I don't know what the best way to cope really is..

[YuGr.]

For those who don't remember me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t290521/

 

Alright here's the thing, I've been almost forcing myself to think about her constantly since the beginning of this mess. I think to myself thinking about her constantly and looking at her fb and new bf's fb 3-4 times a day will make me hurt less when something DOES pop up. For example, couple weeks ago I didn't look at their stuff on fb for a day and then the next morning there was a new picture of them and i freaked out, cut my appetite.

 

I just never been broken up with before, this is all new to me and I'm constantly thinking about how to deal with this the best way. I'm scared I don't cope with it properly and it'll come back around later or something. I'm forcing myself to dwell on it to make sure I can then move on in a healthy way...

 

I guess in a way.. I just feel like its not okay to be okay. I feel guilty when I'm happy, as if I shouldn't be.. I still truly miss her at times that's for sure, but just some times I feel like I force myself to. I'm afraid to completely let go because I'm scared it'll hurt more if I learn something about her or anything like that without having thinking about her for a long time.

 

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you guys, but it sure as hell feels real to me.

 

How exactly am I suppose to cope with this?.. She's the kind of girl who doesn't dwell on things. She'll be heart broken and force herself into another relationship and forget about her ex's. It's caught up with her and it makes her really an unhealthy person inside, among with other self identity issues. I don't want to be that guy who never got over her ex kind of thing...

 

Any help is greatly appreciated, thanks

[YuGr.]

Nothing?.. :/

[esteem-jam]

If you see on her FB picture of them kissing, then maybe she didnt put it up to hurt you (sick cuckolding way), but it will probably be as you said, she can get into other relationship quickly.

I found odd this your technique of keeping the pulse on your pain- when you saw enough bad stuff on her FB, you got enough for a while, then you calm down and repeat.

[davesterr]

i hate repeat scenarios when the question is such a general one on this forum.

what can i say?

you feel guilty about feeling happy but then again you are no longer together.

it's not cheating and unless you are still a couple in you mind , then you shouldn't feel guilty.

she dumped you , shes dating someone else.

it's pretty clear she's not coming back.

 

so to wrap it up:

unless you let go of her and the hope of getting back together , you will not heal.

only when you give up all your hope and fantasy you build up of you and her together will you be able to move on and benefit from nc.

and when that day finally happens , you will find yourself on your own and having to make your own happiness.

 

sorry if this reply is short but the whole forum is basicly of the same advice of how to cope.

the hardest part isn't how.

the hardest part is actually willing to.

you have to want to move on.

if you don't then you never will.

and when you never will , you will never feel better.

that's how i see it.

 

ps: you said: deep inside i still want her back.

this is the reason why you don't feel better.

you still either want her back or have hope of getting her back.

unless you either get her back or let her go completely , nothing will change.

[Kamila]

Well, someone that posts a picture of them kissing someone else means... ?

That they're dating again and want to show the world they're very happy ?

That they want to show you that they're over you ?

They just wanted to share their happiness with the entire FB community ?

 

Either way, we don't know. My ex-bf did the same and at first I was crushed.

The hope was gone the second I saw the picture.

But then again, the feelings helped me moving on. I was free. And if I should date someone else in the future, I would feel less guilt.

And now that I think of it, if my ex-bf really cared for me he would have considered my feelings for him and NOT posted that picture.

That's proof that I'm better off without him.

 

Some advice to you would be that you don't go on your ex's FB.

You're just hurting yourself which is not good.

[betterdeal]

The thing about pining over an ex and obsessing over them is it's remarkably stable. It requires very little dependency on other people's wishes. You can do it day in, day out, and nobody can ruin it for you. Sure, it may be killing you inside ever so slowly but, like smoking cigarettes, it's familiar and stable. And when you're not sure of yourself, having something stable and secure, like an obsession or an addiction, is like having a blanky.

 

And the more you obsess over it, the less likely you're going to meet someone new and actually get involved in a real life relationship instead of peering into someone else's by the magic of Facebook. It's easier to be a spectator than a participant. The more you watch, the less likely it is you'll be on the touchline, being depended on by others, being part of something, being involved. And that saves you from the cheers and boos and making mistakes and getting hurt.

 

But when everyone goes home, to their own beds, the quarterbacks and goalkeepers, the fly half and the wingers aren't going back to crack one out to internet porn before crying themselves to sleep.

 

It's fully understandable that you are afraid to give up this stable thing in your life, but when you're ready to, when you're ready to get back on the pitch and contribute, you'll look back and wonder why you spent so much time being one of life's spectators. So ready yourself, summon up that courage from within, and dare to let go.

[YuGr.]

But you see, realisticly how can someone possibly 'let go' as you claim Dave? This was my first real love, I don't really enjoy bein single and she's all I ever really knew. I don't see how its possible for me or anyone else in my situation with first true love after 2 and a half years to simply not think about her coming back occasionally.. At least until you meet someone new. It just seems odd to me that you can 'let go' as you make it sound.

 

I feel like I'll never 'let go' by those standards, ill face it, she'll be on mt mind for a while still, and yeah part of me will hope she comes back a little.. I don't let it run my life however.

 

Although, I do appreciate the good times we had together, as I keep being told, I'm sure this is just the first of many. I don't see her coming back again this time but who knows with her, either way I think I do 'accept' both those cases. But not in the same standards as you claim they should be. Does that make sense? Perhaps you can enlighten me..

 

P.S. it's probably harder for me we've gotten back together twice since the actual break up, left the same current bf twice for us then went back each time. So it's hard for me to think 'it's pretty clear she's not comin back'

Edited December 15, 2011 by YuGr.
Added info

[bbronco]

P.S. it's probably harder for me we've gotten back together twice since the actual break up, left the same current bf twice for us then went back each time. So it's hard for me to think 'it's pretty clear she's not comin back'

 

She came back and left you twice? I don't think this is a sign that she's coming back for good..it's a sign that she has absolutely no feelings of remorse or guilt for her actions.

 

Leaving you twice and putting make out pics on FB shows not even a sliver of concern or care for your feelings. I understand what you're saying about your inability to just forget and move on, I'm in the same boat. But if anything, you need to foster some resentment and bitterness towards how she's treated you to help soothe the pain a little bit.

 

I know I'd forgive my ex in a heartbeat if he came back despite his douchey behavior as of late...but to get you through the day in the moment, you can't accept their actions.

[davesterr]

But you see, realisticly how can someone possibly 'let go' as you claim Dave? This was my first real love, I don't really enjoy bein single and she's all I ever really knew. I don't see how its possible for me or anyone else in my situation with first true love after 2 and a half years to simply not think about her coming back occasionally.. At least until you meet someone new. It just seems odd to me that you can 'let go' as you make it sound.

 

I feel like I'll never 'let go' by those standards, ill face it, she'll be on mt mind for a while still, and yeah part of me will hope she comes back a little.. I don't let it run my life however.

 

Although, I do appreciate the good times we had together, as I keep being told, I'm sure this is just the first of many. I don't see her coming back again this time but who knows with her, either way I think I do 'accept' both those cases. But not in the same standards as you claim they should be. Does that make sense? Perhaps you can enlighten me..

 

P.S. it's probably harder for me we've gotten back together twice since the actual break up, left the same current bf twice for us then went back each time. So it's hard for me to think 'it's pretty clear she's not comin back'

 

You will prolly always love your ex as she was your first love.

And i never said that should change.

However with letting go i mean , accept that the relationship is over.

And don't expect her to come back.

If she does come back , good but don't wait on it.

 

Your heart will never be fully healed untill you meet someone else you love as much or if not more.

And untill you do you will always think back of your ex.

None of this is bad however you must realise that in order to heal you must ''let go of getting back together'' and start living your life to the fullest.

I know it's hard bro and you can't stop loving your ex and the good thing is you never have to.

But untill you give up and stop waiting and hoping and somehow thinking you're getting back together while feeling guilty when you're happy on your own while she's living her life prolly dating other guys , you won't see any improvements of getting better.

 

Then again that's how i see it and that's what's working for me.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Oh goodness...

 

Take things one day at a time, don't feel guilty for being happy --- appreciate the moments when you are. You are not "betraying" her to let go. She's betrayed you though... doesn't matter her reasons behind it. That they were more important than you is all you need to know.

 

Good luck --- I'm in the same boat of attempting to cope and let go in as healthy of a way as possible and I don't really know wtf to do either but, I do know that appreciating the moments of joy that do come is really helpful. As is trying to be easy on yourself right now.

Edited December 15, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[YuGr.]

Thanks for clearing that up Dave, with that last post i understand what you meant more. I thought what you were advising might be impossible.

 

I just feel kind of dazed about the whole thing. I don't hope on her coming back, and with every day that passes without her it slowly nudges her out of my life. I just want to hear you guys out on the way I'm coping is healthy and the best way or not.

 

With that being said, I, for the first time, have not looked at her, her bf's or her sisters fb since I posted this thread. My next question to you guys would be: Should I think about her or should I try not to? I feel like maybe if I push away thoughts of her it might come back harder in the long run or something alike. But then again I don't want to dig myself a hole and depend on those moments where u sit on te metro and decide im gonna think about her and go look on loveshack etc.. How much time dedicating to her is okay and what isn't?

[Thieves]

For those who don't remember me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t290521/

 

Alright here's the thing, I've been almost forcing myself to think about her constantly since the beginning of this mess. I think to myself thinking about her constantly and looking at her fb and new bf's fb 3-4 times a day will make me hurt less when something DOES pop up. For example, couple weeks ago I didn't look at their stuff on fb for a day and then the next morning there was a new picture of them and i freaked out, cut my appetite.

 

I just never been broken up with before, this is all new to me and I'm constantly thinking about how to deal with this the best way. I'm scared I don't cope with it properly and it'll come back around later or something. I'm forcing myself to dwell on it to make sure I can then move on in a healthy way...

 

I guess in a way.. I just feel like its not okay to be okay. I feel guilty when I'm happy, as if I shouldn't be.. I still truly miss her at times that's for sure, but just some times I feel like I force myself to. I'm afraid to completely let go because I'm scared it'll hurt more if I learn something about her or anything like that without having thinking about her for a long time.

 

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you guys, but it sure as hell feels real to me.

 

How exactly am I suppose to cope with this?.. She's the kind of girl who doesn't dwell on things. She'll be heart broken and force herself into another relationship and forget about her ex's. It's caught up with her and it makes her really an unhealthy person inside, among with other self identity issues. I don't want to be that guy who never got over her ex kind of thing...

 

Any help is greatly appreciated, thanks

 

I understand what you're saying here, YuGr., as I had the same kind of question when a little while back I was in the worst pain imaginable (for me, at least.) To be honest, it really depends on how you are as a person. Some people are more "do-ers" than "thinkers", meaning that they tend to 'ruminate' and think on their problems more than other people who are do-ers and try patching up their pain by doing various things (some healthy, some not) and not allowing themselves to think so much about their problems. Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with being either one. We each need a good balance of both.

 

So it depends on how you are. I'm not saying you should force yourself to think of her, but sometimes there's only so much you can do... and sometimes you just have to sit and wait out, or 'think out' the pain for a bit, or else it comes to a point where you're just avoiding what comes natural to you as someone with a broken heart, which is to grieve. Thinking about the pain and what has happened is natural, especially in the earlier stages of a break-up. The important part is not letting it take you over...

[CopingGal]

I think the best thing to do is volunteer work for a very worthy cause. Volunteer in a group home for children, volunteer at a blind school, do something great. Volunteering has helped me tremendously.

[motive2002]

Hey Yugr

 

First of all, the chili peppers are awesome! Secondly YOU are awesome!

Why am I buttering you up this way? Well let me tell you...

 

You see, you have these strong feelings, and you seem to be in touch with your emotions. That alone means you are an awesome person, and one that's worthy to be with. I want you to hold onto that one for a while....

 

While you are feeling like the awesome person that you are, I want you to understand that it's OK to be feeling the way you are right now. A lot of us go through this in such crazy ways you'd think we'd all need to be committed. (as in committed to an insane asylum, not to a partner haha)

 

So, awesome Yugr, give yourself extra points for handling things as well as you are... and as you do that, I'm going to dispense my crazy advice (it's worth what you pay for!)

 

Ok right off Facebook is the devil's incarnate. Looking at your ex on Facebook is like sprinkling a little salt on an open wound from time to time just for the hell of it. MMmm.. that hurt like hell! Maybe I'll do it again tomorrow!

The best cure for that is to take the leap and UNFRIEND/BLOCK your ex from Facebook. You don't need to rationalize this to anyone but yourself. Don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings. You gotta get that salt shaker you're so fond of out of your hands! The sooner the better! That open wound isn't gonna heal until you take some steps to bandage it so you can move on with the business of living your life!

 

Another thing is letting go. Yes it IS scary. Now I'm gonna get all armchair psychologist on you. Ever get lost in the woods, or a department store or something like that when you were a kid? Ever think you'd be left there all alone and nobody would find you? (mommy, daddy, legal guardian, what have you)?

It's a fear of abandonment. We all have it to some degree and when you're grown up it's irrational.. but still there.

 

bout the only thing I can come up with for that, is you gotta be as independent as you can be. Feel secure with yourself knowing that you can take care of yourself.. all by yourself. Do things that you enjoy, or that are fulfilling to you... FOR you. You've got one person your whole life you gotta take care of first. That's YOU (well until you have kids anyway).

 

As far as what she (the ex) is like? She forces herself into a new relationship.. yadda yadda.. etc..? Wait a sec.. are you DEFENDING her? Ok let's stop that right now. So she's unhealthy. Well, that's good INFORMATION for you to have, because that means you probably wouldn't be happy with her in the long run, aside from the obvious "she dumped you and is dating some other guy" thing.

You are in no way responsible for her feelings, her actions.. anything! If she decided to take this new guy of hers to Nepal and live in a hut, it's her business. Once you decide to stop making her business yours, you'll be in a much, much better place.

 

I know this.. I've been there myself. "Defending" the ex. Saying "Oh she's like this or like that and she'll be like this because she's a certain person.. blah blah..." That is SO much wasted energy I can't even begin to describe it... except that I've been guilty of it MYSELF!

So I'm giving you the shortcut I didn't have. The advice I initially didn't listen to myself (because I'm a dumbass). STOP giving her that energy. Think about what kind of person YOU are. Get in touch with your OWN identity. YOUR needs and YOUR desires and what makes YOU tick. Not her.

 

Oh and finally.. I've said this in another thread and I'll say it again here. YOU'RE YOUNG! THE WHOLE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER!!!

There are some experiences, and women to date etc you haven't even DREAMED of yet. So much good stuff out there, for YOU to take or leave as YOU please! Stuff that will make this ex of yours seem like a teeny blip in your otherwise AWESOME life!

Once you fully grasp this, and become aware of it, you will have your "epiphany" and wonder what you were spending all your time brooding about. Will it happen tomorrow? Probably not, but know that it IS coming..

 

Chin up, awesome Yugr!

[YuGr.]

Hahaha this guy, dude that entire last post made my day.

 

I understand what you guys are saying though it makes sense, just nice to hear from people who've been there and has that experience. I guess I can't do much more than try my hardest at being happy and day in night out it'll become easier.. I think I don't specifically miss her as much as I miss having a gf, i was never a relationship guy before her so she's all I ever knew which seems to be giving me the illusion its her i miss.

 

Weird how I did get her back after 3 months of misery after we broke up. We got back together and lasted a week, on the very first day right after the first make up sex I was already doubting my love for her and just got worse throughout the week. I think I just have a problem with wanting something just cause I cant have it. It's very frustrating as I'm never truly deeply happy with her or without her :/

[YuGr.]

Bump, looking for bit more this morning :/

[Million.to.1]

There is no quick fix.

Motive2002's post was hitting the nail on the head. Read it again.

 

you also said it perfectly yourself .....

" I think I don't specifically miss her as much as I miss having a gf, i was never a relationship guy before her so she's all I ever knew which seems to be giving me the illusion its her i miss."

 

I am just like you and i think about every facet of everything over and over. I play out things in my head and think about him all the time. It's actually getting annoying. My rational mind needs to smack my emotional self in the face and say "WAKE UP!" .. But it just takes time. I'm only a month out of my BU.

Spend 3 solid days searching and reading posts from LS. I found some great advice but also realised that wallowing in it was actually making me feel worse. Maybe you are like me and need to play these things out to realise it though.

I have found that I feel best when I'm out and distracted and keeping busy. I still have bad moments / days but wallowing only makes it worse.

I come here almost everyday ATM to write advice to others. Advice I need to take myself really. It helps. Reading other peoples threads gives you a third party perspective and you hear the same things you say to yourself but the answer is so obvious when it's not you! I think it's better than posting threads and hoping for someone to offer a magic solution when there isn't one except TIME.

[YuGr.]

Thank you for your reply. You have very valid points and I also find spending too much time on LS makes me feel worse. But reading comments and opinions in small doses ARE my 'quick fixes'.

 

Don't assume I'm posting threads like these in a desperate attempt at finding some sort of magical curse breaker. I'm looking for feedback, advice or not. Just thought opinions and comments related to my subject. That makes me feel better and gives me a prespective onthings instead of reading other threads with different variables. I understand that some comments and opinions on this very matter is pobably floating around the forum, but with 200,000 registered members there bounds to be repetition. I just like to read these replies I appreciate it more than I can put in words.

 

I think we're all here for "quick fixes" in our own ways, this is mine.

Edited December 19, 2011 by YuGr.
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