cheating my heart

[ninn]

Okay, I'm just going to go right into it. I've been dating the same guy for 4 years. I cheat on him. A lot. about 1.5 years of our relationship has been long distance and that is when most of the cheating has taken place, but some of it has taken place while we were together. In the past he has forgiven me for the few indiscretions he knows about but he knows of about 3 guys...when I've slept around with more than 10. I know I have a problem. I don't have the money to go get therapy.

 

This is my first major relationship. In the beginning I made the excuse that I cheated to experience different things....and not get stuck in a relationship to which I have no comparison for the rest of my life. Now I just do it for the novelty....threesomes, virgins, anything new and interesting. I have no morality myself that prevents me from doing this. I have to think about how my boyfriend will feel when I do this, but in the heat of the moment he's the farthest thing from my mind.

 

When we are together, we're good. We have a comfortable relationship and lately we've been talking about marriage. He doesn't want to marry me because of his personal beliefs. But I believe marriage is an important part of a long term relationship. Our personal interactions are wonderful and in all of my experience cheating I have never met a better partner in life. But I wonder why I still cheat if he is so important to me.

 

I guess my problem is. I don't know whether to stay with him or break up with him. I love him to death and we have a great relationship but I don't think my habits are what he needs in a girlfriend and I don't know how stop. Help.

[angela]

Don't get married! That is the worst thing you could do if you feel the need to explore different sexual experiences. Make sure you practice safe sex and let go of your boyfriend for now. The only thing marriage is an important part of in a relationship is COMMITMENT! If you can't commit, then accept that and go on. It is ok not to commit and explore. Wait to commit until you no longer have the need to cheat.

Okay, I'm just going to go right into it. I've been dating the same guy for 4 years. I cheat on him. A lot. about 1.5 years of our relationship has been long distance and that is when most of the cheating has taken place, but some of it has taken place while we were together. In the past he has forgiven me for the few indiscretions he knows about but he knows of about 3 guys...when I've slept around with more than 10. I know I have a problem. I don't have the money to go get therapy. This is my first major relationship. In the beginning I made the excuse that I cheated to experience different things....and not get stuck in a relationship to which I have no comparison for the rest of my life. Now I just do it for the novelty....threesomes, virgins, anything new and interesting. I have no morality myself that prevents me from doing this. I have to think about how my boyfriend will feel when I do this, but in the heat of the moment he's the farthest thing from my mind. When we are together, we're good. We have a comfortable relationship and lately we've been talking about marriage. He doesn't want to marry me because of his personal beliefs. But I believe marriage is an important part of a long term relationship. Our personal interactions are wonderful and in all of my experience cheating I have never met a better partner in life. But I wonder why I still cheat if he is so important to me. I guess my problem is. I don't know whether to stay with him or break up with him. I love him to death and we have a great relationship but I don't think my habits are what he needs in a girlfriend and I don't know how stop. Help.

 

[Tony T]

You cheat because you are terrified of a long term relationship with one person. You keep your current boyfriend because, as you say (and I don't quite understand) he doesn't want to marry because of his personal beliefs.

 

You cheat because of the thrill of the possiblity of getting caught. That thrill can be as satisfying for some people as the sex itself. You keep your current boyfriend because he doesn't believe in marriage and therefore is safe because your fear will not allow you to be with someone who wants a forever committment.

 

God help the guy you might marry now in a fit of stupor. You are not ready for marriage and you are not ready to have a long-term boyfriend. You need to free your guy to find someone who can give him the loyalty he seeks.

 

You tread dangerously, having multiple partners, and you put your boyfriend in equal peril. Set him free so you ONLY are exposed to the possiblities of AIDS and death. Do not pronounce such a sentence on him. And, by all means, protect yourself to the best extent you can. You sound like a real gambler and someone who would have unprotected sex.

 

The fear of intimacy is rooted in your childhood. There are most likely issues with your parents or others who may have abandoned you emotionally or physically and caused you great pain. You could not control these issues as a child. As an adult, your greatest fear is enduring that hurt once again. You empower yourself with the control to end your current relationship by your sexual escapades. If he leaves you, the pain will not be so great because you are the one who set out to sabotage things.

 

Without therapy, you may never get through this. In the absense of sufficient funds for help, seek assistance from the psychology department of a nearby university that may offer therapy on a basis of your ability to pay. Read books in the library and in bookstores on intimacy and abandonment. Attend workshops and seminars that may be offered from time to time in your area on the subject.

 

It is good that you have no problem with conscience in what you are doing. However, again, I urge you to free your boyfriend from the dangers of disease and death that you may bring to him. And if you continue to have sex with multiple partners, for whatever reason, use protection, get checked for AIDS regularly (for free at your local health department) and keep a diary of your partners with addresses and phone numbers so you can contact them should you ever come up HIV positive.

 

Godspeed to you and all those you come in contact with.