Tough to let it go.

[MissBee]

I am not in any competition with his wife. I do not wish for anything she has in her relationship with him. We are complete opposites, so comparisons do not even register in my mind. I initially was curious like anyone else would be and looked up Facebook, and was surprised she was exactly opposite than which I imagined. But that is it.

He was not rubbing it in my face because I know as he stated he wished it was us on a romantic vacation, and we could nestle, cuddle days on. He was like okay you plan it for me, tell me where I should stay, go, and....... I questioned why he would do this, and the only plausible reason was my guess, because he does this all the time. I agreed it was strange.

 

MyAPology you know the bolded is absurd right?? LOL! If he wishes it were you guys, why would he be telling you to plan it??? Unless he takes you for a fool who would....and you did....

 

I think if he truly cared, he would not have told you about it.

 

The point is...he can say he wishes whatever....that's all you have with him...wishes. While you're wishing and he's wishing (or not) he's on a romantic vacay with the wife, that you've planned...and you're at home wishing...yeaa I am sure he is on vacation havign a horrible time...wishing too Not....

 

The point is...it's not that MM don't care at all about your existence...but it's supplementary. When they're with you, you matter. When they aren't you don't. Their life goes on...while many single women who are dating them, their ONLY romantic outlet is this other person. They have two feet in....planning vacations and all and wishing...while this person is saying the same thing but what else? They are on vacation ACTUALLY DOING STUFF with their wife. They have a whole other life.....

 

 

In my A...I am sure sometimes he missed me and wanted to be with me....but if he was with the gf...I am sure he was having a blast. I am sure he was not forced into sex, forced to go on romantic getaways if he did...he was enjoying it! I think we delude ourselves to hear these plain, obvious things and act like oh well although he's in the Bahamas with his wife for their anniversary, he is havign a terrible time wishing I was with him Really? Okay...you believe that.

 

We all deserve men who don't wish...but DO.. That's been my new motto. As the saying goes...if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Wishing is cost free....SAYING you're wishing to be with someone is cost free too....how about a man who not only wishes but ACTS??? That's the man I want. Not the one with his wife wishing she were me.....but still with her on vacation....wishing. This is what I mean by As are filled with fantasy. Half the time we're living on wishes, illusions and some imaginary future and not paying attention to the cold hard facts. In your post you sound SO CONFIDENT that he was not rubbing it in your face...because why, he said he was wishing it were you.... o___O let that simmer.........you're living off of and happy with wishes...wishes aren't real things...can you hold, touch, taste, feel a wish? No.....but he sure can hold, touch, taste and feel his wife and everything they're doing on vacation.....really take that in MyApology....what are the REAL facts....

Edited December 16, 2011 by MissBee

[Gentlegirl]

Apology,

 

You are all over the place like the dog's dinner! Sorry to be so blunt but you are saying and perhaps doing irrational things because you are feeling desperate

 

You are really inconsistent in what you say and do.

 

I think you are living on the edge, so please be very careful. There is no telling what you might do if you flip out.

 

No place for you in MM's life at all. What happens in the marriage, you will never really know.

 

It is wrong to assume that because a woman looks a certain way, she is not interested in sex or having sex with her husband... no telling what all kinds of people get up to in the marital bed.

 

It is also wrong to assume because of her looks that she is a person of no worth. She might have many wonderful qualities that have served MM well. Perhaps she is the steady rock that has kept him and the family stable?

 

Be careful.. I think you are very close to the edge.

 

GG

[MissBee]

Whatever and you making false assumptions about me makes you any better of a person. Sorry not buying it. I have read far more vulgar post regarding BOTH OW and MW trash talking one another. I cannot change the fact that she is was opposite of what I expected. I do not think that is being anything but honest. I am not going to lie and say she looks like Cindy Crawford to appease you when it is more close to Rosanne Barr. Geesh, just being honest in my postings and i get projection shifted my way.

I have seen very rude and ugly remarks about many things OW, MM, MW. Mine have not even closely resembled them. I had heard her voice and mentioned how it is, a fact.

Yes i take my MM breath away when he sees me, I cannot change that fact either.

One thing is in no way DO I WISH to marry this man. I came here to figure out his behavoir, that is it, other posters obviously those who are scorned BS trolling the post on a board for OM/OW. i do sympathize with her, she is MARRIED to a serial cheater, and he will never be faithful to her.

It is up to them to figure out their marriage. And to your do you think he will be thinking about me when they are on vacation, well yes unless he has another other woman there. I have seen him with his family.

 

 

Hilarious stuff MyAPology....good luck to you dear... as she's married to a cheater and you're dating the SAME cheater too who asks you to plan his vacations with his wife, while you sit on a forum trying to figure out his behavior and consider how you take his breath away. I can't even.....

 

Yea....she's the only one we should feel sorry for in this situation.

[MyApology]

If you really are so hot that you turn heads and take people's breath away, then why do you feel the attention of a married man is so valuable?

 

It seems that you would be getting attention from many men, including single ones.

 

You have the looks many men want, so why don't you use those attributes to attract an emotionally healthy single man? One that can be positive for you. One that doesn't use you or play you for a fool.

 

There are tons of single, good looking men with bright futures. Why waste your time on a sneaky, married cheater?

 

I just don't get it.

 

Do you somehow feel that you are not worthy of a good man?

 

Yes, I believe everyone is worthy of a healthy, happy relationships. I am going to take up the great opportunities to date and leave this mess behind. This whole situation does not equal health and happiness.

To your first response, there are men available for all women as there are men for all women, and no one needs to put up with less than what they deserve! This is what fustrated me so in this dynamic. I cannot tolerate watching 2 completely dysfunctional individuals not take hold of THEIR lives and make it better. I will not be a quotient to dysfunction.

[MyApology]

Apology,

 

You are all over the place like the dog's dinner! Sorry to be so blunt but you are saying and perhaps doing irrational things because you are feeling desperate

 

You are really inconsistent in what you say and do.

 

I think you are living on the edge, so please be very careful. There is no telling what you might do if you flip out.

 

No place for you in MM's life at all. What happens in the marriage, you will never really know.

 

It is wrong to assume that because a woman looks a certain way, she is not interested in sex or having sex with her husband... no telling what all kinds of people get up to in the marital bed.

 

It is also wrong to assume because of her looks that she is a person of no worth. She might have many wonderful qualities that have served MM well. Perhaps she is the steady rock that has kept him and the family stable?

 

Be careful.. I think you are very close to the edge.

 

GG

 

I am not living on the edge. I have no care in the world to throw gasoline on their mess. It is their mess to live as they wish and live in complete denial. I would never sit at home, and have a man come home, after wooing and loving on other women, and continue to feel I can do no better for years on end. I would never leave a man at home and go to men I desire, love on them, and then come home to a man who I feel cannot give me what these other men can. I am much more derserving and confident than that. Who desires the situation in which i am? No one. Who deserves to be cheated on over and over again? No one. Who deserves to feel they have to lie and deceit in order to get what they desire? No one.

People have this choice. I choose happiness.

It is funny in my search for understanding, I ventured to other boards off LS, of betrayed spouses and it seems most feed eachother to remain in dysfunction and places blame on everyone else especially the OW, rather than who is the true culprit...the MM.

[MyApology]

MyApology

 

I can guarantee if you mention dating this available guy, MM's jealousy will go into overdrive. Please do not take this as a sign that he loves you but rather he is so selfish and wants you (and his wife) all to himself that he 'can't bear' the thought of another touching you. He may, in more rational moments, agree that you deserve the best (which he can't give you) but ultimately it will be turned around on you, like YOU'VE stepped out on your r/ship with HIM and HE is having a hard time coming to terms with that, despite HIM living with his wife, going home to her every day and leaving you alone.

 

You have admitted he is too weak to leave the marriage (and he will NEVER grow a pair to leave) so what is it that YOU want out of this? You say you are here trying to understand his behaviour......he is a classical narcissist. I am 5/6 weeks clear of a r/ship with a MM who sounds almost identical to yours (weak, confused, selfish yet making me feel important by his words and contact) and yes, he is still at home with his wife despite a mini DDay (I'm sure he downplayed EVERYTHING, or perhaps even blamed me) and even if his life is a bit uncomfortable at the minute, he will ride the storm with HER.

 

Please start thinking selfishly for your own sanity. I understand you don't want to marry this guy but by allowing him to remain in your life you are denying yourself the opportunity to meet someone you may want to marry in the future. He is using you emotionally and physically and I know you have this amazing 'connection' (I had it too) but really this connection means ziltch when all is said and done, he will still swan off on holiday with the woman he seems so disconnected with, he will still go home every evening to have dinner with her, he will look after her or his children should they fall ill, etc, etc. Who will take you on holiday? Who will you dine with this evening? Who will look after you when you're ill? Not him for sure.

 

Good luck and please take care

 

Hi, how did you go about it, I read no contact. I wrote a late night email, letting him know I felt on the bottom of a totem pole in which I deserve to be on top of and that I am not happy in the situation. I mentioned that I have placed on the back burner great opportunities to date some great single men, but somehow it seems absurd in a situation like this when he has another and I am placing others on hold, but I am not into messing around with more than one person...something like that.

I feel stronger in this moment now, and asking if absolute No Contact without any explanation would be best for this situation?

He is a grown up, I do not owe him an explanation in a situation like this. I also should not have to tell him what is appropriate behavoir and what is not. AND this includes, throwing other flings in my face purposely, or playing any type of similar games.

I have no desire to be any part of their dysfunction and will go away in complete silence, HOWEVER, if he chooses to be nasty and play mind games to equal hurt, then it is fair game to get what he deserves.

I hope he is sane and mature enough to behave with dignity.

How are you doing with NC?

[MyApology]

On the otherhand, no contact without explanation may leave in his mind it is time to play games. Do you think a nice cordial letter, explaining the need for complete NC. I also will net mention other men, may even mention I need time to myself before I date again, and I have no desire or care for his life at home meaning I would like to make my exit in peace.

The reason is I have wrote at least twice similar needs (the difference is I was not strong as I am at this point) and he ignored them and came back full force.

I also think it may be wise to warn him I will not put up with any mind games for example attempts to display his doings in my face in an attempt to cause unecessary hurt.

Play nice with maturity I assume is a good way to describe it.

[MyApology]

Well strong enough to send a note specifically stating what is on my mind. I wrote that a lack of communication is what causes problems in any relationship. I wrote he has the best of both worlds, a wife who lacks confidence and puts up with this situation for years on end and you have an other woman, except this other woman has the confidence to not put up with anything but to be treated wonderfully.

Even if the decision is this is not the best situation for us, I wish to exit gracefully and quietly. I hope you have the dignity to not throw OW in my face especially people I know or work with, this would offend me and not make me too happy. Hopefully you make the right decisions regarding the situation.

 

I hope this was tough enough.

[Owl]

Hopefully you make the right decisions regarding the situation.

 

You've already mentioned in a previous post on this thread that you have no intention of marrying him.

 

Given that, what IS the "right decision" that you're hoping he'll make?

 

After reading your thread...I'm still unclear what, specifically, you're hoping for as an outcome of all of this?

[Quiet Storm]

The key will be consistency. You have to shut him down immediately if he makes contact or comes sniffing around again. You can't laugh at his jokes, you can't make eye contact, you can't be emotional. Don't allow him to draw you in. Picture a big, tall fence around you. Imagine that every compliment he gives, every email, every text is an attempt to wreck that fence.

 

It's like disciplining a todder, you have to be consistent or he will not take you seriously. Accept that he is going to test you, and have a plan for it.

 

When my oldest was little, I would put him in the time out chair, explain what he did wrong and say with a mean face "Stay there!" He would keep getting up and running away, and I would go chase him and bring him back kicking and screaming. He did this about ten times, before he finally gave up and just sat there.

 

If I had given in an allowed him to escape from time out, without putting him back in the chair- he would learn that his persistence paid off. That all he would have to do is wear me down and I would cave.

 

This is where you are with MM. You have told him it was over and eventually caved when he persisted in his pursuit. So he doesn't take you seriously. If you remain consistent, he will give up. This could take a while depending on how arrogant and stubborn he is, lol.

 

he ignored them and came back full force.

 

 

Realize that his actions don't have to dictate yours. He may come back, but you don't have to be accepting. You can't depend on him to stay away. You have to be strong enough not to let him in, regardless of his pursuit.

[MyApology]

You've already mentioned in a previous post on this thread that you have no intention of marrying him.

 

Given that, what IS the "right decision" that you're hoping he'll make?

 

After reading your thread...I'm still unclear what, specifically, you're hoping for as an outcome of all of this?

 

The note was not written exactly how I posted. The right decision in not taking my exit anything but graceful, and not making the decision to play games in an attempt to hurt me. This includes throwing his pursuits and other women directly in my face. Game playing. I would not be happy with that. He would be throwing accelerant onto a flame.

[MyApology]

The key will be consistency. You have to shut him down immediately if he makes contact or comes sniffing around again. You can't laugh at his jokes, you can't make eye contact, you can't be emotional. Don't allow him to draw you in. Picture a big, tall fence around you. Imagine that every compliment he gives, every email, every text is an attempt to wreck that fence.

 

It's like disciplining a todder, you have to be consistent or he will not take you seriously. Accept that he is going to test you, and have a plan for it.

 

When my oldest was little, I would put him in the time out chair, explain what he did wrong and say with a mean face "Stay there!" He would keep getting up and running away, and I would go chase him and bring him back kicking and screaming. He did this about ten times, before he finally gave up and just sat there.

 

If I had given in an allowed him to escape from time out, without putting him back in the chair- he would learn that his persistence paid off. That all he would have to do is wear me down and I would cave.

 

This is where you are with MM. You have told him it was over and eventually caved when he persisted in his pursuit. So he doesn't take you seriously. If you remain consistent, he will give up. This could take a while depending on how arrogant and stubborn he is, lol.

 

 

 

Realize that his actions don't have to dictate yours. He may come back, but you don't have to be accepting. You can't depend on him to stay away. You have to be strong enough not to let him in, regardless of his pursuit.

 

I know I can do this, I have to. I mentioned his wife having a lack of confidence...HOPING this will peeve him in that how dare I call out his wife, and hopefully this will keep him from talking to me and pursuing like before.

How do I handle it if he starts playing games with my heart and starts throwing his flirting and all that in my face. I am thinking I just remove myself from the situation, count to 3 and show complete indifference.

[MyApology]

The key will be consistency. You have to shut him down immediately if he makes contact or comes sniffing around again. You can't laugh at his jokes, you can't make eye contact, you can't be emotional. Don't allow him to draw you in. Picture a big, tall fence around you. Imagine that every compliment he gives, every email, every text is an attempt to wreck that fence.

 

It's like disciplining a todder, you have to be consistent or he will not take you seriously. Accept that he is going to test you, and have a plan for it.

 

When my oldest was little, I would put him in the time out chair, explain what he did wrong and say with a mean face "Stay there!" He would keep getting up and running away, and I would go chase him and bring him back kicking and screaming. He did this about ten times, before he finally gave up and just sat there.

 

If I had given in an allowed him to escape from time out, without putting him back in the chair- he would learn that his persistence paid off. That all he would have to do is wear me down and I would cave.

 

This is where you are with MM. You have told him it was over and eventually caved when he persisted in his pursuit. So he doesn't take you seriously. If you remain consistent, he will give up. This could take a while depending on how arrogant and stubborn he is, lol.

 

 

 

Realize that his actions don't have to dictate yours. He may come back, but you don't have to be accepting. You can't depend on him to stay away. You have to be strong enough not to let him in, regardless of his pursuit.

 

I know I can do this, I have to. I mentioned his wife having a lack of confidence...HOPING this will peeve him in that how dare I call out his wife, and hopefully this will keep him from talking to me and pursuing like before.

How do I handle it if he starts playing games with my heart and starts throwing his flirting and all that in my face. I am thinking I just remove myself from the situation, count to 3 and show complete indifference.

[Owl]

The note was not written exactly how I posted. The right decision in not taking my exit anything but graceful, and not making the decision to play games in an attempt to hurt me. This includes throwing his pursuits and other women directly in my face. Game playing. I would not be happy with that. He would be throwing accelerant onto a flame.

 

OK...so basically what you're wanting is for him to honor your insistence that this is the end of the affair, and honor your request for no further contact of any kind between you going forward, correct?

 

I AM making the assumption that you're inlcuding NC (no contact) as part of this. Trying to continue or maintain a friendship post-affair is nearly always a disaster for everyone involved.

 

Make sure you spell out very clearly and concisely exactly what your expectations are...no contact means no contact...no email, no phone calls, nor drivey by visits...NOTHING AT ALL FROM THIS POINT FORWARD.

 

Hopefully by doing so, you'll get the results you're looking for.

[woinlove]

I know I can do this, I have to. I mentioned his wife having a lack of confidence...HOPING this will peeve him in that how dare I call out his wife, and hopefully this will keep him from talking to me and pursuing like before.

How do I handle it if he starts playing games with my heart and starts throwing his flirting and all that in my face. I am thinking I just remove myself from the situation, count to 3 and show complete indifference.

 

Putting down his wife comes across as insecurity and a need to feel better about yourself. This is the type of weakness some serial cheaters look for, so don't count on him staying away. You need to rely on yourself. Sever whatever modes of contact you can, limit those you can't sever, and have a strategy in place to not engage in the situations where contact is unavoidable. Good luck!

[MissBee]

The note was not written exactly how I posted. The right decision in not taking my exit anything but graceful, and not making the decision to play games in an attempt to hurt me. This includes throwing his pursuits and other women directly in my face. Game playing. I would not be happy with that. He would be throwing accelerant onto a flame.

 

You don't realize it....but the note you're sending still has an undertone of hoping this person does something differently. Trust me...I sent many of these. When i really meant it...I said nothing. I simply stopped communicating and went on my way. No long emails, no talking dates, no nothing...except the plain old resolve on MY part to be done. Whatever he wanted to do after....get other women etc was solely his problem....I didn't need to ask him not to do that and "do the right thing". It is evident that he hasn't been doing the right thing so it's futile to ask now....

 

I doubt it's over between you two. Are you expecting a response to this message? In which you'll respond back?

 

I think what may happen, as is common, is that he'll just feel like you're throwing a tantrum. Like a little kid who packs a bag to leave home. They go down the street but inevitably come back...it was all a ploy for attention. Saying things like "Hopefully you don't miss me and don't try to get me to come back"....when they really mean, please miss me and ask me not to leave home. Likewise your message and what you've said here seems like you're saying something similar.

 

But we'll see.....

 

In terms of him having other OW....why worry your head about it? Why say it won't make you happy? Clearly you're done with him because his priority is NOT to make you happy...so if you end it, why would you expect all of a sudden his concern will be to not make you unhappy by not throwing things in your face....I'm sure he'll care even less about that. You've continuously made him the agent here...oh he keeps coming back, telling him to be the one not to throw things in your face etc....when the truth is, he can do WHATEVER he wants and he has...and will. So don't ask him not to do certain things. Just make the decision that IN SPITE of whether he gets other OW or not, YOU'RE the one who isn't going to react to him. That's the only thing you can do and the only thing you should be worrying about doing...policing your own self. NC is for that...for you to really stick to some rules for YOURSELF and not for this person.

[MyApology]

Yes, but the reality of the situation is we come across one another on almost a daily basis. So no contact is possible, but it will have to be no contact within contact.

So he will have oppurtunity to do this with class. My worries is if he decides to play games and flirt and throw stuff in my face. How do you handle that? Best to ignore it although it will be difficult.

[MyApology]

You don't realize it....but the note you're sending still has an undertone of hoping this person does something differently. Trust me...I sent many of these. When i really meant it...I said nothing. I simply stopped communicating and went on my way. No long emails, no talking dates, no nothing...except the plain old resolve on MY part to be done. Whatever he wanted to do after....get other women etc was solely his problem....I didn't need to ask him not to do that and "do the right thing". It is evident that he hasn't been doing the right thing so it's futile to ask now....

 

I doubt it's over between you two. Are you expecting a response to this message? In which you'll respond back?

 

I think what may happen, as is common, is that he'll just feel like you're throwing a tantrum. Like a little kid who packs a bag to leave home. They go down the street but inevitably come back...it was all a ploy for attention. Saying things like "Hopefully you don't miss me and don't try to get me to come back"....when they really mean, please miss me and ask me not to leave home. Likewise your message and what you've said here seems like you're saying something similar.

 

But we'll see.....

 

In terms of him having other OW....why worry your head about it? Why say it won't make you happy? Clearly you're done with him because his priority is NOT to make you happy...so if you end it, why would you expect all of a sudden his concern will be to not make you unhappy by not throwing things in your face....I'm sure he'll care even less about that. You've continuously made him the agent here...oh he keeps coming back, telling him to be the one not to throw things in your face etc....when the truth is, he can do WHATEVER he wants and he has...and will. So don't ask him not to do certain things. Just make the decision that IN SPITE of whether he gets other OW or not, YOU'RE the one who isn't going to react to him. That's the only thing you can do and the only thing you should be worrying about doing...policing your own self. NC is for that...for you to really stick to some rules for YOURSELF and not for this person.

 

This is what I am attempting at...graceful exit and healthy. I am warning him to not act a child and throw stuff in my face. He was thrown under the bus by other women before. I have zero desire for this at all,I do not believe in calculating and causing intentional hurt onto others. If he calculates hurting me, by not acting with class, and starts playing hurful games, then I will have to reconsider my kindness. I believe a complete NC without a note for some closure would not let him know my wishes.

If we did not have to be around eachother on almost a daily basis, then NC with no explanation would be okay.

[MyApology]

Putting down his wife comes across as insecurity and a need to feel better about yourself. This is the type of weakness some serial cheaters look for, so don't count on him staying away. You need to rely on yourself. Sever whatever modes of contact you can, limit those you can't sever, and have a strategy in place to not engage in the situations where contact is unavoidable. Good luck!

 

I think putting down wife was a poor choice of words. It is more like putting a magnifying glass onto the reality of the situation and not the lie they both choose to live with. He may not like hearing the truth, but it needs to be made aware of. This is how I see his situation and I am not up to being a part of this huge deception and sham of a marriage.

[thomasb]

You are still putting down his wife by assuming his wife knows one damn thing about the **** sandwich you two are serving her! You have to start making this about your choices... instead of surmising and judging what you are assuming are hers.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I believe everyone is worthy of a healthy, happy relationships. I am going to take up the great opportunities to date and leave this mess behind. This whole situation does not equal health and happiness.

 

So do it. Break up with him, end the affair and stop using lines like "Yes i take my MM breath away when he sees me, I cannot change that fact either" to justify and keep yourself in his life. SO WHAT if you take his breath away. In the jist of things, does that really matter? Especially since he is NOT divorcing his wife. Saying "I'm going to .." doesn't mean anything unless you follow through and change things.

 

To your first response, there are men available for all women as there are men for all women, and no one needs to put up with less than what they deserve! This is what fustrated me so in this dynamic. I cannot tolerate watching 2 completely dysfunctional individuals not take hold of THEIR lives and make it better. I will not be a quotient to dysfunction.

 

Their marriage is NONE of your business. And you can't see that you're in the midst of their unhealthy dynamic by having an affair with him. HIS life is better because HE has TWO women to meet all his needs. Why on earth would he want to change that??

[whichwayisup]

This is what I am attempting at...graceful exit and healthy. I am warning him to not act a child and throw stuff in my face. He was thrown under the bus by other women before. I have zero desire for this at all,I do not believe in calculating and causing intentional hurt onto others. If he calculates hurting me, by not acting with class, and starts playing hurful games, then I will have to reconsider my kindness. I believe a complete NC without a note for some closure would not let him know my wishes.

If we did not have to be around eachother on almost a daily basis, then NC with no explanation would be okay.

 

You have absolutely NO control over how he reacts if you actually do end it. All you have control over is how YOU react to his (if he chooses to react badly) reaction. You ignore him and make it impossible for him to contact you.

 

Still think you're way too wrapped up in their 'life and dynamic' though sadly, you're in such a fog you can't see this.

 

If you do end it, 6 months from now you'll see what everybody is telling you.

[whichwayisup]

I know I can do this, I have to. I mentioned his wife having a lack of confidence...HOPING this will peeve him in that how dare I call out his wife, and hopefully this will keep him from talking to me and pursuing like before.

How do I handle it if he starts playing games with my heart and starts throwing his flirting and all that in my face. I am thinking I just remove myself from the situation, count to 3 and show complete indifference.

 

You work with this guy or something, so because you chose to have an affair with someone you interact with daily, the consquences are going to be hard. If it gets so bad, quit your job, or ask for a transfer. This is all just going to be fallout from the affair..

 

Please stop putting down his wife in hopes he'll get mad. There are other ways of getting him to leave you alone. Using her to piss him off IS not cool at all.

[LadyGrey]

I know I can do this, I have to. I mentioned his wife having a lack of confidence...HOPING this will peeve him in that how dare I call out his wife, and hopefully this will keep him from talking to me and pursuing like before.

How do I handle it if he starts playing games with my heart and starts throwing his flirting and all that in my face. I am thinking I just remove myself from the situation, count to 3 and show complete indifference.

 

I don't get it, why bring up the wife? It's just another put down by you that has nothing to do with what you say you are trying to accomplish. Yet I realize this is hard for you and you don't realize what kind of man you are dealing with here, did you google serial cheater? You need to accept that you can't make him see or understand anything about his marriage, it's his f'd up mess and he likes it that way or else he would stop cheating and get a divorce. The reasons he says he can't are bs when it comes down to it. Can't you see that to have multiple affairs can't fix anything? It just makes it so much worse. MULTIPLE affairs, not just one.

 

I think putting down wife was a poor choice of words. It is more like putting a magnifying glass onto the reality of the situation and not the lie they both choose to live with. He may not like hearing the truth, but it needs to be made aware of. This is how I see his situation and I am not up to being a part of this huge deception and sham of a marriage.

 

 

Sigh.......again, your focus is on his problems. You don't believe us when we tell you but he knows exactly what he is doing to you and to his wife and he doesn't care enough to not do it. Even though you are close to doing NC, you are still putting the focus on him and his messed up life. As long as you keep trying to figure out why he is doing what he is doing and the dynamic between him and his wife, it will hold you back and you won't learn about yourself and how you allowed yourself to get here. Look in your house, stop looking in his and you will be able to move on and learn and not repeat this experience.

 

I think a short request for NC is all you need to do. Something along the lines of this is not working out for me and it's causing me pain and anguish so please respect my decision and stay away from me. I'd also warn him that if he doesn't respect you, there will be consequences and you need to decide what they are before hand. He already has no respect for you as you've indicated so be prepared.

[MyApology]

You are still putting down his wife by assuming his wife knows one damn thing about the **** sandwich you two are serving her! You have to start making this about your choices... instead of surmising and judging what you are assuming are hers.

 

Try actually reading threads before placing your own judgement toward me. I have the right to judge who I choose. Sorry you jump on any BS bandwagon. She made her choice, the choice to remain in a marriage with a man who has had countless LTAs throught their marriage and then made the CHOICE to have children after this fact.

Sorry have little respect for anyone who plays pity party, poor me, victim, who chooses and is willing to be the victim. If I went to a party with a gang of men who chose to rape me, and then decided to continue to go to the same party with the same men only to get raped again and again, I would have to let go of playing the victim. Sorry nothing will change my mind.

And to those who say their marriage is none of my business, he made it my business, it is his marriage and he chose to make it anothers business.

I never asked him to bring his children around me or his wife, those were his decisions.