doesnt seem very friendly to me. He is being the complete opposite to what he said he would be. He told her he has strong feelings for me and would need to help me as I have no one else. That didnt happen at all and now he says he is over me.

 

I expect it will all work out in the end and obviously he is trying to please her/ she is brainwashing him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

yes your gonna see him again. and it is important that youre moving on. even if she's a rebound, he might not know that. time will tell.. the worst thing isnt that he's with her you say. if theres still feelings involved i dont think its the worst thing. the worst thing is suddenly feel all alone. i believe its sometimes easier to know, okey! he's going out with that girl. instead of .. what is he doing right now? is there a girl there. in other words, "not knowing"

 

he isnt there for you? well what do you expect?, he has just found a girl, and youre breakup is still fresh. dumpers are selfish, its all about them. and the girl will probably find it really disturbing if he's calling you all the time. and dont expect him to tell her that he doesnt want her even if thats the case. this could take time, trust me on this. guys in general do have serious problems to break up with a girl.

 

 

 

you will find someone, go out and have fun, be yourself and learn from this relationship:)

 

 

 

im having a bad day, thinking about my ex. im still not sure if im just alone or if i want her back. i actually told her that i dont want anything right now, i just feel that is wrong talking at this point. she cried. and now im starting to wonder, did i tell her that she's not worth having around by saying this. would she tell me if she's having regrets. this was after she started texting me. and right after the breakup i told her that this is the best for us both, i got a text "are you okey"? i dont believe that was something she expected to hear.

[mike588]

Chados, Yes we have 23 yr old daughter, who lives away and 20 yr old son who lives with my ex.

 

Mike and Chados, So yes I will have to see my ex again, that is why it is very important I come to terms with this thing very soon because I want to be able to be friends with him for the kids sake. I cant be friends why I still have feelings though. I need NC to do that. I do fear hating him as that wont be good in my situation.

 

The worst part of this whole thing is not even that he has someone else. It is that I have lost a life long friend. He feels that he is my friend but not contacting me at all doesnt seem very friendly to me. He is being the complete opposite to what he said he would be. He told her he has strong feelings for me and would need to help me as I have no one else. That didnt happen at all and now he says he is over me.

 

I expect it will all work out in the end and obviously he is trying to please her/ she is brainwashing him.

 

Yes I understand you will have to see him at times due to your son and that's something you can't avoid. Best thing to do is just try to avoid him as much as you can until you get thru this.

 

Maybe when you spend time with your son you can either have him wait outside when you pick him up or when you take him back to his fathers you can drop him off outside without seeing your ex. or having to go inside. Same applies if your ex. drops him off at your place.

 

It sucks to have to do this but eventually you too will become indifferent and it wont bother you to see/talk to him.

[mike588]

I'm not sure this has anything to with being selfish or not but a few days after my ex.dumped me we made arrangments for me to pickup my stuff from her house. I had completely landscaped her front and back yard with uplighting lights,a birdbath other yard "decor" Lots of stuff.

 

I told her I'd be there when she was at work and I didn't want to see her and she agreed...... when I showed up her car was still there so I drove around the block and called her,she said she was running late and she replyed.... is that a problem?........come on in with a "happy" carefree tone of voice.

 

I was stunned,,, hurt by her attitude.... she knew she shattered my heart and hurt me yet she's acting like nothing happened!!!

 

I expected a calm somewhat sad/sorry attitude but that response with that tone of voice,,, well it bothered me like there was no remorse there.

 

Selfish??