Exit Affairs

[MyApology]

Are these done consciously or subconsciously? Or both?

[FelicityShot]

Are these done consciously or subconsciously? Or both?

 

In an exit A where the WS has fallen in love, and an exit occurs, it would seem that both would apply.

 

But the conscious mind has to be in collusion with the subconscious for it to actually transpire as an exit, rather than get stopped short at DDay.

 

Of course there are many external factors in the conscious and subconscious mix. People do not operate in a vacuum.

 

It's an interesting question.

 

I would guess that the subconscious has a lot to do with the lead up to this kind of A. Because otherwise the person would be consciously au fait with the need to leave, and do something about it.

[MyApology]

In an exit A where the WS has fallen in love, and an exit occurs, it would seem that both would apply.

 

But the conscious mind has to be in collusion with the subconscious for it to actually transpire as an exit, rather than get stopped short at DDay.

 

Of course there are many external factors in the conscious and subconscious mix. People do not operate in a vacuum.

 

It's an interesting question.

 

I would guess that the subconscious has a lot to do with the lead up to this kind of A. Because otherwise the person would be consciously au fait with the need to leave, and do something about it.

 

With the MM I know, he has said that after all the previous affairs, that if he gets caught this time, he knows for a fact his marriage is over. In my mind, if I cheated on a husband previously, and he was giving me an absolute last chance, and I trully loved him, I would not even consider having an affair, ESPECIALLY, such a high risk one on top of that. Then continuing it for months and planning it for the next 12 months.

The reasoning not being specifically for me, but wondering if it is a subconscious want to have an exit and have it be a no choice decision. Why else take such a chance?

Edited December 14, 2011 by MyApology

[FelicityShot]

Ah! OK. It's the 'force me to leave' exit you're asking about.

 

I can totally understand the can't shoot you but you can shoot me mentality re Rs.

 

Anyway, I think this kind of exit is both subconscious and conscious. I think there is more than cowardice at play.

[MyApology]

Not sure what is going on in his mind, but must not be that much care, if he is taking the final risk or plans on continuing with final risks, and the end product equals a broken marriage.

I know that if I loved someone and was given a firm last chance or it is over, I would NEVER allow it to happen again. Not only that but pursue it relentlessly.

[Spark1111]

Neither.

 

Exit affairs are completely conscious and no one waits to get caught or be outed.

 

They choose to leave a truly dead and buried marriage very quickly.

 

In an exit affair, often the plans to divorce have been discussed and may even be underway.

 

Often, the marriage is oh so over waaaaay before the AP joins the scene. Most of the friends and family are genuinely happy for the person. The affair and the AP are NOT kept secret for long.

 

Statistically, 3 out of 100 are a true exit affair.

[Spark1111]

Are these done consciously or subconsciously? Or both?

 

I misread this and I apologize.

 

Consciously. Very.

[Quiet Storm]

MM is often not an emotionally healthy person, so he makes self destructive choices. Many of these choices are not logical and do not make any sense at all to outsiders looking in.

 

I think for many serial cheaters, it is like an addiction. Many men and women make this comparison after they are out of their affairs.

 

Drug addicts will steal from the parents they love. Porn addicts will risk their jobs looking up porn on the company computer. Gambling addicts will spend their childrens college funds. Men in affairs will take big risks to get their high. In that moment, they are not thinking of consequence. They want immediate gratification.

 

And just like an addict, when they are out of it, they often can't believe they did the things they did.

 

There is no way to tell if it is an "exit affair" until he get's caught. If he wants out, getting caught will be his catalyst to leave. If he stays, it is just his usual pattern.

 

If he has had multiple affairs, and remains with a woman that he does not love, when he could leave and divorce her...he is not a man you would ever want. He is a conflict avoiding coward. He would bring confusion, heartache and pain into your life. These types are not just afraid of the evil wife. They avoid every uncomfortable siutation. Their default reaction to anything remotely confrontational is to lie, hide and avoid. They are wimpy fakes.

 

An emotionally healthy man would not have an exit affair. He would tell his wife he wanted a divorce and leave.

 

The bottom line is that most cheaters are confused, scattered, self centered, immature individuals. This behavior is not always a result of a bad marriage (it is often the cause), but is an indication of their true character. Bad marriages can be ended, worked on or rejuvinated without infidelity. Their choice to remedy it with infidelity says a lot about how they handle things. Often therapy and serious self introspection are needed to stop these behavioral patterns.

 

IMO, they do not make a good partner for their wife, and they would not make a good partner for any woman.

Edited December 14, 2011 by Quiet Storm

[MyApology]

Agree. I am going to tell him, I can no longer be your antedote to happiness. I am an enabler for you. You are able to withstand your unhappiness and the dread of a bad marriage because I provide temporary a temporary outlet of happiness. I am enabling you to not take action in deciding if living your life this way is worth it, being miserable.

It turns me off. You need to honest with yourself and make healthy decisions.

[sad puppy]

MM is often not an emotionally healthy person, so he makes self destructive choices. Many of these choices are not logical and do not make any sense at all to outsiders looking in.

 

I think for many serial cheaters, it is like an addiction. Many men and women make this comparison after they are out of their affairs.

 

Drug addicts will steal from the parents they love. Porn addicts will risk their jobs looking up porn on the company computer. Gambling addicts will spend their childrens college funds. Men in affairs will take big risks to get their high. In that moment, they are not thinking of consequence. They want immediate gratification.

 

And just like an addict, when they are out of it, they often can't believe they did the things they did.

 

There is no way to tell if it is an "exit affair" until he get's caught. If he wants out, getting caught will be his catalyst to leave. If he stays, it is just his usual pattern.

 

If he has had multiple affairs, and remains with a woman that he does not love, when he could leave and divorce her...he is not a man you would ever want. He is a conflict avoiding coward. He would bring confusion, heartache and pain into your life. These types are not just afraid of the evil wife. They avoid every uncomfortable siutation. Their default reaction to anything remotely confrontational is to lie, hide and avoid. They are wimpy fakes.

 

An emotionally healthy man would not have an exit affair. He would tell his wife he wanted a divorce and leave.

 

The bottom line is that most cheaters are confused, scattered, self centered, immature individuals. This behavior is not always a result of a bad marriage (it is often the cause), but is an indication of their true character. Bad marriages can be ended, worked on or rejuvinated without infidelity. Their choice to remedy it with infidelity says a lot about how they handle things. Often therapy and serious self introspection are needed to stop these behavioral patterns.

 

IMO, they do not make a good partner for their wife, and they would not make a good partner for any woman.

 

Quiet Storm - this is a brilliant analysis, you have completely hit it on the head. Whether the marriage was alive or dead - the cowardly use an affair to satisfy themselves, it is a weak choice. If the marriage is dead, man up, have the divorce conversation, get the divorce going, and have some integrity. All too often, the conflict avoiders go into the affair to enjoy themselves because they know they are unhappy yet unable to pull the trigger - fix the marriage or get out. An affair is a cowardly choice which drags another into the mess.

 

Even if they get out, even if they do therapy, very hard to change the heart of a person - very hard to change one's level of character and integrity. I believe these are true indicators of one's core.

 

Read once "many people are in an unhappy marriage, and many don't cheat, cheaters cheat".

[thomasb]

Quiet, I agree. This was an awesome and very wise post! Those who do not learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them. A spouse who does the work to remain in the marriage often has to deal with councelling, and an awful lot of questions, not only about the affair but the whys of it. A coward runs and learns nothing.

[findingnemo]

With the MM I know, he has said that after all the previous affairs, that if he gets caught this time, he knows for a fact his marriage is over. In my mind, if I cheated on a husband previously, and he was giving me an absolute last chance, and I trully loved him, I would not even consider having an affair, ESPECIALLY, such a high risk one on top of that. Then continuing it for months and planning it for the next 12 months.

The reasoning not being specifically for me, but wondering if it is a subconscious want to have an exit and have it be a no choice decision. Why else take such a chance?

 

I wonder if it is normal for MMs to say the bolded. My xMM told me that once. It made me wonder why he was having an A at all if he was afraid that his W would leave.

 

Sometimes trying to understand MMs/MWs is futile. Some are open about what they are doing and what they think. But most are probably as clueless as anybody else about the why's. A MM who can clearly explain the reason he's in an A is rare unless the W has a medical problem, a mental one or there is a serious breakdown in communication. Many of them that don't have major issues can hardly articulate what they want, let alone what they are missing in their Ms.

[MyApology]

I wonder if it is normal for MMs to say the bolded. My xMM told me that once. It made me wonder why he was having an A at all if he was afraid that his W would leave.

 

Sometimes trying to understand MMs/MWs is futile. Some are open about what they are doing and what they think. But most are probably as clueless as anybody else about the why's. A MM who can clearly explain the reason he's in an A is rare unless the W has a medical problem, a mental one or there is a serious breakdown in communication. Many of them that don't have major issues can hardly articulate what they want, let alone what they are missing in their Ms.

 

He communicates the problems, one being a major communication problem and it is really bad. They fight on a consistent basis over all issues and he is about through with the situation. I can see the stress all over him, but there are always two sides to the story. I am sure she carries great resentment toward him. I am surprised his balls are intact.

[LadyGrey]

He communicates the problems, one being a major communication problem and it is really bad. They fight on a consistent basis over all issues and he is about through with the situation. I can see the stress all over him, but there are always two sides to the story. I am sure she carries great resentment toward him. I am surprised his balls are intact.

 

Don't you think his previous affairs have a huge part in why they fight?

 

Put yourself in her shoes just for a moment.

[MyApology]

Don't you think his previous affairs have a huge part in why they fight?

 

Put yourself in her shoes just for a moment.

 

I did, I mentioned resentment and two sides of story and was surprised balls were intact. Would not be if I was her!

[LadyGrey]

I did, I mentioned resentment and two sides of story and was surprised balls were intact. Would not be if I was her!

 

I hope you take this in the way it is intended because I'm just trying to get you to open your eyes, OK. I sincerely don't mean to be cruel.

 

Do you see your above comment as being hypocritical? No you aren't his wife and he hasn't done to you what he has done to her, but come on, if he would do it to her, he'd damn sure do it to you. Don't give him the chance to destroy you. Google serial cheaters, please. They aren't just man who can't find the right woman, they are suckers of woman's souls, self esteem and all that is good. They are really sick and twisted and the only one who can fix them is themselves by recognizing and fixing what is broken. You aren't seeing the seriousness of what you are dealing with. That is why I keep harping on you. I don't want to see you hurt more than you already are.