How to deal with insecurity and jealousy?

[chphan]

Lately I'm having a problem dealing with insecurity and jealousy from my LDR. We were suppose to meet this month but other problems arose including money issue that lead it to being postpone a bit longer. And even then I'm starting to have doubts that we will ever meet. And of course doubts always lead to being insecure and jealousy. And at this point its starting to plague me.

 

Another thing that lead to my insecurity about my LDR is probably from reading about other people LDR experiences on this forum. You read so many people having problems and breaking up in their LDR that eventually you start to question your own LDR. But on the other hand by reading other people LDR experience you learn from their mistakes and try not to make them yourself.

 

Nothing has really change much in terms of when we talk and we pretty much keep in contact daily. And if I don't hear from her or miss hearing from her, 1 day, I get a bit nervous and worry since she's known to have health issue before where I didn't hear from her. That's the problem with being far away is that if someone is sick you are kind of helpless and in the dark. There's really been no sign from her that there's something wrong so most of these insecurity issues and jealousy is coming from me. And I'm smart enough to know that girls don't like guys that are over jealous or over insecure.

 

I think lately the insecurity has gotten more intense simply because my other open a FB again. She added me to her status but at the same time I still can't help but feel insecure when she add some guy to her friendlist. Even if that guy is good looking or just some old unattractive guy. I just can't help but feel insecure and jealous. I think the problem lies in the fact I hear stories including in this forum of guys looking to hook up with girls or flirting with girls on FB. So when she's not talking to me or giving me slow replies I get the feeling she's talking to one of them. This is probably all in my mind and comes from my insecure issues. I just can't rid of the feeling thats she's looking to trade up whenever she finds someone better even if that's not true.

 

I don't want to blow things up by being insecure and jealous. At the same time I don't want to be a clueless guy who gets dump for another guy.

 

What recommendations do you have to help ease my own insecurities?

[creighton0123]

Take this from someone here who had a successful, 13-month LDR (the relationship continues, the long distance aspect of it doesn't):

 

It is important that you let your significant other know about the feelings and insecurities you are having AND that you ask for her help in overcoming them.

 

Something like: "Sometimes I feel jealous and insecure when I see you friending other guys on facebook. It is absolutely not your fault, but I can't shake these emotions. I need your help to work through them."

 

The fact that you will approach her in an open, honest, non-judgmental, and engaging manner will not turn her off. Instead, it conveys trust and respect and she will jump at the opportunity to work through these feelings with her because you came to her before they boiled over into an irrational lash-out.

 

You cannot work through these without her help. Communicate with her. Identify what causes you to feel this way and work with her to avoid the triggers and replace them with more relationship-positive experiences.

[Carm]

While it's somewhat normal to have feelings of insecurities when in a LDR, you're going to have to do some self-talking to overcome it.

 

Speaking from a woman's perspective, it is a major turn off when a guy is insecure and jealous. I have broken up with a couple of guys over this. It's a major turn off (for me).

[chphan]

Something like: "Sometimes I feel jealous and insecure when I see you friending other guys on facebook. It is absolutely not your fault, but I can't shake these emotions. I need your help to work through them."

 

The fact that you will approach her in an open, honest, non-judgmental, and engaging manner will not turn her off. Instead, it conveys trust and respect and she will jump at the opportunity to work through these feelings with her because you came to her before they boiled over into an irrational lash-out.

 

You cannot work through these without her help. Communicate with her. Identify what causes you to feel this way and work with her to avoid the triggers and replace them with more relationship-positive experiences.

 

Yup. I did this and so far it worked. I know she's attractive and her profile is in public view and I do know random guys send her friend request simply because she's attractive. So far my communicating with her really helps and so far she hasn't gotten upset over it. She did get rid of all of them except for 1 who happens to be a good looker.

 

Talking actually helps to ease it.

 

Speaking from a woman's perspective, it is a major turn off when a guy is insecure and jealous. I have broken up with a couple of guys over this. It's a major turn off (for me).

 

Yes I know thats why its was something I kept going back and forth on deciding on whether or not to talk about it.

 

I want to express my feelings or concern but at the sametime I don't want to step on any landmines.

 

My problem right now is trying to figure out if there's an end goal to all this and when to pull out as to not get my hopes up.