Best friend with ex

[JamesMay]

Hi everyone,

 

I'll save you the drama and stick to the facts. I had a GF for four years, the high school sweetheart. We broke up two years ago and it was very painfull on both sides. We weren't ready for 'normal' life and wanted to enjoy our college freedom. We would see eachother once and again for a coffee or a meal. I asked for a second chance 8 months ago but she started crying and left me without explaination. After she had heared I was moving on and having fun with other girls she got together with a band member I always hated (he was always touchy with her, even when we were together). I went no contact on her for the past 6 months, quit the band a month ago and she broke up with the guy a couple of days after.

 

As you can imagine I had quite a rough two years. One of my best mates from high school found himself in the same situation over the same period so we helped eachother get over it step by step. He had known me and my ex as a couple from the moment we started and was very sad we broke up. When we had finals we would go study together at his parents beachhouse and we would spend nightly hours and hours talking about eachothers situations, talking about our old lovers. In the same period I helped him get over the death of one of his best friends, reconcile with his brother and helped him with his study choice (he is two years behind me in school, something he feels pretty bad about).

 

A week ago he calls me to tell me they are together after they kissed eachother on a drunk night at a party. They had met up a couple of times after and decided to go for it. He told me he was madly in love and it was the most difficult decision he had ever made. I stayed calm. I want the best for him obviously but it just seems too surreal. I told him he had probably talked more about her with me than he had actually talked to her and I felt too involved to be OK with it now.

 

He wants to remain friends with me and even hopes for a reconciliation between me and my ex but I just feel she is using him. She hasn't tried to contact me which for me signals she's still angry at me somehow. What do I do?

Edited December 15, 2011 by JamesMay

[betterdeal]

She's working her way through the gang, isn't she? Are there any other girls in your circle of friends? I'll hazard a guess that there's a lot more males than females. This is what happens with such a group. My advice is to expand your social circles and have friends who aren't part of that group, thus creating yourself a safety valve.

 

It's unfair for him to be getting it on with your ex, knowing your feelings for her, and telling you he wants to be friends. Maybe at some point in the future you will be, but I doubt you'll ever be as close as you were. And maybe that's a good thing.

 

Take a break from the two of them. No need to get angry. Just don't interact with them. A bit of space and time is needed. Looking forward, the way you handle this will go on your permanent record and other women, women more suitable to you, your aspirations and feelings, are more important to consider than the people from your past. Act with dignity and grace if you can and it will pay dividends in the future.

[JamesMay]

There is no gang anymore. I was friends with her sister since I was twelve. She brought us together as well and talked to me on the phone for months after we broke up. At the same time she became one of my best friends and drew all of my other friends into her circle by, for example, inviting my friends on holidays without asking me. There is one of her friends who has ****ed three of my friends, including me, in the past two years. I had many circles but they have all been pulled away from me by her sisters and her friends' behaviour and gossip. I feel totally isolated. I spent the last weeks in my flat, not going out anymore because I felt totally sickened by the way everyone has literally prostituted themselves, including myself.

 

Now my ex is together with one of the only guys that had not been pulled into this mess and one of the only people I still know from my high school circle. It makes me look like the crazy one. I feel abused and very angry. I haven't lashed out at anyone this time (something I did do six months ago when my ex secretdly started ****ing the band member before I went no contact) but I feel very depressed. I feel she, her sister and her friends have been ****ing their way to the top and have destroyed everything I had, including a lot of my friends private life. I have the impression a lot of people feel ashamed and disgusted around me. When I go to a social event people tend to not talk to me anymore. There is simply no one left around me

[betterdeal]

Mate, you're having a right old time of it. When it rains it pours, eh? It's no wonder you're feeling down and angry. My advice is to find your own personal space doing something that makes you feel good and that, to me, is yoga. For others, martial arts.

 

Find something near you and give it a go. Go for three sessions and see how it makes you feel. For me, the 90 minutes session is a sanctuary from the rest of my life. It's me time and it feels so good. Like a shelter in a storm.

 

Start looking into a project of some sort. Could be to travel somewhere unusual for a month or to fix up a classic car. Something you're into. While the others are imploding at the request of their genitals, step back and take this an opportunity to get a few steps ahead of them.

 

A bit of solitude can be a blessing in disguise. You'll learn to be alone, not lonely, and from that be able to make wiser decisions and choices.

[JamesMay]

Thanks mate. It's just a very tough bite to swallow. I was doing more alone time, I do have some projects, notably my music. I am in law school. Every time I start something new she seems to go after it. I'm pretty sure when I take up yoga and make a friend there she would **** the **** out of him too. She's the lonely one. Problem is she's pretty hot so everyone falls for her tricks.

[MillyRad]

So sorry to hear that this has happened to you. What a bunch of drama. I know you feel lonely, but maybe you should distance yourself from this group of people. I've been through something similar, years ago, and felt like I wanted to never go out in public in my town again. Just take all of the time you need and feel what you need to feel.

[betterdeal]

Thanks mate. It's just a very tough bite to swallow. I was doing more alone time, I do have some projects, notably my music. I am in law school. Every time I start something new she seems to go after it. I'm pretty sure when I take up yoga and make a friend there she would **** the **** out of him too. She's the lonely one. Problem is she's pretty hot so everyone falls for her tricks.

 

Yeah, the pretty and insecure ones can be the hardest to handle, that's for sure. Is she the jealous type? If not, and it you are open to it, being on amicable terms and seeing her more like a sister than anything might be one path to take. She'll give you glowing reviews to other women, which is handy.

 

If not, if she's the jealous type, ditch her, and don't let her know about the yoga or anything else in your life. You can explain it's because she hurts you, or you can just blank her out completely.

 

When you change your thinking to be happy it happened not sad it's over, that's when you'll hit a turning point. It just sounds like it's not over yet and that's why you're anxious, so end it, first in your mind.

 

She picked you first - the rest are all just stand ins

[WordvAction]

Sorry to hear all that, and it must hurt, but in the long run, you're not losing much. In reality, you're losing an attention-craving wh**re and a so-called "friend" whose picking the attention-craving wh**e over your friendship. Forget the both of em man, you're better off. New people will come into your life, focus on your music and law school

[JamesMay]

She's the jealous type. Less then a year ago she would start to hang around me every time I was talking to a girl, even kissing me in the neck... When I found out she was with the band douche six months ago I already broke off all contact and totally blanked her and removed her from facebook. It's all very akward. He felt like a brother to me and is very insecure himself. He's two years behind in school and is trying very hard to behave like an adult while hanging out with the 'popular' crew. He has stickers of my band in his room. He noticed I don't really care about them lot and I had the impression he felt annoyed by that. That's why I'm wondering what I should do about him? He wants to have a whiskey with me because he feels sorry. But I just know she's going to dump him for the next guy. I think I'm more sad about losing his friendship and angry at her for that. I do laugh about it sometimes, until I remember how sad it really is.

[betterdeal]

Yeah, I can fully understand that, having been through something similar at around your age. The sense of betrayal was what got me. It's hard enough dealing with a break-up or a difficult ex, but for your confidant, comrade, pal to choose them over you pulls the rug out from under your feet.

 

Have you told him how you feel? This could be a real strengthening point for your friendship if you are both prepared to have an emotionally honest conversation, mend bridges, swallow some pride and rebuild the bond. I know a few good close friendships that have been through similar with an interloper getting between people.

 

It will take courage from him to pick a good friend over a cheap lay and the shiny people but, I think, those are reasonable conditions for you to expect. She's a groupie, and does what groupies do. You both need rid of her whether you stay friends or not.

[JamesMay]

Just a little update. I had a drink with him last night. It went OK. He was very uncomfortable but very friendly. When the issue was raised I calmly told him how I felt about the whole situation and that I was disappointed. All things considered I guess it went OK. He obviously didn't agree with me about her past. He got a little angry when I raised a couple of red flags from the history I've shared with her, saying I was belittling their relationship and taking moral high ground. He said every relationship is personal and between two people and he would manage to keep both of us separated. Judging from my intuition I can see he is having a hard time letting it all make sense. I ended the discussion by saying we wouldn't agree. We went out with a common friend for drinks in another bar until closing time and we started joking about what he had done. He laughed about them but annoyed me by trying to put his arm around me and asking if I was OK. I told him I would not let him down when this was all over. I don't really care to see him until it is. Thank you for the support.

[WordvAction]

James,

 

Why are you still friends with this kid? He has to know what this is doing to you and he's still going through with it. I don't see that as worthy of being a friend. It sounds to me like he needs you a lot more than you need him

[JamesMay]

Well what is there to do? Should I just withdraw myself from this town, curl up and die? Run away from everything? She's very tactical about her moves. She knows very well I'm not over what she did to me, I quit my band of four years for it only weeks ago. She also knew how much **** I've been through with this guy. She knew he'd always liked her when we were together. He's the most likeable guy you can imagine, he's the sort of guy that organizes schoolreunions, christmas parties, new years eves. The one who's so nice girls think it's creepy (they are right I guess). Obviously no one else cares about this situation and is flabbergasted by his new hot chick. I've seen her at the bars again, 5 horny losers around every tit, him clueless behind the books. Oh she's the hero now. She hates her job so now she's going to come back and do a PhD while hanging around with guys who act like teenagers.