my wife is leaving me and I am afraid it is too late to prove my love

[lou k]

About a month ago I came home from work at 4:30am (thats normal for my bussiness) I found that my wife was not home but my mother in-law was there watching the kids. I thought something was wrong. She had said that Pam (my wife) had gone out with her friends and had called and said she was too drunk to drive home and would soober up and come home later, this was at 1:30am. After I had heard this I tried to call my wife on her cell phone but it was turned off. She finally called at 8:00am and said she had passed out and they did not set the alarm clock. I had a tee time for golf at 10:00am and told her to get home asap. When she got home I left without saying a word. When I got home from golf that is when it all changed. I accussed her of cheating on me (this was the first time she had ever gone out all night and not came home) and starting calling her every name in the book. She had known about these plans for a week and never told me about them and there was no way she could of sobered up to come home because she did not have her car with her. She left and came back the next day and I contuined to accusse her and yell at her, I then went through her purse and threw everything at her (not violently) and ripped up all of her credit cards, I also went through her cell phone and started calling all the #'s on it (all her friends).

 

She left for the night and when I saw her the next day she had said it is over she was going to move out. She did not ask for the divorce but wanted to seperate. She had said she was sick of the verbal abuse, me not listening to her and that she was afraid of being in the house with me by herself. I just then realized what kind of man, husband and father I had become. (we have three girls under age 11)

 

A little history of our marriage. We had been together for 9 years and married for 7, our oldest daughter is from her first marriage, she had her at the age of 19. When I had meet my wife she said I swept her off her feet and we were meant for each other. Four years later we had our first daughter together and a year after that I left my wife for another woman. I just got up and left, We were apart for a year and to tell you the truth I was depressed for almost that whole year. I used to think about my wife everyday but for some reason could not bring myself to tell her I was sorry and that I loved her, I would call her aqnd we would get into fights. My realationship with with the other woman only lasted a couple of months but I could not go back to my wife I would find myself in another woman's arms again. Finally after a year of being unhappy I realized I abandoned my family and it was time to grow up. My wife took me back but we had to go see counsling. I of course thought we did not need it so I went into it with a closed mind. After about 4 sessions I told my wife we were fine and I truely was sorry, so we stopped going. After 2 1/2 years we bought a house and had another baby girl and that is about all that was good since she had taken me back. A year later she is moving out. I never allowed her to talk about anything or show any emotions. when she would bring up the affair I had I would tell her just forget it. I never had sex with her, I am not sure why she is very sexy, I worked alot and wanted her to be more creative and she was afraid of rejection from me. I was verbally abusive and was always angry ( I still dont know why). My wife has been taking prozak and said she always felt nervous in the house and around me, she was afraid of the way I would react if she tried to talk to me.

 

I have just realized in the last month how much I love my wife and what a terriable husband I was, I took her for granted. She did everything to make me happy and try to have a good marriage and I did nothing. To be honest I had no clue she was unhappy for the last few years and I did not think things were so bad (I was blind). My wife now says she is happier that she has ever been and she does not know if we will ever get back together, only time will tell she is taking it one day at a time. She is very mean to me right know, i try to explain to her I now see my faults and I am willing to become a better person but she says it is to late, that she wishes I would of said that awhile ago. She keeps telling me she needs her space to finish school and find herself, and in time she will see how she feels about us. I keep telling her I am sorry and I love her and I want her to fight for us and a least go to counsling to see if we can make this better but she says she is not ready for that yet and does not know if she will be. She still lives at home but is moving out in a month(she already signed a lease her mother is paying the rent) And says everytime I talk to her about us it pushes her farther away. I am just trying to tell her I am going to be a better person and I can be the husband she wants but she tells me to shut up and she leaves. She goes out everynight and does not come home till I fall asleep then I go to work in the morning. We really have not seen each other much in the last month even though we still live together.

 

I have started going back to church and finding christ, and attending a marriage class by myself (she wont go) I have also started to see a christan counsler and she said she would go next time if we talk about the kids. She also said she is not going into it with a open mind. She has made comments Like I am going to be sick when I tell I love her and I dont want her to go. I beg her to give me another chance and see counsling for us but she just gets pissed off and leaves. She has said I would have to make a big change for us to have any chance. I know I need to do this for myself and not for her but it hurts I feel like I have already lost my wife and my best friend who always supported me. She said she loves me but that is not enough, and that she does care for me but she needs to do this for her and the kids. She wants us to sell the house, she is throwing away pictures of us and cards we have written each other. I wish I knew what she is thinking I love this woman I wish I could of seen it eariler. She almost seems like she is cutting off all ties with me. If anyone could help me I would apperciate it I am very scared of what I could lose. There is more to say but this is already too long.

[zoomer]

Sounds to me like she's had enough...and been there for you over and over. She's endured more than she should have. She is saying mean things to you because after years of the same ole' same ole' she is convinced. When you tell her how sorry you are, your going to be a better person, you love her, etc...... those are just "words" to her. This is all just my opinion because I've had the same feelings and said some of the same things she is saying. I have to admit that she is a bigger person than I to have taken you back after a year and leaving for another woman... THEN you refuse to discuss it with her?? OH! Okay. Not trying to bash you...but you should have been doing anything or saying anything or talking about anything she wanted. All the words in the world will not make her listen to you. What she needs is for you to SHOW her all these things you are telling her now. Give her the space and the time to heal. She needs it. She also needs help dealing with her anger, because she sounds like a very angry woman inside. I've been there and she doesn't know how to deal with it other than leave what's making her angry. My thoughts exactly.

 

It's NEVER too late...You have 3 beautiful children that need you both and need you to be together. If you two made it through the other situation you both can endure this too. It may require separation and time, but if you continue to work towards proving what you say...she will have to listen to you one day, when she's ready. I wish you the best and Good Luck

[KirkCamp]

First off, it is good you are seeking counseling and are realizing some problems you have caused to contribute to this - speaking as a man, it's good to see since a lot of us out there are blind to the damage that we do (sorry but I've seen it too many times, even in myself at times). Bottom line, the only way you will get through to your wife is through your actions ... period. Respect her wishes, don't expect her to attend anything with you since that is completely her choice. This will take a long time, longer than you might like, but you have dug your own hole so far and are trying to fix what is broke. She has to make that choice to see if this will work - it is good she hasn't left you all together and you have to realize that most women would at this point or before this. Sorry to be harsh but I think you know some of this already and if you don't, you should.

 

Stay with the counseling, repair your life and your soul since that is all you can really do or are responsible for. Pray for forgiveness, pray for your family and that they can forgive your actions, pray that your wife will be all right after all this regardless if you're together or not. This will be a tough road to take, reconciling after your actions you've described and if your wife does decide to give you any kind of a chance, NEVER take it for granted. Good luck, stick with God the rest of your life, live as a good example for your family regardless of what happens and remember that all actions have consequences. I'll pray for you as well as I'm sure the rest of us so inclined will, too.

[zoomer]

KIRKCAMP-- I couldn't agree with you more! Perfectly said!

 

I will certainly keep your family in my prayers... Be patient and Wish you the best, again.

[hope&pray]

First congrats on reconciling the first time.

 

Like you have been told here, time and space and as little contact as possible. Try this site out also, it has a lot good info along with this one.

 

http://rrr.kimcm.dk/forum/profile.php?mode=register

 

There is a good book with very good info in it.

 

Good luck.

[sweet lou]

Thank you for the reply I am working on becoming a better person, it is just so hard to think that she wont be in my life. I know I have to leave her alone and give her her space but I am afraid she will not see the man I am trying to become. I am also scared she might find someone else and that will be it for me. She makes comments like "I will never get married again" and "I would like to be in a happy marriage with you but I dont know if I want to" these things make me feel like she is headed for divorce. If anyone has been in this same situation let me know how it turned out. I have been taking my kids to church and I have joined a couple of christian groups and I see sadness all over. If god is against divorce why does it happen to good people all the time. I am trying to find answers to questions that have none. I am accpeting god into my heart and praying that he helps me through thi time. I thank you for your prayers

[zoomer]

She may very well file for divorce...be prepared for that. She sounds like a very angry person right now and to be honest..with good reason. She is going to have to work through her anger and resentment on her own. It would be good if you could acknowledge to her that you know she is angry and resents you...and has good reason to... and that you will be willing to let her work through that etc., If you haven't already done this.

 

Your fears are normal for someone in your position but there are no answers for them. The only way to deal with them is accept what has happened, put it behind you and continue with your recovery in all aspects. Fear of the unknown and "what if's" will drive you crazy...put it away and deal with what you can change.

 

The most important thing you can do in my opinion is continue to show her over and over and over that you plan on sticking to what you are preaching now.

That's the only way she will see....by your actions. And this will take time, actions seem to change for a while then revert back to the same ole'...not that you will...but I would bet, that's what she's thinking, I did.

 

Don't know that I'm making sense here but you are certainly heading in the right direction whether it's with or without her. Your situation is going to require time....which is one of the hardest things to do...wait and be patient! Good Luck and my Prayers are with you and your family!