Lost Lovers

[izsel]

Ok, here is the deal. Everyone has a first love. And I met mine 12 years ago. We were together two years. We lived together, we were engaged, I had a miscarriage... gosh so much... emotional stuff. When we broke up (mind you I was 20), we desided to stay friends. And we did. But, I couldn't let go. And neither could he. We weren't ever sexual again, but there was a bond (is a bond), that can't be broken. About six months after we broke up I ran into his new girlfriend and we talked. (I had already talked to her on the phone before, but this was the first time meeting face to face.) It was a strange meeting. But she was very nice. Weird! The last thing she said to me was, "Wilson cries himself to sleep every night ... and I asked him what is wrong ... he said, 'I'm still in love w/ Dawn.' So I told him to go back to you and he said he just can't." Then a year later he got married (to this girl) and he called me on his wedding day! So, the next year I got married, thinking that I am over him, I had a baby with my husband, Wilson calls me and tells me he wishes this baby was his! After that, I was floored! This man is still in love with me. And my husband had been cheating on me and mentally abusing me, so I started thinking about Wilson! I thought of him everyday, just to get through my day. Then about three years later, I run into Wilson (by this time I have 2 kids and am devorced), my 3 yr. old runs to him and calls him Daddy! I was soooo embarrested. But, he said he didn't mind, in fact, he wanted her to. Well, that night we happened to be at the same party and we spent the night together. Now, I know what you're thinking, but no way, Wilson is too much of a gentleman for that. We Did Not Have Sex. We didn't even fool around. We stood up all night talking about the past, we laughed we cried and by the time morning came he had his fingers running through my hair. I asked him then if I moved closer to him (since we broke up, he had moved to a different state), would there be a chance for us, his responce? "I don't know." Needless to say, I didn't move down there. Now, I am remarried again (we've been married two years), and guess what, I ran into Wilson again! (It's been four years since the last time I saw him). I honestly thought I was over him, but when he looked into my eyes, I couldn't stand. I almost fell to my knees. This man is my life, I love him. I don't know if he loves me. I don't know what it is, but will our lives ever cross again? And if so, will we be ready? Oh, and when we (my husband & I) said good-bye to Wilson he said (looking right into my eyes), "It's been a pleasure, as always, Sweetheart!"

 

Drama, Drama, Drama!!! That is my life! There are some people who think he is just playing games with me, you know, the just in case girl? But, he has never treated me like that. By the look of him, he looks like a tough guy, but he is such a gentleman. Let me bring you back to the first time I met him.

 

It was the fall of 1992 ... I was a homeless run away and at the time a very nice woman let me stay in her home for free and in exchange I would clean her house and watch her kids (basically I was her Nanny). Her next door neighbor often did laundry over at her house (this was Wilson's sister). After a while we became very close friends and she had suggested that I meet her brother. At first I was very hesitant. Up to that point, I had given my body up in exchange for a place to stay. I didn't trust men and as much as I trusted my friend, I just wasn't ready. But fortunatly, for me, she didn't care. Later that day she came over with her brother. I was in the downstairs shower and she was yelling through the door, "Hurry up, I have to go pick up my mother's birthday cake!" So, I jump out of the shower, my hair is soaking wet and all I have on is a towel. I opened the door and there he was. Straight across the room

leaning against the door frame wearing a long trench coat and black sun glasses. I know I must have been blushing, so I tried to walk fast, but I had to take a closer peak at him as I walked by him. As I did, he lowered his sun glasses and those eyes. Those beautiful dark eyes were looking right through me. I know I must have been smiling, because he smiled at me. From that moment on, we were unseperable. Love at first sight? I never believed it, til then. I loved him the moment he looked at me with those eyes. I knew then that he would be the man that I would love for the rest of my life. I have so many memories with this man. Some are yummy and some are horrible. The first night we spent together, we didn't have sex. His sister was sure I was gonna give it up. But, I knew I loved this man and I didn't want to screw it up (no pun intended). We watched "White Men Can't Jump" and talked until I thought I would pass out. Ok, I wasn't a complete angel. We did kiss, a lot! And I let him touch me on and in my blossom (with his fingers). What I didn't know, was that he was dating someone else, while he was dating me. I soon found out and gave him an altamatum. ME or HER! We fought, he said he hated me and vise-versa. By now, I was living with his sister and this put a small strain on our relationship. I had made better on my life. Obviously, I wasn't giving my body to every guy out there and I had a job. But technically, I was still homeless. Anyway, about two weeks after this fight with Wilson (and not seeing or speaking with him), he called me around 1:30am. He had been drinking and he was closer to his sister's house than his own. So, he was calling to see if he could crash there. I told him, "No!" There was silence. He quitely said OK and hung up. About 10 min. later he was knocking on the door. I went down stairs and I knew that if I didn't let him in then, I probably would be finding a new place to live the next day. So, the sofa I was sleeping on was now his and I would sleep with my God-daughter. As I was ready to walk to her room, Wilson said, "Wait, Dawn, we need to talk." Chills went down my spine. As angry as I was with him, I still loved him and I wanted him to choose me, not that other girl! I walked back into the living room and sat on the floor, opening (and finishing) a pack of Newports. I couldn't look at him. If I did, I knew I would grovel and probably cry. I had to be strong. So, I finally said (with out looking at him), "So, what do you want?" ... again, there was silence. And then he said something to me, no man had ever said to me, (whyspering) "I love you". MY HEART STOPPED!! I choked back some tears and I said (my voice

shaking), "What did you say?" He reached over and softly, lovingly, passionatly, cupped my face and pulled my face up so I was looking into his eyes (now I was crying), "I said, I love you.!" He leaned toward me and kissed my tears running down my face. I told him I loved him too. That night we made love for the first time. The next day, he invited this other girl over to his mother's house (with me there) and told her in front of me, that it was over and he loved me! I moved in with him (at his parents house). A few months later we moved into our apt. (My first real home, since I ran away from home!)

 

The next two years of my life were, on the most part, heaven. We often did special things for each other. Things, I have never done for anyone else since then. Now, let me bring you back to reality, I was 20 and he was 19 when we broke up. He was into partying (like any normal 19 year old would be), but I wanted to get married and have children. We started drifting apart and one night we were lying in bed turned opposite ways. I turned to him & said, we have to talk. He agreed. I told him that I loved him more than anything in my life so far and because of that I had to let him go. I wanted us to break up on good terms, not fighting. He started crying which in turn, I started crying. He knew I was right. For the next hour we held each other and cried. Then I asked him if he could make love to me one last time. He said he was thinking the same thing, but was afraid to ask me. That night was the best sexual experience of my life. We cried and laughed during our love making. The next day, he left and I moved back into my Mom's house.

 

Now, you know what has happened since we broke, how we met and why we broke up. But what about what made me love him, not just because he is gorgous. Gorgous, what is gorgous? Well, he's hispanic, but not too dark. He has dark brown hair and almost black eyes. He stands 5' 8". He has a muscluar build, mustache and gote. His hair is straight (only because he straightens it), he is very much "metrosexual". If a man could be beautiful, he would be it. I guess, you could say he's, "eye candy". Everything that he does is very sexy. His walk, his six pack, his bare chest except for a line of hair from the bottom of his belly button to ... well you know. And while we're on the subject, that part of his body is, well, let's say he's well indowed.

 

But Wilson listened. He was honest, sometimes so much, you wish he wasn't, but he was never rude. He was always interested in meeting any of my friends. In fact we hooked up my best friend, with his best friend. He was a very hard worker. Sometimes he worked two jobs. He was always calling me "his wife". We rarely fought, but on those rare occasions, we were spit fire! :lol:

 

And, women, come on ... if you haven't found one, isn't it a dream of yours to find the romantic one? God! He was it! He always bought me something, weather it was flowers, candy, clothes, jewlery ... and it wasn't just the stuff that he bought, either. Massages til I fell asleep, he would bathe me, and sometimes when he thought I was asleep I could hear him whyspering things. Sometimes they were in spanish and I didn't know what he was saying and other times I could hear him say, "I don't know what I'd do with out you."

 

Too good to be true? Yeah, I think that's how I jinked myself. Sometimes I wondered what would ever cause us to break up? I couldn't fathum my life with out him! I started to become very needy, insecure, asking him where he was going, were there any girls at the party he was going to. I freaked! I created a monster within myself! That was the beginning of the end. I started not to trust him, he wasn't the same loving man he used to be (and me being stupid and niave, had no idea that it was me that was pushing him away). So, I just assumed that he was cheating on me, so guess what I did? Yup! I did. I cheated on him! No, you don't have to say it, I've been kicking myself in the ass for the past 10 years! And then to make matters worse, I wanted him to know, so I told his friends! Well, that night he didn't come home from work. In fact, he didn't come home for about two days. And then when I thought I couldn't stand it any longer I woke up (one morning) and found him sleeping in the living room. I sat beside him, I started crying and told him I was sorry and he started crying and he said he slept with someone last night (in the back of her car). Now, I knew how it felt! We tried to make it work after that, and at some point I know we did, but all in all the romatics were gone. The damage was done. He was hurt and afraid of getting hurt again. We went to the beach a few times to try to rekindle what we had and try to get our friendship back as well, but it wasn't until we broke up that we were able to heal and become friends. But when the healing was over (at least for me), I wanted to try again. But, he told me he wasn't ready, but he would always love me. So, every time we did something in our new lives apart (that we thought we should have done together), we would let the other know, and we wished it would have been with the other, not with our new partners. But, here we are, both been married, both have children, both in relationships ... and every time I see him, I still wish it was me he was loving. And I wonder if he thinks the same thing when he sees me.

[Bobbie]

I think there sometimes are strong beautiful connections between people even when it doesn't work out.

 

We've been conditioned by the movies where it always works out...real life is so different.

 

But don't be disappointed, having a friend and shared history down the years is quite something.

[JCTinsurrey]

I agree, some people not all do find a?"soulmate" i guess you could call it, and where or when ever you do both get it together thats for fate to make it's call, if its meant to be, then it will happen, your heart will tell you and lead you there. Be glad you have this special relationship

[kirkyswife]

Okay usually I am so anti OW/OM but your spouses were the Others - Seems to me like Real Love conquers all - Go to your destiny

[CurlyIam]

He's married, you're married. YOu have tried in the past numerous times... What if it is time to let go? To just be happy with the family you have, with a man there for you, loving you, you can rely on...

 

Mind you, I am all for fighting to the last drop of blood for your chance of being happy when in a couple. You both missed that chance. More than once.

 

So move on and try to be at peace with yourself, not asking yourself tones of questions, "what if" 's can kill any happy home! You're a mature woman, let drama back in your 20's and fight for a nice quiet life for you and for your kids.

 

 

Curly

 

P.S.to me, he's reaction when meeting you was an acknowledging of the important role you once played in his life, not a "came back into my life!".Even if it was, it is on you to decide!