ARDriver01 Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 We've been together for three years, engaged for about one year. We returned from her office Christmas party, (she's the resident property manager of our apartment) and we're pretty buzzed. We take the dog for a walk and one of her residents flags us down to ask a "work-related" question; he wants to know if he can put up some Christmas lights in his window, to which I respond "Sure, that seems fine..." and my fiancé says "excuse me, YOU don't work here so just be quiet for a second." I try to let it go afterwards, as she complains about this particularly annoying resident. Then she goes "and furthermore, it really pisses me off when you try to talk to our residents as if you work here and know of their individual situations. This is MY job and you just live here" etc... basically just goes off on me. So, I become super defensive and I curse her out. I say "f**k you, you're out of your mind if you think you can talk to me like that in front of people, how dare you, f**k you, now I know how important it is, to you, that I know my place, try and condescend me in front of somebody one more time and see what happens, f**k you" etc... She says I'm just drunk, throws a beer to me, says goodnight and leaves. So now I'm awake, 4 hours later and I'm even more mad. She's still gone and I feel like smearing feces on her pillow. I know that my anger is valid and I'm still shocked that she did me like that in front of a neighbor. I'm beginning to question my attraction to her because of this. I think this revealing situation may have REALLY put a damper on our plans for June 2012. Does anyone have some sound advice? I'm clearly not drunk, neither of us has a drinking problem, so I would appreciate it if you wouldn't respond from the AA Bible. It was just a Christmas party. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Haven't you posted before? That there have been problems because residents don't want you telling them what to do? Like it or not, you aren't the property manager, she is, what is driving your need to dominate in this situation? When a situation comes up on the property why can't you just let her deal with the talking with the tenant, why is this so hard ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ARDriver01 Posted December 14, 2011 Author Share Posted December 14, 2011 Dominate? How am I dominating? And no, I don't have a history of trying to play property manager with residents. I'm not petty like that, I have my own job. This living situation is effed. She feels the need to remind of my "guest" status at every opportunity and I don't know why. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ARDriver01 Posted December 14, 2011 Author Share Posted December 14, 2011 Here's the thing, she misconstrues things that I say to our neighbors as me trying to play manager. The guy asks if he can put lights in his window, I'm looking at all the other units, one with an inflatable snowman out front and I'm like "sure, why not..." I was simply speaking my mind. Not acting on behalf of the Gd company. Oh good news! She's home now at 2am. Where was she? My best friends house. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Dominate? How am I dominating? And no, I don't have a history of trying to play property manager with residents. I'm not petty like that, I have my own job. This living situation is effed. She feels the need to remind of my "guest" status at every opportunity and I don't know why. I think my point is that you've posted about this situation in the past if my memory serves me correctly, the residents & your girlfriend's employer DON'T want you to be advising the tenants of anything. You don't talk to the tenant about the Xmas lights because it isn't your job to do so, why is it so hard for you to let her deal with talking to the tenants? Are you hoping to get her fired & see her become homeless? I don't approve of belittling anybody in front of other people but you've had this conversation before many times, she was standing right there & you butted in, why can't you let the woman do her job? Link to post Share on other sites
bean1 Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 (edited) Wow! If I was her, I'd be handing back the ring. That is likely what she was discussing with your best friend. Saying f*ck you multiple times in anger, "see what happens", want to smear feces? YOU have a serious anger problem. If you want any advice other than that you need to fix your own attitude, I wouldn't hold your breath. Well, that was easy to find: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t266536/ Edited December 14, 2011 by bean1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 The others are right in that it is not your place to advise the neighbors what they can and cannot do. It isn't your job or your right. Let your fiance do her job and stay out of her business. Does she come to your job and try to help or butt in? On that note, I say you both have serious communication issues. Feces on her pillow? Geez - that is harsh and no one deserves that for a mere mis-communication. You should apologize to her for trying to do her job. If you don't like the living situation, work together to find a better one but blaming her for reminding you that you are a guest (which you are) doesn't benefit either of you, but is obviously a sticking point for you. Sounds like you both need to talk to each other with a lot less angst and anger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ARDriver01 Posted December 14, 2011 Author Share Posted December 14, 2011 Even joking, sometimes she'll say things like "Well, it is MY apartment". She seems to hold it over me and uses it whenever she can. To me, it's her exercising dominance over me and I finally blew my top last night, which, in hindsight was not a good move. Look people, I'm not trying to do her job. If anything I'm just talking to my neighbor and she takes it too personally. I have no interest in doing her job. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 She doesn't want you talking to your neighbors about apartment matters. She's made that very clear, and you still do it. If you can't deal with that, you should move out. Get your own apt. Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Wow, she needs to leave you. You sound scary and potentially abusive. You want to smear feces on her pillow because she told you to quit interfering with her job? QUIT INTERFERING WITH HER JOB! It looks totally unprofessional when a resident asks HER a question and her boyfriend butts in to give his two cents. What do you know?? You don't work there! The way she corrected you was rude, but you escalated it and became completely psychotic and ridiculous. I say "f**k you, you're out of your mind if you think you can talk to me like that in front of people, how dare you, f**k you, now I know how important it is, to you, that I know my place, try and condescend me in front of somebody one more time and see what happens, f**k you" etc... Get anger management. I would leave you for that last line alone. THREATENING her like that because she doesn't want you interfering with her job? Are you kidding? This revealing situation SHOULD put a damper on your June 2012 plans because you are not suitable for marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 ARdriver dude, Listen to the posters here..you did butt into her job. Now, she reacted badly to it and placed herself in a position of being 100% right down to 80%, but it sounds as if you are stepping on her toes a little to often. Yes she did disrespect you, but you did it first..intentional or not. You can't change her, you can only change yourself and the way you react to her. Now man up, throw her a sincere apology, don't do it again and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ARDriver01 Posted December 14, 2011 Author Share Posted December 14, 2011 Even joking, sometimes she'll say things like "Well, it is MY apartment". She seems to hold it over me and uses it whenever she can. To me, it's her exercising dominance over me and I finally blew my top last night, which, in hindsight was not a good move. Look people, I'm not trying to do her job. If anything I'm just talking to my neighbor and she takes it too personally. I have no interest in doing her job. She holds this over my head like a power card. It wasn't like this when I was making more money. I've had to take a low paying job just to get by and this comes up again... I just lost it. I blew a gasket. I have no idea how to fix this. Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 The way you fix is this by apologizing sincerely. Don't make some half ass, lame apology "I'm sorry for what I said but you were wrong too". No buts in there. Anytime you stick in a "but" in an apology, it negates the part that comes before. After you apologize, look at your actions. I mean really look at them. You keep saying you don't want to do her job, but you are. You minimize what you do as simple comments. But really your comments aren't just your own opinions. Residents are going to think you're speaking for the resident manager (your girlfriend). You can't just say something to them then minimize it by saying "well, I'm just speaking my opinion which I have a right to do." Nope, doesn't work that way. A resident manager gives opinions about what kinds of decor is permissible according to the building's rules. You may not be aware of the latest rules, guidance, whatever. Yet you act like you do. If you want to say something, say it but immediately say you're not speaking for the resident manager and they need to check with her also. If you phrased it that way (and I don't think you have so far), that would make your opinions more acceptable. You have an anger management problem from what you've written here. Smearing feces on her pillow? All that cussing? Really..t? Seems really over the top. I would have left you if I were her. I think the larger issue here is you feel some how your manhood is threatened because this is her place and not yours. You're not making as much money as before. That eats away at you. You feel less than a man because of it. You need to find your own place. If the living situation bugs you this much, leave. Find your own place with a roommate to share the expenses if it's too expensive to live on your own. Continuing to live with your girlfriend at her place where she's the resident manager is going to lead to more problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 I know that my anger is valid and I'm still shocked that she did me like that in front of a neighbor. I'm beginning to question my attraction to her because of this. Based on your over the top response, I would imagine she's questioning her attraction to you as well. You think getting your ego bruised makes your anger valid? You flipped out yelling and swearing at her, you thought about smearing feces on her pillow, and you don't see a problem with that? The first part of this problem is the guy staring at you in the mirror. Work on that part, then you can re-evaluate your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Even joking, sometimes she'll say things like "Well, it is MY apartment". She seems to hold it over me and uses it whenever she can. To me, it's her exercising dominance over me and I finally blew my top last night, which, in hindsight was not a good move. Maybe she is doing it a lot, maybe it's just your perception because it's a blow to your ego. Ego is a primary human driving force and it gets a lot of people in trouble. You need to check yourself first, then sit down and have a reasoned discussion with her if warranted (i.e., if it truly is something she feels the need to hang over your head). Link to post Share on other sites
Author ARDriver01 Posted December 14, 2011 Author Share Posted December 14, 2011 It's setting in. I did blow it. She deserves somebody better. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 She deserves somebody better. Be that person she deserves. If you care about each other and you can see the problems that exist, work to fix those problems and become the better person that she deserves to have. In return, she may stop reminding you that you are a guest and you two will have more of a partnership. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 It's setting in. I did blow it. She deserves somebody better. What is settling in? That you have anger problems? (the cursing, feces comment) Or that you have been crossing boundaries in her work environment? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ARDriver01 Posted December 15, 2011 Author Share Posted December 15, 2011 Xoxowhatever: are you asking me question or just trolling? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 I think this is a two part scenario and no one wants to address with you the true issues. I read the responses and as a minority,I agree 100% that you have the right to speak your mind....the key is when. Personally her "manager" position after the company party was not "work". Why in heavens name would I listen to an apartment manager after she had a few drinks! She is not on the clock,so in that way....she doesn't get to pull the "authoritarian" card with you. She clearly discriminates on the tenants and uses her "title" to exert such. Secondly, you both can learn ALOT from how you communicate be it when arguing or merely discussing day to day matters. Actions speak louder then any words....her leaving and creating more drama is questionable. I would suggest that you start looking for a place where you can be treated as an equal and not her Put Down Boy. Have you considered that while her "dominating" character can be viewed as " a go getter,take charge attitude" it has run its course and hindered any chance for mutual regard. I am a lady and in no way would I even be friends with a person of her character.....She has more balls then those on my christmas tree...Date a Lady....not a christmas tree ... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 we're pretty buzzed Unfiltered view of the relationship. I'll second the 'move out' advice. I can see where this would end up if this situation continued after getting married. My advice, if you don't wish to break up, is to make it a long engagement. Make stowing the cussing and f-bombs job #1. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 Since she needs you to keep quiet while people ask her "job questions" and you won't respect her boundary - its YOU. Also - since you move to really angry and disrespectful words so readily (hurtful) - I hope you two don't marry until you show years of evidence that your core being has changed. No one needs that BS you dish out. That's not loving behavior. Move! Since you don't like it - move and pay all your own expenses. If I were her - I'd say "get out now!" Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 Xoxowhatever: are you asking me question or just trolling? I'm asking you a question. They are two separate issues. If you regret losing it (the cussing and feces remarks), but still thinks she is being too controlling about the apartment, nothing will improve. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 Whoa bro, chill out. You totally over reacted telling her FU too many times, that's just wrong and disrespectful. Sure, she shouldn't have said what she said in front of others to you, but you took it to another level. And wanting to smear sh..it on her pillow?? You are not property manager, she is. You two live together but again, it's HER job, not yours. So, the situation was handled badly, but you were in the wrong by answering that guys question. That was not your place to do.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ARDriver01 Posted December 15, 2011 Author Share Posted December 15, 2011 Thank you, last two posts. There ARE other issues at work here that led to my psychotic fit; this is a girl that routinely comes home, sour, loud and angry about work and takes it out on ME. She takes over the tv remote and sits there until bed time. If I'm watching something, she gets angry and makes me give her the remote. She has some kind of weird issue with her position as a property manager and has made me feel lower because of it. After being humiliated last night, I had just had enough of it. Am I slow to learn to keep out of her business? Absolutely, but this is something that she holds over me and it wasn't like this until she got this weird job. It's this stupid job thats effing up our relationship. We need to get out of here. Oh, she told me to leave for a few days. So I've got that going for me...which sucks because it's cold outside. Link to post Share on other sites
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