Finding somebody who shares your sense of attraction

[jobaba]

I'm starting to realize that a person's dating style/approach has a great deal of correlation to their persona and attributes and qualities.

 

For example, if you are the kind of person who says,

 

A) "I know I'm attracted to you the second I meet you, and there's nothing that can change that"

 

versus

 

B) "I don't base much on physical attraction. I need to get to know the person first. Their inner qualities draw me in."

 

Well, that's a big difference. And obviously there's a lot in between those two. But it's conceivable that A) and B) could hook up and end up in a relationship. But I think that the way a person approaches the idea of attraction says a lot about them. We also want a person who is interested in us for the same reasons we are interested in them. No? So, perhaps it's beneficial to seek out someone who shares the same approach to attraction. Of course, I squarely am a B) thinker. But I have dated people who think closer to A).

 

Now, I know what people are thinking. Jobaba, you're just ugly. It sucks to be you. Maybe so. But I've met women who aren't the greatest looking who are squarely A) thinkers.

 

I'm thinking of including this as a major determinant in future dating...

[carhill]

Here's the canaries:

 

Mutual interest. Whichever attraction style the lady has, her proactive and unilateral interest will be evident, and it will run to the intimate, even if not obviously sexual. She'll focus in on myself and her, not blather on about ex'es or the guy who's hitting on her at work.

 

Synergy. I'll find, without obvious discussion, that I match up well with her attraction style. People say a lot about themselves if one listens, and their actions match their words.

 

If I look back at every failure and friendzone incident or pattern, I was my failure to recognize and pay attention to those two simple canaries gasping their last breaths that doomed me.

 

IMO, one should never apologize or minimize or invalidate their natural attraction and intimacy styles. Such are part of who one is. Think about that. Think about all the women you've encountered. Did they change anything, elementally, for you? Life is a great teacher.

 

The only way, IMO, to 'find' someone is to experience a whole world of people. Do not limit yourself in any way. Recognize incompatibilities, accept them and move on without prejudice. Don't dwell on the negatives. A whole world of positives awaits.

[ditzchic]

Here's the canaries:

 

Mutual interest. Whichever attraction style the lady has, her proactive and unilateral interest will be evident, and it will run to the intimate, even if not obviously sexual. She'll focus in on myself and her, not blather on about ex'es or the guy who's hitting on her at work.

 

Synergy. I'll find, without obvious discussion, that I match up well with her attraction style. People say a lot about themselves if one listens, and their actions match their words.

 

If I look back at every failure and friendzone incident or pattern, I was my failure to recognize and pay attention to those two simple canaries gasping their last breaths that doomed me.

 

IMO, one should never apologize or minimize or invalidate their natural attraction and intimacy styles. Such are part of who one is. Think about that. Think about all the women you've encountered. Did they change anything, elementally, for you? Life is a great teacher.

 

The only way, IMO, to 'find' someone is to experience a whole world of people. Do not limit yourself in any way. Recognize incompatibilities, accept them and move on without prejudice. Don't dwell on the negatives. A whole world of positives awaits.

 

Carhill, you are one of the most insightful and wise posters on this forum. I think you need to write a book. Or get yourself a talk show

[GoodOnPaper]

I'm starting to realize that a person's dating style/approach has a great deal of correlation to their persona and attributes and qualities.

 

For example, if you are the kind of person who says,

 

A) "I know I'm attracted to you the second I meet you, and there's nothing that can change that"

 

versu

 

B) "I don't base much on physical attraction. I need to get to know the person first. Their inner qualities draw me in."

 

Well, that's a big difference.

 

Very insightful -- I wonder if there would be a correlation between your two categories and people who prefer opposites-attract (like your type A?) vs. likes-attract (like your type B?) relationships. From the get-go, I was a likes-attract person but every woman I met and thought would be a decent match for me -- if she wasn't already married or engaged -- was very intent on finding opposites-attract situations.

 

Even if you are a type (B) person, doesn't there have to be some kind of spark or inspiration at work to make you want to continue to spend time with the other person to provide the necessary time for their inner qualities to work their magic? And if so, how do you tap into that -- especially for those of us in the average or below-average part of the looks/charisma spectrum who likely need something besides the degree of the other person's physical attractiveness to provide that spark/inspiration? I think the answer is to find a short-term filter (in my case, syncing with my sense of humor) then take the time to see if the longer-term inspiration develops.

[ThaWholigan]

Here's the canaries:

 

Mutual interest. Whichever attraction style the lady has, her proactive and unilateral interest will be evident, and it will run to the intimate, even if not obviously sexual. She'll focus in on myself and her, not blather on about ex'es or the guy who's hitting on her at work.

 

Synergy. I'll find, without obvious discussion, that I match up well with her attraction style. People say a lot about themselves if one listens, and their actions match their words.

 

If I look back at every failure and friendzone incident or pattern, I was my failure to recognize and pay attention to those two simple canaries gasping their last breaths that doomed me.

 

IMO, one should never apologize or minimize or invalidate their natural attraction and intimacy styles. Such are part of who one is. Think about that. Think about all the women you've encountered. Did they change anything, elementally, for you? Life is a great teacher.

 

The only way, IMO, to 'find' someone is to experience a whole world of people. Do not limit yourself in any way. Recognize incompatibilities, accept them and move on without prejudice. Don't dwell on the negatives. A whole world of positives awaits.

 

Love this post. I concur with all of it

[verhrzn]

Me myself, I'm actually looking for someone who has the opposite attraction approach from me.

 

I am attracted to a person based largely on similar interests and inner qualities. But I want a guy whose initial attraction to me is looks.

[jobaba]

IMO, one should never apologize or minimize or invalidate their natural attraction and intimacy styles. Such are part of who one is. Think about that. Think about all the women you've encountered. Did they change anything, elementally, for you? Life is a great teacher.

 

I don't agree. I read something in another thread not 5 minutes ago about a woman wishing she was less superficial so she wouldn't get dicked over so much. As if it's something she has no control over. Really?

 

Dating a different woman always changes my overall philosophy on women in general. Every time I think I have it figured out, there's another curveball. So, you're right. Just have to keep plugging.

 

Even if you are a type (B) person, doesn't there have to be some kind of spark or inspiration at work to make you want to continue to spend time with the other person to provide the necessary time for their inner qualities to work their magic? And if so, how do you tap into that -- especially for those of us in the average or below-average part of the looks/charisma spectrum who likely need something besides the degree of the other person's physical attractiveness to provide that spark/inspiration? I think the answer is to find a short-term filter (in my case, syncing with my sense of humor) then take the time to see if the longer-term inspiration develops.

 

Oh, the sparks come. Two of the women I had insane feelings for I didn't have much initial attraction for. I don't know. In the past, I just hung with a woman if she seemed cool and interesting and did the friends first thing in volume. No longer. My current approach is more of a like something about them and filter out from there.

[ThaWholigan]

Me myself, I'm actually looking for someone who has the opposite attraction approach from me.

 

I am attracted to a person based largely on similar interests and inner qualities.But I want a guy whose initial attraction to me is looks.

 

Well, yeah of course......but why place so much significance on this??

[carhill]

I don't agree. I read something in another thread not 5 minutes ago about a woman wishing she was less superficial so she wouldn't get dicked over so much. As if it's something she has no control over. Really?

 

If she is attracted to men superficially, meaning it is the outside things, like looks, wallet size, etc which attract her, that's who she is. There is someone for her in the big wide world. I think that's a completely valid attraction style and have met multitudes of women who embrace and live it. Are they compatible with myself? Nope, mainly because I don't match up with them either in the specifics of what they're attracted to and, more elementally, the psychology of intimate relationships. That's OK. Neither of us misses out just because we miss (each other) due to these incompatibilities.

 

If said lady wishes to change aspects of herself which she finds negatively impact her relationships with the world, that's valid. If such attraction style inhibits her ability for form intimate platonic and romantic relationships, it could bear scrutiny. If she has happy and fulfilling relationships with her natural style, then that.

 

Myself, I've never had any issues in general forming healthy relationships, rather merely having had issues comprehending and accepting incompatibilities as absolutes, rather 'giving the benefit of the doubt' and bending too far away from my natural and healthy style of intimacy and romance.

 

Rather than worry about or become preoccupied with the psychology of others, focus on synergy and symmetry; if it fits, that; if not, that. Stay or go without reservation or prejudice.

[verhrzn]

Well, yeah of course......but why place so much significance on this??

 

Because I want a guy who finds me hot. Not "attractive," but physically attractive. The kind of guy who first saw me across a room and thought," She is among the hottest/most beautiful women I have ever seen."

 

We all have wants and needs in a romantic relationship, built from our personality and from our experiences, and that is mine. Simple as that.

[ThaWholigan]

Because I want a guy who finds me hot. Not "attractive," but physically attractive. The kind of guy who first saw me across a room and thought," She is among the hottest/most beautiful women I have ever seen."

 

We all have wants and needs in a romantic relationship, built from our personality and from our experiences, and that is mine. Simple as that.

 

Fair enough, thinking about it, I would also like to be with a woman who thought I was hot. I've met them so they do exist, I just need to find them hot too

[somedude81]

Far as I've experienced the vast majority of women are type A.

 

If she's not attracted to me the first time we meet, she never will be. It doesn't matter what I do, I can never change her mind.

[Cypress25]

Forgive me for being confused, but aren't most people both A and B thinkers? Physical attraction is obvious right away, but emotional attraction takes time because you have to get to know each other. And you need both physical and emotional attraction for a romantic partnership, don't you?

[carhill]

Define 'right away'. IMO, that process is as unique as each of us and the thread is about finding somebody who shares a synergistic perspective on such matters.

[GoodOnPaper]

Forgive me for being confused, but aren't most people both A and B thinkers?

 

Yes but in different proportions. Those of us who don't do well on the physical attraction side have to cast a wide net in that regard and try to hone in on the emotional attraction part ASAP.

[Cypress25]

Define 'right away'. IMO, that process is as unique as each of us and the thread is about finding somebody who shares a synergistic perspective on such matters.

 

I mean you can tell right away if you like the way a person looks. All it takes is one glance to know if you find that person physically attractive. Of course, you won't know if the other person feels the same way about you.

 

It seems kind of strange to go looking for someone who shares your perspective because you can't know their perspective unless you ask them. And that's not the kind of thing I'd feel comfortable asking on the first few dates.

[carhill]

They demonstrate their perspective through their presence and actions. I will disagree and say, for myself, I do not immediately see any woman as physically attractive or not. You also won't see me talking about women as a collection of body parts. My perspective is no less nor more valid than yours.

 

What you're doing here is explaining how the process works for you. The work is accepting the the process is different for everyone because there is no one else in the world like you, except for you. If you meet someone with whom synergy exists, the process is close enough to yours that you and that person find yourselves on a similar path.

 

Have you ever seen a picture of a man you found attractive in photographs and then, upon meeting him, changed your opinion or felt differently about him? Most people have. That could go both ways. You could be 'meh' about his photo and then in person he knocks you out. I see threads like this all the time on LS, since OLD is very common these days. Then there's people who start up the modern version of 'pen pals' and, upon meeting, find the attraction immense. What I'm describing is a multiplicity of attraction 'styles', of which yours, immensely valid, is just one.

 

Essentially, the dozens or hundreds of women who over the decades have said 'no' upon first meeting shared your style. They made a snap decision without any other consideration, or obviated other positive contact for that one aspect. There was no synergy. The styles were mismatched. A woman with a compatible style could still say 'no', but that might take a few dates as she comes to that decision based on factors other than immediate physical attraction. Those were fewer but still a marked component.

 

In your particular circumstances, there is no reason nor motivation to change your intrinsic attraction style, as you have success with it. That in an of itself doesn't make it 'right' or 'wrong', rather your unique path. Each person can have their own success and the OP is seeking his particular path to his success. That won't be the same as yours, or mine. He's not you, nor me.

[carhill]

Here's a thread exemplifying a different and unique attraction style from my own. There appears to be at least two ladies so far who, not ever having met this purportedly newly retired, not sure if he's married or divorced professional hockey player, want to jump his bones and/or have his babies, all from a picture on an internet dating site, never having had any personal contact with him at all and not even being sure if the man on the dating site is really the hockey player or not.

 

The corollary would be me perusing a dating site and going 'I'd fµck her' or 'nah, not with my worst enemy's dick'. That just never happens. I don't segregate people that way, though do in other ways. It defines our differences in attraction style. Is that necessarily incompatible? IMO, no. There could be synergy where one could find my picture attractive and I could come to find her attractive through personal interaction and we find that result to be mutually satisfying. It's one potential.

[Leigh 87]

My boyfriend was instantly attracted to my body, upon first meeting - I was a gym junkie, great body, nice skin, nice hair,and straight teeth, etc.

 

However, I DID NOT have a great personality - I was socially awkward and not around people much.

 

 

About 10 months later, I have let myself go a little, gained about gained about 12 lbs, and am not as PHYSICALLY attractive to look at.

 

My boyfriend is much mroe attracted to me NOW, because I have developed a nicer personality, I am so different to when he first met me, I have changed for the better, and he is far more attracted to me.

 

 

As we all would know - a smoking hot girl, who is not fun and great to be around, will instantly make a guy want to f*ck her;

 

Where as, a less attractive girl who is an amazing person, if a guy admires her and totally adores her for who she is - THAT attarcted is MUCH stronger, than the instant " sex appeal" a women gives off.

 

 

I would guess, that a beautiful looking women would attract men, but that attraction is fleeting. However, pretty people do have it easier, in a way; a stunning girl who is pleasant to be around ( but not amazing) will be mroe attractive, then a cool chick who is average.

 

 

I find, a less attractive or average women, has to be an AMAZING person, and a guy has to REALLY grow to love them, in order to get that sence off attraction, that a beautiful women will get much easier ( by just being pleasant and nice enough).

 

 

What I am saying, is: it may be easier to give a beautiful women a CHANCE at dating, if they r simply quiet nice to be around; where as, an average women, really has to be AMAZING to a guy, for him to bother.

[jobaba]

Forgive me for being confused, but aren't most people both A and B thinkers? Physical attraction is obvious right away, but emotional attraction takes time because you have to get to know each other. And you need both physical and emotional attraction for a romantic partnership, don't you?

 

Nothing is the same for everybody.

 

A lot of people pigeonhole you into attractive or nonattractive on the first meeting, yes or no. And would never date the latter.

 

Others who find people unattractive at first will date you if other factors, including emotional are there.

 

Still others will cast a very wide net when it comes to looks and still be able to date someone who doesn't fall within that net.

 

I've learned (partially from this site) that dating and relationship needs are so different for any two people. Thus, this thread idea.