Why dumpers eventually want to reconcile; why dumpees eventually don't

[BoredAgain]

There's a lot of talk on these boards about the "Grass is Greener Syndrome" (GIGS), and the possibility of reconciliation that comes with it. Yet when you look through the internet for stories of GIGS dumpers, it seems pretty common that when the dumper has a change of heart, the dumpee usually rejects the opportunity to reconcile. Why?

 

I think it comes down to this: in general, people have difficulty predicting what will make them happy. For example, people commonly think that more money will make them happier. However, when lottery winners are surveyed, it turns out they are no more happy then before they won. This is because people have an amazing ability to adapt to their circumstances. In other words, once people get used to their new circumstances, they generally return to your base-line level of happiness.

 

This is what happens with a GIGS dumper. The high they get from their new-found freedom lets them have a great time clubbing, drinking, and dating new guys. But when that high wares off, they start to realize the downsides - clubs are loud and full of creeps, going out for drinks is extremely expensive, and these new guys (even if they are nice) have various faults. So they become just as happy (or unhappy?) outside the relationship as they were inside the relationship, and doubts about their decision to break-up begin to sink in. This is the realization that the grass really isn't greener (and, according to what I've seen here, this can happen anywhere from 6-24 months after the breakup).

 

Note that it doesn't always work like this. If the relationship was actually a bad one (with cheating, abuse, etc.), then the dumper still might be happier outside of the relationship - perhaps just not as happy as they initially thought.

However, if the dumper comes crawling back to the dumpee, they often get shot down. This is because the exact opposite happens to the dumpee. Just as we have a difficult time predicting what will make us happy, we also have a difficult time predicting what will make us miserable. After the initial shock and horror of getting dumped, most people start to realize that it isn't so bad. They too eventually return to their base-level of happiness. Or if you follow the advice commonly given here (meet new people, start new hobbies, and work on yourself), you (the dumpee) may eventually be happier than you were in the old relationship.

So when the opportunity presents itself 6-24 months down the line, the dumper is often just beginning to mourn for the relationship. On the other hand, you're probably over it by that point and have made yourself into a happier and better person. And for you, the dumpee, returning to the old relationship doesn't seem quite as appealing as it did when the break-up wounds were fresh.

P.S. I just want to make it clear that these are just opinions. I've been interested for awhile on the psychology of happiness, so I base this on what I know about that field PLUS what I've seen on these (and other) boards. So take that for what it's worth.

Edited December 13, 2011 by BoredAgain

[smokey bear]

There's a lot of talk on these boards about the "Grass is Greener Syndrome" (GIGS), and the possibility of reconciliation that comes with it. Yet when you look through the internet for stories of GIGS dumpers, it seems pretty common that when the dumper has a change of heart, the dumpee usually rejects the opportunity to reconcile. Why?

 

I think it comes down to this: in general, people have difficulty predicting what will make them happy. For example, people commonly think that more money will make them happier. However, when lottery winners are surveyed, it turns out they are no more happy then before they won. This is because people have an amazing ability to adapt to their circumstances. In other words, once people get used to their new circumstances, they generally return to your base-line level of happiness.

 

This is what happens with a GIGS dumper. The high they get from their new-found freedom lets them have a great time clubbing, drinking, and dating new guys. But when that high wares off, they start to realize the downsides - clubs are loud and full of creeps, going out for drinks is extremely expensive, and these new guys (even if they are nice) have various faults. So they become just as happy (or unhappy?) outside the relationship as they were inside the relationship, and doubts about their decision to break-up begin to sink in. This is the realization that the grass really isn't greener (and, according to what I've seen here, this can happen anywhere from 6-24 months after the breakup).

 

Note that it doesn't always work like this. If the relationship was actually a bad one (with cheating, abuse, etc.), then the dumper still might be happier outside of the relationship - perhaps just not as happy as they initially thought.

 

However, if the dumper comes crawling back to the dumpee, they often get shot down. This is because the exact opposite happens to the dumpee. Just as we have a difficult time predicting what will make us happy, we also have a difficult time predicting what will make us miserable. After the initial shock and horror of getting dumped, most people start to realize that it isn't so bad. They too eventually return to their base-level of happiness. Or if you follow the advice commonly given here (meet new people, start new hobbies, and work on yourself), you (the dumpee) may eventually be happier than you were in the old relationship.

 

So when the opportunity presents itself 6-24 months down the line, the dumper is often just beginning to mourn for the relationship. On the other hand, you're probably over it by that point and have made yourself into a happier and better person. And for you, the dumpee, returning to the old relationship doesn't seem quite as appealing as it did when the break-up wounds were fresh.

 

P.S. I just want to make it clear that these are just opinions. I've been interested for awhile on the psychology of happiness, so I base this on what I know about that field PLUS what I've seen on these (and other) boards. So take that for what it's worth.

 

 

Its as simple as time, gigs takes time, by the time its over the dumpee has moved on, a vast majority of it though is that the dumpee doesnt understand gigs and takes it as a personal attack and cannot forgive, or forget hwat they done, people they slept with etc.

 

So i think its time, naturally the body moves on and 75% dont understand it enough to fogive the dumper.

 

 

I think now im 85% in this to solve the puzzle and now only 25% on getting my ex back. funny lol . well maybe thats not entirely true, 50/50.

 

Im facinated by it...... almost addicted

[MarMarMar]

There's a lot of talk on these boards about the "Grass is Greener Syndrome" (GIGS), and the possibility of reconciliation that comes with it. Yet when you look through the internet for stories of GIGS dumpers, it seems pretty common that when the dumper has a change of heart, the dumpee usually rejects the opportunity to reconcile. Why?

 

I think it comes down to this: in general, people have difficulty predicting what will make them happy. For example, people commonly think that more money will make them happier. However, when lottery winners are surveyed, it turns out they are no more happy then before they won. This is because people have an amazing ability to adapt to their circumstances. In other words, once people get used to their new circumstances, they generally return to your base-line level of happiness.

 

This is what happens with a GIGS dumper. The high they get from their new-found freedom lets them have a great time clubbing, drinking, and dating new guys. But when that high wares off, they start to realize the downsides - clubs are loud and full of creeps, going out for drinks is extremely expensive, and these new guys (even if they are nice) have various faults. So they become just as happy (or unhappy?) outside the relationship as they were inside the relationship, and doubts about their decision to break-up begin to sink in. This is the realization that the grass really isn't greener (and, according to what I've seen here, this can happen anywhere from 6-24 months after the breakup).

 

Note that it doesn't always work like this. If the relationship was actually a bad one (with cheating, abuse, etc.), then the dumper still might be happier outside of the relationship - perhaps just not as happy as they initially thought.

However, if the dumper comes crawling back to the dumpee, they often get shot down. This is because the exact opposite happens to the dumpee. Just as we have a difficult time predicting what will make us happy, we also have a difficult time predicting what will make us miserable. After the initial shock and horror of getting dumped, most people start to realize that it isn't so bad. They too eventually return to their base-level of happiness. Or if you follow the advice commonly given here (meet new people, start new hobbies, and work on yourself), you (the dumpee) may eventually be happier than you were in the old relationship.

So when the opportunity presents itself 6-24 months down the line, the dumper is often just beginning to mourn for the relationship. On the other hand, you're probably over it by that point and have made yourself into a happier and better person. And for you, the dumpee, returning to the old relationship doesn't seem quite as appealing as it did when the break-up wounds were fresh.

P.S. I just want to make it clear that these are just opinions. I've been interested for awhile on the psychology of happiness, so I base this on what I know about that field PLUS what I've seen on these (and other) boards. So take that for what it's worth.

 

Makes sense, nice read Can I add a bit to that?

I've seen a few people fighting over the whole leaving the dumpee to find happiness (in another person/elsewhere)is seen as bad but the dumpee being sad over being dumped(lost the happiness they had in that person) is seen as okay. People of that opinion say it's the same thing(putting happiness in other people) so you can't say one is bad one is good. I think it's okay to find (more) happiness in a person but you have to be happy with yourself first. Like you were saying with the whole base happiness thing. If you're happy or at least content with yourself you will be happy and stay happy with a relationship but if you aren't happy with yourself or hate yourself you may temporarily find happiness in someone but ultimately your unhappiness with yourself will resurface. Not that either are really bad in a sense of evil the second one does lead to less satisfaction ect.

 

I'm getting back to my weird rambly self.

[sugarmomma]

OP this is what has happened in the past for me. I begged my exh to reconcile and after the divorce he came sniffing around at about the 2 year mark but I didn't have any desire for him at all. This has also happened in relationships where the guy has deliberately acted like an ass and I had to dump him. They came back months later wanting to "act right" but I was over it.

 

I hope this happens with the guy I'm getting over now. He pretty much detached and started acting different and finally admitted that he didn't want anything serious when 6 months ago he did. wtf?

 

So hopefully he'll come back before I'm over it. *shrugs*

[Woggle]

Everybody that has dumped me has wanted me back but I have never wanted anybody back after I have dumped them.

[ZimboGon]

I'm sure you remember my threads, boredagain. Nice read, by the way.

 

You keep giving me hope hahaha. The thing is, i don't really feel nearly as heartbroken about the break-up as i think most would. I loved her, i gave her everything i could, but i understand what happened and why it did. Why GIGS overcame her and she left me for some guy who manipulated me.

 

I do not forgive how she left me. That is something that only she can mend to me. But, i love her enough to know that if she does come back some time i will accept her. I'm not holding bad blood over it. At one point in the relationship, i felt the same. I had a crush on another woman, and hell, given the opportunity i don't know what i would have done. But i snapped out of it, and i realized she was the one i want to be with. The only difference with me, my crush wasn't head over heels in love with me. So i feel some dumpees would agree and be willing to take them back.

 

However, i'm only a month post break-up.

[BoredAgain]

I do not forgive how she left me. That is something that only she can mend to me. But, i love her enough to know that if she does come back some time i will accept her. I'm not holding bad blood over it. At one point in the relationship, i felt the same. I had a crush on another woman, and hell, given the opportunity i don't know what i would have done. But i snapped out of it, and i realized she was the one i want to be with. The only difference with me, my crush wasn't head over heels in love with me. So i feel some dumpees would agree and be willing to take them back.

 

I feel the exact opposite. I don't think I could ever accept her back into my life romantically. Don't get me wrong, I miss her incredibly and there is a part of me that really wants reconciliation. I could even forgive my Ex for what she did... but I don't think I could ever forget. The fact that the breakup was so abrupt makes me feel like I'd always be worried about it happening again. The trust between us has just been completely dissolved, and I've even thought about what could ever rebuild that trust... but I can't come up with anything.

 

But, yeah, it's only been a little over 2 weeks of NC for me. So... who knows, maybe I'll feel differently eventually. Right now I'm happy working on my life, so the desire to contact her isn't even there.

[ZimboGon]

Ah i understand that. My friend went through that, and when he got back together with his ex he just couldn't take the bad thoughts out of his head and eventually left her.

 

I have a fear that may happen to me, but i've never been known to hold grudges. She has already shattered my trust in her, and she would have to gain it back. I'm a bit more forgiving because she is younger, and she has a lot more to mature and figure out what she wants.

 

But i understand your point. I would be much more protective whenever another guy comes around.

[YouNeverKnow86]

Is this more true with male dumpers compared to female dumpers? Or do you think it is equal?

[mike588]

My now ex.brokeup with her ex. and we dated for a year only to have her dump me and go back to him.. this is their 2nd possibly 3rd time back together so there is something obviously there between the two of them.

 

That was 4 months ago and wonder IF,, IF they breakup again if she will contact me? Like all of us at 1st I wanted her back but after your emotions settle down and you look at the relationship in a different light alot of dumpees don't want them back for various reasons.

 

As far as rebounds go. I was rebound person and I feel that they don't/wont come back because there was never really anything there from the beginning.... sure they may have loved you but weren't IN LOVE with you...you were their "emotional bandaid" during their tough times...no real deep emotional attachment was made from them..

 

IF,,,IF they do come back it's only for/about them...they are lonely..the other relationship didn't work out...they are looking for another bandaid and as soon as someone else comes along.. your history...again. I treated my ex. soooo very well and am sure thats all she would be looking for..someone to stroke her ego..that's all.

 

It took me awhile to realize this and am now glad she hasn't tried to come back because earlier on I would have.. only to be hurt again.

[BoredAgain]

Is this more true with male dumpers compared to female dumpers? Or do you think it is equal?

 

Probably about equal, but I have no idea.

[ZimboGon]

Probably about equal, but I have no idea.

 

I'd say it would be a bit more common for a woman, since in nature they tend to reflect upon the past more.

[RecordProducer]

in general, people have difficulty predicting what will make them happy.

 

...

 

This is what happens with a GIGS dumper. The high they get from their new-found freedom lets them have a great time clubbing, drinking, and dating new guys. But when that high wares off, they start to realize the downsides - ... So they become just as happy (or unhappy?) outside the relationship as they were inside the relationship, and doubts about their decision to break-up begin to sink in. This is the realization that the grass really isn't greener (and, according to what I've seen here, this can happen anywhere from 6-24 months after the breakup)..

Great post, BA! And I think you're doing better sticking to your own observations than citing to external sources, because your proposition that it's a high that wear out is different - and in my opinion more correct- than the idea of basal happiness. The difference is rooted in the content of the newly gained freedom, i.e. that it's not as great as theu thought. By contrast, the basal happiness theory rests on the notion that no matter how rich or poor you are, you'll be equally happy or miserable after the high wears off. That's actually not quite true.

 

I've seen a few people fighting over the whole leaving the dumpee to find happiness (in another person/elsewhere)is seen as bad but the dumpee being sad over being dumped(lost the happiness they had in that person) is seen as okay. People of that opinion say it's the same thing(putting happiness in other people) so you can't say one is bad one is good. I think it's okay to find (more) happiness in a person but you have to be happy with yourself first. Like you were saying with the whole base happiness thing. If you're happy or at least content with yourself you will be happy and stay happy with a relationship but if you aren't happy with yourself or hate yourself you may temporarily find happiness in someone but ultimately your unhappiness with yourself will resurface. Not that either are really bad in a sense of evil the second one does lead to less satisfaction ect.

 

I'm getting back to my weird rambly self.

I think this is a GREAT observation, and if MMM allows me, I'd like to simplify it to make sure it settles in. I think what MMM is saying is that the dumpers (who are usually serial dumpers) can't find true happiness with anyone because there is something substantial lacking in their own foundation. So they jump from one relationship onto another, looking for "the one" and admitting but one mistake they've ever made: hooking up with the wrong people.

 

The dumper profile we're discussing here is the GIGS-er; we're excluding dumping for valid, legit reasons. The GIGS-er as a personality type is usually the one that's the wrong person for everybody. They expect from others to be flawless and ironically, usually hook up with the worst people after dumping the one with a flaw. They're not relationship material because they refuse to look within themselves and accept the remote possibility that maybe, just maybe, it's them who always screw up.

[PoppyLove89]

This makes perfect sense to me. One and a half months ago, I would have given anything for a second chance off my ex. We haven't spoken via text/phone in over a month but we bumped into each other for the first time as singles and had a short chat - general chit-chat.

 

Granted, I left feeling upset and missed him all over again, felt the progress I'd made was gone, but now I'm having doubts in myself as to whether I'd even want a second chance? Would it even work out? Do I want to risk feeling as hurt as I did when it ended all over again? I feel my barriers have come up and my doubts are protecting me now that the fog has cleared a little and the pain has subsided. I've started to think that maybe he doesn't love me half as much as he made out while we were together - if at all.

 

Yes, I still love him and yes, I still miss him (or who he was at least) but if he came back (and I doubt it somehow since he is very, very stubborn) would I want that chance/risk? I know one thing, I wouldn't give it up easily that's for sure. He'd have to prove to me that he was in it for all the right reasons, 110%!

[MarMarMar]

I think this is a GREAT observation, and if MMM allows me, I'd like to simplify it to make sure it settles in. I think what MMM is saying is that the dumpers (who are usually serial dumpers) can't find true happiness with anyone because there is something substantial lacking in their own foundation. So they jump from one relationship onto another, looking for "the one" and admitting but one mistake they've ever made: hooking up with the wrong people.

 

The dumper profile we're discussing here is the GIGS-er; we're excluding dumping for valid, legit reasons. The GIGS-er as a personality type is usually the one that's the wrong person for everybody. They expect from others to be flawless and ironically, usually hook up with the worst people after dumping the one with a flaw. They're not relationship material because they refuse to look within themselves and accept the remote possibility that maybe, just maybe, it's them who always screw up.

 

Yup. Also from what I've noticed these are also the people that tend to not only do that but not stay single long because they are looking for validation in other people only since they can't find it within themselves.

 

Something that might have just been with my own ex I'm not sure: he was amazing at first because he was very happy with the relationship before all his self-hate began seep through him and poison to every aspect of his life again. The other issue with that is that he did the put me up in a pedestal thing and while it sounds nice it pretty much sucks because you will never live up to perfection.

 

But back to the sort of topic; yeah that's probably why they try to contact again. Once they get back to their base level of happiness(unless they did some changing and growing) then they think fondly of the people they were happy with since at least part of the relationship was above their normal happy level because we did genuinely make them happy it's just that if they don't love themselves no amount of love from other people will be enough.

Edited December 16, 2011 by MarMarMar

[RecordProducer]

Yup. Also from what I've noticed these are also the people that tend to not only do that but not stay single long because they are looking for validation in other people only since they can't find it within themselves.

Right! OMG! This is phenomenal!

 

you will never live up to perfection.

True.

 

But back to the sort of topic; yeah that's probably why they try to contact again. Once they get back to their base level of happiness(unless they did some changing and growing) then they think fondly of the people they were happy with since at least part of the relationship was above their normal happy level because we did genuinely make them happy it's just that if they don't love themselves no amount of love from other people will be enough.

My first ex-husband never asked me to come back, but I would've been surprised if he did considering we were really wrong for one another and things wereunfixable. Regrading my second ex-husband, I'm sure he'll want me back when all the girls from the playground go home, but no thanks. I was miserable with him, he sucked as a partner in so many aspects. Frankly, I don't care if he ever wants me back.I don't even consider him a human being. It used to be my fantasy to see him on his knees and tell him NO, but now I wouldn't even consider it a compliment. I would feel sorry for him, for not realizing that he did me a favor by divorcing me. The other two boyfriends I've had, it was me who dumped them, so the thread doesn't apply tothem.They did beg me for a while to give them another chance (until they realized the attempts were futile).

[wilsonx]

Its nice seeing other peoples' opinions, experience, and speculation on this subject

[ZimboGon]

Yeah, this is a really good topic. Here's to hoping my ex comes back, haha...

[LZ2000]

Kudos to the OP for an insightful observation.

[marqueemoon4]

 

My first ex-husband never asked me to come back, but I would've been surprised if he did considering we were really wrong for one another and things wereunfixable.

 

What was "unfixable"? Obviously in a marriage/relationship people have different beliefs on what is fixable and what is not. My exW told me if I thought our relationship could be fixed I was "clueless".

[wilsonx]

I don't agree with the premise. Perhaps it is valid among those (a small minority) who are into clubbing, drinking, etc. That just isn't my social circle.

 

Most adults 25 to 90 (and even those younger...my gals never were 'clubbers') are doing other things. When I've moved on it's been with someone I have more of a connection with through outdoor activities, the sciences, a fitness lifestyle, etc.

 

Many break ups aren't dramatic. I've never had a dramatic one. Partners drift apart. No desire for partyng, cheating, etc. More of a 'it's run its course and 'I'm not finding fulfillment anymore'.

 

And most mature individuals understand the consequences of breaking up. They don't go back but move on.

 

Your social circle is different so you have never encountered this. You also said something else "Most mature" individuals understand the consequences of this type of breakup. These type of breakups are usually led on by emotionally immature people. Those that lie to themselves. One of the most difficult things with these types of breakups is that you can look them in their eyes and see they are lying to themselves. You gain this glimmer of hope in the distance because you can see the lying in their eyes. You can say at the same time, "why would you date someone that lies to themselves", because its absolutely fun and unpredictable.

[BoredAgain]

I don't agree with the premise. Perhaps it is valid among those (a small minority) who are into clubbing, drinking, etc. That just isn't my social circle.

 

Most adults 25 to 90 (and even those younger...my gals never were 'clubbers') are doing other things. When I've moved on it's been with someone I have more of a connection with through outdoor activities, the sciences, a fitness lifestyle, etc.

 

Well, GIGS essentially refers to people who leave their happy/healthy LTR because they would rather 'play the field.' So, almost by definition, we're not talking about a mature person - the common age for this type of break-up seems to be 18-25. This thread doesn't apply to all types of breakups.

 

On a side note, I'd love to know what you mean by "drifting apart" in a relationship. That's a very common phrase, but it's also extremely vague.

[MarMarMar]

I actually wasn't talking just about gigs people but the things I was saying do also apply to gigs people but I think they also apply to other people as well. For example: one of my friends is ending his six year relationship with his girl who is 41. Because she isn't happy with herself and she has bad abandonment issues. And I don't believe my ex has gigs but he has very similar issues to my friend's girlfriend

 

They're still living together because of a lease but it's up soon but it's definitely over. But she has the same issues my ex even though he dumped me and my friend is dumpig her. I feel bad for her for the whole getting dumped thing but she is naturally a very unhappy individual to the point that when she tried to bring her mom the arguments with my friend her the mother actually sided with my friend because she knows how her daughter is.

 

But she is at the point where she just resents my friend (all this before the breakup issues) and all the relationship failings where on my friend alone in her eyes. Not the fact that she was acting like a stalker because she's paranoid of being cheated on or her controlling behavior, or pushing for marriage always, or being controlling always wanting to be together. My friend is just leaving the relationship because even though these things have been a problem from the beginning he kept just loving her more because he though if he loved her enough maybe she would become happy with herself. Again though, that won't help in the end since she needs to find happiness within herself before she can get it from an external source. So the fact that it's been six years and that she's 41 he finally realized without doubt that she won't change. Which sort of makes us kindred spirits.

 

Sorry for more rambliness but I'm feeling like myself now and I'm one of those somewhat incoherent writers.

[wilsonx]

Actually GIGS is a positive term and always has been for everything that you just said.

 

At the same time we define words as we see them in the present. I remember when I first came to the forum, I told homebrew, I hate GIGS, I do not agree with it. He said "I agree with you" A few weeks ago I told him damn man, I agree with what you said about GIGS being a positive thing, he said "I agree with you"

 

When homebrew wrote that post, he meant it as a positive term. With time, everyone will see what you just posted Martinman and agree with it as soon as they learn to let go of that anger and resentment.

 

I do not agree with anger and resentment being the cause of lack in a participation in a relationship.

 

Anger and sadness in its purest form are positive emotions. A lot of people do not understand this. Instead of embracing anger and sadness, they tuck it away and hide it. You can be angry and sad in a relationship, it doesn't mean that the relationship has to end, it means something needs to change with yourself usually it has nothing to do with the other person at all. Its about that person either accepting something or letting it go. Resentment, hopelessness, rage, despair, depression come from not addressing anger and sadness within one's self. People need to learn how to feel their own emotions and not only address them but own them instead of hiding them.

[wilsonx]

What was "unfixable"? Obviously in a marriage/relationship people have different beliefs on what is fixable and what is not. My exW told me if I thought our relationship could be fixed I was "clueless".

 

Nothing is unfix able. That term unfix-able is reserved by people with so much resentment built up, that they wall off. I am guilty of this. I read posts here all the time with anger and resentment in them. mm4's post is one of my favorite posts here on this topic, good guy, blind sided by a walled off ex.

 

I am not going to pry and bash people on this very thread but there are some people that need to just let go of resentment. Life's too short to be angry and self centered all the time.

 

I got destroyed in my breakup, I watched it like a little boy trapped in the inside of my body. I was so angry betrayed etc at my ex for about 2 months. One day right after that 2 month mark, it hit me, I was angry at myself, not at my ex and I had been for a long time, it wasnt because my ex lied to me, or cheated on me, it was because I walled off and quit feeling, quit being me. As I went through the process I watched other peoples breakups, I watch this forum, my friends, their friends. I see the anger and resent YEARS and YEARS later. This very thread shows this phenomenon of resentment and egocentrism years after a breakup.

 

People called me a hypocrite said Im an idiot, why did you break NC, you don't practice what you preach. In all actuality I do. I dont want to hold on to that resentment for the rest of my life. I buried the hatchet with my ex face to face. She hated me for cutting her out of my life, she stalked me 4 months later after a breakup she initiated. She was mad I was angry that I was moving on without her. People cant grasp why I did what I did. A few did, homebrew was one, and a couple others in the forum.

 

I essentially pulled all the weeds(resentment) out of the garden and planted a new seed (love) and only time will tell if it gets enough water to bloom. Shes responsible for watering it though.

 

At the same time, I have my own life to live, if I hear from her one day, great, if not, I'll move on.