I think I have to let her go.

[Vesna]

I have been addressing my problem drinking since August and apart from being drunk a few times since then - as opposed to every second night - my life is changing for the better in many ways.

 

My closest friend is an alcoholic and proud of it. She has increased her consumption immensely as I have decreased mine and she is starting to show resentment. Our relationship is based mostly on lengthy phone chats which are getting very boring of late. She merely wants to talk about times past over and over, and I was over it a long time ago.

 

There have been put downs as well, which is out of character for her. She is taking the mickey out of my new life which includes better quality food and clothing and a view to moving to more suitable digs. I have also cleared my home of unnecessary crap and clutter and she refers to my 'shabby chic' homemaking as "buying into the pretty woman thing". For the record, she is 'handsome' to look at and loud of tongue. I used to like her for that but now I see it as vulgar.

 

I now screen her calls and won't speak with her when she is drunk. Thankfully she still hangs out with the old crowd from 25 years ago and they will never change. I left that crowd when I quit using speed. that was 15 years ago. Now I am quitting smoking and incorporating exercise into my daily routine.

 

This has not been easy for me and her resentment, if that is what it is, is no longer tolerated. She has schizophrenia and the last time she was locked up was when she was raging drunk.

 

I used to like her a lot but now that I am recovering I am seeing the ugly side of her. I am too damn nice to tell her that our association is getting very unhealthy and I want out. She is the last toxic relationships I have had to endure and I really want to move on and make new friends.

 

Any opinions will be gratefully appreciated.

[betterdeal]

First, good for you for taking the leap from your old life into uncharted waters. Feels good no?

 

About your friend. I wonder why you maintain this friendship. You know it's a pain in the arse for you, but there's something positive about it otherwise you'd have left it behind with the others. Or maybe you're just not ready to cut her off and deal with what you perceive to be the likely fall out of doing that?

 

Positives could include the sense of belonging, enjoying the contact and being part of something. Without that, one might feel lonely, adrift, as if no-one cares or knows you. Even ignoring a phone call is a way to interact with someone.

 

If that rings a bell for you, great. We've identified the plus side to this relationship. Time to start developing that with other people who are living life more like you want to. Having a connection on a very human level is important. You mentioned adding exercise to your routine. Group exercise with the right people can be a good way to kill two birds with one stone. Be that netball, basketball, martial arts, yoga, being part of a group that's main focus is physical development is a great way to make new connections.

 

If you're afraid of the fallout from taking a firm line, that's great too. It means we've identified an aspect of your personality that can be improved so as to make your life more enjoyable. Look into assertiveness training and personal boundaries. Being able to express your needs and stand up for yourself is a surprisingly effective way to bring about change in the way other people treat you. Knowing where your boundaries lie sets out the ground for you to defend and enjoy.

 

For example, saying, "don't call me when you're drunk, I find it annoying" may get a bag load of verbal abuse initially, but it will almost certainly change her behaviour in the future. If she's aggressive, she might call more, in which case you need to consider your options. Changing your number is one of those. If she calls less, great. It's working.

 

Another example: when she's bagging the sh*t out of you, your cleanliness, your courage to change, saying something "this isn't very friendly" may be just enough to wake her up to what effect she's having on you.

 

So, in short, take a two-pronged approach: get to know other people who can fill your desire for social interaction so that you are less dependent on her calls, and speak up for yourself. There are some good books out there on boundaries and assertiveness - have a read of those books I recommended in my signature.

 

Take care and keep on keeping on!

[Vesna]

I appreciate your responses and advice. As for the reason for why I had not ended this friendship a long time ago, I am too timid. It was booze that gave me the guts to speak my mind with this woman, who has a huge chip on her shoulder. She has admitted to me that she lives in constant resentment, regret and all the things that might have been. She is proud of the fact that she drinks herself into such a stupor that she doesn't remember how she gets into bed at night. On top of it she has had alcoholic seizures in the past and it hasn't stopped her. Truth be known, she has no good reason to sober up.

 

The passive-aggressive route seems to be the only way that I can get her out of my hair. I like the idea of participating in group-based activities and I will continue to screen her calls, since it seems this is the only way to get the message across.

 

I feel like a liar and a coward because of it and it feels like I have got myself in too deep with her. We know so much about each other and our insecurities and she has an irritating habit of asking banal questions such as "What's a search engine?" God give me strength.

 

It is like being in a damaging relationship and there is no way of escaping. To be honest, alcohol will be her downfall, she said so herself. She has no life, apart from doing part time aged care work and drinking.

 

I have read books on boundaries and my therapist says it is definitely something to work on.

[betterdeal]

What matters is what we tell ourselves. You've named drinking and your drunk friend as problems in your life. That in itself creates a boundary. As time goes by and you get more self confidence, as you find other groups to participate in, as you become more healthy, what she says and thinks will become less relevant to you. That in turn will make ignoring her when she's being a pain easier and, eventually, she'll either have to be a credit to you or you guys will drift apart. She will have a choice to make in other words.

 

Taking practical steps to protect your peace and the sanctity of your home is going to help you keep progressing. Switch phones off at night when you go to bed; don't let her into your home when she's drunk and kick her out if she pisses you off. Your nest is not to be shat in by anyone.

[KathyM]

Choose your friends wisely. Sounds like she doesn't want you to improve yourself, since that will put pressure on her to improve herself. She will continue to drag you down and will continue to try to sabotage your sobriety. You'd be wise to limit your contact with her to situations where there will not be drinking involved. My father was an alcoholic for most of his adult life. Some of his friends were alcoholics also. Whenever he got together with them, they'd both be getting plastered. You don't need any bad influences in your life, you need people who want was is best for you. If you feel you must keep this person in your life to some extent, limit it to situations where there will not be drinking.

[Vesna]

Vesna shall:

 

1. Screen her calls constantly.

 

2. Avoid her housewarming party at which I will be the only guest.

 

3. Take a left turn if I see her in the street. (Our city is small)

 

4. Stop telling her about how much better my life is getting.

 

5. If in conversation, deflect as many intrusive questions about OUR past.

[Vesna]

6. Go back to computer studies. She has never switched on a computer, therefore she hates them and will never see me at school.

 

7. Go to church now and then.

 

8. Wear more frocks. She detests femininity and feminine women.

 

9. Ignore all doubts she expresses about my future plans of success.

 

10. Start dating again, which has been happening a bit lately.

 

I know this will piss her off but I feel it is the only way to get the message across. I have been dissed in a similar way in the past, it hurt my heart like crazy and my then friend had good reason to do it. I got over it and I am sure my 'friend' will as well. She has the company of the drunks from our collective past to commiserate with and no doubt I will be bitch of the month, until they find someone else to disparage. (No such luck there.)

 

Sometimes a person has to bring out some healthy narcissism in themselves in order to move onward.