She did it AGAIN!! And here we go AGAIN! Merry-go-round. see this text..

[Mack05]

A bit lost I don't believe your ex has BPD. In fact I would be far more worried about your issues instead of hers. You are as both unhealthy as each other and if you want to avoid future relationships with girls lilke your ex, then you need to find a way of resolving what is wrong with you. I once thought my ex did have BPD, but it effects so few of the general population it is very unlikely. She like MANY people have some sympthoms, but full blown BPD is very unlikely. I PM'd you a few articles on BPD. I'm sure you will see somethings that ring a bell. Once you read the articles and get an understanding, you need to stop focusing on her for good. If not I truly worry about your future. I think the below will help you get that understanding. As I said, once you achieve understanding, please start to turn this inwards and resolve what is wrong with you..Got the below on the web. Found it interesting and helped me understand a small few things better. Now that I have an understanding I will not allow myself think of my ex. This is extremely hard, but it can be done. Like your ex (and you) me and my ex will never co exist on the same wavelength. Never make it as a couple, no matter how desperate I was to succeed with her. Just cause she is an amazing girl, does not mean we are amazing together...Article below..

 

"Some negative features I have encountered that strike at the heart of what makes us able to have good interpersonal relationships are:

 

Low emotional intelligence

 

There’s more than one way to be smart. In addition to the kind of intelligence you can measure on an IQ test, there’s emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is about monitoring emotions—both your own and those of the people around you—and then using this knowledge to guide your thinking and actions. Many people think girls like your ex don’t have empathy. They do—it’s just that their own emotions are so intense they can be oblivious to the emotions of those around them. They’re like a drowning person who grabs on to a would-be rescuer and pulls them both down.

 

Impulsive aggression

 

Impulsive aggression is what happens when the other shoe drops, when the eggshells break, and the emotional roller coaster takes a 180-degree turn. It can be triggered by immediate threats of rejection or abandonment paired with frustration. The aggression can be turned inward (self-injury, suicide) or turned outward (raging, verbal abuse, lashing out).Impulsive aggression is associated with a biological “tug-of-war” between the logical and emotional aspects of the brain, in which the logical side loses. These aggressive tendencies can be inherited. Think of impulsive aggression as a “border-lion,” a ferocious beast that is uncaged when emotions are so strong and overwhelming they can no longer be contained. Whether the border-lion is turned inward or outward, it is one of the top barriers keeping girls like your ex and those who love them from developing the close, trusting relationship each partner yearns for.

 

Rejection sensitivity

 

In addition to fearing abandonment, people like your ex are overly sensitive to rejection. They anxiously await it, see it when it isn’t there, and overreact to it whether it’s there or not. This is why small slights—or perceived small slights—can cause major messes. (over reactions).

 

Child-Like Characteristics

 

People with like your ex may seem as mature as any other adult in social or professional situations. But when it comes to coping with strong emotions, they can be stuck at a child’s developmental level.Their sadness may be similar to the way a child feels at being left out by the other kids. When angry, it could be the anger of a teen, outraged at a parent’s refusal to let them attend a party. (As in, “You’re ruining my life!”)

 

Five Familiar “Fights” (Relationship Behavioral Patterns)

 

Having a loved one with issues like your ex means having that “it’s déjà vu all over again” feeling much of the time. You may feel get stuck in these five familiar behavioral patterns, or “fights,” with no clue about what’s happening, how you got there, or how to get out.

 

 

1. The “It’s Your Fault” Fight

 

For people like your ex to admit to themselves or others that anything about them is less than perfect would be admitting that they are defective. Very true...

 

2. The “Heads I Win, Tails You Lose” Fight

 

You know you’re in a no-win scenario when you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. People like your ex are consistently inconsistent.

 

3. The “Projection” Fight

 

“There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s something wrong with you! People often try to avoid feeling bad about their own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them (often in an accusing way) to someone else. This is a common defense mechanism called projection. People like your ex take it to the extreme. They will even accuse you of projecting..

 

4. The “I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me” Fight

 

When people get too close, people like your ex feel engulfed. In turn, they distance themselves to avoid feeling controlled. But then they feel neglected, even abandoned. So they try to get closer again, and the cycle repeats.

 

5. The “Testing” Fight

 

“Why would a healthy, normal person take the abuse? There must be something wrong with them.”

 

If you keep focusing on her, you are neglecting you. I made this mistake and made thee EXACT same mistakes the past two relationships and both girls dislike me enormously now...Learn from my mistakes. Hope and Pray your ex finds happiness and love, but understand you will never be the person that supplies it for her..When you reach acceptance of this, you can get yourself emotionally healthy and find a girl who is a better match for you...

Edited March 18, 2012 by Mack05

[a_bit_lost]

Unbelievable I was speaking to a guy I kinda half know in a bar last night l, and the conversation moved on to this, he said he's been talking to her as he saw her on plenty of fish website!! I was sooo angry I don't know why but I explained my pain over the last year. I saw her out and about in a club last night. Luckily I wasn't too drunk and didn't speak to her.

 

She was flirting around in the club etc I could see her, but she made no effort to speak to me, although i could see her looking at me here and there, she was all glammed up with her elite model parade group attire on. I was speaking at length to a male friend of hers last night who didn't really shed any light on things, it was him that stated at the hotel with her that time!! He denies any physical activity with her but it felt weird talking to him.

 

Soooo cross and I don't know why!!

 

Mack - I'm sorry but I really think she has bpd, perhaps I have issues too I think I do.

 

Urghh can't believe I saw her again!!

[AlexDP]

A bit lost I don't believe your ex has BPD. In fact I would be far more worried about your issues instead of hers. You are as both unhealthy as each other and if you want to avoid future relationships with girls lilke your ex, then you need to find a way of resolving what is wrong with you. I once thought my ex did have BPD, but it effects so few of the general population it is very unlikely.

 

One shouldn't automatically assume every girl has BPD but we're not talking about a small percentage at all. As far as disorders go, it's one of the more common and it affects a lot of young girls. Besides, people with BPD date around more so it's likely you'll date at least one in your lifetime especially if you pick up girls at the club.

 

Besides, the symptoms of BPD are a bit vague anyway and a lot of people, at some point in their lives, exhibit manipulative and drama seeking behaviour. Labelling it as BPD is irrelevant. The way this relationship is evolving does look like a typical borderline relationship to me, but ultimately it doesn't matter. You don't have to look at personality disorders, just look at behaviour. This is by no means a decent girl and the OP should stay away from her. The fact that he doesn't means he's got issues too.

 

Bottomline: BPD or not doesn't matter. It's toxic behaviour.

[a_bit_lost]

alex - yes perhaps i too have issues, i mean i'm totally shaking after seeing her last night, it doesnt help that the guy i was talking to at length received a load of calls from her whilst i was with her, i think she knew i was outside and to one side talking to him.

 

im totally shaking and panicking right now guys, i dont even know why, i just saw her all glammed up - thats all.... whats wrong with me

[leoc1973]

hey man I know that you are in a lot of pain but I think that you are reading way way too into this. I think you just love banging a totally gorgeous chick and she liked being spoiled. You are thinking in your head that you will never get a woman this hot she is perfect in your eyes. You are obsessing over her and this can happen to anyone. You don't have to have all kinds of psychological problems in order to obsess. And she doesn't have to have psychological problems to like to be spoiled.

 

I know a girl who is doing this right now to some guy we both know. He got a 2 million dollar settlement from an accident. She was never interested in him one bit till he got his money and now she is sucking him dry. When she has nothing else to do. She calls him up tells him she has missed him and he takes her to the casino and blows 5 grand on her. She is probably the most stunning woman I have ever known. He is just average. She sleeps with him and gets her hooks in him again.

 

You need to meet someone new. Start having regular sex with someone else and you will see how fast all these shrinks are full of it. You are addicted to her yes I know but pick another drug cause this one has run her course.

[a_bit_lost]

I am literately pulling my hair out and I AM SO ANGRY

[Downtown]

Mack - I'm sorry but I really think she has bpd, perhaps I have issues too I think I do.

BitLost, I agree with you that you are describing classic traits of BPD. Significantly, all of us occasionally exhibit all nine of those traits, albeit at a low level if we are emotionally healthy. They become a problem only when they are so strong as to distort a person's perception of other peoples' intentions, thereby undermining her ability to handle close LTRs.

 

As to yourself, you likely are an excessive caregiver -- as I am -- or you would never have been willing to tolerate the abuse for so long. If so, your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the man you already are).

 

On the Internet, this tendency is often described as "codependency" -- a term I hesitate to use because there is no consistent definition of it, given that it is excluded from the Diagnostic Manual. Indeed, CoDA (the international organization representing tens of thousands of codependents) doesn't even define it because its membership cannot agree on a definition.

[bPD] effects so few of the general population it is very unlikely. ...MANY people have some sympthoms, but full blown BPD is very unlikely.

Mack, you know a lot about BPD but you are mistaken about its prevalence in the general population. I agree with Alex's statement that "We're not talking about a small percentage at all." In 2008, a large-scale study (i.e., face-to-face interviews of nearly 35,000 American adults) found that the prevalence is about 6%. Significantly, this is the ONLY large scale study of BPD's prevalence that has ever been done and it has sterling credentials because it was funded by the National Institute of Mental Health.

 

Of course, that 6% figure only includes those having full-blown BPD. Yet, as you know, strong BPD traits can make your life miserable and undermine a marriage even when they fall well short of that diagnostic threshold. A BPDer satisfying 70% of the diagnostic criteria can be almost as difficult to live with as a BPDer satisfying 100%. Hence, when you include these folks having strong BPD traits (but below the threshold), the 6% figure may easily rise to 8% or 9% of the population. If so, having "strong BPD traits" is at least as common as being left handed (1 in 12).

 

This is not to say, however, that 6% of the population would actually be given a BPD diagnosis in a clinical setting where the client is being treated. The vast majority of folks having full-blown BPD are high functioning, which means they interact well with strangers and business associates but go home at night to abuse the people who love them. For these HF BPDers, therapists are loath to tell them the name of their disorder.

 

One reason is that therapists know that a HF BPDer almost certainly will terminate therapy on receiving a diagnosis of such a dreaded disorder. A second reason is therapists know that, in the unlikely event the BPDer does not quit therapy, telling her the name of the disorder can make her behavior WORSE instead of better. This happens because, when a BPDer is given a new identity as "the BPDer," she may start exhibiting 8 or 9 BPD traits instead of only 5 or 6.

 

A third reason is that therapists know that nearly all insurance companies refuse to cover BPD. This is why HF BPDers are typically "diagnosed" with the name of one of the BPD side effects, e.g., anxiety, depression, PTSD, or adult ADHD.

[a_bit_lost]

guys i agree, and i agree with that, that i have the codependency here.

 

i have literately been hog wild this morning ripping out my hair, I KNOW I KNOW to move on, but its not even that - it was me seeing her and finding out stuff, i can even see her on the dating website plenty of fish, do you have any idea how much that stings...

 

ive just gone beyond everything, i feel like a stalker, im obsessed, maybe its not even her anymore - i looked at her pictures on the site and she doesnt even look 'all that', i having a serious breakdown - im even questioning whether i didnt do enough in that relationship now, what did i do wrong etc, should i have been more tolerant etc (when deep down I know i did everything a gentleman can and as everyone says i was played for a fool) but im still questioning it all, i'm HUGELY jealous.

 

im going out of my f***ing mind - cried this morning to my mum and just freaked out.

[a_bit_lost]

seriously im beyond repair on this now, im SO low about this, i cannot describe in words how much this has affected me and how it feels like my life is crumbling around me - shes on a dating website wtf... its huge jealously on part here

[lalalandman]

wow been a while since I've been to LS. Dude, she's on a dating website....enough said. That place is mostly for rebounders, cheaters, and weirdos. Not to mention a breeding ground for STDers. Don't stress yourself out over this.

 

Just be happy with your life and stop worrying about her. Embrace your newly acquired freedom. Don't take your eye off the ball. GO live. Life will bring many obstacles but will also reward you. This is your opportunity to become stronger so don't let yourself down.

[Mack05]

A bit lost I am going to lay this out in layman's terms for you. Right now you are rock bottom and even contemplating suicide. Forget suicide. No girl is worth that, its a tragic, enormous waste of life and it's a cowards way out. I see a lot of me in you. The difference I am 70% up the mountain. My rock bottom was this EXACT time last year so I know what you are going through. Like Downtown said you are a caregiver (like me). You are VERY insecure and your self esteem is shot.

 

It's amazing how caregivers fall for emotionally messed up women who are in total and utter denial to the real extent of their issues. The caregiver falls for the outer beauty, the adulation (at the begining) and 'this is too good to be true' (because it is). She falls for the caring, loving compassionate man who she believes won't mess her around like previous ex's. These types of relationships nearly always develop into toxic relationships (I have had two in a row and simply didn't learn lessons and fooled myself into thinking I was 100%, when in reality I was a long way off).

 

My confidence and self belief grows by the day. I am in the best shape I've been in 12 years. My new found belief is allowing me to see my last relationship for what it really was. She was/is beyond beautiful. I mean I can't believe I have ever even kissed her. I looked at her facebook pic recently and said to myself I can't believe I have ever even kissed you! So so so beautiful. I saw her get ready one night and would just stand there with my eyes wide open and jaw hanging out. She is also a good hearted thoughtful person, who has had a torrid run of tough luck. A victim of some personal horrible circumstances. That is why I no longer feel anger or resentment towards her and never will. I just hope somehow, someway she gets her eyes opened..That she leaves go of all the negativity, anger and resentment and replaces them with positivity and an openess and willingness to love and to trust. That is where real happiness will come from.

 

At the start of the relationship we saw a lot of things eye to eye. The foundation should have been there to build something special, but there is soo much more going on under the surface. With me, some of her early behaviours concerned me. Weird over reactions, hyper sensitivity, bitchyness, her hearing things that were never said, falsely assuming/mis interupting, taking things up the wrong way. Me right now would tell her straight up "I am not willing to tolerate this bull***** behaviour. This bull***** stops or I am off. PERIOD". Eventually she would have left (or me) and that would have been that. Why would she have left? Because she wouldn't be able to comprehend or understand what exactly I was referring to. Her eyes are closed and have been for a very long time now. Her idea of how a relationship should proceed, would have been VERY different to mine.

 

Instead of communicating effectively why I was pushing her away, I would just say we are not compatible with no proper explantion. Just write a three page email whose point always got lost, or taken up completely the wrong way. Like you ABL, I had no self esteem, so when she was on the verge of leaving I would convince myself that I won't get better then her and would then come crawling back promising her the world and everything in it. The same cycle repeated for 7 months, until she rightly stopped it. My ex hates me and I really don't blame her. I don't want or need her forgiveness.

 

I just know I have to learn the lessons this time round. If I had real self esteem and no insecurities, I'd have left her after 2 months and would have stuck to that decision. No doubt in my mind. What she was offering me, was not want I wanted or expected from a partner. She was never going to work and compromise with me (and deep down I knew this), therefore I should have left early doors. Yeah she'd still hate me, but at least she would still respect me.

 

My ex will find happpiness. Not because her eyes will get opened. They haven't till now and even though I have said all this to her, she just blames and projects onto me. She is negative, full of unresolved anger and has a bitchy streak that is so unappealing. She would also accuse me of manipulating, but she was the manipulator in the relationship. She was so clever. She would use my lack of self esteem and insecurities against me, making me believe I was 100% at fault for everything. That I was a liar and manipulator. Distance and prespective has made me realise she was just a very clever game player. Deflecting everything onto me to avoid truly focusing on what was wrong with her. She has always done it. Always played the victim. At this stage she will probably never change.

 

Yes insecurities and low esteem badly effect relationships, but even if I was mr supreme confidence the R never stood a chance. If someone is blind and doesn't want their eyes opened you have to leave. Otherwise the destruction is irreversible. I don't have a bad bone in my body, but I accept low self esteem and insecurities lead to undesirable behaviours and traits. I could always admit my faults and accept responsibility. My ex never could and probably never will. For people like my ex to admit to themselves or others that anything about them is less than perfect would be admitting that they are defective. Not going to happen, unless I am underestimating her abilities to truly grow as a person. I truly hope I am..I genuinely hope she reads this and one day this post resonates with her.

 

As I said above my ex will find happiness (as will yours), because she will find a guy whose whole world will revolve around her and will have the personality attributes to keep her happy. The definition of happiness is different for everyone and what happiness is for her is not what it is for me. As long as she is happy in her own world, that's all I want for her. Now I am more secure in myself and I know what I want out of a relationship, I never want to be that guy for her (the way she is now). The sacrifice would be too much. I am looking for a far more balanced relationship with a genuinely sweet kind hearted girl (my dad has that, brother in law and nearly all my friends. I want it too). Not someone hiding behind that guise. Therefore it doesn't matter how beautiful my ex is, how many hours a week she volunteers, she can keep her application I don't want it..Don't want a future friendship or future contact. Just want her to be happy..

 

Before I am embrassassed to say I used the amount of guys a girl slept with against her. I was a judgemental pr! ck who focused a little to much on looks and past behaviour. NEVER again. If a girl has a heart of gold and geniunely loves me (and me her) that is all I want. ABL You need to get your mojo back. You need to understand what are the important attributes a woman should have.

 

For the first time in donkeys I am attractive to the opposite sex. I talk to girls naturally. They find me funny, charming and witty and compliment me. Everything my ex didn't. I chat without worrying about what they are thinking about me. I don't worry if I am carrying extra pounds, drinking one beer too many, more wrinkles on my forehead then I should have. I just drink and have the craic on nights out with no fear or obligation to anyone but myself. I enjoy life. All this while still nursing a severely broken heart. It's amazing what self belief and confidence can do. I have no interest in even dating. I am going to be 100% up that mountain before even considering that. But I do know the light is ahead and I will be coming out of my long dark tunnel in time.

 

I hope the message is not lost in the length of my post. I wouldn't be the first time..When you start getting your self esteem back you will start to understand your ex is NEVER going to come back saying "I was wrong, lets try do things again your way. I finally see what you have been saying..". It will help you gain an understanding and acceptance that you are simply not a match for one another. You will begin to understand that a girl needs more then beauty and be a decent person to make a great life long partner. Fix your self esteem. Fix your insecurities, learn to communicate, focus on YOU and then find a woman more suited to ABL. Find a woman that gives you real happiness. Not a woman who you have to endlessly convince yourself to be with. She deserves better and more importantly so do you..

 

Buy the book how to break an addiction to a person (great book)...

Edited March 18, 2012 by Mack05

[gibson]

Desperate times call for desperate measures!

 

I suggest everytime you think of this women, calling, responding or having anything to do with her... Drop your pants and insert your penis into the nearest electrical socket.

 

I bet it will hurt like mother$&@^er but will not even come close to the pain you will feel compared to what this women will surely do to you. Maybe the short term pain will be a helpful reminder and give you the courage and strength to get away from this toxic women / relationship.

[NeverAgainDC]

guys i agree, and i agree with that, that i have the codependency here.

 

i have literately been hog wild this morning ripping out my hair, I KNOW I KNOW to move on, but its not even that - it was me seeing her and finding out stuff, i can even see her on the dating website plenty of fish, do you have any idea how much that stings...

 

ive just gone beyond everything, i feel like a stalker, im obsessed, maybe its not even her anymore - i looked at her pictures on the site and she doesnt even look 'all that', i having a serious breakdown - im even questioning whether i didnt do enough in that relationship now, what did i do wrong etc, should i have been more tolerant etc (when deep down I know i did everything a gentleman can and as everyone says i was played for a fool) but im still questioning it all, i'm HUGELY jealous.

 

im going out of my f***ing mind - cried this morning to my mum and just freaked out.

 

Come on man, this woman is kicking your azz. Tighten up!

[Moonless sky]

abitlost, I can feel your sorrow. I feel the same right now...contemplating suicide, crying my eyes out. Why can't they have a heart!!!!!! I had a break up like this years ago (not what I'm going through now) and he was on a dating site and it tore me apart. I went crazy. In the end those people on that site were nothing, just ****. He eventually realized what he was missing out on. He wanted me back once again the 80th time, and to this day I still have to say no to him. It doesn't hurt me though because I did find a better guy who I'm in love with but this guy just broke up with me a few days ago and I feel flippin terrible!!!! He didn't even tell me why!!!! He just left!! He told me "I've moved on, and I'm never coming back"....are you serious after everything and he fought for me for so long and he finally was with me and now he drops me!!! WTH!!!!! I love him :'(....the pain is unbearable and I'm here to talk to you since I feel it too.

[gibson]

You need to grab your balls and be a man about this. If you let somebody walk all over you now, this is going to happen for the rest of your life.

 

Dude, the girl is 23 and wanted out of her 5 year relationship and did so by cheating and rebounding with you. She didn't mean anything she told you and doesn't with anybody else. She has no clue who she is, what she wants, what love is, etc. Like most kids her age.

 

She is just living it up, partying, drinking, clubbing, shaking her ass, seeking male attention and wanting to sleep around like a lot of women / men her age do.

 

From what I read, you were only with her for 6 months. I doubt the guy that she was with for 5 years, that she cheated on to be with you is having the problems that you are.

 

Seriously, stop worrying about her and what she is doing and thinking she needs professional help. Most kids I meet and talk to that are her age and into "the scene" seem like they have BPD. In that age group it's normal. She is just being "young and dumb", G.I.G.S., etc.

 

If you ask me, I believe you are the one that could benefit from seeing someone and since you said you are co-dependent and addicted to her, I suggest you look into it.

 

You sound like an amazing guy! Late twenties, extremely successful in your professional career, loaded, good looking, come from a loving home, nice car, clothes, DJ in clubs around town and it's obvious that you are a really caring and loving guy that values and respects women, etc.

 

Is this seriously the best you can do with all you have going for you?

 

Hell, I don't posses anything that you have aside from being a nice guy. I'm average looks wise, a greeter at Walmart and get shopping carts in the parking lot, ride a bicycle and I can still pick up a girl hotter than your Ex. Not to mention find one that has outgrown the party scene.

 

Lessons to take away from this experience so you can avoid this "pain" in the future:

 

1. Don't "steal" women from other men. (The way you get them, is the way you lose them. - Homebrew)

 

2. Don't get involved with someone coming out of a LTR that hasn't taken off time to heal.

 

3. Don't fall in love and pursue relationships with people who are into partying.

 

4. You are late twenties so go for women 25 or older. Generally they are through with the partying, bad boys and are looking for something long term and possibly even marriage.

 

5. Don't fall in love or enter into relationships with someone who does not know who they are, what they want, etc.

 

6. Don't make someone a priority when they only see you as an option.

 

7. Etc.

 

Now grab your balls and be a man about this, go talk to professional about this and of course, keep posting here.

Edited March 18, 2012 by gibson

[a_bit_lost]

thank you kindly for all your words and messages, i am literary hanging off the replies and reading every word passed to me here

[Mack05]

thank you kindly for all your words and messages, i am literary hanging off the replies and reading every word passed to me here

 

This day last year March 19th, I completely broke down in front of my mother. 5 years of bad choices, low self esteem and insecurities left me in a horrible mess. An ex leaving me in a brutally cruel way was the catalyst. A year on and I have made so much progress. I moved country to start a new life. Loads of sun, sea and sand. Amazing outdoor life, Lost loads of weight. Turned things inwards and dealt with most of my demons. I still haven't completed my journey back to the old me (or the even better new me) but recently I have genuinely started to see the real progress I have made.

 

This is a GREAT website. It helped me cope when I was so down, but a year after my rock bottom is now time to live my life in a positive frame of mind. You will get there ABL. Just try absorb the advice given to you. When you do, things will start to make a lot more sense. Here are some of the things I have learnt, that you need to learn..

 

1) Do not ignore your inner voice. If something feels wrong then it is wrong..

 

2) Insecurities and low self esteem lead to very negative behaviours. In my case...Self denial (fooling myself), Enabling, judging, obsessing, poor communication, poor emotional reactions/responses etc etc. Every woman deserves a man who DOESNT suffer from these personality traits. You are in a way dragging her into your inner war, without comprending the real damage you are doing. That is not fair. If you don't resolve these flaws, nothing will change in your life.

 

3) Have clear boundaries from what you want in a relationship. If a partner is not willing to compromise or stay within those personal boundaries you have set, then you leave (no matter how beautiful she is). Be decisive and firm! Don't second guess yourself..

 

4) Accept responsibility for YOUR behaviour. My last two ex's were quite cold and cruel when leaving, but when I analyzed my behaviour I can see why they acted, they way they did. Therefore I hold no negative feelings towards them.

 

5) In future observe the warning signs. If you notice an ex always playing the victim, idiolizing you, never taking accountability in an argument these are patterns to be concerned about. Have an image in your head, of what you want from a future partner. I bet when you analyze an ex's past behaviour, more often then not they will fall outside that criteria -> "If they lacked the capacity to be accountable before the breakup, it's not likely they'll suddenly develop it afterwards. I'm sure it happens, but it requires a lot of willingness to grow on the dumper's behalf-- and like I said, if they didn't arrive with that capacity at the beginning of the relationship, it takes a pretty dynamic, special person to develop it on the way out... which, sadly, isn't a trait that abounds with most people in general"

 

6) Read these books...('The enabler', 'co dependency no more' -> to help with codependency)..'Getting past your breakup', 'how to break your addiction to a person' -> to help dealing with a broken heart/addictive behaviour. 'Go suck a lemon' to help you reprogram your emotional responses. 'Love is not enough', 'why cant you read my mind' -> to help you with relationship communication.

 

7) Stick with therapy...Find a good therapist for you and stay as long as he/she suggests.

 

8) Focus on these key area's of your life. Emotional, physical, financial, spiritual.

 

9) Try be less selfish. Be a better friend, family member. Maybe volunteer.

 

10) Find the courage within you, to identify what the real problems are and then put the building blocks in place to resolve these problems permanently. This is how we grow as people..

 

I wish you well on your journey back. When you complete it I promise you will never feel better or stronger within yourself. You will also find the right girl for you..This girl wants you to be the guy whose world revolves around her. Trust me, girls like your ex will drain you. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through her predatory "event horizon." But before that happens, other signs will reveal her true color.

 

You can never make her happy long term, no matter how good a boyfriend you are. Until she resolves what is wrong with her, then she won't change. She is not your problem and more often then not, you will not understand the overall complexity of her issues (you have never walked a mile in her shoes). Therefore as much as you want to help...You can't...Your attempts to help will just push her further away. Codepedent people find it hard to accept this. However, great relationships are not formed by feeling a need to 'help' someone. You are not her father.

 

When you feel better you understand great relationships are two EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY unselfish people, giving 50/50 forming a real genuine bond. What you had, was the complete opposite. Time and hard work will open your eyes. A time will come, when you are ready to forgive and move on. Best of luck mate...

Edited March 19, 2012 by Mack05

[wilsonx]

So this may be the little (OK BIG) devil in me but I called this 3 weeks ago.

 

At this point, this is all your fault.

 

I understand what she's doing. It's the mental bounce in a burnout/gigs.

 

At any time, you have the power to walk away and say no more. This is not going to end well for you if you continue.

 

At this point, you are aware and you can not blame her anymore. FYI when she comes out of this, she's going to be Stuck on her ex no matter what she says now. If you continue she will burn you into the ground to push you away.

 

Best advice for you, go NC and move forward without her

 

But go ahead, keep looking for the clown.

 

A man found himself in the middle of a long hallway. In the middle of this long hallway was a solitary door. He walked up to the door and knocked on it. It was answered by a clown who proceeded to beat the life out of him.

 

The next day, the gentleman was in the hallway once more, and once more found his way to the door and knocked on it. Again, it was answered by the same clown and again, the clown beat him senseless.

 

This occurred for 4 more days - the man would be in the hallway, go to the door, knock on it, and the clown would answer the door only to beat him senseless once more.

 

On the 7th day, the man was once again in the hallway. He walked up to the door and knocked on it - but no one answered. So, he went looking for the clown.

[a_bit_lost]

mack - thanks for the lengthy replies youve written for me, you people are kind souls helping another soul here.

 

I've got so much to say in all honestly, I am just utterly feeling rubbish that she was parading around the city bar to bar on Saturday night back with her model collective group collecting money, it's a total excuse to go to every bar and get attention in wearing little to nothing - am sure you guys know the types whatever country you're in, the 'promo' girl image - and she's back in with all that crowd again doing what seems to be every event going. IT simply sickens me to think she's going around doing all this, and you see it was in the club much later on when I saw her this weekend gone. AND it was her that profusely told me when she came begging back time and time again that she didn't want to do any more of that and have a happy life with me. Yeh... You guys know the story, I don't need to reiterate it, the cow will be back i'm sure for me to repair her once again when she gets stung again in the wilderness but hopefully I will be healed by that time. Its obvious she threw a rope out for a nibble with the text she sent me on friday about the passport rubbish 'just to let me know' oh what a kind soul hey...

 

I'm angry. My panic and everything I had yesterday has turned to anger and jealously. I angry she is on a dating site getting god know hows much attention... Unbelievable. Her pictures look horrible on there anyway.

 

Mack/Gibson - you're posts hit a note with me there and you're right on every level.

 

You can never make her happy long term, no matter how good a boyfriend you are. Until she resolves what is wrong with her, then she won't change.

- I did everything I thought was right, treated this girl the best I have ever done with a woman (im not perfect, but yes)

 

This girl wants you to be the guy whose world revolves around her. Trust me, girls like your ex will drain you.

- I tried, but she's left me a shell of man. She would call me 100 times a day, text me 100 times a day, every time around when the relationship was resurrected it would start all over again, 100 calls/100 texts.. Missing you's 100 times... This time round after xmas/new year I really thought WTF, this is like another honeymoon period? I was really like HUH?! This is the third time. This third time I was HIT with I LOVE YOU a million times a day as well, which was a new one in the mixer.

 

Therefore as much as you want to help...You can't...Your attempts to help will just push her further away. Codepedent people find it hard to accept this

- You've hit me on that one mate, I desperately want/wanted to rescue her, take her under my wing and look after her, she wanted looking after SHE SAID IT - I did it WTF. DID SHE WANT TO CHANGE - Or was it all an act and illusion. I guess it was an act.

 

Do not ignore your inner voice. If something feels wrong then it is wrong..

- Red flags from the off! Why didn't I listen, she was screwing me whilst still stringing the ex on. She did topless club dancing a few times at 18 (7 years ago!), her dad came to the club once she told me whilst she was there, 1. MY DAD would NEVER go to a club like that, 2. WHATTTTT THE?!?!?!?!?

- WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN! I'LL tell you, because she told me she wanted to do it RIGHT with me, do the 'real thing' with me. She didn't want to make the same mistakes as the 5 year ex and she even felt guilty of what she put him through, which she 'now understood' and didn't want to do it to me. WHAT... YES YOU DID. All of it, idolised me, pedestalled me, told me she wasn't good enough for me, praised me profusely.

 

From what I read, you were only with her for 6 months. I doubt the guy that she was with for 5 years, that she cheated on to be with you is having the problems that you are.

- 6 months on, 2 months off (where she continually contacted me), 2months on, 2 months off (where she continually contacted me), 6WEEKS on. OFF. NOW.

- Ultimately yes, and he probably doesn't give a flying crap about it. That makes me feel better.

 

If you ask me, I believe you are the one that could benefit from seeing someone and since you said you are co-dependent and addicted to her, I suggest you look into it.

- I am seeing a therapist, I NEED to now. This has evolved to now where I have no choice but to see a professional.

 

You sound like an amazing guy! Late twenties, extremely successful in your professional career, loaded, good looking, come from a loving home, nice car, clothes, DJ in clubs around town and it's obvious that you are a really caring and loving guy that values and respects women, etc.

- Thank you. I respect women more than I do myself. To my detriment.

 

Mack/Gibson/Wilson. You guys have helped me a lot over the past year. You've most likely helped me for life.

 

This woman at some will return, attempt to return some day. I need to be at the state where I can say NO. Its probably already started with the text last friday, she probably stringing along a dozen men at the moment - DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME SICK.

 

I am reading the previous posts over and over and IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

 

Yeh wilson - I went looking for the clown.. Just to catch a glimse of it to see if it would hit me again. I know wilson.

Edited March 19, 2012 by a_bit_lost
replied to wilson within

[a_bit_lost]

You know, thinking about things over a year ago at the very beginning I do remember her telling me she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. I remember her sitting on my sofa, and i remember us having a joking conversation saying 'oh my, why are you here?!?!'. That kind of thing. There was definite confusion on her part right at the beginning of us (how ever we can define 'us'), but equally balanced with OMG YOU'RE AMAZING AND IM FALLING FOR YOU and I entertained her and took her away etc, what was I doing guys.

 

I HONESTLY think she'll take into the next relationship all the same things that she was like with me at the beginning, yet, this time round it'll be me that she will be thinking of. And repeat, she'll come back. Like she did with me and her Ex. I just damn know it.

Edited March 19, 2012 by a_bit_lost

[a_bit_lost]

something all my friends have said to me is that she will regret what she's done.. and not only that they say that I have set the 'bar' high, HIGH HIGH HIGH, in every respect, and I don't mean assets or money or anything like that - i treated that woman well, very well, i can stand up and say that, even when it comes to assets etc I could offer that woman any woman a nice life, but a loving one as well - and she knew that, and she'll find out in the wilderness that NOT all guys are like that. But for some reason she still wanted to be part-free, and not do the hand holding and stuff. Anyway you guys know all this.

Edited March 19, 2012 by a_bit_lost

[AlexDP]

something all my friends have said to me is that she will regret what she's done.. and not only that they say that I have set the 'bar' high, HIGH HIGH HIGH, in every respect, and I don't mean assets or money or anything like that - i treated that woman well, very well, i can stand up and say that, even when it comes to assets etc I could offer that woman any woman a nice life, but a loving one as well - and she knew that, and she'll find out in the wilderness that NOT all guys are like that. But for some reason she still wanted to be part-free, and not do the hand holding and stuff. Anyway you guys know all this.

 

She doesn't care.

[a_bit_lost]

"She doesnt care.."

 

Nice

[a_bit_lost]

I'm done with all this.

 

Flat-lined, the reality has just hit - she doesn't care, I was warned - frequently by events, by other people and by my own intuition. Against what she said.

 

I guess being a dj made her think that I was that sort - glitzy, party, social to match her party mindset - but i'm not. She thought I'd be the route to the high life she's looking for. But she soon found out I needed a more committed relationship and she cant do commitment. Why did she bother to recycle this time and time again? Because I was there to repair her yet again.

 

It makes sense and i've flat-lined.

[Livin Lrge]

Hi ABL,

I just walked away for the final time last night from my EX,

No looking into why and trying to find reasons.

Its over.

If a girl is into you she would not for a second put you through this much Sh#t and pain. it would never get to this point if there was Love for you.

End of Story....

Walk away and never look back.

If she comes knocking follow Sudden Dumpee's thread and see what he done.

This dude is the man when it comes to self control.

Work on yourself and inner game.